


Set me free

by ukuvio



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cheating, Coming Out, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Happy or sad ending I'm still deciding, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Seizures, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-06-17 16:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 137,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15465435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukuvio/pseuds/ukuvio
Summary: Josh Dun is the new kid, while Tyler Joseph is a jock.They're not meant to be friends.But when Tyler is told to take care of Josh, things get complicated.





	1. Introductions

“ ‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is detestable.’ Leviticus 18:22 spells it out clearly.”

 

Tyler was sitting in the pews of his local Columbus Church, more preoccupied with the intricate stained glass artwork decorating the windows of the church than the pastor’s nonsensical sermon. He yawned lazily and rolled his damp eyes as the pastor went off on a tangent about how disgusting gay rights were and abnormality of loving someone who shares the same gender as yourself.

 

He was honestly so sick of this stupid homophobia thing. He was as straight as a line, but still.

 

He let his mind escape from him as thoughts of the upcoming week flooded his mind. His senior year of high school was starting in two days and it was going to be amazing. He wanted the year to rush by as quickly as possible, but he was not opposed to taking his last year in high school slow. He honestly couldn’t wait for the year to start so that he could be student council president again, and score a scholarship to the college of his dreams, and—

 

His blissful muse was rudely interrupted by Zack ramming his skeletal elbow into Tyler’s equally bony rib cage. He gasped a bit out of surprise and the sudden pain but immediately recovered and shot his brother a death glare. Zack responded with a similarly venomous look that spoke volumes.

 

_Pay attention._

 

He huffed in annoyance but directed his attention back to the sermon.

 

***

 

The parting hymn ended and the congregation dispersed. After getting a good talking from his dad and _Zack_ (of all people) about keeping his attention on the lessons in church, the Joseph family headed home. They lived in a colorful and wealthy suburban neighborhood, with each house possessing at least 4000 square feet, and their house was no exception. Tyler slipped wordlessly into his bedroom, and all but _collapsed_ onto his king-sized mattress.

 

“I missed you,” he murmured into the pillows, before chuckling softly to himself. He picked up his notebook from his bedside table and flipped through the pages of his lyrics. He felt a heaviness hovering above him and a hollowness sitting in his chest. He needed some sort of _catharsis_. So, he loosened his tie, picked up a pen, and scrawled wholeheartedly into the already crowded pages.

 

The sound that broke him from this state was a text from his best girl _friend_.

 

_Jenna: wanna see a movie or somethin? We need to talk ab student council stuff anyway_

 

Her crush on him was obvious, but Tyler chose to play dumb for the sake of their friendship. And his family’s expectations. There was a new thriller he wanted to see, so he took a deep breath and reluctantly replied:

 

_Tyler: sure, I’ll drive, cya in 5_

 


	2. The First Day

The shrill sound of his alarm clock awakened him. The annoyance in the back of his mind quickly faded away and was replaced instead with excitement as a realization dawned on him.  _ Tuesday, the first day of school, was finally here.  _

 

He quickly showered and got ready, a wide grin plastered on his face. The excitement he was feeling almost clouded the numbness hiding in the back of his brain. But he couldn’t think about that right now. Tyler slipped into a plain black hoodie with a thin seaweed unzipped zip-up overtop it. He paired that with ripped black skinnies and sleek black sneakers. He slung his backpack clumsily over his shoulder and hurried downstairs. He borderline  _ inhaled  _ his breakfast and practically pushed Zack into the car to speed off to school.

 

*** 

 

The two arrived a half-hour early and Tyler took this time to go over his schedule and get familiar with his locker. He felt comfortable with everything in less than 10 minutes so he decided to take a stroll around campus. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled deeply. His foot tapped restlessly on the floor, so he made a sharp turn into the main floor bathroom in an attempt to shake off the nerves.

 

He almost gasped when he saw a person leaning against the wall.

 

His frizzy brown curls were plastered to his startlingly pale forehead. There was a layer of sweat sheening his skin and his breathing was in complete disarray. The boy was shaking so hard Tyler could see it even from the three meter gap between them. Tyler didn’t recognize him, and he didn’t even look like he knew where he was _.  _ The boy finally noticed him standing there and his breathing quickened even more (if that was even possible). 

 

“Hey, hey, don’t be scared, I won’t hurt you,” Tyler could hear the uncertainty in his own voice and only cringed at the sound. 

 

The boy across from didn’t even register the sound or Tyler inching closer. He cleared his throat and tried again.

 

“Why don't we sit, huh?”

 

Tyler lowered himself to the floor and gestured for the boy to join him. After a few silent moments (aside from the hyperventilating filling the room), the boy slid down in front of Tyler. He moved to put his head in between his knees.

 

“No, no, hey, look at me okay?”

 

The boy was responding better and took less time to peer straight into Tyler’s eyes. His rich hazel eyes were filled with so much fear that Tyler’s heart was aching. 

 

“Let’s breathe together, okay? In for 4 and out for 8, can you do that for me?”

 

Tyler started, and it took a bit of time for the boy to even attempt to breathe. The first couple times lead to  _ painful _ wheezes and loud coughs, but eventually he found his rhythm and started breathing. The pair never broke eye contact, even as the color returned to the curly boy’s face. Tyler took the time to admire the boy’s jaw, and the fresh stubble decorating it, and his gorgeous almond-shaped eyes, and the light freckles dusting his nose. The way his tight gray t-shirt perfectly contoured his defined muscles and his black skinnies contrasted the grey, bringing out his beautiful features even more. Especially the way his—

 

_ Wait, what am I doing?  _

 

Tyler shook his head free of the strange thoughts and met the calmed boy’s gaze again, just as the boy pushed him out of the way and stood. He began walking out of the bathroom, clean grey vans squeaking rhythmically across the tile, before turning around and brushing a few curls out of his face. He met Tyler’s eyes again before uttering a few words his way.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts? Predictions? Let me know!


	3. The Tour

“What an asshole.”

He stepped out of the restroom, and checked his phone. He still had a good 15 minutes to do whatever, so he decided to walk around again. He’d barely walked 20 feet before he heard his name being called.

“Oh, T-Tyler!”

He spun on his heel to face the source of the sound, who turned out to be none other the _principal_.

“Hey Mr. Iero, what can I do for you?”

Suddenly, the principal seemed very nervous.

“Look, I trust you with this because you are the SC president and captain of the basketball team and an all-around well rounded student,”

He took a breath.

“We have a new student attending this school, a senior. And, well… I want you to look after him and show him around. You’ll only be responsible for him for a month or two, until he settles in, okay?”

Tyler’s heart skipped a beat or two but, he nodded nonetheless. 

“Great,” Mr. Iero flashed him a smile, “Let me introduce you guys. His name is Josh.”

As if almost on cue, a figure approached the two of them, and grinned slightly. Tyler almost audibly sighed, as this was the _same boy_ he had met in the bathroom barely _5 minutes ago._ He caught himself though, and smiled falsely. 

“Hello _Joshua,_ I’m Tyler. It’s _great_ to meet you, I _can’t wait_ to get to know _you_ this year.”

Tyler growled the words with as much poison as he could muster. Joshua seemed unaffected.

“Hey Tyler, it’s nice to meet you too, but you can call me Josh.” He said brightly.

Mr. Iero grinned widely and spoke next.

“You boys seem to be a perfect match. I’ll leave you two alone to do whatever. Come to my office if you need me.”

And with that, the man happily walked away.

Simultaneously, the false kindness from both of them died.

“So, _Josh_ … let me show you around the school. Follow me, and don’t get too far behind, I won’t wait for you.”

Josh saluted mockingly in response.

“Sir, yes, sir.”

 

***

 

After showing Josh the general location of everything, there were about 2 minutes before the day started. Tyler sighed and rubbed his eyes before looking at Josh again.

“Let me see your schedule.” Tyler decided.

Josh handed him the piece of paper without a word before returning to stare blankly at the wall. 

“Oh, _just great._ ” They had 3 classes together _and_ lunch. This day could honestly not get any worse.

Josh hadn’t reacted to Tyler’s words, instead he looked extremely deep in thought. His brown eyes were glazed and he was standing very still, except for the slight shakiness of his hands.

“Josh?” Tyler whispered. He was gradually becoming more worried, as _this_ boy didn’t reflect the impolite boy he had met mere minutes earlier. 

Tyler’s heartbeat picked up tempo, as moved to stand in front Josh, but the boy’s eyes showed no recognition. Josh’s face was adorned with multiple faded bruises and multiple cuts, as if someone with sharp rings had repeatedly punched him on his jaw. Tyler reached out to touch the wound, but as soon as his fingertips grazed the stubble on Josh’s cheeks, the curly-headed boy jumped out of Tyler’s reach and flattened himself against the wall. 

His breathing quickened and his eyes _finally_ focused on Tyler. It seemed as if the boy recognized him and relief spread over his features. 

“Josh, are you okay? What happened to your—”

“It’s nothing.”

“But, your—”

“It’s _nothing._ ”

The two stood in awkward silence for a few more beats, before Josh pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and quickly lit it. He took a long drag, as Tyler watched his every move. 

He silently cursed himself for staring, and cleared his throat.

“I think we have first period English together, so, uhm, I’ll take you?”

It came out as more of a question than a statement.

Nonetheless, Josh nodded and followed Tyler to their English classroom. He didn’t even bother to snuff out the cigarette.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet y'all saw that coming lol.
> 
> What do you think will become of them? What's going on with Josh? Will the wonders ever cease?
> 
> (Yes)


	4. Friends

The boys arrived in English mere seconds before the morning bell rung, but the teacher was nowhere to be seen. Tyler abandoned Josh to opt to sit with a few of his friends. If Josh had any objection, he didn’t voice it. Instead, he secluded himself in the farthest corner of the room and buried his head in his hands. 

“Hey Ty-guy!”

A small smile creeped up on Tyler’s face as he spotted Brendon and Alex, some of his closest friends, huddled near the center of the class. 

“Hey, Brendon. How was your summer?”

Alex turned away to speak to someone else.

“It was great. I took  _ Mrs. Urie _ on dates almost everyday.” 

“Oh? You took your mom on dates? Ew, Bren, I did not need—”

“Shut up, you know I mean Sarah! You know, my  _ girlfriend _ .”

“Yeah, sure.”

Tyler laughed lightly as Brendon’s face turned a shade of deep red. Abruptly, his eyes lit up and Tyler could swear he saw a light bulb appear over Brendon’s quiff.

“So… how’s  _ your _ girlfriend?” He near-shouted.

Alex quickly spun around in his seat with a mischievous look in his eyes. 

“Yeah Ty-Guy, how’s Jenna?”

Tyler could feel his cheeks burning, and he ran a nervous hand through his hair. 

“Guys, you know she’s not my girlfriend. We’re just friends. I mean—”

Brendon and Alex broke out laughing, and Tyler’s cheeks set on fire again. Alex wiped a tear from his eye, and breathlessly spoke.

“ _ Sure _ , dude. You know how many guys would kill to be with her? You’re just lucky she’s head over heels for you.”

And just as Tyler was about to respond, the English teacher waltzed into the room as if he wasn’t incredibly late.  _ Mr. Way _ , apparently didn’t care and immediately began handing out syllabi while talking nonstop about the numerous projects they were going to have for the year. 

Tyler’s attention span wasn’t having it. He bit his bottom lip and  _ forced  _ himself to at least  _ look like  _ he was paying attention, but he couldn’t help stealing glances at Josh, who looked like he’d rather be in hell than in Mr. Way’s English class. Josh noticed Tyler’s stare and shot him a warning look, and forced a disgusted look in Tyler’s direction.

Tyler looked down, and pretended the heat he felt in his cheeks was because of the high temperature in the room. 

After what felt like a year, Mr. Way passed out the first homework assignment of the year. It was just a bit of research on Shakespeare. Soon after, the bell rang. Luckily, Tyler didn’t have any classes with Joshua until lunch, so he pointed him in the direction of his next class and walked off to History. 

 

***

 

Lunch eventually arrived, despite Tyler willing it to disappear. He expected to see the boy waiting for him outside the lunchroom but instead, he saw the boy sitting alone, already inside. He wasn’t even trying to eat his lunch. Tyler’s heart went out to the boy, but he quickly shook off the thought and went to sit with his friends.

His friends were all discussing getting laid and going out their respective girlfriends. Tyler found himself disgusted so he peered back at Josh. Josh was looking back at him and noticed the shift of Tyler’s attention, he quickly looked down, blushing embarrassingly. Tyler felt his own cheeks heat up at the thought of the boy staring at  _ him  _ of all people. He ran a hand through his locks and tugged on them a little. Suddenly, the talking at his table died down and he looked up to see the source of the silence. 

Jenna was walking straight towards him. 

He inhaled sharply and smiled slightly at her. She smiled widely back before starting to speak. 

“Hey, Tyler! I don’t think we have any classes together yet, but SC stuff is starting about three or four weeks from now, so maybe I could come over to your house then to plan for homecoming?”

“Uh, well,”

Someone loudly cleared their throat behind him, so he sighed to himself and continued.

“I have to clear it with my folks first, but, sure.”

Jenna squealed and embraced Tyler, whispered a small ‘thanks,’ and ran off. 

His friends behind him started cheering.

It was going to be a long year. 

 

***

 

Thankfully, the rest of lunch went by uneventfully. His friends, however, would not stop patting him on the back and whispering dirty comments about him and Jenna.

_ They were just friends. _

He sighed to himself and walked off in the direction of the music room.

When Tyler pushed through the double doors, he quickly scanned the room to look for a place to sit. He saw the curly boy sitting alone, deep in thought. He approached him.

“Hey, Josh?”  

It seemed as if Josh didn’t really notice his presence. He was about to reach out to tap his shoulder, but judging from his reaction last time, he slipped in hand back into his hoodie pocket and tried again.

“Josh?”

Josh looked at him and huffed.

“Go away,” He grunted.

Tyler was slightly taken aback by the rude response, but quickly recovered. 

“Why? I mean I’m supposed to look after you anyway.”

Josh turned to face to him, slight annoyance reflected on his features. 

“Look  _ Tyler,  _ we aren’t supposed to be seen together. You’re the jock and I’m the loser new-kid, I get it. But I don’t need you to pretend to be nice to me and help me out just because you’re told to or your  _ friends  _ made you some bet to see if you could find a way to embarrass me publicly. I’m fine on my own, and I don’t need your fake pity.” He stood up and punctuated each word with a small poke to Tyler’s chest. “Get the fuck out of my face. If you’re just going to  _ act _ like you want to speak to me, leave and I don’t want to hear from you again.”

Tyler, for some reason, felt as if a dagger had pierced through his heart, and he rubbed his hands over his eyes and pressed them until they hurt. 

“Josh… dude, I’m not trying to- I just want to-”

Josh looked at him expectantly so he took a breath and tried again.

“I know you’re a good dude. I mean I don’t really know you or anything, and even though you cussed at me within five minutes of knowing me, I still think so. Now I know you  _ aren’t  _ that much of an asshole because you cussed me out to because you thought that I was just messing with you?”

Josh scoffed slightly and murmured a ‘Still do,’ but gave a slight nod, so Tyler continued, hoping his genuineness would show through in his words.

“Yeah, I am captain of the basketball team but I would  _ never  _ cheat you just because of  _ my _ friends. I don’t know, I was just hoping that maybe  _ we _ could get to know each other? I mean- if you don’t want to it’s okay- but I just thought it would be awkward if I had to follow you around and we hated each other- I mean—”

“It’s okay, man, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have judged you without… talking to you first.”

Josh sighed and smiled softly.

“By the way, you’re real cute when you blush.”

 

***

 

It was the evening of the first day of school and Tyler was bone tired. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the slip of torn notebook paper with the messy writing on one side. He pulled out his phone and created a new contact entered the number into a list under a new name:

_ Josh. _

In study hall, the last period of the day, Josh and Tyler briefly discussed the English assignment given to them earlier and agreed to call later to work on it together. Josh then handed him a piece of crumpled notebook paper with his number scrawled on it.

_ They were going to work together. That was it. Then he was going to hang up. _

They talked all night long.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this the last happy/laidback chapter.  
> Get those tissue boxes ready.


	5. Princess Peach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it took me a lot of thinking before deciding to include all parts of this chapter in the final publication. Even though I chose not to use archive warnings, I want to make sure that everyone knows that something triggering does happen in this chapter. It is very personal to me (though it is rather short), and I want all readers to take care when reading this. I will leave a small indication when the situation starts. Please, be safe. 
> 
>  
> 
> \- ukuvio

A couple of weeks had passed since the first day of school and things were beginning to pick up pace. Homework assignments had begun to be handed out daily and seniors across the school had started feeling the pressure.

Josh was nowhere to be seen. 

In fact, he’d missed more days of school in the first week than he’d actually attended. Not that Tyler was keeping track or anything but he couldn’t help running a nervous hand through his brown locks whenever he glanced at Josh’s empty seat. He wasn’t even answering his phone or the numerous worried texts Tyler had sent. However, he did see Josh once, outside smoking and tugging repeatedly on his hair, a large black eye forming on his face. Tyler considered approaching him, but being seen with the new kid with a black eye wouldn’t do good for his reputation. 

Nevertheless, today was the end of a new day, and Tyler wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep his massive headache away. Zack was riding home with a friend, so Tyler was more than happy to start his car and immediately start pulling out of the school, without having to wait for his turtle of a brother to show up. He placed the keys in the ignition, but he turned around once he heard his name being called.

“Ty!”

A newly pink-haired Josh was jogging towards his beat-up blue Honda.

“Nice ride. Scoot over.”

Tyler was suspicious of this seemingly out-of-the-blue request, but moved to the passenger side nonetheless. Josh hopped in and drove off, with Tyler in tow. 

“Hey, uh, where are we going?”

Josh smirked and sent him a mischievous look. 

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, it’s a surprise.”

Tyler grimaced and rubbed his forehead, before feeling his heart race.

About 15 minutes passed with the light radio playing in the background. Tyler would hum to the music playing (usually Death Cab) and Josh would say something about how much he loved the song, how good Tyler’s taste in music was, or how Tyler’s voice was _amazing._

“We’re here!” Josh exclaimed. 

When Tyler saw where they were he tossed his head back cackling and even had to wipe at his eyes.

“Ice cream? Seriously, Josh!”

“C’mon, let’s go inside.”  

They both exited the car before Josh quickly tapped him on the shoulder and started running.

“Tag! You’re it!”

 

***

 

The two sat inside the parlor inside a booth shooting fruit into each other’s mouths. Tyler could swear he saw the cashier giving them weird looks. 

He didn’t care.

“Oh come on Ty, how come you’ve never missed a shot?”

Tyler blushed at nickname but retorted anyway.

“Maybe ‘cause you just suck at this?”

“Shut up,” Josh hissed, tone playful. He ruffled his pink curls and smiled. 

It was the first time Tyler had seen him smile. Like, _really_ smile. He bared his beautiful white teeth and his bright pink tongue snuck in between them. The corners of his eyes scrunched up and his eyelids almost pressed together.

Josh’s smile was one of Tyler’s new favorite things.

 

***

 

The two finished up and hopped into Tyler’s car. They were just finishing up a conversation about Josh’s drums back in Chicago. 

“... and I was jamming out and one of my old friends, he set my drums on fire while I was playing them! It was so sick!”

They both laughed and neither could stop. They kept catching their breath and then looking at the other only to start giggling again.

They eventually started breathing again and Tyler spoke.

“Hey maybe I could see you play? I promise I won’t set them on fire.”

Josh paled suddenly and scratched the back of his neck.

“My… uh, house is kinda a mess right now, and I guess not really fit for guests..."

He seemed suddenly nervous and bit his lip. Tyler hesitated before trying again.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad, your folks will love me, I mean—”

“No, Ty, please, I don’t want to- I can’t- My dad- He—” Josh’s breathing was getting dangerously fast.

“Hey, slow down.” Tyler panicked. “Uh, how about we go to my house instead?”

Josh didn’t even meet his eyes when he answered.

“S-sure, y-yeah, that sounds nice.”

 

***

 

Tyler was seated on his bed admiring Josh as he ran around the bedroom, glancing at every band poster, making some witty remark, and then moving on. He was so adorable. _In the best bro kind of way. Yeah._

After Josh had literally run a 5k around Tyler’s room, they made some light conversation before heading to the basement to play some Mario Kart.

Tyler played as Mario and Josh chose Princess Peach. When Tyler guffawed at the character choice, Josh brushed him off and stuck his tongue out.

“She’s the best character.” He argued.

 

***

 

The sun had eventually set and rounds and rounds of Mario Kart had been played.

“Unlike the fruit tossing, you don’t suck at this.” Tyler had commented.

Josh had laughed, flashing one of his signature smiles. 

“Yeah, considering I won every match.”

“Hey! I beat you twice!”

“Only twice, Tyjo?”

“Shut up.” Tyler had pouted.

Josh had rolled a cigarette between his fingers before speaking again.

“It sucks, but it’s getting kinda late so I gotta get home.”

“No problem… uh, need a ride?”

“Yeah, actually that’d be great.”

He had smiled shyly but his tongue still poked through his teeth. 

Tyler had felt his cheeks heat up.

“Sure, lead the way, princess.” He had said. 

Now, it was around 11 o’clock and Tyler was lying on his bed waiting for sleep to take him. His arms were sore from having to shoot 500 free throws before the dinner he hadn’t eaten. He wasn’t hungry. He wasn’t anything.

He felt empty. Just empty.

Nothing really felt real and the oncoming stress from the soon-to-start basketball season and college rejections didn’t help with that. He couldn’t find the energy to close his eyelids so he opted to stare blankly at his whirring ceiling fan. 

Just fantasizing.

His mind wandered to Josh. He smiled slightly and recalled the events of the day. Something seemed different when he was with Josh, it appeared as if his bouncy curls and his glowing smile could chase away all of his bad thoughts and stresses.

Josh was amazing.

But there was something off about him.

He had reacted oddly when Tyler had asked about going to his house he’d even mentioned _his parents_ in his panic. 

Something just didn’t feel right. 

He’d always come to school with new bruises and never told Tyler how they happened. He was always jumpy or smoking and barely smiled. He had no idea what could be happening to Josh. Maybe he was always in fights or in a gang or something. It was worrying, but it wasn’t really Tyler’s business or his place to ask about Josh’s life. It was really hard though because Tyler’s stomach plummeted at the thought of Josh being hurt, in pain, or in fear. He was too good of a person for—

A text notification broke him from his trance.

 

_Alex: Hey u awake?_

_Tyjo: yeah what’s up_

_Alex: I saw the new kid driving u home_

_Alex: well idk if he was but he was in ur car_

_Tyjo: Yeah ik_

_Alex: Well i just wanted to make sure he didn’t kidnap u lol_

_Alex: Heard he was gay or something gross like that_

_Alex: Why were u with him anyway_

Tyler paused before answering. 

_Tyjo: He needed help with a project, u know i'm in charge of him_

He bit his lip.

_Tyjo: Why would i willingly hang out with that loser anyway?_

 

****Take Care****

 

It had been hours since Tyler had dropped Josh off at his house. Josh had just recently worked up the nerve to even attempt to enter his own house. He could hear thunder in the distance and the air was extremely humid, so he running out of time to hang around the neighborhood. It was past midnight at this point, but he saw lights still on in the house. 

His dad might still be up.

His mom was somewhere back in Chicago, being so sick of his dad and Josh that she took the youngest children and ran off in the middle of the night. She wanted him to go back to Columbus with his dad, although his alcoholism was getting dangerously out of control. 

His life had been hell ever since then.

Josh dumped his backpack in the front bushes of his house and started scaling the side of the home carefully. He snuffed out his fourth cigarette of the night against the siding of the house and continued. He made no noise, as he had done this more times than he could count on his two hands. He removed the netting of his window, balancing on the sill, and slipped his fingers under the window and pulled—

_Shit._

He’d forgotten to leave the window unlocked when he went to pick Tyler up. 

He pressed his fingers into his eyelids and pushed until he saw red. He was starting to panic, imagining the worst possible scenarios, so he tugged on his curls and focused on the sting on his scalp. 

He had to go through the front door. 

He hoped his dad would be passed out or too drunk to notice his entry. He didn’t really have the energy to deal with that right now.

In one fluid movement, Josh hopped two stories down and landed almost silently on the grass. He pulled the spare key from under the mat and unlocked the door with trembling hands. The TV was on, and his dad was planted in the folds of the couch with beer bottles scattered everywhere, but there was no other indication that his dad had noticed his presence. He exhaled quietly and started tiptoeing towards the stairs. 

He was mere _inches_ from the staircase when a glass bottle hit the space behind his head and shattered, leaving small scratches and his cheek.

“Where the hell have you been, boy?” His dad slurred.

_Shit._

Josh stood frozen to the spot and felt his hands go cold. Suddenly his mouth was dry and his tongue was numb. 

 _Shitshitshitshitsh_ —

“Am I talking to a damn wall?” He bellowed.

Josh made a run for the front door. 

He didn’t make it very far.

His dad’s arms snaked around his waist and pulled their bodies together. Josh’s back to his father’s chest.

“Please, dad, no, I’m sorry, please...”

His felt his father’s icy lips make contact with his neck and his hands sneak under Josh’s t-shirt, pulling and pinching hard on his nipples, all while Josh writhed in his grip.

His dad’s hard-on grazed his lower back and he bit back the urge throw up everything he’d eaten. 

He was crying and he felt his father’s cold finger slips underneath the waistband of his underwear and grip him so hard _it hurt._

“No, no, no, please… NO, STOP!”

“I’m gonna make you feel so _good_ you won’t even _think_ about any other men, fairy. I know you like it rough, so I won’t hold back.”

Josh screamed until his voice went hoarse and blood filled his mouth.

He felt his dad on top of him, around him, and _inside him._

Then everything went black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... how'd you guys do with that (if you read it)? I tried not to make it too bad, because I know that kind of thing is really serious.  
> So what do you think about the developments so far?


	6. "Almost"

Today was the day Jenna was coming over to his house, and his friends wouldn’t let him hear the end of it.

He brushed them off and gave them high fives when offered, but he was secretly trying to hold back the panic he’d been feeling since morning. He found himself almost hyperventilating for no reason multiple times that day. 

Josh was there though, and just his presence had a calming effect on Tyler. He would always smile widely when he caught Tyler looking at him. 

The smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

***

 

Tyler peered into the lunchroom, and realized just how much he didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to talk to his friends. He didn’t want to see Jenna. He didn’t want to pretend to be interested in what they had to say. He tugged hard on his locks. Just when he was about to swallow his pride and enter, his phone went off.

_ Joshie: meet me on the roof _

Tyler tilted his head at the cryptic text, but found the pull down staircase in the janitor’s closet that lead to the roof. Every student in the school knew where it was, but Tyler never had any motivation or reason to use it.

Until now.

Tyler pulled himself through the hatch and dumped his materials near the opening. He saw a tuft of pink in the distance, and the body it was attached to sitting on the edge of the roof with his legs dangling over the edge.

“Josh?”

He made a noise of acknowledgement and beckoned Tyler over. He sat next to the boy and looked at him, just studying his features. His eyes were puffy and red and he was balancing a cigarette in between his lips.

Even when he was in pain, he was so, so, beautiful.

He bit his lip and started pulling at his locks. Josh grabbed his hand and gently pulled it away from his hair. He encased with his own, lacing their fingers together, and smiled tenderly at Tyler. 

Tyler almost pulled his hand away.

Almost.

“Ty, tell me what’s wrong.”

Tyler frowned and looked at Josh. The truth got stuck in his throat, and the lies found its way through.

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” He looked away.

“I never said there was.” He placed his hand on Tyler’s cheek and lifted up his chin, forcing him to lock eyes with Josh. “I really care about you, Ty. I want to help you. I know the signs when I see them. So, please, tell me what’s wrong.” His voice cracked more and more with every word.

That’s all it took for Tyler to break down.

He sobbed and he shook and he told Josh everything. The stress and buildup of everything. The way his parents were trying to force him to like Jenna because ‘obviously they were perfect for each other.’ The way his friends never shut up about the things he said he was uncomfortable with and he was so sick of it. The basketball season starting the next day. The college scholarship essays he would soon have to start writing. The way his parents pushed and pushed about basketball. The sleepless nights. The way everything just felt so out of control. The way he was so scared of his feelings because of the way his parents might judge him. Everything just felt like too much.

Josh didn’t talk, and instead pushed Tyler into his chest and hummed lightly into his body until he gained control of his breathing.

“Tyler, you have to be open with me, okay? The day I judge you will be the last day I live, so  _ promise me  _ you’ll tell me whenever something is bothering you? And… I’ll try my best to do the same.”

“I promise.” He whispered. “How’d you know? T-that I wasn’t feeling okay.” His voice was still hoarse and raspy from crying.

Josh chuckled.

“Well you just told me, didn’t you?”

Tyler scoffed but didn’t break eye contact with Josh. His eyes were like a hazel security blanket that chased all of his fears away.

He now noticed how close their faces were. 

His heart skipped a beat and Josh seemed to have had the same idea.

Josh leaned in slightly before whispering something. Tyler felt his warm breath tickle his nose. 

“Can I?”

Tyler almost said no.

Almost.

He nodded and leaned in as well.

When their lips connected, it wasn’t like fireworks going off. No, not at all. 

It was soft and warm and  _ loving,  _ enveloping each other in their presence, making sure neither felt alone. 

When they parted to take a breath, Josh looked at Tyler again.

“Can I kiss you again?”

Tyler nodded.

“Please.”

They kissed again and simply melted into each other. Tyler swung his arms around Josh’s neck and he tightened his grip on Tyler’s waist. Tears began falling down each of their faces, both finding security in each other that they could not find anywhere else. 

Josh broke the kiss to peck away the salty tears making themselves home on Tyler’s face. Tyler used the pad of his thumb to reciprocate the gesture for Josh.

“You’re too pretty to cry.” Josh murmured.

“You’re one to talk.” Tyler quietly responded.

Tyler initiated one last peck before speaking again.

“J,  really,  _ really  _ like you. I… want to be able to-”

He took a breath and searched for the right words. 

“I want to be able to call you mine, and  _ to be yours. _ I’ve never wanted anything as much as this and this  _ feeling _ is so unfamiliar to me, especially  _ with a g-guy, _ I don’t know how to go about—”

Josh silenced him with a long kiss on his forehead.

“Please, Tyler, let me save you the trouble. I want you to be mine, and only mine, so I would like to ask if you’d want to  _ be with me.  _ Us against the world, you know? Just you and me, hand in hand?”

“Josh, I would want nothing more.”

Josh beamed and this time the smile touched his eyes. Tyler just had to smile back. For real.

“J, there is one thing though…”

Josh looked at him questioningly but waited for him to continue.

“I c-can't go public about us yet. I w-want everyone to know you’re mine, and that we’re together, but  _ I can’t.  _ No one knows I like guys. Hell,  _ I  _ didn’t even know I did until I met you. But my p-parents have made their opinion on h-homosexuality very clear in the past, and my f-friends are a b-bunch of—”

“I get it. I really do. When I told my parents about my feeling and they reacted badly. I get the fear and the uncertainty so,  _ of course  _ I will give you time to come to terms with everything and tell everyone. I have never been in a relationship with another man,” Suddenly the pink-haired boy seemed very fragile and unsure of himself. “So, yeah, take your time.”  He chuckled. “I can’t wait though.”

Tyler smiled.

“Me neither.”

 

***

 

The two boys spent the rest of the day acting like children in love. They held hands underneath the desk and gave slick pecks to each other, all while giggling madly. Whenever they saw someone glancing their way, they broke contact and looked as disgusted by the other as possible, and when they were in the clear, Josh always winked at Tyler and he stuck his tongue out in response. 

 

***

 

The end of the day had rolled along and Tyler was feeling much calmer about the upcoming events. He picked up Jenna by the front entrance and the two drove to Tyler’s home in relative silence. Tyler would quietly sing along to the songs on the radio and Jenna would giggle wildly and touch his arm. 

Soon, the two arrived and headed up to Tyler’s room. No one else was home, as his parents were still working and the rest of his siblings were still at school or at a friends’ house. 

“So…? Where do you want to start?” Tyler said as he sat on his bed. He gestured for Jenna to sit at his desk.

“Well! I was thinking…”

Tyler started to zone out.

 

***

 

After about an hour, the two decided on a beach theme for homecoming. They contacted other people on the council to organize the costs. They finished up and Tyler stood.

“So, we’re done for the most part. Do you need a ride? You live two blocks down, right?”

“Right.” She whispered, but there was something off. She smiled suggestively and ran a hand through her messy hair. “I was thinking we could do something else instead.”

“What… uh, did you have in mind?” Tyler suddenly was very uncomfortable. 

“Let me show you.”

She snuck two fingers into in the waistband of his sweats and pulled them together. 

“Jen, look—”

He was cut off by a hand suddenly massaging him through his pants. He bit his lip and held back a flurry of moans in his throat as he felt himself getting more aroused with each touch. Jenna harshly pushed his chest, and he stumbled back and fell onto the bed, lying on his back.

“Stop. Jenna, I’m not—”

His voice died in his throat as she slipped a hand inside his underwear and started stroking him. 

She spit into her hand and started working him rhythmically. Jenna hummed as she sucked a large, painful hickey slightly above the center of waistband of his boxers.

He groaned once in his throat and tried to tell her to get off, tears rolling down his face, but the words got lost in his throat somewhere.

_ I mean, this is supposed to happen, right? Because we’re supposed to be perfect for one another. It’s okay for this to be happening. It’s okay if you don’t want this. This is okay. _

He repeated it to himself over and over again, trying to distance himself from the ongoing situation.

His breathing turned into panting as he came close and Jenna picked up her efforts, pulling and twisting at the tip. He couldn’t help it as he started to thrust his hips up into her hand, and quiet moans came tumbling out of his mouth. He grunted and exhaled heavily as he came minutes later, squirming and sweating as he struggled to catch his breath. 

Jenna licked her hand clean and drew out a long kiss to his lips. It felt cold and dirty, and sparked anxiety in his chest. She started walking out the door, but not before she turned around to speak to him.

“I don’t need a ride by the way. Thanks for everything.”

After a few minutes, he placed himself back in his pants and closed the door after her. He placed his forehead on the cool wood of the door, taking deep breaths, with only one name on his lips.

_ Josh. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. You dirty little cheater. Will Josh ever find out about his horrible mistake?
> 
> Just a heads up, the updating will be slowing down a bit from now on.


	7. Lunchtime Nightmare

Tyler walked into his high school about 15 minutes earlier than the starting time. There were barely people in the hallways, most of them opting to lazily chat outside the front doors. He rubbed his red-rimmed bloodshot eyes and yawned, small tears gathering near the ends of his tear ducts. He couldn’t sleep the night before, with the guilt of what had happened with Jenna sitting on his chest.

He exhaled lightly and pushed the door open into the Principal’s office.

The office was covered with cheap and peeling wallpaper and dimly lit by an aesthetic table lamp. The light pouring from the fixed over awnings was miniscule but added to the calming feel of the room. The Principal looked unsurprised that a student barged into his office without knocking, and looked up from his book to face Tyler as he took a seat in a leather chair. 

“Oh, Tyler. What can I help you with? Is Josh acting up?”

“Hey Mr. Iero. Uh… no, Josh is,” He sighed. “Josh is a great person.”

“Good to hear.” He slid off his glasses and looked back up at Tyler. “So, what’s the problem?”

He took a breath as hot tears pricked at his eyelids.

“I want to quit student council. I don’t want to be part of it anymore.”

“Hm?” Mr. Iero looked slightly surprised. “Is that so? You’ve been a dedicated member since freshman year.”

“Yeah.” Those tears started falling and the man reached across the desk to hand him a tissue box. 

He spoke up again. 

“I, uh, made a terrible mistake and I hate myself for it. It has something to do with student council and I don’t want to be associated with it anymore.” He was choking on his sobs, but embarrassment was forcing them back down his throat.

“Tyler, remember to breathe. I’ll take you off the council, okay? But it will be a shame to lose your insight.”

Tyler nodded and turned to leave, but without whispering a small, ‘thanks’. 

 

***

 

Tyler started heading towards his first period, not at all excited for the remaining events of the school day. As he was just about to round the corner, he saw Josh approaching Mr. Way’s classroom. All of a sudden, three huge seniors (probably football players or something) came up behind him. 

Tyler quickly lined himself up with the wall and watched the scene from over his shoulder. 

One of the boys pushed Josh’s snapback off his head. The drummer turned, an unreadable emotion plastered on his face, and met the eyes of his tormentor.

“Fag.” One shouted as his kicked Josh in the calf.

Tyler willed his legs to move, but his body would not respond. Josh could be hurt, but even that fact didn’t make him intervene. 

“Gaytard.” Another pushed his books out of his hand and shoved him backwards.

Josh seemed unfazed and squatted to gather his belongings.

“You listenin’, twink?” The last spat and kicked him in the chest, making him fall over.

Josh  _ chuckled  _ before whispering at the last jock.

“Actually, I don’t do bottom.”

He got up and walked giddily into the classroom, even with the stunned boys shouting derogatory slurs at him.

Tyler was absolutely disgusted with himself. He watched as the boys kicked and pushed Josh,  _ his boyfriend,  _ around and did nothing. 

He was so weak. 

 

***

 

Tyler walked into first period, hood up to try to hide the horrid things his guilt had done to his face. He found his seat and placed his head down on the desk, as if that would make his throbbing headache go away. Brendon and Alex tried talking to him once or twice but Tyler couldn’t find the energy to construct answers containing more than one or two words, so they disregarded him eventually returned to their respective conversations, much to Tyler’s delight.

Mr. Way eventually began his lecture and the rest of the class was furiously taking notes, and trying to suck in the knowledge before it flew away and appeared on their next test. He instead chewed on the end of his pen, and taking shallow breaths through his nose. Tyler could see Josh sneaking worried glances at him from across the room, and this alone made bile rise in his throat.  _ Josh cared about him so, so much and he went and betrayed him in the worst way possible.  _ Suddenly the room felt like a shrinking box that was closing in on Tyler too quickly. He could feel himself start to sweat when Josh perked a concerned eyebrow in his direction and mouthed an, ‘ _ Are you okay?’ _

He shook his head violently and covered his face with a hand. He could feel countless eyes on him and hear his friends whispering concerned questions madly at his sides. Everything was so far away and the numerous sounds attacking him from all angles only made his body shake harder. 

A hand touched his shoulder and he jerked back like he’d been stung, almost hurting himself in the process. It caused him to finally remove his hand from his eyes, so he could get a better look of the threat. A very blurry Mr. Way appeared in front of him, unease etched on all of his features. Tyler quickly glanced around the classroom, meeting the eyes of all of his fellow classmates, and a very restless Josh who was cleary unsettled by the way Tyler was acting. His lungs squeezed in suddenly and harsh coughs came tumbling out of his mouth.

Mr. Way’s hand waved slowly in front of his face, drawing his attention back to the teacher. 

“Tyler, do you need to be excused?”

He nodded frantically, gathered his things, and  _ sprinted  _ to the nearest restroom. Luckily, no one was there to witness his breakdown as he crumbled into a mess of sobs on the bathroom floor. He wailed and he whimpered into his sleeve until he heard hurried footsteps rushing into the room, so he cleaned his face as best he could before the stranger walked in.

“Oh, Tyler,” Josh whispered. “What’s going on?”

Tyler tried to take a deep breath to answer, without lifting his head, but instead a wheezing sound emitted from his throat, causing him to clutch his throat and cry harder. He didn’t hear any movement from the other man, but he heard Josh’s breath hitch before the room went silent.

“Tyler, why aren’t you looking at me?”

The room fell silent again.

“Ty, please, look at me.”

When Tyler finally got the courage to look up, he instantly regretted it. Josh’s face was streaked with tears and his hands were over his mouth to muffle his breathing. His pink curls were a complete mess, as if he’d run his fingers through it on the whole walk to the bathroom. Tyler dragged his fingernails across his eyes, trying to scratch the horrible images away, while the other dug its own fingernails into his neck, trying to force himself to  _ get a fucking grip.  _ He pushed his fingers deeper, even though he could feel blood beading up on his neck. 

Large, warm hands gently pulled his hands away from their respective locations. Tyler thrashed and twisted, not wanting to be touched, but the hands just held him until he stopped and calmed, just shaking instead. He felt himself being lifted up into another lap and being  _ embraced  _ while the body rocked him back and forth. 

Josh was too good to him, and this only caused  _ another round of tears  _ to come crashing into him.

“I-I just hate myself so fucking much,” Tyler started. “I’m just a-absolute _shit_. I just f-fuck up everything that starts to go well, you k-know? It's like every chance of happiness I have, I try t-to get there but I end up falling and taking someone down with me. And I’m just _so fucking obsessed_ with how everyone else thinks my life should be, and- and it's _killing me_ on the inside.” Josh traced patterns into his back, shaking with his own tears, but urging him to continue. “I never do what I want because I know I’ll end up hurting someone and myself and disappointing a _fuckton_ of people. A-and I wish I could change and be _normal_ for a fucking change, because I’d rather be dead than to keep living like this.”

Josh shushed him and continued rocking him back and forth. They were there like this for almost twenty minutes, as Tyler slowly regained his composure. He snuggled further into Josh, seeking his warmth, and buried his nose into the crook of his neck. The murmured a small, ‘Thanks,’ into Josh’s jumper, and he replied with a small hum. 

After everything toned down, Josh began casual conversation as if nothing had just happened, as if trying to distract Tyler.

“When’s your birthday, Ty?

“December 1st.” He responded quietly, not even bothering to lift his head from Josh’s chest.

“Really? That soon? Man, I got to start brainstorming.”

Tyler scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah? What do you have in mind?”

“Well, you play piano, right?” He rubbed his stubble, deep in thought. “What else do you play?”

Tyler nodded slightly before verbally answering. “Yeah, that and bass guitar. I’ve been itching to learn something new.”

“Oh yeah? A grand piano might be  _ a bit  _ out of my price range, but I’ll see what I can do.”

Josh ended the conversation with a slow kiss to Tyler’s lips. Tyler couldn’t find it in himself kiss him back, and when he peered up at the boy he was snuggling into, he didn’t seem to notice or care. 

Tyler realized how much he adored this man. 

“So, do you wanna go back?” Josh whispered.

“Not in the least.” Tyler replied.

“Okay.” Josh simply said, and they cuddled and talked until the second period bell rung.

They didn’t care.

 

***

 

The two boys eventually let go of one another to head to their fourth period classes. In the couple hours they spent together, they talked about everything from their favorite bands to the meaning of life to their favorite colors (Tyler’s was blue and Josh’s was lavender). The relaxed conversations they shared only made Tyler more fond of the drummer, and he swore to never let those warm, honey eyes ever find out about the situation between him and Jenna. 

He could barely keep his attention on his work, and his Chemistry teacher, Mr. Wentz, continued to call him out on it. He huffed and tried not to think about anything but the Periodic Table. 

It was getting increasingly difficult to get Josh off his mind though.

 

***

 

Lunch eventually rolled around and Tyler stood outside the double doors, gathering the nerve to enter the cafeteria.  Unfortunately, there was no ‘Rooftop Josh’ to save him this time (as he could see the boy already sitting inside), so he mocked confidence as he pushed through the doors and took his seat on a plastic chair.

His friends were having a stupid argument about something that Tyler didn’t care enough about to pay attention. He unboxed his pasta and poked at it, trying to work up some sort of an appetite. 

Eventually, he got bored of pretending to be hungry, and the room felt a bit too hot. He stood up to remove his jet black hoodie, and started to peel it over his head. He felt his shirt ride up a bit, but he didn’t think of it as a big deal until someone sitting near him gasped.

When the hoodie was finally off of him, he saw Alex sporting an extremely surprised and excited expression, while everyone else at the table had their eyes glued to him.

“Dude, are my abs too sexy for you to handle or something?” Tyler awkwardly joked, deeply confused by the situation. 

“Tyler, is that a  _ hickey  _ on your stomach?”

_ Shit. He’d forgotten about that. _

He could feel the color drain from his face before he choked out an answer. 

“A h-hickey? Of course not, where would I—”

Alex was already on him, pushing Tyler’s hands behind his back and sliding up his t-shirt. 

“Oh my god! It is! Ty-Guy’s been getting some action!”

The table cheered and Vance, some guy on the school’s basketball team, piped up. 

“Didn’t you hang out with  _ Jenna  _ yesterday?” He said suggestively. 

Tyler covered his face and tried to resist the urge to throw up everything in his stomach. There was no use denying it.

“It was  _ just  _ a handjob, not—”

Suddenly, he felt two sets of hands on him, lifting him on top of the cafeteria table. Tyler was by no means physically weak, but two pretty buff guys on him had him at a big disadvantage. 

He finally opened his eyes as Alex slid his t-shirt up and started speaking.

“Attention, fuckers!” He shouted. Tyler writhed but Vance and Alex both tightened their grip. Tyler glanced at Brendon, pleading for assistance, but the black-haired boy looked conflicted.

“So,” Alex continued. “I know you’ve all been waiting for it, but, my man, Tyler Joseph,  _ finally _ got a handjob from, the queen herself, Jenna Black!”

Half of the cafeteria erupted in cheers, while the other half looked like they couldn’t care less. Tyler felt tears roll down his face as he simply gave up and stop kicking. Once the rioting quieted, Alex spoke again. 

“Do you deny it,  _ Tyler? _ ”

Tyler tried to answer but he retched on his sobs and dropped his head in defeat.

“There you have it, folks!”

Cheers came again and the two boys finally let Tyler off the table at the angry and persistent (but late) demand of a teacher.

Tyler turned around to face the table and shouted angrily at them. 

“What the  _ hell,  _ guys?”

Vance at least looked guilty and avoided Tyler’s piercing gaze, but Alex had a shit-eating grin on his face and looked extremely proud of himself.

Tyler was just about to spew a furious rant before he saw a flash of pink behind him.

_ Shit.  _

A smiling Josh appeared in front of his face and something seemed so  _ off  _ about him.

“Tyler?” He spoke coldly. “Congrats with Jenna.” 

Josh walked out of the lunchroom.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys heard Levitate (if not you better drop everything and go listen to it RIGHT NOW)?
> 
> I was so happy to wake up to a song being dropped by the boys.


	8. Practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small little tw. If you're worried about it, check the tags.

Each of Josh’s words cut into Tyler’s heart like knives. He spun around to glare at Alex, who seemed confused but suspicious of the interaction between the two seemingly estranged boys. Tyler struck him in the jaw with all his might. His knuckles burned with the recoil, but it all seemed worth it when Alex fell to the floor and gripped his bruising jaw. He was livid and seeing red, wanting to hurt anyone and anything that was in his way. Tyler glanced at Vance, who looked all but terrified, and took a slow step towards him.

Vance took a couple of hurried steps back, before apologetic words began tumbling out of his mouth. 

“Dude, I-I’m s-so sorry, I didn’t k-know—”

Tyler silenced him with a raised hand, and took a breath, trying to fight the tears rising in his eyes. His entire lunch table was staring at him, many baffled and perplexed faces among the crowd. Quickly, everything became too much. 

Without a word, he turned on his heel and ran out of the school. He heard shouts and yells from the teachers in the cafeteria, probably calling him back for consequences, but he kept running. The chilly October air seemed to bite the tips of his nose and fingers, so he ran to his car and shakily unlocked the door. The tears running down his face seemed to freeze on his cheeks, even with the heat on full blast. He knew he was in no condition to be driving, so he drove the fastest he could, pushing the speed limit multiple times. 

When he eventually got home, he slammed the door of his car so hard the car rocked, and paused, shaking so hard his keys were rattling in his palms. He screamed and kicked his tires until his feet hurt and his voice went hoarse.

He found himself staggering into the bathroom and gripping a razor in his wobbling hands. 

Tyler curled up against the cold tile of the bathroom floor, sobs racking his body so hard the room simply swam in his vision. 

He gripped the edges so hard in his hand that when he unclenched his fist, little red streams of blood erupting from his palm. The blade’s sharp edges whispered sweet promises to him, as every ounce of his resolve leaked out of him, with the rest of his tears.

He slammed his back into wall, enjoying the way it made his brain buzz in his skull and his teeth rattle in his mouth. Everything felt  _ calm _ , for a few blissful moments, before the emotions he was feeling earlier returned, hitting him like a truck. Another wave of sobs attacked his body as his limbs began to tingle and sting. He knew it was all in his head, but the pain felt so real, so he weakly whimpered in agony and sunk the razor into the soft skin above the start of his jeans. His mind was screaming words of self-loathing, cursing him for being so pathetic, sprawled over the hard ground and begging for death.

_ One for Josh. _

_ One for Jenna.  _

_ One for his cowardice. _

_ One for not pushing Jenna away. _

His stomach and jeans were stained with the same red now drenching his hands. 

_ One for his stupidity. _

_ One for his cheating. _

_ One for being a failure. _

_ One for succumbing to pressure. _

_ One for hurting Josh. _

The room was beginning to swim again.

_ One to be in control. _

The edges of his vision were slowing fading into darkness.

_ One for letting himself fall for Josh. _

_ The last one for making Josh feel like Tyler good enough for him. _

HIs eyes rolled back into his head as his body slumped against the wall, the bloody razor still tucked in between his unconscious fingers.

 

***

 

The sound of keys unlocking the front door was what finally brought Tyler back to consciousness. 

“Tyler!” His dad boomed. “Why the hell are you home?”

“Shit.” He cursed quietly, and stripped himself of his clothes before gently wiping the dried blood stuck on his skin with a mix of water and hydrogen peroxide. 

He winced and cursed at the sting, but tried to breathe through the piercing pain.

“Tyler?” His dad’s voice rattled the walls again. “Answer me.” His dad was trudging slowly up the stairs. 

Tyler gathered his bloody clothes, using the his shirt to mop up the blood on the tile, and sprinted into his room and threw on the first clothes he could find. He assumed a casual position on his back, splayed out across his bed, and pretended to send texts on his phone. 

His dad barged into his room without knocking seconds later, with an uncertain look on his face, as if he was expecting Tyler to be doing inappropriate.

“Hey, dad.”

“Why are you home so early?” He questioned angrily, and his tone was laced with venom.

“I didn’t really… want to be at school anymore.”

His dad looked  _ pissed  _ but surprisingly didn’t push that subject anymore, and instead changed the direction of the conversation.

“Are you still going to basketball practice this evening?” He perked an eyebrow.

Tyler knew what his dad wanted to hear, so he just rolled with it, not really having the energy to protest. 

“Yeah. I think I will.”

“Great.” He smiled widely. “Why don’t you go outside and shoot an extra five-hundred free throws?”

It wasn’t really a question.

But as his dad was turning around to leave, Tyler felt a rush of confidence and bravery surge through him. 

“Actually, Dad… I’m not really in the mood for basketball.”

His father froze, his fingertips grazing the doorknob.

“What?” He asked quietly, almost  _ daring _ Tyler to repeat what he had just said.

“I don’t feel like playing basketball today.” He held his breath, bracing himself for the sure-to-come outraged reaction.

The room went dead silent, so quiet in fact that Tyler could hear his father’s breathing. 

In a little more than a second, his dad crossed the room and grabbed the collar of Tyler’s mustard hoodie and lifted him off of the ground. Tyler kicked and struggled in his father’s grip but his dad simply adjusted his grip so his hand squeezed Tyler’s neck, choking him. 

“Now, you listen here, boy.” He spat. “You live in my house, so you follow my damn rules. When I tell you to shoot five-hundred hoops, you better go out there and shoot the fucking hoops. I’m the one who put fifty grand in your college account, so you can go to college on a scholarship and still have money to do whatever you want. If you don’t want to listen, take your shit and get out.”

He dropped Tyler and the boy fell to his knees, grasping his neck and willing his lungs to work. 

His dad looked like he was about to leave before he suddenly change his mind.

“You know what? Get up.”

He didn’t even wait for Tyler to try to comply and simply picked him up by his collar again and pushed him towards the out of his door, down the stairs, and out to the driveway. He pulled up a lawn chair and placed a basketball into his wobbling hands. 

“Five-hundred. Now.”

 

*** 

 

Hours had passed and Tyler sat in his car, composing himself enough to enter his high school for the first basketball practice of the year. 

He exited the car, quickly locked it, and walked some distance into the gym locker room. He was the last one there and most of the other players were already conversing with one another. He unzipped his seaweed zip-up and peeled off the black shirt he’d placed under it. The gauze he’d wrapped around his stomach was a bit to thin, in retrospect, but it would last him until the end of the practice. He was completely out of bandages anyway, so if he didn’t go straight to store after this, he’d bleed through it. 

He sighed and sat on the locker room bench out he had completely changed and buried his head in his hands. He still didn’t know what he was going to do about Josh. He had to get his forgiveness, right? It wasn’t close to fair that on their first day of being together, he’d cheated on him. God, he was so weak. What stopped him from simply pushing her away? Did he actually want it? He wondered how Josh was taking this, it probably—

“Where’s the hearse, man?”

He peered up to see a tall, black haired student standing in front of him. His hair was ruffled and messy, but the individual strands were light enough to stand on their own. His build was skinny and lanky, very similar to Tyler’s, but his shoulders and muscles were more defined. 

“It seems like I live in it.” Tyler whispered in response.

The boy gave a small laugh and held out his hand to be shaken.

“The name’s Dallon, you must be… Tyler?”

“Yep, that’s me.” He shook Dallon’s hand and smiled back at the boy. There was a certain energy about him that lifted Tyler’s spirits slightly, it made him a little lighter. 

Dallon was about to speak, when Mr. Hurley’s (the coach) booming voice came echoing throughout the room.

“Out on the court, ladies!”

 

***

 

After drying off and changing back into comfortable clothes, Tyler took Dallon’s number, said goodbye, and slid into his car. Tiring himself out to the max cleared his head a bit, so he came to the decision to go to Josh’s house to speak to him. His stomach was still stinging, but he could endure the pain and the uncomfortability a bit longer.  _ For Josh.  _

He made a quick stop to pick up some things and drove the long way to Josh’s small mid-century home. None of the lights in the house were on, so Tyler assumed Josh wasn’t home. The curly boy had mentioned that he preferred coming home at odd times of the night, so Tyler unbuckled his seatbelt and prepared for the wait. 

 

***

 

It was around midnight when Josh exited the grocery store about a block from his house carrying a box of bandages, some numbing spray, a bottle of hair dye, and a crapton of tissues. His right arm was stinging, and if he was careful, the lacerations might get infected. He’d talked back to his very intoxicated father (big mistake), and he paid for it when his dad attacked him with a broken beer bottle, repeatedly. He cursed his own stupidity at the memory and lit a cigarette to calm his frayed nerves. 

As soon as the cigarette touched his lips, a sharp pain in his chest arose and he winced slightly at the suddenness. The pain was a little comforting, but it erupted into anguish and he stopped walking to catch his fleeing breath. He doubled over and coughed slightly, the taste of blood appearing in his mouth. 

He composed himself and opted to light another cigarette, one of the last ones in the box. He was really running low on money, but with everything going on, he didn’t really have it in him to even get up in the morning, nonetheless get a job. He was desperately hungry, as he hadn’t eaten for days, not having the money to buy food. 

He sighed silently as he approached his house before he stopped dead in his tracks. There was a car sitting in his driveway. 

The car suddenly shut off and a hooded figure started approaching him. He rooted himself to his spot and clenched his fists, puffing up his chest and going into full-on defensive mode.

A red-faced and nervous looking Tyler appeared in front of him, a good 3 feet of distance between. The anxious boy spoke quietly.

“I brought Taco Bell.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any predictions? How do you think Josh will react?
> 
> Also, a huge thanks to anyone who left a comment or a kudo on this story. Makes my day every single time.


	9. The Dock

Tyler held his breath, anticipating Josh’s reaction. He’d been hoping that bringing the cheezy gorditas he had in his hands would entice Josh into at least listening to what he had to say. He knew the boy hadn’t eaten lunch for some reason, so maybe some food would lighten the tense mood.  ****  
** **

He wasn’t so lucky.  ****  
** **

Josh pushed past him wordlessly and stalked towards his own somber-looking house. Tyler grabbed his wrist and spun him around smoothly, so the two boys were facing each other. Tyler knew he, physically, couldn’t stop Josh from doing whatever he wanted, but he tightened his hold and looked at the boy. Josh inhaled and tensed, shaking faintly in Tyler’s grip. ****  
** **

“Leave.” Another breath. “I don’t want to see you.” ****  
** **

Tyler’s heart ached at the sight of the other boy’s chin trembling a touch and the distinct redness around his coffee eyes. He dug his fingernails into Josh’s wrist and stood his ground.   ****  
** **

“I know you don’t. It… makes sense. But,  _ please _ , Josh, let me explain. Just come with me, and I’ll tell you everything. You don't even have to say anything, I promise.” ****  
** **

Josh bit his lip and glanced between his house, Tyler, and the gorditas, before speaking again.  ****  
** **

“Fine.”

****

***

****

The car pulled out of the driveway and started the long drive to an undisclosed and faraway location. The radio was off, and the car was silent, other than the soft munching of the food and the ragged breathing shared between the two boys. Josh had slipped his earbuds in and was picking at the skin around his thumbnail.  ****  
** **

Tyler lightly drummed on the steering wheel, trying to calm himself, and attempted to figure out what he wanted to say. He glanced at Josh, who was leaning on the passenger door and looking out of the dark window. Even though the boy wasn’t facing him, Tyler could see the apprehension in his eyes. ****  
** **

Tyler sighed and brought his attention back to the road. 

****

***

****

Josh noticed the familiar roads of Columbus disappear, and an unknown area takes its place around him. The space was covered with trees, and the asphalt roads were replaced with dusty dirt ones. The car slowly came to a stop, after about 15 minutes total, and he exited the car to truly take in the landscape.  ****  
** **

There was a wooden dock standing in a large lake of unmoving and mirror-like water. The lake looked charcoal black in the night and reflected no other light than the beautiful stars and moon hanging in the gorgeous indigo night sky. The Evergreens stood tall, at least 9 feet, and surrounded the lake, except the dirt road they came there on. He could even make out towering mountains looming over the entire landscape. ****  
** **

“Wow… it’s beautiful.” He said before he could stop himself. ****  
** **

Tyler hummed in agreement and slipped off his shoes and dipped his feet into the chilly water. Josh followed suit and enjoyed the general peace and silence that the area stirred in him. ****  
** **

It all died when he remember why they were there. He tensed suddenly against the other boy and Tyler sighed beside him.  ****  
** **

“Joshie—” ****  
** **

“Not with the nickname.” Josh whispered, nostrils flaring.  ****  
** **

Tyler gulped and ran a hand through his hair. ****  
** **

“Okay.” He paused. “Josh, I’m so sorry.” ****  
** **

“ _ Sorry? _ That’s all you have to say for yourself? I shouldn’t have even come here.” ****  
** **

“Josh,  _ wait _ . I feel so stupid because I don’t know what to do, except apologize because—” ****  
** **

“Just, shut up!” Josh suddenly yelled and stood. “Shut up.” He said once more, dramatically covering his ears for good measure. ****  
** **

Tyler’s lips pressed together instantly and he covered them with his hands, tears reaching the brim of his eyes. Josh never let him emotions get the best of him, especially not his anger. ****  
** **

Josh took a deep breath and steadied his racing heartbeat before speaking to Tyler again. ****  
** **

“I trusted you.” He was trying to keep his voice even. “I truly did. I really thought I could. You made me believe that you really wanted to be with me. I don’t know why I believed you. After all this time, you’re still the  _ popular jock  _ who’s going to get with the  _ popular queen _ . I don’t know why I let myself fall for you like this.” His voice cracked near the end and he looked up to the sky and blinked rapidly to chase his tears away. ****  
** **

Tyler stood and placed a hand on Josh’s chest, running it over his very visible ribs through his shirt.  ****  
** **

“I really do like you. I swear to god, as cliche as it sounds, I’ve never felt this way about anyone I’ve ever met. You have no reason… to stay with me after the way that I’ve hurt you, but  _ please  _ let me say my piece before you leave. I won’t be able to live with myself if I let the man I adore the most in this world leave without putting up the best goddamn fight I can.”  ****  
** **

Josh was biting his lower lip and still looking at the sky, commanding his tears not to fall.  ****  
** **

They didn’t listen. ****  
** **

Tyler wiped the tracks from his cheeks, and pulled Josh down into a sitting posture.  ****  
** **

“It was the first day, Tyler.” Josh choked out as soon as they were seated. “The first  _ fucking  _ day we were together. I told you how felt and you said you felt the same. And then the same day you  _ knowingly  _ cheated on me. How am I supposed to feel about that?” ****  
** **

His voice was harsh and unfeeling as he felt the emotions drain from him. Tyler put a hand over his eyes, the way he always did when he was about to break down. But he took a deep breath and spoke, biting back tears with every word. ****  
** **

“How can even I say sorry when I know that my words aren’t enough to undo the ache in your heart I’ve made? And how can I even ask you to forgive me and look past my mistakes when I know I can’t do it myself? It’s unfair. It’s so, so,  _ so,  _ unfair to you. You deserve someone so much better than me, and I hate myself for the fact that I can’t be the one to call you mine. I understand if you don’t want to be with me after this. I really do—” ****  
** **

“Stop.” Josh inhaled slightly. “I want to hate you so much. I want to yell at you and scream at you and turn you away and never see your face again. But I can't.” He scoffed. “I don't know why, but I want to hug you and kiss you and tell you I don't want to lose you. I don’t know what the hell is the matter with me, but all I want is to  _ be with you.  _ I don’t think I can ever fully forgive you, Tyler, because this  _ hurt. _ ” He sighed and chewed on his upper lip. “But why did you do it? You make it seem like you didn’t want to be with her.”   


Tyler buried his head in his hands and spoke slowly. ****  
** **

“I didn’t want it.” ****  
** **

Josh broke his gaze from the water to look at the fidgeting boy beside him.  ****  
** **

“You didn’t- what?” ****  
** **

Tyler was full-on sobbing at this point. ****  
** **

“I didn’t know what to do, she just came onto me. I swear, I tried to say no but the words got stuck in my throat.” He took a long breath. “I don't want her, I just want to be friends with her, but everyone says we’re perfect for each other, and after a while I started to believe them. We kissed once when I was younger, I just felt empty afterwards. I didn’t know why but I just felt so guilty. But then I met you and I realized why it didn’t click with her.” A small smile flickered across his face, but it gone as quickly as it came.  “But, I tried to push her off, but she kept coming, so I thought I couldn't say no because it's what's supposed to happen. But once it was done I felt so  _ disgusting _ , and it felt so wrong. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much it was going to hurt you. It's a sucky-ass excuse but it's all I have.”  He rambled without taking a breath.  ****  
** **

Josh couldn’t find the words to express anything of substance or weight, so he simply bumped Tyler’s shoulder and leaned on the other boy, placing his head on the younger’s shoulder.  ****  
** **

“It’s not your fault, Tyler.” Josh finally whispered. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but, it’s not. You told her to stop. I’m proud of you for telling me, Ty.” He was getting choked up. ****  
** **

Tyler nodded and ran a hand through Josh’s hair, and returned his gaze back to the water. ****  
** **

They simply enjoyed the warmth radiating off each other, resting in silence. 

****

***

****

The two had quieted and silence had fallen between them. Tyler leaned in for a peck on Josh’s lips but he leaned back and pushed Tyler away. He looked down before explaining.  ****  
** **

“I just… need a little bit of time.” ****  
** **

Tyler grimaced but nodded. ****  
** **

“It’s okay.” ****  
** **

A few more seconds silence passed between them.  ****  
** **

“Hey, wanna swim?” Josh asked, upbeately. ****  
** **

Just as Tyler was about to accept, Josh spoke again. ****  
** **

“Ah, shit, actually, my arm is all cut up.” He reached for his pockets. “Could you put the gauze and stuff on for me?” ****  
** **

“Sure.” Tyler replied, remembering his own cuts. ****  
** **

Josh rolled up his sleeve and revealed an array of jagged, torn, bleeding skin.  ****  
** **

“Josh,  _ what happened _ ?” ****  
** **

He hesitated.  ****  
** **

“It’s a long story.”

****

***

****

Once the gauze was on securely, there was quite a bit of extra left over, which Josh pushed aside as he stood. The wood of the dock creaked and swayed under his weight. Josh peeled off his shirt and removed the belt of his khaki shorts. ****  
** **

“Join me?” Josh asked quietly.  ****  
** **

Tyler hesitated and bit his lip.  ****  
** **

“Come on.” Josh encouraged and clasped Tyler’s hand, and tried to support the boy’s weight by placing a hand on the left side of the singer’s hip, while crouching behind him. ****  
** **

Josh unknowingly put his hands directly on his fresh cuts Tyler was trying so desperately and discreetly to hide. He folded in on himself, in pain, and Josh jumped back in shock as if he’d been zapped. ****  
** **

“Tyler, what was that?” He had a wary but strangely knowing look in his eyes.  ****  
** **

“It’s nothing.” He said and peered down at the water. ****  
** **

“You’re a terrible liar.” Josh murmured softly as lifted Tyler’s hoodie and shirt. Tyler didn’t put up much of a fight. ****  
** **

Josh studied the bloody scene of Tyler’s stomach, completely ignoring the blatant hickey, and sighed quietly. He looked unsurprised by the gashes but slightly disappointed. ****  
** **

“Turn around.” His voice was small.  ****  
** **

Tyler complied and let Josh peel off his hoodie and shirt. Josh hummed a Death Cab tune, which Tyler recognized and internally hummed along.

_ “Alone on a train aimlessly wander, Outdated map crumpled in my pocket,”  _ He sang as he unwrapped the messy gauze. He pushed it aside and wiped the blood with his wet undershirt, much to Tyler’s voiced discomfort. Josh hushed him in between lines of song. 

“Sing with me, baby.”

_ “But I didn't care where I was going, They're all different names for the same place,”  _ Tyler reluctantly croaked along as Josh’s smooth voice washed over him.

“ _ Coasts disappear when the sea drowns the sun, I've no words to share with anyone,”  _ Tyler winced and cried out when the water touched his open cuts and pushed closer to Josh’s bare chest from where he was seated between Josh’s open legs.

“Keep going, you’re doing great.” Josh whispered against the shell of his ear.

_ “Boundaries of language quietly curse, All different names for the same thing, There are different names for the same thing.”  _

Josh then spun him around, and kissed every cut and scar across his stomach, side, chest, and shoulder. Tyler had tears running down his face like an overflowing and weathered dam by the time Josh finished with one long kiss to the skin above Tyler’s heart. The curly boy shushed him softly as he sprayed a bit of numbing mist on Tyler’s shaking body, and wrapped it with new bandages.  ****  
** **

Josh brought their foreheads together and spoke, his breath brushing Tyler’s nose. ****  
** **

“ _ Please,  _ promise me you’ll tell me whenever you feel like hurting yourself, okay? Promise me you’ll try and fight it.” ****  
** **

Tyler nodded into Josh’s chest and felt himself being lifted up. ****  
** **

“I think someone owes me a swim.”

****

***

****

Tyler sat comfortably in his sticky, wet t-shirt and didn’t feel cold in the slightest. They were about five minutes from Josh’s house, and they both were soaking wet and bone tired. Josh had passed out and snoring softly into the passenger door, his eyelids fluttering every so often. He had wrapped his torso up like a burrito, using Tyler’s hoodie, and buried his nose in the soft fabric. Tyler didn’t blame him, they’d swam and dove and watched the moon travel across the sky together, and the time had hit 2 o’clock not that long ago.  ****  
** **

It had been a long day. ****  
** **

Tyler pulled up silently at the end of Josh’s driveway. He brushed his finger from the cheekbone to the bottom of the curly boy’s chin, and his eyes opened. He was still very much asleep, as his eyelids started to press together again. Tyler repeated the motion again, and his eyes opened, so Tyler took this time to speak to him. ****  
** **

“Do you want to go home?” ****  
** **

Josh hummed but his eyebrows knitted together. He sighed minutely, and his eyes were unfocused and glazed over. It occurred to Tyler that perhaps he was still in a deep sleep even though his eyes were open. He tried again anyway, overly enunciating every word. ****  
** **

“Josh, we’re at your house. Wanna go in?” ****  
** **

Josh’s eyes filled with an indescribable mix of emotions when he started speaking, sleepily. ****  
** **

“No, please... don’ make me, Ty. Please.” ****  
** **

His voice was trembling but his eyes slipped shut and he was snoring again.  ****  
** **

A pang of pity struck Tyler’s chest at Josh’s words, but he was still unsure of why the boy was so scared of his own home. He’d have to ask him about it.  ****  
** **

Tyler reversed out the driveway.

****

***

****

Tyler couldn’t lift a sleeping Josh if he tried, so he gently woke him, and led the still drowsy and disoriented boy towards his own more welcoming home. He slipped the keys inside the lock, and walked slowly up the stairs, carefully guiding Josh’s feet and slipped into his room. Zack had moved into the basement last year, so Tyler had the room with the king mattress all to himself. He sat Josh on the edge of the bed and removed his shoes and socks and laid them aside. He pulled off Josh’s shirt off him and his snapback, noting the bruises and cuts on his chest he hadn’t seen when they were swimming in the inky lake. The drummer’s shorts were dry enough, so he decided to leave them on him. He shut off the lamp and bunched up all of Josh’s clothes.  ****  
** **

“Wait there.” He whispered gently to the heavy-eyed boy. ****  
** **

He threw the damp clothes in the hamper, and trudged downstairs, snatching two bottles of water. As he was about to head up the stairs, he saw he mother walking down them.  ****  
** **

He moved to get out of her way, but she stopped him and directed him to sit at the kitchen island.  ****  
** **

“I didn’t here you come in, Tyler.” Her voice wasn’t angry. It calmed Tyler a bit, so he felt a bit brave in answering. ****  
** **

“Yeah, I just came in about 15 minutes ago. I have a friend over, I don’t think you know him. His name is Josh.” ****  
** **

She smiled slightly but changed the subject anyway.  ****  
** **

“Well, you applied early decision to Ohio State.” Tyler nodded so she continued. “The sent a letter today, but your father and I already read it. They gave you a full ride on a basketball scholarship, Tyler.” She didn’t sound as excited as she was trying to be, she simply sounded tired. ****  
** **

Tyler smiled but looked down. ****  
** **

“Okay.” ****  
** **

“I thought you’d be happier, sweetie.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, I mean, I am. But, uh… nevermind.” ****  
** **

“Alright. Tyler, one more thing.” Tyler sat up straight, but kept his eyes on the ground. “Are you okay? Are- is it getting bad again? You haven’t been acting like yourself, you’ve been withdrawing, and you spend quite a bit of time in your room. We could get you back into therapy again, if you’d like.”   


“I’m fine, mom. Ups and downs, but I’ll be back in no time, don't worry about it.” He lied. ****  
** **

He stood and pecked her on her forehead, and waved goodbye before grabbing the bottles of water and heading up to his room.  ****  
** **

He closed the door quietly and turned only to chuckle at the sight of Josh, out-cold, cuddled up with a pillow on the bed. He placed the bottles on his nightstand, and replaced his drenched clothes with drier shorts. ****  
** **

He laid down on the mattress preparing for sleep to take him, before he felt the bed shift as Josh’s scarred arm draped over him. He felt Josh’s bare chest flatten again his equally bare back and leaned into the touch.  ****  
** **

He dozed off, breathing in the soft scent of Josh’s fruity shampoo. 

 


	10. Spotless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of fluff for the next couple chapters. Just wanted them to be happy n cute n stuff.

Josh was in heaven. Or, at least he thought he was. 

He was snuggled up against something, floating somewhere, without a care in the world. 

Everything was blissfully perfect. 

Something was stroking his hair, scratching it gently. He purred and snuggled closer to the soothing source tangling its thin fingers in his locks. It giggled and tapped his cheek, speaking to him. The sound was distorted and distant, echoing off of the walls, almost like they were gurgling underwater. He huffed and hugged the thing closer, even though it was shaking with laughter.

“Josh! Josh, wake up.”

His eyes flitted open at the sound of his name being spoken. He was met with Tyler, sporting a broad smile, displaying all of his charmingly crooked teeth, with his hair sticking up every which way. He jumped back in surprise, his knee colliding with the side railing of the wooden bedframe. 

“Ow.” He rolled over, and stuffed his face into the soft material of the pillow, blushing so pink of embarrassment that his face matched his glossy hair. 

Tyler smacked Josh’s ass as he got up.

“Get up. We’ve got stuff to do, babe.”

Josh huffed, sticking out his tongue and receiving a chuckle from Tyler in response, and glanced at his phone. It was 11:30 on a Friday glum morning, rain tapping the glass window in steady rhythm, resembling the sharp rolling of a tuned snare drum. Josh flipped onto his back and grinned from ear to ear, he was skipping school with the man he loved the most. 

It was going to be a good day for once.

 

***

 

Tyler emerged from the bathroom with nothing more than a low hanging gray towel bunched up around his waist. Josh’s tongue almost fell out of his mouth as Tyler finished brushing his teeth and nonchalantly waltzed around the room, looking for a suitable outfit to wear. Josh tried not to fluster as he noticed Tyler’s defined v-lines slightly above where the towel ended, but his cheeks heated up anyway when his brain decided to imagine where the v-lines would lead to—  _ God, it’s too early for this. _

“Are you okay, man?” Tyler asked with a seductive smirk on his face. Needless to say, he knew Josh was staring, and he wasn’t going to let him get away with it. 

Josh gulped and stumbled over his words, trying to come up with an reasonable excuse.

Tyler brought a finger to Josh’s lips, silencing him immediately, and pushed Josh’s chest lightly, causing him to fall flat against the springy mattress, rebounding slightly. Tyler peeled off his towel and tossed it elsewhere on the bed, revealing a pair of plain checkered boxers, before straddling him. Josh almost whined in disappointment, but was quickly cut off by Tyler’s soft lips on his. 

He was conflicted. Should he kiss Tyler back? To be honest, he hadn’t completely forgiven Tyler for the incident with Jenna, so—  _ ah, fuck it.  _

Josh kissed back with more intensity, taking Tyler by surprise, and gripped the swell of his ass. Josh licked Tyler’s bottom lip, and when his tongue slipped past the younger’s teeth, a low moan came from Tyler’s chest. The sound only spurred Josh on, and he pulled the singer closer, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip and nibbling a bit, pulling back. Tyler knotted his fingers into Josh’s hair and giggled, wiggling his ass a bit from where it was on Josh’s knee. Josh groaned low in his throat as he felt Tyler slowly began grinding into his thigh, and moving upwards towards his aching crotch. Tyler gave one last long kiss to Josh’s lips, before dismounting and heading towards the door. He quickly turned to face a very red-faced, messy haired, swollen-lipped, turned-on Josh.

“Take a shower, I’m making breakfast.” He said happily and exited the room.

Josh groaned out of frustration, trying to ignore the fact that he was already half-hard, but it didn’t work so he grabbed a towel from the linen closet and entered the bathroom. 

 

***

 

The sweet smell of pancakes wafted into Josh’s nostrils as he exited the large, overly-scrubbed shower. He spotted a shimmering but blood-dusted razor lying inside a drawer, and snatched it stealthily, after much silent deliberation. The dried blood was crusted on the edges, and the sides were covered with oily and frantic fingerprints. He exited the restroom with the razor still in hand. 

He spotted a freshly folded pair of gray sweats and a white tank top laying on Tyler’s furry comforter. The room was eerily clean, so much so that it appeared unlived in. Not a single speck of dust adorned any surface, and the hardwood floors were polished and reflective to a disturbing degree. The bed had been so methodically made that it resembled pictures placed in home design magazines, with its complementary colors and perfect creasing in the right spots. Every paper was either in a tidy stack or in a corresponding folder. It unnerved Josh. It looked as though Tyler was doing the upkeep of the room, but none of the purposeful over-cleanliness resembled his personality. Josh felt as if his presence alone tainted the sterility of the space. He had to get out of there.

There was a seemingly out of place notebook laying on top of Tyler’s bedside drawer. Josh recognized it as the same notebook the boy often wrote in at lunch and in between classes. Tyler had never told him what was in the notebook, except for the fact that the cover displayed “ideas,” in big, bold letters. Josh quickly peeked over his shoulder, checking for any approaching footsteps, and opened the book. 

The majority of the lines on the first page were crossed out, but a few words showed in between the chaotic ink streaks covering the page. Later on, there were jubilant chords lining up with certain words, no,  _ lyrics,  _ forming tens of unfinished songs. Although the instrumentals in the songs were very cheerful, the lyrics themselves held an undeniable underlying feeling of melancholy and solitude.  There were barely any pages left, and many lyrics were crammed into the margins, blocking out almost the entirety the white of the paper. Josh immediately shut the notebook and put it back where it was before. The lyrics, the songs, everything just felt too personal for just a pair of casually peeping eyes. He couldn’t help but still be curious though as to the remaining contents of the notebook, as the songs felt so genuine and knowing, and almost like Tyler was speaking directly to him.  His heart fluttered a bit and he was overcome with a certain adoration for the man, who he could call his own. Well, only when no one else was around.

He pulled on the pants and pocketed the razor before glancing at the tank. He scanned his pale chest, and cursed himself now knowing that, without a doubt, Tyler had seen the bluish angry bruises gracing the bony surface of his chest and ribs. He removed the wet gauze on his now scarred right arm, but chose to remain shirtless. He took a seat on the soft king-sized bed to collect himself before heading to go eat. 

The thought of what had happened with the other boy before he’d taken his shower crossed his mind and he felt his boxers tighten. 

Jesus, the things this boy did to him.

 

***

 

Tyler was furiously frying pancakes, trying to distract himself from the events the morning. He couldn’t believe he had done something so stupid. 

He followed his instincts and teased Josh, but, God, the boy probably hated him at this point. It was too soon. Especially with the whole Jenna situation. 

He’d snuck upstairs earlier to pull on some sweats and a baggy t-shirt, and left some freshly-dried clothes out for Josh. He sighed and placed another pancake on a plate when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. 

He glanced up to see a very disheveled but more awake Josh. His hair had grown a bit, Tyler noticed, making the roots of his curls, a dark brown, contrast the bright bubblegum pink of his hair. Tyler found himself enjoying the look a bit more than usual. Josh smiled brightly, eyes crinkling in time with the movement of his lips, and walked over to the large kitchen island. 

“Good morning, kitten.” Tyler blushed a bit at the nickname, but replied quietly.

“Good morning.” He breathed as he placed a plate of pancakes between them.

Josh had a stupid grin on his face as he watched Tyler move quickly around the spacious kitchen, and Tyler had to monitor his breathing to make sure he didn’t die from the apparent heat in his face. Josh patted the chair next to him, warmly inviting Tyler to sit next to him. Tyler joined him after grabbing two forks and a container of maple syrup. 

Josh sliced a triangle of the pancakes and smeared it in syrup before holding the fork out for Tyler to eat off of. Tyler gaped a bit before hesitantly taking an slow bite of the food that Josh held out for him. Josh went to grab his own piece, but Tyler smacked his hand away (much to Josh’s surprise, based on his expression) and held out the piece for Josh to bite. 

Josh wrapped his rosy lips around the food, and moaned quietly in his chest. 

“Oh, Ty.”

The sound made all the blood in Tyler’s head drain and go straight to his dick, much to his obvious protest. He shifted uncomfortably, while trying to calm himself with deep breaths, but judging by the look on the other boy’s face, he hadn’t done a great job. 

In the end though, Tyler ended up seated on Josh’s lap, with one feeding the other and chuckling into syrupy kisses. 

They spent all morning like that.

 

***

 

It was past noon now and the boys were spooning tightly on Tyler’s bed, watching funny cat videos off of Josh’s phone. Tyler didn’t find the videos  _ too  _ entertaining, but feeling the rumble of Josh chest against him when he laughed made all of it worth it. 

Tyler excused himself to the restroom after about an hour, mostly to stretch his legs and wash his face. He glanced at the counter, half-expecting his razor to be there, only to find that it was missing. He checked again before studying the floor, and flipping the room upside down searching for his blade. It was nowhere to be found. Panic was blossoming in his chest, like a young spring flower, and he realized the only somewhat logical explanation was that someone else had it.

Who? He didn’t know.

 

***

 

Josh had moved from the bed to the desk chair once Tyler left to use the bathroom, and fished out the razor from his pocket. He had to get rid of it, right? Tyler clearly wasn’t in the best state of mind yesterday, and Josh couldn’t promise that he could always protect Tyler from himself. He wanted to, without a doubt, but unless he glued himself to Tyler’s back, there was no way he could make sure Tyler was safe at all times. 

Tyler exited the bathroom looking a bit red in face and worried before flashing Josh a small smile. He couldn’t reciprocate and spoke softly, voice cracking a bit from either disuse or the subject matter.

“Tyler, we need to talk.”

Tyler froze, rooted to the smooth hardwood, and spun at a snail’s pace to face Josh, who couldn’t meet his gaze.

“ _ What? _ ”

“We need to talk.” He whipped the crusty razor out of his palm and bared its metallic face towards Tyler. The boy’s breath caught in his throat and fear and panic overtook his otherwise tranquil pupils, which dilated a bit.

“Josh, look, I—”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His tone conveyed more disappointment and frustration than any other apparent or appropriate emotion. 

“Oh,” Tyler didn’t look afraid anymore, he sounded pissed as all hell. It seemed almost as if a switch had been flipped. “So,  _ I’m  _ the only who keeps secrets, right?” Sarcasm was dripping off of his every word. 

Josh felt shock and terror cloud his thoughts before they were replaced with the familiarity of emotionlessness. He took a breath and reminded himself that Tyler didn’t know anything Josh didn’t wanted him to.

“Well,  _ I’m  _ not the one who swore to not keep any secrets.”

“You did too!” Tyler exclaimed, exasperated.

“I didn’t.” Josh now said quietly. “I promised to  _ try my best to _ .”

Tyler’s eyes flashed hurt, then were superseded by a trademark look devoid of emotion. 

“Is it that you don’t trust me?” His voice trembled. “What is so bad that you can’t tell me?”

“You haven’t really given me many reasons to trust you. You know, with you  _ cheating  _ on me in the first day of our—”

“Are you seriously not going to let that go?” Tyler groaned. 

“No, I’m not.” Josh stood. “You know why? Because it hurt, Tyler. Because I walked into school feeling great, ready to spend the day with the man I care about the most, and walked out feeling betrayed with a knife in my heart.” He snorted. “You really had me fooled, Ty, because now I don’t know how I should feel about you anymore.”

“We wouldn’t have so many problems if you weren’t so secretive.” Tyler spat.

“We wouldn’t have so many problems if you weren’t so damn impulsive.” Josh fumed, getting into Tyler’s face.

“Guess what, Josh?” He responded flatly. “You aren’t my knight in shining armor, and I don’t why you’re so controlling with what I do with my life. I’m just as mature as you so I don't need you dictating what I do with my life.”

“So, me telling you not to hurt yourself is immature and controlling? I had  _ no idea. _ ”

Tyler paused. He no longer looked angry and confrontational. Instead, it looked like something had crossed his mind and taken his will to fight and argue with it. In a flash, he seemed to be weak, almost submissive, as if a groundbreaking realization had dawned on him.

“You’re not as strong as you’re trying to be.” He whispered, voice cracking like radio static. 

“What are you talking about?” Josh huffed just as quietly, feeling the irritation clear out of him as well. 

Tyler raised his fist and hardly swung, fist barely scratching the drummer’s jaw, and watched sadly as the boy flinched back so far that he ended up with his back against the wall. 

The drummer’s neck went slack and his head drooped and his scarred arms went to his throat, as air started escaping his lungs too quickly. He scanned as a blurry figure crossed the 4 feet between them, and placed a gentle hand on his cheek. He squeezed his eyes shut and prepared for the incoming agony. 

But it never came. Nor did the forceful touches, the sound of unbuckling belts, or the feeling of sharp glass or the sharpness of bones crushing.

Instead, there was a rough, teary voice coaxing him into a state of relaxation. A warm forehead pressed up against his own and chapped lips pecked his.

“Breathe, baby.” The voice murmured.

Josh took a deep breath, after several attempts, and a wet-faced Tyler appeared in front of him. His breathing was still uncontrolled and his heart was still racing, so Tyler wrestled the razor from his clammy grip and led him to the bathroom. He grabbed a washcloth and ran it under freezing water before placing it around Josh’s neck and pecking him on the lips. 

Slowly, everything came into view. 

“Are you back with me?” 

Josh nodded and bowed his head.

Tyler picked up the razor and walked over to the toilet. He inhaled sharply before dropping the razor in, with a small plop, and flushing it. 

Josh watched in awe as Tyler made his way back over to him and embraced him, kissing his neck affectionately. 

“You were right. You’re right about everything. I should’ve told you J, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Josh croaked. 

“You wanna tell me why you freaked out just now?”

The drummer shook his head slightly as a sob cracked in his dry throat.

“What about the bruises you have all of the time?”

The same response came from Josh.

“Are the two related?” Tyler asked tentatively, lowering his voice a bit. 

Josh nodded cautiously and coughed at the impatient thoughts that raced clumsily into mind, stealing away his breath yet again. 

Tyler hushed him and led the boy back into the bedroom, sitting him back on the bed. He laid him down and tucked him in, knowing full well that the panic had tired him out. 

“Go to bed, we’ll talk more later.” Were the last words he heard before his eyes fluttered shut.

 

***

 

Josh woke up to a dark room, with his bright phone displaying a time of around 3 o’clock in the morning. He’d been out for a while. He groaned and rolled over, feeling a sharp pain in his chest. Dry coughs tumbled out of his throat and he whined at the shooting cramps. He massaged his neck and pounded his chest, trying to get rid of the ever-building phlegm building there. Something was happening to his body. It seemed like something was attacking it and neither him nor his immune system could fight back. He would cough nonstop, experience unbearable chest pain, all of his breaths were wheezes, and he was losing weight like nobody’s business.  

He created a small memo on his phone to stop by his doctor’s office for these “issues,” and rolled over again will a small groan. He saw a deeply asleep Tyler, laying on his back with small drops of drool slightly below his lower lip. He smiled and felt his heart speed up at the sight, and pecked his forehead. The boy smelled a bit of sweat, and Josh noted that he was wearing sneakers even though he was cuddled up in bed.  _ Ah, basketball practice.  _ He slid out of the bed after removing the other boy’s shoes and setting them aside, and tucked Tyler in again before grabbing a pen and a sticky note.

_ hey, thanks for everything. sorry I have to leave like this but I have some business to take care of. I’ll miss u, text me when u wake up -J _

He stuck the note to Tyler’s desk and pushed in the netting of the window. 

He slid out of the window quietly with a heavy heart and began the trek to his own home.

 


	11. There's Always Prom

Tyler never texted him. 

It was a dumb and unjustified decision he chose to make, but he was truthfully fed up Josh’s neverending secrets. He had woken up to an empty bed and an even emptier heart when he read the lazily written excuse Josh had used to leave in the middle of the night. He had planned to spend the whole day with him, but his ideas burned up once the boy left and didn’t return.

It was Monday, 2 days later, and his anger had barely subsided. 

He purposely arrived at school unusually early to avoid running into Josh, mainly because his control over his slow building anger was inevitably disappearing. He hung out casually by the brick walls surrounding the main entrance to the school, pretending to be occupied with his phone and leaning on the wall, and listening to the pointless small talk between other students. Eventually finding himself incredibly bored, he opened up his messages. 

_ Tyler: u here? _

The response came instantly.

_ Dal: mhm where u at _

_ Tyler: the front door _

_ Dal: one sec _

Barely a couple of minutes later, Dallon walked up to Tyler, smiling extremely widely. 

“Hey, man.” He said as he gave Tyler a quick hug.

“Hey. What’s up?” 

“Nothing much. Dude, have you heard back from state Uni yet?”

Tyler paused a bit.

“Yeah, full ride.” He said grimacing slightly.

“Really? I’m happy for you!” He saw Tyler’s expression and winced a bit. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure if I want to go yet.”

Dallon went silent.

Tyler lowered his gaze and exhaled quietly to himself. A lump formed in his throat when he realized that should’ve known that people would be upset with him for making such a dumb and irrational decision. He was so ungrateful, it was frankly disgusting. There was a light punch to his chest, knocking him out of destructive thoughts, and Dallon’s warm voice filling his ears.

“Oh, that’s so cool, man! Are you doing the music thing instead?”

Tyler, still unsure, peeked up to see Dallon grinning widely, and couldn’t help but smile back and nod. 

“Wow, dude.” Dallon said with a small gleam in his eye. “You’ve got some serious guts. Have you told the folks yet?”

“Not yet. I’m pretty sure the old man won’t take it well. But for now, I’ll go to practice as usual.”

Dallon placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and frowned a bit in pity. 

“It’s okay man, things will work themselves out. I’m not gonna tell you to follow your heart or something stupid, but think about it before you make a decision. Don’t go to college if you’re just going to end up in a dead-end job wishing you were dead, but don’t be too naive if you chose not to go, okay? If I’m being completely honest, I wish I could be like you and follow my own dreams in music. But until then, good luck.”

Tyler gave a small smile in response, feeling his mood lift a bit. The shrill bell echoed over the front lawn of the school, signaling the final warning for people to get to class, and students started pouring through the double doors. 

“Alright, I’ll see you man.” They shared a small fist bump, before Tyler headed inside to his first period class.

 

***

 

As Tyler approached Mr. Way’s classroom, he heard a recognizable voice behind him. 

“Tyler. We need to speak.”

He turned around only to be greeted a very worried but irate familiar face.

“Principal Iero, to what do I owe the pleasure?” He said somewhat sarcastically. He knew what direction the conversation was headed in and all it did was anger him and bring back unwanted memories.

“This is serious.” He barked. “I have received word from the lunch monitor that you assaulted another student on Thursday and then fled the school building.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Tyler confirmed. “But I just didn’t punch him for no reason.”

He explained the whole altercation to a surprisingly attentive Mr. Iero, and what led him to lay his hands on Alex, excluding Josh as much as he could. 

“Well,” The principal sighed. “That’s quite the predicament.”

“Yeah.”

“Look, Tyler, you still did punch a student.” He ran a hand through his long, black hair. “But, I’ll let off with a warning, knowing how good of a kid you are.” He turned to walk away and spoke, still not facing Tyler. “Don’t screw up again.”

Tyler shivered a little at the harsh tone and walked inside the classroom. 

Alex was sitting in his desk adjacent to Tyler’s, and his lengthy brown hair was an absolute mess. He had a hasty-looking bandage placed around the large bruise on his jaw. Tyler locked eyes with the boy and felt his body begin to quake with rage. He clenched his jaw and stalked up to his seat. The tension and in the air was tangible and seemed to fill the entire room, getting the attention of several students. 

“Boys, behave yourselves.” Mr. Way’s thunderous voice reached Tyler’s ears. 

Tyler took his seat mere inches away from the boy who had ruined his life (technically, he’d done it himself but he needed someone else to blame) and shot him an indignant look before directing his attention back to the front of the room. 

The bell rung and usual daily lecture began. Tyler, for what felt like the first time that year, was paying attention and scribbling notes accordingly with the lesson. The English teacher was mid-sentence and halfway through his lecture when a student barged into the relatively silent classroom. 

“Ah, Josh, it’s great for you to finally join us.”

“Uh, yeah. Doctor’s appointment.” He said as he handed the teacher a blue slip. Mr. Way nodded and continued his lengthy speech about the parts of a sentence.

Once the boy found his seat, he shot him a wide smile and Tyler averted his eyes, and pretended he didn’t see the hurt look on the other boy’s face. 

 

***

 

When lunch inevitably rolled around, Tyler was confronted with a peculiar decision. No part of him wanted to sit remotely near Alex and the people who had taken his side, but he knew practically nobody else. Though he was ‘popular,’ he knew very few people outside his circle of fellow athletic peers.

Reluctantly, he entered the cafeteria and deliberately walked slowly past his old table. He could feel everyone’s eyes burning a hole in his back, but he brushed them off and continued moving. He approached an empty and unfamiliar table at the back of the lunchroom and took a seat. The boy sitting across from him looked up from his sketchbook and paled quickly.

“Tyler?” Josh quickly glanced around the two. “What are you doing here?”

Tyler didn’t respond and reached behind himself to pull his lunch from his backpack. 

“Do you just want to damage your reputation or something?” Josh huffed and looked at him expectantly, as if looking to get a rise out of him. When Tyler didn’t react and continued picking at his sandwich, Josh looked back down at his sketchbook. 

“Okay, be like that if you want.” Josh didn’t sound angry, just confused. 

Minutes of silence passed, aside from the loud chatter of a hundred other students before Tyler spoke.

“I just wanted to sit with you, babe.”

Josh’s eyes shot up from the page and locked on Tyler, something akin to admiration swimming in them. There, Tyler found the courage to speak again. 

“Why were you at the doctor’s?”

Josh unzipped his jacket lifted up his bubblegum t-shirt to reveal brace and a neon green cast.

“Fractured a rib.” He explained prior to lowering his shirt and looking back at the paper nonchalantly.

“What?  _ How? _ ”

“If I’m being honest,” He chuckled. “I don’t really know.” He deadpanned. There was a small undertone of nervousness in his low voice, aside the emotionlessness. 

Tyler knew Josh was lying. He could tell just by the tone in his voice. Hell, Tyler could  _ smell  _ him lying from a mile away. These things, these  _ secrets,  _ Josh was intentionally keeping from him for God-knows-what reason only made Tyler want to know  _ more _ .  Tyler was about to confront the drummer about it when he heard a deep voice speaking to him.

“Hey, Tyler.” Brendon croaked. 

“What the hell do you want?” He growled, barely moving from his position facing Josh. Hearing Tyler’s tone, Josh’s lips sewed together and he looked back down at his drawing, probably sneakily eavesdropping on the conversation.

“I just want to apologize. For not stepping in the other day.” He walked forward, stopping directly behind Tyler. “If I’m being honest, I was scared. You know what Alex would’ve done if I tried to stop him.” His voice cracked. “Sarah broke up with me. Said I was a pussy for not joining the fight.”

Tyler’s expression softened and pity filled his chest. He truly couldn’t bring himself be upset with Brendon, for the two had been best friends since forever, and he truly cared the boy standing across from him. 

“It’s okay man, sit down.”

Brendon took his seat next to a very uncomfortable looking Josh, before whispering something in the curly boy’s ear. They both broke out laughing and doubled over, still cackling widely.

“What’s so funny, guys?”

“Yeah, fill me in.” Yet, another voice asked from behind the group. 

“Hey, Dallon! I didn’t know you had this lunch.”

“Yeah, schedule change.” He said as he took a seat beside Brendon who passed the joke onto him. The three began laughing again, and Tyler scoffed, finally finding his appetite. 

 

***

 

Light conversation sparked between them once Josh showed handed Tyler his sketchbook, after much persuasion. It was filled will colorful and peculiar drawings, ranging from faces, to inanimate objects, to symbols, and even things he wanted to get tattooed on his body when he was old enough. 

“Wow.” The group whispered, and Josh hid his face in his hands, blushing profusely. 

Today, the boy had drawn an awfully realistic pair of drumsticks, placed atop a steely snare drum. He explained that he’d wanted to buy new sticks for a while, after he’d broken his old ones, but never got to it because the heads on his snare and toms were busted. 

“It’s not like you’d be able to play anyway, with your fractured rib.” Brendon commented.

“How did you break it anyway? I saw you, like, two days ago.” Tyler asked, suspiciously, giving Josh one last chance to confess. 

“Uh,” He scratched the back of his neck. “Like, I said, I’m not really sure.” 

He gave Tyler a strangely venomous look that sent shivers down his spine and made him drop it.

 

***

 

The lunch was almost over and much laughter filled the air, but all quickly went silent and Josh tensed and looked away. Tyler turned to look at the source that had soured the mood and bit his lip.

“Hello, Jenna.” He saw Josh get up to leave out of the corner of his eye, but he grasped the other boy’s arm and held him place, without turning around. 

“Hey, Ty! So… homecoming is next week, you know the one we planned,” She looked a bit smug. He felt Josh wince in his grip and rubbed small circles on his forearm. “You’re going, right? Maybe we could go together?” 

Even though the statement required Tyler’s confirmation, it almost seemed as if it wasn’t a question. He squeezed the arm of the boy sitting across him and then retracted his hand. 

“I’m not going to homecoming, Jenna.”

“But—”

“ _ I’m not going.”  _

Jenna looked hurt, and Tyler temporarily thought of simply taking it back and going with her, but then he remembered the pink hair belonging to the sweetest person he had ever known. 

“Okay,” She sighed. “Well, there’s always prom.” She quickly brightened up and smiled at him. “Bye, Tyler!” She gave a quick peck on the cheek, and as much as Tyler tried to avoid it, he was too late. 

Once she left, Tyler exhaled quietly and turned to face his friends only to be met with a very nervous Josh with glossed eyes, and shocked expression shared by Brendon and Dallon. 

The bell rung and Tyler held out his hand for Josh to fill, to help him up. He slung his arm around the curly boy’s shoulder as a friendly gesture and watched as his stunned expression was replaced by an overjoyed one. 

Tyler walked through the hallways like that ignoring the enraged looks his former friends gave him. 

Tyler supposed they figured the two had grown closer since they were stuck together, but how would they react once they found out they were dating? 

That was another problem for another less joyful day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my least favorite chapter, and I had a fight with myself over releasing it or not. I decided to, because there is a time skip in the next chapter, and I had to clear up some stuff. So consider this like a 'transition.'
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


	12. December 1st: Part One

It had been many weeks since the four boys had become friends, and their closeness was truly something admirable. They clicked in some weird way and they acted like they'd known each other for forever.  
  
Josh's and Tyler's relationship had been extremely stable and the two spent so much time together that the Joseph family barely batted an eye when they spotted the curly boy's vans by the front door.  
  
Homecoming had come and gone and the weather had gradually turned chilly, frosting up school windows and decorating them with brittle icicle designs. Flurries often fell from the grayish and somber sky, covering the grounds and roofs with a light white blanket. Stratus clouds blocked the dim sun, and extinguished any light coming from the stars.  
  
Tyler had never been happier.  
  
Over the past month, smiles had barely left his face and he was doing better than ever. There were still bad days though. Days where the will to get out of bed was nonexistent, and any recognizable emotion had vanished from his brain. Those days he felt numb, but those days were slowly becoming few and far in between.  ****  
** **

In short, he was making progress. ****  
** **

He had no idea what was causing this sudden breakthrough though. Maybe it was the new people he hung out with, or the fact that new lyrics were always waiting to be written down, or maybe even the fact his basketball team was on an unbreakable winning streak.  
  
Things were great for once.

  
***

  
It was the week of December 1st.  
  
During the week, his friends wouldn't stop teasing him about the fact that he was finally 'growing up.' Being the youngest one in the group, he was often treated as the baby, as if they were one big family. He rolled his eyes and scoffed when Brendon and Dallon made fun of him and Josh guffawed, but he secretly loved it. It made him feel as if they were a unit, and sort of like he was wanted. It was confusing.

Though he was making emotional and mental progress, barely he anything he felt made sense anymore.  
  
He still felt the Thanksgiving turkey in his stomach somewhere and the food was having a paralyzing effect on him. He barely felt like moving. The Joseph’s had hosted a huge family gathering, inviting tens of family members, some that Tyler had last seen when he was five or so. All of the laughter and had happiness rubbed off on him a bit, and he found himself chuckling along with the lighthearted conversation of the table. There was a bit weight in his heart, as if there was something pulling it down. Almost as if there was a hole in it or something. He ignored it though, hoping it was temporary, and chose to indulge himself in the presence of his family.  
  
He went to bed with a mad grin on his face. It was the day before his birthday, and he hadn't been excited like this in a long time. Everything was perfect.

***

  
He woke up feeling like he'd been run over by a truck.  
  
A painful migraine woke him 2 hours before he'd wanted to get up, the splintering pain ripping him from his dreamless sleep and pulling him into an unwanted reality. He somehow found the energy to take a painkiller and crawl back into bed.  
  
The medicine barely helped, it only dulled the pain a bit here and there. He groaned as rolled over, the wool blanket wrapped around him quickly started irritating his skin, surely reddening and blistering the tender areas it touched. His senses were overworking, picking up and amplifying all stimuli. His brain was rattling with useless information, making it seem like alarm bells were going off all over his body.  ****  
** **

Tyler took a risk and glanced at his phone, groaning as his headache intensified at the bright light. It was 4 o'clock in the morning, and indeed December 1st. ****  
** **

This wasn't exactly the birthday he had been dreaming of.  ****  
** **

He rolled back over, further irritating his skin, and sighed. He cursed himself for ignoring the obvious signs of an oncoming depressive episode, alternatively choosing to enjoy the short-lived moments of happiness. The emptiness he’d felt a couple of days back had now settled into a void, consuming his chest and clawing its way up his throat.  ****  
** **

Tyler needed a release.  ****  
** **

His arms itched and his fingers twitched for the comforting steel of a blade, but he took a deep breath and wisely put that thought out of his head, trying to distract himself. His eyes flicked to the phone laying on his bedside table, but he frowned and internally shook his head. Josh was surely busy right now. Not sleeping, for the boy slept about the same amount Tyler did, but doing whatever it is he did that he didn't tell Tyler about.  ****  
** **

His gaze then wandered to his notebook and keyboard, tucked away in the farthest corner of his room. He truly wanted to move and get up or just do something other than lie and wallow in his own tears and misery.  ****  
** **

He couldn't do this.  ****  
** **

He really tried. He was getting so much better, he really was. But it all came crashing down in an instant. It felt like all the work he'd put in over the last two months was useless, and he was back to square one.  ****  
** **

All of the tiredness morphed into unbearable guilt when he realized all of the work his family and his friends had put in was wasted as well.  ****  
** **

His ear-piercing alarm went off and he sighed to himself. ****  
** **

It was time to start the day.

  
  
***

  
Tyler walked into English a couple minutes before the bell rang and relaxed into his assigned seat. They were changing seats after the upcoming Christmas break (halfway through the year) and he honestly couldn't wait to not have to sit next to Alex any longer.  
  
He rubbed his temples in a poor attempt to sooth the incessant pounding still attacking his skull. He placed his head on the cheap laminate of his desk, savoring the temporary relief it brought the burning in his forehead.  
  
Suddenly there were strong arms wrapping around his waist from behind and lifting him up from his seat, and he let out involuntary squeak in surprise. They lowered him slowly and gently, as if they were too rough he would shatter like brittle glass. His feet were now on the ground and there were scarred arms around his torso and a nose in the crook of his neck.  
  
"Happy birthday, baby." A warm voice whispered quietly, its breath tickling the shell of his ear.  
  
A small smile crossed his face for the first time that day and Tyler turned to face the boy, breaking out of his grip. In the eyes of everyone else, they were supposed to be only friends. He quickly scanned the room, meeting no one else’s eyes but a very disgusted-looking Alex. He huffed and brought his attention back to the boy in front of him.  
  
"Josh- woah," Tyler ran his hands through Josh's messy curls. "Your hair!" He exclaimed. 

Josh smiled widely and pointed at his hair, now a vibrant, electric blue.

"Yeah, well, you mentioned you liked the color so- you know?"  
  
"I love it, Josh. It suits you." Tyler felt his cheeks start to hurt from smiling so hard. His migraine was long forgotten and the weight on his chest lifted a bit. 

"Boys, to your seats." Mr. Way chided softly with a smile playing on his lips as he rose from his desk and walked up to the podium. 

Maybe today wasn't going to be so bad.

 

***

  
  
The four boys were seated comfortably at their empty lunch table, laughing loudly and annoyingly at stupid and uncalled for jokes.  ****  
** **

Tyler laid his head on Josh's shoulder, still chuckling along with the quiet conversation here and there. He was drained, and his energy was gone. He felt a general sense of peace, but he knew it was only the calm before the storm. He didn't care though, he wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Josh adjusted their position a bit, obviously trying to make the gesture more platonic, as Tyler’s eyes slid shut. The drummer didn’t ask questions, and simply hummed nonsense notes into Tyler’s body, massaging his scalp through his hair.  ****  
** **

Tyler was so close to being lulled to sleep, when he heard Josh’s breath catch in his throat and his heartbeat speed up. He reluctantly opened his eyes and sat up when he felt Josh stand, and the table rock with the movement of the other two boys.  ****  
** **

Alex was standing adjacent to the table, sporting the same appalled look from earlier. Josh stood closest to him, chest puffed and eyes like iron, clearly trying to shield Tyler. Dallon and Brendon stood on the other side of the table, Brendon looking beyond furious, and Dallon with concern written on all of his features. The upbeat and joyful mood was gone. ****  
** **

“So, these are the people you hang out with, Joseph? With these gay punks and rejects?” He gestured to the three boys around him. Alex walked up to Josh, towering over him. He grabbed fistful of Josh’s black hoodie, trying to lift him off the ground in a threatening motion. None of the boys responded, so Alex scoffed and brought his attention back to the boy he was trying to lift. 

“And you?” He spat. “Piece of shit, you’re brainwashing him. You’re just a nobody with no potential. Nothing more than a punk and a waste of goddamn space. You have no goals. You’re just gonna end up like your dad, drinking yourself to death everyday.” ****  
** **

Josh huffed and pushed Alex’s chest, causing him to stumble back a couple of steps.  ****  
** **

“How the hell do you know that?” There were veins standing out on the side of his neck, and his knuckles on his clenched fist were turning white. ****  
** **

“Well,” Alex chuckled, looking pleased with himself. “My dad took your house back in Chicago. He gave your old man ten bottles of scotch in exchange for your house once the wife left. It’s a real nice vacation house for my family now.” ****  
** **

“Leave.” Josh shooed the other boy away, generating small chuckles from the students behind them, who Tyler just now realized were watching the whole situation. Small flecks of fear appeared in Alex’s cocky pupils at Josh’s dangerous tone, and he raised his hands in surrender as he backed down.  ****  
** **

“Okay. Be careful of what you’re getting into, Joseph.” And with that, he saluted and walked away.  ****  
** **

Josh ran a hand through his hair, clearly shaken up by the altercation. Tyler finally stood and placed his hands on the curly boy’s shoulders.  ****  
** **

“You okay?” He whispered. ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Josh said quickly. He smiled widely and bopped Tyler on the nose affectionately. “It doesn’t matter. This day is about you.”

****

***

  
The school day had ended, after what felt like forever, and Tyler headed to his car, fully burned-out from the day. He looked out the driver side window, half expecting Josh to be running towards him to take him for ice cream or something. He winced a bit when he saw no one his general vicinity, and started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.  
  
It wasn't like he expected Josh to do something extravagant for his birthday, but it would have been nice if he'd gotten something a bit more than a hug. Not that he was complaining or anything, the hug was pretty great, but he really would've enjoyed it if Josh had taken him out, especially since it was Friday night.  ****  
** **

Who was he kidding? ****  
** **

Yeah, he was kind of disappointed, but at the same time, Josh was an absolutely stellar boyfriend and he didn't have the right to get upset over small things like this.  
  
He pulled into his driveway quietly, noticing the small snowflakes starting to fall from the clouds. He exhaled, watching his breath fog up in front of him. It reminded him a bit of Josh's smoke, which seemed like it was attached to the boy’s lips. The boy was obviously killing himself, but he didn't really seem to care, and Tyler really hated it.  
  
He walked up to his house was met with his dad, sitting at the kitchen island smiling widely.  
  
"Happy birthday, son. Didn't get to wish you it this morning." His dad said brightly.  
  
"Thanks, dad."  
  
"I'll let you skip your free throws and practice for today."  
  
"Thank you, sir." He silently fist pumped.  
  
"Also," His eyes turned more serious. "When are you going to reply to Ohio State?"  
  
"When's the deadline?" Tyler breathed tiredly.  
  
"Middle of April. You've got a while, but make sure you do it."  
  
"Yes, sir." Tyler replied as he kicked off his shoes and headed upstairs.  
  
He threw himself on his bed, eternally grateful for the lack of basketball he had to do that day. He definitely felt better than he did this morning, but he had still had better days. His brain still felt foggy, as if a dark haze had settled in his brain, so he reached for his trusty notebook and pen he always kept nearby.  
  
He wrote and wrote until his wrist was sore and his fingers ached and his knuckles cracked, and then he wrote some more. He disregarded any homework, as Winter Break was coming up and the load was already lightening.  
  
He just took his time and wrote.  
  
***  
  
He was laying on his bed, staring at his fan, and trying to write out a lyric on the tip of his tongue.  
  
His phone dinged and lit up, drawing his attention to the forgotten device. He remember it was indeed his birthday and it was probably someone just sending him happy wishes.  
  
He went back to creating the lyric, before his phone went off yet again. Reluctantly, he rolled over and reached for it, closing his notebook in the process.  
  
_Joshie: meet me outside your house in 30 mins_  
  
_Joshie: dress nice :)_  
  
Tyler instantly sat up at the message, feeling a wave of nervousness course through him. He rushed to his bathroom and glanced at himself in the mirror.  
  
He looked horrible.  
  
His hair was a complete mess, the deep set eye bags on his acne-ridden face were quite prominent, his unshaved stubble made him look decades older, and his unkempt and unwashed hair was incredibly greasy.  
  
He quickly undressed and hopped into the shower, scrubbing away at his pimples and repeatedly rinsing his face with ice water. He bathed his face with shaving cream, removing any trace of the gross beard his face was sporting earlier.    
  
With only a fluffy, white towel around his waist, he practically emptied his closet, looking for anything remotely nice or formal in his closet.  ****  
** **

After many failed outfits, and many more tries, Tyler ended up in a long-sleeved baby blue button up with a jet black tie, with black skinny jeans and bright floral vans. He looked in the mirror for a few more seconds before taking a quick glance at the ticking clock on the wall. His eyes widened quickly, mostly because he had literally two minutes before Josh was supposed to arrive and he still hadn’t decided on an outfit.  ****  
** **

He grabbed his keys and his phone before quietly shutting the door to his room and slipping downstairs. He heard no noise coming from the lower level and all of the lights were off, as it was pretty late, and he had his hand on the door knob when he heard a suspicious voice behind him.  ****  
** **

“Where are you going?” Zack hissed. ****  
** **

Tyler jumped a bit at the tone but managed to stutter out an answer.  ****  
** **

“T-to hang out with Josh.” ****  
** **

“Dressed like _that?_ ” ****  
** **

“Well,” He racked his brain for an excuse but with no success. “Yeah.” ****  
** **

“Why do you hang out with that kid anyway? He’s nothing more than a bad influence.” ****  
** **

“Hey.” Tyler hissed, feeling his blood begin to boil. “That’s not true. Josh is honestly the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. You would know that if you bothered to become friends with him, instead of profiling him without meeting him like everyone else in our stupid school.” ****  
** **

“Okay, fine.” Zack eventually nodded. “I’m just worried about you, you know? You sneak out all the time and any time you’re around here you’re up in your room talking to him. I get it, if you like him, then he can't be a bad guy.” Zack smiled a bit. “But I have a question.” ****  
** **

“What?” Tyler perked an eyebrow. ****  
** **

“Do you like him?” ****  
** **

Tyler’s breath caught in his throat, but he reminded himself that nobody knew they were dating. He took a breath and answered.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, he’s a nice guy.” ****  
** **

“No,” Zack shook his head and facepalmed slightly. “Do you _like like_ him? Like, _like like_ ? ‘Cause you look at him like you want to fuck him on every surface in the goddamn room. Like- shit, do you like _like like_ him, for real?” ****  
** **

“Say ‘like’ one more time.” He threatened playfully, getting a chuckle out of Zack. Tyler ran a hand through his slick hair, and sighed. He was caught. “Yeah, I do. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” ****  
** **

“So,” Zack looked a bit confused. “Are you- like, gay?” ****  
** **

“Well,” Tyler thought for a bit. “I don’t know.” He answered truthfully. “I don’t know if I’m attracted to other guys, but I do know that I feel something for him. It’s really new to me, and I don’t really know what that something is, but I do know he means the world to me, and I won’t let anything hurt him.” He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they just felt so natural on his tongue.  ****  
** **

“God.” Zack said, paling slightly. ****  
** **

Tyler froze. “Are you okay with it?” ****  
** **

Zack paused before answering. “Truthfully, I don’t really get it, we’re Christians at heart, Ty. But, if you’re happy, regardless if that person is a guy or a girl or something else, then I’m happy for you, man.” Zack opened his arms and Tyler accepted the hug, treasuring the few precious moments he had left before he left for college. Or wherever he was going after this year. Tyler was the first to pull away, but he did so with a small smile and a gesture to the door. Zack nodded and grinned back. ****  
** **

“I’ll cover for you.” ****  
** **

“Thanks, bro.” Tyler slipped out the door.

****

*** ****  
** **

 

Tyler stood on his driveway, the soles of his shoes a bit damp from the light layer of snow adorning the dark streets. The bitter wind blew through the area, rustling what few were leaves left on the dying trees. It wasn’t extremely late but most lights in the neighborhood were off, making the landscape look darker and lonelier than it usually was.  ****  
** **

He spotted a pair of headlights coming up the street, and soon, a car pulling into his driveway. It was a beige colored Audi SUV, beautifully designed and new. The car was placed in park and tufts of blue hair approached him. Tyler felt his jaw drop.  ****  
** **

Josh was wearing a long sleeved jet black button up, with a blue bow tie and blue suspenders that matched his charmingly messy hair. He paired that with faded gray skinny jeans and completely black vans. He sported a classic 5 o’clock shadow and his eyes appeared honey, almost golden, in the streetlight. The bright light coming from the headlights of the car behind him made him look almost holy as he reached Tyler. He looked gorgeous- No, he looked fucking _angelic_ .                                                                  

“Wow.” They both breathed at the same time.  ****  
** **

“You look stunning, just wow.” Josh whispered.  ****  
** **

“You should see yourself.” Tyler responded.  ****  
** **

They stared at each other for a few more seconds before Josh cleared his throat, clearly embarrassed.  ****  
** **

“Let’s go?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.”

****

***

  
The drive was a long one, but both of them were brimming with excitement. They were driving to the outskirts of Columbus, observing as residential areas slowly changed into business establishments under the watchful eye of a full moon. They paused at a red light and Josh reached into the back seat and pulled out a tie.  ****  
** **

“Turn around. I’m gonna blindfold you.” Tyler felt his cheeks heat up, but he complied and allowed Josh to put the tie around his eyes. He couldn’t make out anything in particular, but he was able to see dim lights belonging to tall buildings and certain residences. He felt the car turn into a parking lot, and pull into a spot shortly after. The other boy helped Tyler exit the car and get his footing amidst all of the wet mush on the ground. Josh guided him up a short stretch of stairs and told him to wait once they reached the top.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s ears picked up the sound of a padlock being undone and huge steel door being pushed apart. He then heard footsteps and felt the tie around his eyes being undone.  ****  
** **

He opened his eyes and couldn’t help the gasp that escaped his mouth at the sight.  ****  
** **

“Happy birthday, beautiful.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Tyler's present is? 
> 
> As always thanks for reading!


	13. December 1st: Part Two

The room was rather small on second glance, but everything in it had a pungent new-and-unused odor. The space was rectangular, and split down the middle into two section. The part the boys were currently standing in was painted black, with posters of famous and influential musicians plastered and framed on the wall. Not too far away from the entrance, maybe two or three yards, there were three office chairs placed in front of a huge multicolored mixer, with hundreds of buttons and sliders. It was plugged into a computer, a MacBook, that was currently off, but just as new as everything else around it. There were large speakers hung up all of over the wall, powerfully and perfectly complementing the aesthetic of the room. ****  
** **

The other half of the room, separated from this side by a thick glass window, had huge panels of navy fabric and acoustical tile adorning the walls. There was a single backless chair in the center with a state-of-the-art microphone and a pair of headphones nearby. There were speakers on this side too, but significantly smaller. There were various instrument stands spaced across that side of the room that Tyler recognized, one for a bass guitar, one for a MIDI keyboard, and one for something he didn’t know.  ****  
** **

Josh took his right hand in his own and placed a jumble of something metal in them. The keys. ****  
** **

“It’s all yours.” He whispered, his warm breath raising the hairs on his nape.  ****  
** **

Everything was swaying slightly in front of his damp eyes, it was so surreal. He couldn’t believe it; the studio was all his. Strong arms and a firm grip on his shoulders were soon steading his wobbling feet. ****  
** **

“Josh,” He started, still struggling to form words and to regain his elusive balance. The blue boy flinched back, immediately letting go of Tyler and looking down. ****  
** **

“Oh gosh, you don't like it, do you?” He began wringing his hands, bottom lip slipping inside his mouth. “I don’t know why I’m so damn pushy. I get it if you’re not ready, like I really do.” All of his confidence from earlier had was evaporating quickly, leaving him a rambling mess. “I know you’re still a bit unsure about the music thing, but I thought—” ****  
** **

Tyler cut him off with slow, chaste kiss to his lips.  ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler brushed the stray blue curls out of the other boy's face. “I love it. I didn’t even know I wanted this for my birthday but I can’t even- just, I’m speechless. Thank you so much, J.” ****  
** **

Tyler watched as Josh’s worried expression quickly morphed into an extremely joyful one, his face breaking into his signature smile that rivaled sunshine and his tongue poking through his bright, white teeth. Tyler kissed the other boy on his forehead protectively after realizing how much he’s longed for that smile since he’d last seen it, over a month ago.  ****  
** **

“That was part one of three of your birthday surprises.” Josh stated with renewed conviction. ****  
** **

“Oh?”  ****  
** **

“Yeah,” Josh nodded and instantly seemed deliriously giddy. “Sit down, let me go get the second part.” He turned around without another word and jogged out of the room.  ****  
** **

Tyler took a seat in one of the office chairs, and crossed his legs, a laugh tumbling out of him at Josh’s childish behavior. ****  
** **

He returned minutes later, with his hands behind his back, and panting somewhat heavily. Snow had dusted the top of his disheveled hair and his shimmering eyelashes, making him seem years older and more ravishing in the dim candlelight.  ****  
** **

“You ready?” Josh asked excitedly, pulling Tyler out of his daze. ****  
** **

He nodded nervously, unsure of what to expect.  ****  
** **

“Voila!” He said as his hands moved in front on him, unveiling what he was holding.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s skin began to tingle faintly, his brain clouding with confusion immediately followed by bafflement. At first, he didn’t understand what it was that he was looking at. In one hand, the other boy had a small case, about a foot and a half long, shaped like a tall and skinny trapezoid. In the other one, he had a small book. ****  
** **

Josh tucked the book under his arm, and opened the weird case, unlatching it with two subsequent clicks.  ****  
** **

He pulled a strange wooden instrument, which resembling a guitar. Maybe it was a guitar, except it only had four strings.  _ It was one those mini Hawaiian guitars, right? _ The word popped into his head. ****  
** **

A ukulele.  ****  
** **

Josh placed the instrument into Tyler fingers, which were trembling either from the cold or from initial shock, he did not know. ****  
** **

“Do you like it?” Josh asked hesitantly. ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler started, still baffled and strumming the strings lightly. “Wow.” ****  
** **

Josh grinned adorably and scratched the back of his head. ****  
** **

“Sorry it’s not a grand piano.”

****

***

****

Tyler fiddled around with the uke for a little, Josh watching his every move, feeling like a lovestruck teenager. Well, in truth, he was. Tyler pulled his shoe off and threw it lightly at Josh, telling him to stop staring. Josh smiled, watching Tyler reciprocate the gesture, his dimples appearing prominently on either side of his endearing teeth. ****  
** **

Damn, how was he so lucky?

****

***

****

Tyler was glancing through the beginner ukulele book Josh got him along with the actual instrument, when Josh stood and took his hand. ****  
** **

“Put it on the stand over there.” Josh pointed to the stand Tyler hadn’t recognized originally inside the recording part of the studio. “I want to show you the final part of your gift.” ****  
** **

Tyler obeyed and when he returned to the mixing part of the room, Josh was fiddling with a curtain that Tyler hadn’t noticed, for it blended perfectly into the black wall. He moved it aside, revealing a door with a tinted window. Josh pushed in the door in a little and gestured with his head for Tyler to go in. ****  
** **

This room was significantly larger than the studio, about triple its size, and completely different style. The walls were gray and much brighter than the dark walls of the studio. The strong smell of paint filled room, creating the assumption that it had just be redone. One the farthest end of the room, there was a raised slab, with nothing on it yet except for two medium-sized speakers.  ****  
** **

On top of the smell of paint, there was the distinctive smell of sugar and some grease. Tyler turned to other side of the room to see neatly placed couches and tables in the corner. The tabletops were covered in all of Tyler’s favorite foods, from the sweetest cakes to the best things on the taco bell menu.  ****  
** **

The space was obviously a small venue, one that couldn’t hold more than 100 people, but Josh had brought in items to make the space more inviting.  ****  
** **

Tyler spun around to face Josh before drawing out a kiss to his soft lips, only breaking it to kiss all over his face. He planted one to each of his cheeks, his chin, along his jaw, his eyelids, his forehead, his hair, everywhere. He ended with another peck to his lips, and embraced the other boy, giggling inaudibly into the hug. He pulled away when he felt Josh start to shake weakly under him. He looked up worriedly to only to smile when he saw that Josh’s eyes were shut and he was laughing genuinely, and when he finally met his gaze, Tyler could see tears brimming in his eyes.  ****  
** **

Happy tears, for once. ****  
** **

Josh unwrapped himself from Tyler’s arms and ran up to the speakers, plugging his phone in, almost clumsily dropping it in his rush. Relaxing music, ones that both Tyler and Josh loved (even though the were played on the radio all of the time), began to echo throughout the room. Tyler felt his heart fill with something he didn’t quite recognize, but it was warm and fuzzy and safe. He tried to dwell on it for a bit, before the feeling vanished, but Josh’s hand was suddenly outstretched in front of him.  ****  
** **

“May I have this dance?” ****  
** **

The fuzzy feeling amplified in his chest.

****

***

****

Tyler and Josh were now seated on the largest couch, Tyler snuggled up on his chest, and they were talking quietly.  ****  
** **

“How’d you even afford this place?” Tyler asked, truly curious. ****  
** **

“I knew a guy, his name was Mark, when I used to live in Columbus, and his dad owned this place. When they had to move away, his dad needed a way to get rid of this place fast, so he signed over the rights to me and my dad. It’s technically going to be mine in June. So, yeah.” ****  
** **

“You used to live in Columbus?” Tyler asked, a bit embarrassed that he didn’t know.  ****  
** **

“Yep,” He said popping the ‘p’. “Up until about six years ago.” ****  
** **

“But then the stuff in this place would have been ruined, right? With no one taking care of the building?” ****  
** **

“Mhm,” Josh confirmed. “When I got the idea to give you this place for your birthday, I came by to check how the building held up over the years.” He laughed to himself. “It was a wreck. So I just fixed it.” ****  
** **

“Fixed it?” ****  
** **

“Yeah,” He nodded. “Repainted the whole place, fixed the walls, bought the stands and the computers, the speakers. I just redid the place. Even Brendon and Dallon came by to help. I actually slipped on some slick paint and that’s how I fractured my rib.” He smiled at Tyler. ****  
** **

Tyler looked down, feeling a bit ashamed and guilty for not trusting in Josh, as he thought the boy was simply lying to him for no good reason.  ****  
** **

Tyler laid his head on the curly boy’s chest and breathed deeply, simply enjoying the warmth and the music surrounding him. He peered up at Josh once the boy shifted a bit and pulled out a cigarette from a pack in his pocket. He grabbed an ashtray from a table nearby, and lit the cigarette expertly, tapping out the ashes before taking a long drag.  ****  
** **

“Ty, can I ask you something?” ****  
** **

Tyler nodded, eyes fixed on the smoke exiting Josh’s rosy lips. Worry was bubbling inside of him, but he knew it was only the anxiousness caused by Josh’s horrible and worsening habit. He wanted to stop him somehow.  ****  
** **

“How-” He started. “When do you think you’ll be able to go public about us?” ****  
** **

“Why? Is something bothering you?” Tyler questioned. He knew Josh had promised to give him time to come out and stuff, but it had been almost four months since then. Tyler winced a little at his own thoughts and felt a lump start forming in his throat. ****  
** **

_ What if Josh is getting impatient and doesn't want to be with me if we have to keep our relationship secret? Is Josh getting tired of dealing with my never ending problems? Oh god,is my own cowardice costing me my happiness? But I like Josh, it's just a small crush. It’s not like I feel butterflies in my stomach whenever I see Josh, so it couldn’t be anything more than a crush, right? Right? _ ****  
** **

A deep breath followed by a sad sigh drew Tyler from his thoughts. Josh took another long drag from the cigarette and shut his eyes. ****  
** **

“I just really like you.” His eyes scrunched together, but in a frustrated sort of way. “I want to be able to hug you and kiss you, no matter who is watching. Look, I get that you want to protect yourself and your reputation, I really do. People here aren’t as understanding and open-minded as they could be, and I know us being friends is already pushing the norms. I just see all of these couples, straight or not, showing so much public affection and all I want is to be able to hold your hand.” He looked like he had more to say, but he was getting all worked up, and took another drag.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s mind brooded over the words being spoken to him, head spinning slightly. He had to run a few fingers over his temples to bring himself back down to earth. He was feeling a bit overwhelmed, in the least. He thought carefully over what to say in response.  ****  
** **

“I told Zack about us.” ****  
** **

Josh opened his eyes, which quickly widened, and looked down at Tyler. ****  
** **

“How’d he take it?” He asked quietly. ****  
** **

“Well. He said he didn’t understand but he was happy for me.” ****  
** **

Josh literally  _ squealed,  _ because that was the only word to describe the sound that left his mouth, and picked up Tyler, swinging his legs around Josh’s waist.  ****  
** **

He balanced the cigarette in between his lips, careful not to burn Tyler with the lit end. He quickly put it out against the ashtray, and pecked Tyler on the lips. He winced a bit at the strong flavor of nicotine drowning out Josh’s unique minty taste. ****  
** **

He met Josh’s gaze once again to see he was smiling. Really smiling. ****  
** **

“I'm so proud of you.” ****  
** **

“Why are so happy about it anyway?” ****  
** **

Josh chuckled as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  ****  
** **

“It means that I’m one step closer to calling you mine.”

****

***

****

Tyler was again sitting in the passenger seat of the beige Audi, feeling more content than he had in a long time. It wasn't necessarily like he was happy, more like he was pleased and temporarily at peace with himself.  ****  
** **

Josh ran his thumb over the back of Tyler hands, where they were intertwined over the glove compartment in between the two seats. The car was silent, aside from the ever present hum of the engine and the occasional squeaks whenever the brakes were pressed.  ****  
** **

Tyler shifted a bit in his seat, trying to find a better angle to discreetly stare at the other boy in the dull street lights, when something tumbled out from beside him and fell to the floor.  ****  
** **

“Sorry.” He mumbled as he bent to pick it up, struggling a bit because the seatbelt randomly locked at his nervous movement. It was a notebook with frayed pages, old and tattered, and with big, bold letters in neat script on the front.  ****  
** **

“Stuff.” Tyler read the word aloud, and looked at Josh for permission. ****  
** **

He nodded, so Tyler flipped the book open, glancing around the pages. Unlike his own notebook, the script was organized and dated, lining up perfectly with the margins. The words were rarely crossed out, depicting a habit of fully thinking through thoughts before rushing to write them down.  ****  
** **

Some entries were only a sentence long, while others were about a paragraph in length. Some lines were broken up into stanzas almost, it having its own flow. ****  
** **

“You write?” Tyler asked, beyond surprised. ****  
** **

“Not like lyrics or anything.” Josh snickered, without breaking his gaze from the road. “But just ideas. It helps me sort through some complicated thoughts and emotions. And stuff.” ****  
** **

Tyler looked back down at the paper, flipping until the writing stopped, noticing that the last entry was dated in the previous week. Tyler recalled the day as a dark one. One where Josh had a nasty hand-shaped bruise around his throat, and he spoke no words, other than the barely audible ‘I’m fine,’ whenever someone shot him an odd look.  ****  
** **

He squinted to better make out the small words in the darkness. ****  
** **

_ Like swimming upwards,  _

_ Fighting a freezing current, _

_ Unrelenting in its efforts to push you into submission.  _

_ The chain carrying weight of your conscience snakes around your ankle, rubbing it raw  _

_ As you try to shake your ensnared foot free.  _

_ Sometimes your toes can tickle the leafy and soggy undergrowth, _

_ Without straining too far.  _

_ And other times your fingernails can taste the  _

_ Refreshing,  _

_ Yearned breeze  _

_ Above the ocean. _

_ But it’s always an uphill battle. It’s unfortunate really.  _

_ When your flailing limbs get tired,  _

_ And your eyes wash out,  _

_ And your nose and throat sting with salt,  _

_ And your fingertips wrinkle,  _

_ And the thought crosses your mind to simply let the boulder drag you down to the bottom,  _

_ Where your bones would rot and become one with the mud you’ve fought so hard to run away from.  _

_ Or maybe when the water that is drowning you becomes more home to you _

_ Than the air that you’ve waited so long to taste.  _

_ Air becomes a strange concept to you,  _

_ For all you know is water, _

_ And you start to wonder, amidst your meaningless kicking, if you should really keep trying.  _

_ But then you see the distorted imprint of the sun across the waves,  _

_ And your heart fills with a fondness that fuels you with an energy to paddle just for a bit longer. _ ****  
** **

_ Is it worth it though? I guess that’s what we all want to find out.  _

****

***

****

They pulled up in Tyler’s driveway, the thick layer of snow making a crunching sound under the car’s tires. They’d rode back to Tyler’s house in a comfortable silence, not needing to stop for food since both of them were already stuffed. ****  
** **

Josh let Tyler out and reversed to go park at the end of the street, so that the Joseph family didn’t see Josh and Tyler dressed fancily and entering the house together.  ****  
** **

Once he had parked the car and locked it, Josh began walking towards the general direction of the Joseph household, coming through the backyard to hide his footprints in the snow. The otherwise silent landscape slowed his fast heartbeat, and filled his lungs with abnormally chilly air.  ****  
** **

It felt good. He felt good.  ****  
** **

He’d made Tyler happy. That fact alone made him want to jump in the air and count his blessings. Josh wanted to do everything in his power to chase away Tyler’s bad thoughts, and over the past two months, it seemed like he was succeeding. Tyler was getting better. But, Josh knew better than to hope that this was the end of Tyler’s struggle. It was never that easy.  ****  
** **

He was a huge advocate for self-care, but he’d neglected taking care of himself over the last couple of months, and he knew it. It was for Tyler though, so he didn’t mind staying up with the boy most nights, or coming over to his house whenever the boy didn’t feel safe alone. He didn’t care if his anxiety was through the roof and that he was self-medicating with whatever he could get his hands on. It was for Tyler, and that was okay.  ****  
** **

Hell, he would starve for a year if it meant seeing Tyler smile. ****  
** **

He still felt like Tyler didn’t tell him everything though, and it was killing him. He just wanted to help, but he couldn’t do so if Tyler wasn’t completely honest with him. ****  
** **

He scoffed at his own thoughts, as he wasn’t even close to qualified to talk about honesty. He preferred to tell the truth, yes, but most of the things Tyler and his friends knew about him were lies. He often tried to justify the lies to himself by saying he was protecting them from knowing what a disgusting person he was. God, he hated himself. ****  
** **

The quiet sound of his phone going off drew him out of his thoughts.  ****  
** **

_ Will Dun: found you r weed stash. getsome more. heard it makes sex better _ ****  
** **

Josh’s feet no longer understood the meaning of walking, and he almost fell over out of pure shock. He’d kind of forgotten his dad had his number, as he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d texted him. He took a deep breath and ran a shaky hand through his hair and tugged on it a bit, feeling his scalp sting a bit. He was not going to have a panic attack. He was going to ground himself and then spend the night at Tyler’s. That was it. He would deal with this in the morning.  ****  
** **

He left the messages unread so wouldn’t forget to answer them in the morning. He lit one of the last cigarettes in the box in a desperate attempt to calm his nerves. He was smoking more than usual, usually a pack would last him almost a month, but recently a pack would last him a day at most.  ****  
** **

He shook head free of worrying thoughts as he approached the Joseph household. He latched onto the siding and began climbing, as usual. At first, nothing seemed wrong, only the slight shakiness of his fingers, but that was normal enough. It all seemed too similar to when he did this at his own house. But soon enough he realized his heart was in his throat, and his vision was too blurry, he could barely see. He instinctively climbed into a window, that being the only method of entering his house.  ****  
** **

He couldn’t tell what was real anymore.  ****  
** **

His rational thoughts were being clouded by ones that told him to  _ run, hide, and fight back _ . He felt his knees give out, and there were phantom hands all over his body. He curled up into a ball in the farthest corner of the room, trying to shield himself from the invasive touches.  ****  
** **

There were hands in his hair, and he tried to scream, but the noise got lost in his throat, coming out more as a whimper. He braced himself for the pain, hands pushing whatever was on him away. But instead the fingers continued playing his blue locks and massaging his neck, and there was a raspy voice speaking to him. ****  
** **

After several minutes of debating with himself and taking deep breaths full of smoke, he looked up, wincing a bit as the still lit cigarette grazed his forearm. His eyes eventually focused on a very worried and a very shirtless Tyler and he almost cried out in relief. Tyler didn’t speak, and simply pulled the cig from his lips. Josh let out a small sound of surprise as Tyler stubbed it out on the ashtray he now had in his room, thanks to Josh. He walked back over and handed Josh a warm towel. ****  
** **

“We’ll talk later. Go and take a shower, yeah?” 

****

***

****

Tyler wasn’t a nosy person. Nor was he a suspicious one.  ****  
** **

But the fact that Josh’s phone was lying on his desk while the blue boy was in the shower was testing even his solid self-control. He trusted Josh with certain things, and he trusted the boy to do what was right, but he couldn’t make himself trust the boy not to lie or keep secrets. So there was his phone, lying unattended, and Tyler couldn’t help himself as he snatched it off of the table. ****  
** **

He hesitated when he realized the lock screen was a picture of himself, wearing a black hoodie with red and green graphics on it, and with a goofy, cross-eyed expression on his face. Guilt started filling in his chest, but the temptation to finally get answers shoved it away. ****  
** **

He stared at the pin screen and searched his mind for any guesses. He tried basic guesses such as 1-2-3-4 and 2-5-8-0, but later he tried 1-2-0-1 (his birthday) and 0-6-1-8 (Josh’s birthday), but with no avail. He racked his brain for other important numbers or dates. Maybe it was the day they made it official to themselves. It was the only other day Tyler hadn’t tried, but it was also the only day he didn’t know by heart. He grabbed his own phone, going straight to the calendar app, and counting back the weeks until he arrived at a day in October. He typed in 1-0-0-5 and watched the phone open and take him to the home screen. He was about to open the messages app but he heard Josh exit the bathroom. ****  
** **

He placed the phone back where it was and rushed to take a seat on his bed, trying to look as casual as possible. Josh walked in, his steps almost silent against the floorboards, and checked his phone, suspiciously glancing at Tyler and fully shutting it off. He was shirtless, as was Tyler, but his right arm was covered in gauze again. It reminded Tyler of that night where the two had swam for hours in a freezing lake, solely enjoying each other’s company.  ****  
** **

Josh climbed into the bed and gave Tyler a small smile.  ****  
** **

“What happened to your arm?” ****  
** **

“I was out on a run and I tripped and fell on some branches.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” Tyler accepted, it was believable enough. “I wanted to talk to you though, Josh.” ****  
** **

Josh hummed, encouraging Tyler to continue, but his eyes were already slipping shut.  ****  
** **

“Seriously.” Tyler whispered, a bit harshly. ****  
** **

Josh perked an eyebrow, eyes still shut, and nodding to give Tyler the impression that he was still fully listening. ****  
** **

“Josh,” He took a deep breath. “You’ve helped me so much. No, you  _ help _ me so much, everyday. You always put my needs in front of yours, and you never cease to amaze me everyday with your kindness.” His voice sounded as watery as his eyes were beginning to be. “The past two months only made me realize how lucky I am to have you in my life. You do everything, baby, you’re my rock.” Josh finally opened his eyes to the size of thin crescents, which were damp and glistening with fresh tears. “But you can’t put everything above yourself like that. You take such good care of me and everyone else, that you forget to take care of yourself sometimes.” Josh opened his mouth to say something, but Tyler shook his head to silence him. “No, don’t try to convince me otherwise. I know you smoke to help with stress and anxiety, but you have to stop, it's not worth it. Baby, please, I’m begging you, you have to quit for me.”  ****  
** **

Josh buried his head in his hands and a dry sob cracked in his throat. Tyler was unable to hold back the tears blooming in his eyes either, and they quickly wet his face, like a waterfall breaking free from the claws of winter.  ****  
** **

Josh wiped his face dry with his forearm and slid out of bed. Suddenly scared that he’d gone too far and pushed too hard, Tyler stood too to chase after the other boy. Josh walked over to the pair of clothes (amidst a small pile of dirty laundry) he was wearing earlier and sifted through the pockets. Tyler stopped and watched, slightly confused by the blue boy’s actions.  ****  
** **

Soon, Josh was facing him and putted something into his grip. Josh retracted his hand, giving Tyler the object he was holding. Tyler couldn’t hold back the small gasp and the few fresh tears spilled out with it.  ****  
** **

In his palm were three boxes of cigarettes, one opened and two brand new.  ****  
** **

“Josh.” Tyler could barely form words. Instead he opened his arms, and Josh quickly embraced him. Tyler almost lost his balance from the impact, but wasted no time hugging him back.  ****  
** **

“I’ll try my hardest, I swear. I’d do anything for you, baby.” Josh breathed against Tyler’s wet chest. “Anything.” He repeated, almost like a chant.  ****  
** **

Tyler hushed him and directed their two connected bodies back to the bed. He laid down against Josh’s clothed front, their chests almost touching. Josh was still babbling quietly, eyes screwed shut, but the words were so quiet and rushed that Tyler couldn’t make out any of it. He buried his face in the place where Josh’s neck became his collarbone and played with the curls on the nape of his neck.  ****  
** **

“You’re my world, Ty.” Josh breathed so quietly that Tyler had to hold his breath to hear it. Josh’s hurried breaths turned to soft snores and Tyler felt his heart fill with that same unidentified thing he felt earlier. ****  
** **

This truly was the best birthday he could’ve ever asked for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Josh will be able to keep his promise? Let me know any thoughts or feedback you might have!
> 
> ALSO, 1k hits?! You guys are insane. Every comment and kudo is greatly appreciated, and even though I don't reply very often, know that I read every single one.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


	14. Pendants

“It all started when I was fourteen.”  ****  
** **

It was around 8 o’clock when the two boys woke up, fully exhausted from the busy events of the previous night. Sunlight had just started peeking through the blinds of the window, birds were singing quiet melodies while basking in the fleeting morning warmth. It was December after all. ****  
** **

The morning had been slow and lazy, neither got up to groom or brush their hair, they just laid in bed and chatted about nothing in particular. Tyler had eventually got the courage to ask Josh about how he got into smoking, and the boy had tensed in Tyler’s grip. He reluctantly answered, and even though Tyler sensed how uncomfortable the blue haired boy was, he kept his mouth shut and listened.  ****  
** **

“I had a friend, who had all the hookups, you know?” ****  
** **

“Hook ups?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He nodded without looking at Tyler. “All kinds of stuff. Like… cocaine, heroin, but lighter things like vapes and cigars.” He bit his lip. “My anxiety got bad with… everything going on at the time, and they offered me a cig. And,  _ God, Ty,  _ it was amazing. I hate to say it, but everything cleared up, it was like I could finally breathe after being underwater for so long. I used it as a coping mechanism- a really bad crutch, if you will.” He scratched his neck awkwardly. “I started sneaking them from my dad until I looked old enough to buy them myself. I usually only smoke when my anxiety gets bad, like one time I went 2 months without a single cigarette, but this year, I don’t know. It’s like my nerves were set on fire and my smoking got chronic, dude.” ****  
** **

Josh’s gaze went downwards and his lips eventually stopped their movement. His unmoving face showed no signs of continuing his muse, or elaborating upon his ‘story’ in any way. But Tyler couldn’t help himself and his increasing greed for more answers. It had consumed him, as if the greed was a free wildfire and his conscience was nothing more dry grass. He ran his fingers over Josh’s chest and ribs, knowing how much it calmed him, and watched as the drummer’s shoulders relaxed slowly. ****  
** **

“What do you mean, ‘everything going on at the time’?” ****  
** **

Josh inhaled slightly and a hand went to his unruly curls, gripping them and pulling on the strands. Tyler knew it was something they both did, using pain to fend off panic attacks and intense anxiety, so he waited until Josh opened his eyes again.  ****  
** **

“Divorce.” He gritted out, after a while. ****  
** **

Tyler used the quiet, other than the whirring of the ceiling fan, to coax the nervous boy into continuing.  ****  
** **

“My parents,” He started. “They’d been having problems for as long as I could remember, but no kid wants to think their parents will split up, you know? When I got to high school, things got rocky between them and it was just icing on the cake with the stuff at school, and me  _ spontaneously _ finding out I’m attracted to guys. Their divorce was anything but civilized. I can't really describe how many times they put me in the middle, or attacked each other in front of me. It made me feel so...powerless. Their fights literally sucked the air out of the room, and all I could do was watch aimlessly and try hide it from my siblings.” His voice got quieter and quieter, eventually dropping down to a whisper. ****  
** **

“Is that what Alex was talking about at lunch?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He grimaced. “My dad turned to beer and shit, becoming an alcoholic. But the drinks only made him more violent. My mom got fed up and ran off in the middle of the night with my siblings. She left me with my dad… I don't really know why. It was difficult, because even though my mom was gone, things were- uh, rough.” ****  
** **

Tyler glanced up at the blue boy from where he was laying on his chest, watching as he stared at the wall across from him. His eyebrows furrowed, and it almost looked like he was debating something in his head.  ****  
** **

“They- My p-parents… used to take it out on us. On me.” ****  
** **

Tyler tensed as the curly hairs on the back of his neck stood up and goosebumps prickled his skin. He quickly changed their position, pushing the other boy, so Josh was now lying on his back and Tyler was seated on his chest, his bent knees on either side of the blue boy’s ribs. He cupped Josh’s face and looking directly into his deep brown eyes.  ****  
** **

Josh was breathing through an open mouth and his breath quickened, chest rising and stuttering before falling.  ****  
** **

“Josh- _ what?” _ ****  
** **

The other boy didn’t respond, instead, he continued staring into Tyler’s eyes, with the most frightened expression Tyler had seen in a while.  ****  
** **

“Josh…” Tyler tried again. “Did your parents… how did they take it out on you?” ****  
** **

The silence was practically deafening. ****  
** **

“Uh, well,” He swallowed slowly. “They just- uh, they only yelled and sometimes t-threw stuff. I n-never got hurt, though, so y-you don't need to worry about it.” ****  
** **

Tyler felt his lips purse disappointedly as he got off Josh’s chest, and he planted his feet on the hardwood of his bedroom. Tyler couldn’t make himself believe Josh, and that thought was terrifying in itself. He looked at the blue boy, who was avoiding eye contact, and sighed at the sight of Josh’s trembling body. Tyler threw the comforter over the other boy wordlessly, and kissed his sweaty forehead. Josh didn’t seem to acknowledge Tyler’s movement, almost as if his mind was elsewhere. ****  
** **

Tyler looked over his shoulder one last time, hearing Josh’s heavy panting, and headed into the shower with profound sadness settling in his heart. 

****

***

****

_ Shit. _ ****  
** **

Honestly, how stupid could he be? ****  
** **

Here he was, on Tyler’s bed, reliving a horrible flashback at the expense of whatever was left of his dignity. He just had open his big, fat mouth and tell the other boy about his parents. He didn’t even know why he pushed himself so goddamn far.  ****  
** **

Tyler wanted answers. He couldn’t keep lying to him like this, but he would gladly die before he let Tyler know that about his dad and himself. Tyler would finally see how weak and disgusting he was. Tyler wouldn’t be able to even look him. He’d leave. Tyler would leave if he found out. He couldn’t give Tyler what he needed from a partner. He’d absolutely leave. Shit, Tyler’s going to leave and he will have no one. Josh didn’t deserve him anyway. He didn’t even deserve to even live— ****  
** **

_ Fuck, I need to slow down. _ ****  
** **

Josh inhaled deeply, wiping his clammy hands over his drenched forehead. He pushed a few wet locks of blue hair that were stuck to his forehead out his view before letting out his breath. He needed a smoke.  _ Wait, no, not right now. I’m trying to quit for Tyler, remember? _ ****  
** **

This wasn’t his first time trying to get off cigs, but he’d never gotten cravings this quickly. Usually, he went cold turkey, simply throwing away all of packs and avoiding going to any convenience store alone. He usually got through at least a couple days, but the impact and intensity of withdrawal was enough to drive him to give in to his impulses.  ****  
** **

Josh swung his feet over the edge of the bed, finally sitting up. He felt guilty for spending so much time at Tyler’s house. If the other boy minded, he never voiced it, but Josh’s incessant leeching had to get annoying to Tyler and all of the Joseph family. It wasn’t his intention to be at their house all of the time, but most nights, he’d rather hide here than try to sneak into his own house.  ****  
** **

Speaking of his own house, even though he was barely there, things were getting noticeably worse. ****  
** **

His dad had recently lost his job (a really damn high paying one), meaning he had a lot more time to spend getting wasted around the house. His temper, if not already bad, was on the fritz, erupting at even the smallest things. Josh had the scars to prove it. The blue haired boy had begun sleeping in the attic (using his busted drum kit as a sort of makeshift bed), as his dad had broken a large hole through his bedroom door in a drunken rage, and he  _ definitely _ didn’t feel safe sleeping out in the open. And since his dad was no longer working, he was forced to pick up odd jobs around Columbus in order to pay for the bills. Any extra money he had over the past month and a half, he spent on redoing Tyler’s studio and cigarettes. It was a lot to deal with at the moment.  ****  
** **

Tyler emerged from the bathroom, wearing a black t-shirt and skinny jeans of the same color. He swung the towel over his desk chair and looked at Josh questioningly.  ****  
** **

“Why aren’t you dressed?” He asked, mumbling a bit around his toothbrush.  ****  
** **

“Are we going somewhere?” ****  
** **

“Mhm.” Tyler responded absentmindedly. He had picked up a pen and was scrawling into his battered lyric notebook. Josh knew better than to bother him when he had an idea, so he got up on shaky legs and walked over to Tyler’s closet. ****  
** **

He was in the process of switching out of his sweatpants for his grey skinnies when he caught Tyler looking at him.   ****  
** **

Tyler’s eyes scanning his body over, his mocha eyes flicking up and down painfully slowly. He finally looked Josh in the eye with such conviction and determination it made Josh’s heart tremble in his chest.  ****  
** **

Josh eventually felt the edges of his lips tug upwards. The other boy replicated the gesture, dimples in all, and Josh chuckled as he pulled on a crimson sweater he’d left here a while back. It smelled like detergent and bit like Tyler’s aftershave. It made his heart flutter. ****  
** **

“I don't what I’m gonna call this one yet.” Tyler picked up the notebook, almost cradling it in his arms. “So far, I have like a verse and a half done but I really want to write it out before it leaves me.” He was kind of tugging at his sleeve and biting his top lip endearingly. “I’ll sing it you one day, Josh.” ****  
** **

Josh leaned back against the doorframe of the closet and closed his eyes. He wasn’t exactly sure what Tyler meant by that, but the pure emotion in his voice was enough to make him stop and think. When he opened his eyes again, Tyler was right in front of him and reaching up to stroke his jaw.  ****  
** **

“I got your back, no matter what happens, yeah?” ****  
** **

Josh’s heart was hammering in his chest, like a trapped bird trying to break free of its cage, and swelling with pure and unfiltered adoration for the boy in front of him. ****  
** **

“Yeah.”

****

***

****

The two boys were seated around the breakfast area, surrounded by the rest of the many members of the Joseph family. His mom was yammering on about something to Zack who looked just as uninterested as Tyler felt, and his dad was enveloped in the large newspaper in his hand, barely speaking to anybody. The TV was on in the other room, and Jay was probably in there watching some saturday morning cartoon or something.  ****  
** **

Tyler took a slow bite out of his buttered toast, his stomach churning a bit in disgust. He normally loved toast, but he couldn’t make himself enjoy it today. He was actually planning on skipping breakfast, having lost any trace of his appetite, but Josh had given him the sweetest puppy-dog eyes and begged him to eat only a  _ little bit _ . And Tyler wasn’t strong enough to say no to those eyes. So here he was, biting back the bile rising in his throat before he gave up and pushed his plate away from him. He perched his chin on his palm and sighed.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s bored gaze eventually wandered to Josh. The blue boy was stuck in a conversation with Maddy, stirring his cereal and occasionally lifting the spoon up to his mouth. Tyler was about to chuckle mockingly at the fact that Josh was forced to listen to pointless thirteen-year-old drama, but his eyebrows were stitched together and he looked like he was hanging onto her every word.  ****  
** **

He met Zack’s gaze again, who looked incredibly smug and winked at Tyler. He pointed to Josh and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Tyler’s cheeks burned as he bit his lip, and he hit Zack on the back of head lightly, making him squeal and utter a small ‘ow.’ His mother gave him a disappointed look, and he growled, tapping Josh on the shoulder and angrily gesturing towards the door.  ****  
** **

The other boy nodded, whispering something to Maddy and causing her to blush and burst out giggling, and got up. He grabbed his and Tyler dirty dishes and walked them over to the sink before uttering a small ‘thank you’ to Tyler’s mom, who looked pleasantly surprised and proud. Unexpected jealousy surfaced his chest.   ****  
** **

“Hey Tyler, could you grab my snapback and zip-up from upstairs?” Josh asked in a sugar-sweet tone.  ****  
** **

Tyler huffed and headed to his room. 

****

*** ****  
** **

 

Tyler pulled the black beanie further down on his head and inhaled deeply, the chilly air filling his lungs. The sky was bluer than it had been in a while, taking on almost a cerulean hue. Puffy clouds amplified the already blinding sunlight, making it borderline painful to look at the sky.  ****  
** **

He was watching Josh locking the doors to the studio again, after they’d come by to clean up after last night. His blue hair stood out against the pale landscape as he dragged the trash bags into a nearby dumpster, lobbing them over his head and into the bin. He gripped his shoulder, massaging it as he turned around to face Tyler. Josh then jogged to him, leaving crooked footprints in the melting snow, and held out his hand for the keys. Tyler shook his head.  ****  
** **

“Let me drive. I need some stuff from the store.” He said it so quietly that he was surprised Josh heard him and nodded. He was feeling tired again. Not that tiredness you could cure with a good night’s rest, but the one that settled in your soul like fog.  ****  
** **

Tyler hopped into the car to find Josh already inside and fiddling through the glove compartment. He pulled out a paper and a pen, writing gently onto the sheet. He handed it over to Tyler.  ****  
** **

“Sign here, and the studio’s yours.” ****  
** **

“Josh, are you sure that—” ****  
** **

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I want to give a place where you can start achieving your dreams.”  ****  
** **

Tyler started the Audi and pulled out of the parking lot before speaking again.  ****  
** **

“It’s not exactly easy to go to college and start a career in music at the same time.” ****  
** **

Josh didn’t even look at Tyler, opting to continue looking out the passenger side window.  ****  
** **

“But it’s your dream. I know you’d do almost anything to achieve it. Plus, you’re way too talented to settle for a 9 to 5 job.” He sounded so optimistic. “If I find out that you do, I will personally kick your ass, dude.” ****  
** **

“Sick.”

****

***

****

Josh was wandering aimlessly around the convenience store, occasionally bending over to look at anything that caught his eye. Tyler was across the street, at the jewelers, while Josh was here, gripping $100 in his fist. Tyler had left him here with the money and a mission to,  _ ‘buy whatever you need to quit.’ _ ****  
** **

So here he stood with two packs of gum in one hand and the cash in the other. If he was being completely honest, he didn't really know what to buy, so just walked up to the counter to pay for what he had.  ****  
** **

“Hey, Josh, what can I get for you today?” The cashier said. He was an older man, maybe in his mid fifties, with white hair and striking blue eyes. He was a surprisingly strong man for his age, the biceps he had grown over the years were still prominent in his cuffed navy shirt. Josh had come to his store every week since he had moved back to Columbus, so it wasn't surprising when the older man greeted him by name.  ****  
** **

“Good evening, Mr. Wilbur.” He shyly slid the gym pack across the counter. “Just these, please.” ****  
** **

“Really? Not buying cigarettes today, son?” ****  
** **

“No, not for a while sir.” He already felt awkward enough without his cigs, but he wanted to do this for Tyler, so he held his resolve and shook his head. ****  
** **

“Alright,” He said, dropping the subject, much to Josh's relief. “That'll be a buck, twenty.” ****  
** **

Josh pulled out his own wallet, pocketing Tyler’s money, and paid for the gum himself. He internally counted the change about ten times to make sure he didn’t waste the man’s time. He began rehearsing “goodbye,” in his head, making sure it wasn’t too enthusiastic or too nonchalant. He slipped the pack into his pocket, waved goodbye to Wilbur, cursed himself for being so awkward, and exited the store.  ****  
** **

The door dinged as it started to shut, and Josh broke the gum pack open and slid one into his mouth. He crossed the threshold of the store, the rustling of the heater fading into quiet, as he walked onto the wintry street. The cold hit him like a wall, and he savored the tingling sensation at the tips of his finger for a while, before turning down the sidewalk to the local jewelers. ****  
** **

He tipped his head up, feeling the cold waves of air hit his throat. It was the height of the day, it probably was even past noon. The sun was beating down upon the earth, but it seemed as if none of the heat was reaching Ohio.  ****  
** **

It was strange but familiar phenomenon.  ****  
** **

He attempted to take a deep breath, to really cement the moment in his memory, but instead it turned into a rush of coughs and the taste of iron on his tongue. He was really growing sick of his own body. ****  
** **

At that moment, Tyler rushed out of the store, hurrying to put on his beanie and put his keys in his pocket at the same time. He turned harshly and jumped a bit a Josh's obvious presence. He chuckled lamely, face flushing from embarrassment and faced Josh. ****  
** **

“What'd you buy?” He said, taking the keys out of his pocket and walking to the car with Josh in tow. ****  
** **

“Just some gum.”  ****  
** **

“Is that all you need?” Tyler asked, not a hint of judgment in his voice.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, I think so.” He said nervously. “By the way, lemme give you your money back.” ****  
** **

“Nah, man.” Tyler swatted the air with his palms as he hopped in the driver's seat. “Don't sweat it.” ****  
** **

“Tyler—” ****  
** **

“ _ Don't sweat it.”  _ He restated. His face lit up and excitement as he started the car. “I have one more place to take you.”

****

***

****

The Audi was cruising down the freeway, and the boys were currently screaming the lyrics to  _ All I Want for Christmas is You  _ with as much gusto and volume they could muster. Tyler would occasionally glance beside him, just to see Josh smiling widely and fully invested in the song.  ****  
** **

The boy was drumming an easy rhythm on his lap while singing loudly, and Tyler thought he would never get sick of the sight.  ****  
** **

He joined back in for the outro, as he took the exit onto a quieter road. Josh relaxed into his seat, face red and flushed, but looking extremely satisfied. 

****

***

****

They drove down an empty street, occasionally branching into the busier part of the city. The car was incredibly quiet compared to the sheer noise that was filling it minutes earlier, but the silence was nowhere near awkward. Josh was still breathing deeply, trying to compose himself, but he was still wearing a stupid grin on his face.  ****  
** **

He honestly could not get enough of Tyler.  ****  
** **

The boy's mocha eyes drove him insane, the pure beauty and intelligence in them astounded Josh every time. And, ugh, his voice. It was uniquely raspy, almost gravely in a way, but also somewhat high pitched. When he sang, his tone sounded so rich, and emotional, but in the most amazing way.  ****  
** **

He was falling harder for this boy everyday.  ****  
** **

Of course, there were still doubts in his mind. He couldn't help the nagging feeling in him that this was all a joke to him. Yeah, there was a part of him that really wanted to forget all of that and indulge himself in Tyler, but there was also another part of him that warned him not to get too involved.  ****  
** **

He was crushing hard, though.  ****  
** **

He couldn't get the other boy off of his mind, and even though they had only known each other for four months, he felt as if he was ready to lay his life on the line Tyler.  ****  
** **

He was in too deep to walk out unharmed.  ****  
** **

He remembered the day when Tyler had cheated on him in October. Well, he was forced to, sort of. Despite the fact that that day was more than two months ago, the pain was still fresh in his chest. Yes, he had let it go for his own sake, but he couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when Tyler hung around Jenna.  ****  
** **

Tyler was still popular as fuck too, and even through they shared three classes and lunch, they barely talked to one another. They were still acting as if they only hung out for school projects, so they didn't really talk much aside from lunch. And Josh could never find the courage to approach him when he was surrounded by his friends. Once, he'd snuck into one of Tyler's basketball games, but he didn't have the bravery to talk to him while he was surrounded by his team, so he just left without saying hello.  ****  
** **

“C'mon, we're here.” Tyler said, and Josh now realized that the car was already in park and shut off. His muscles were lead and he suddenly didn’t have the energy to move them, but he pushed through the tiredness settling in his bones upon glancing at Tyler’s excited expression. He stepped out of the Audi, taking a moment to steady his swaying vision. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and it took everything in him not to flinch back.  ****  
** **

“Dude- Josh, are you good?” ****  
** **

“I-” Honestly, he didn’t know. This wasn’t an anxiety attack or anything like that, but he was incredibly dizzy. It took all of what was left his energy to hold back the contents of his stomach. ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He eventually choked out when his vision began to clear up. “I must be car sick or something.” He lied.  ****  
** **

Tyler still looked concerned but he patted Josh on the back lightly and smiled slightly.  ****  
** **

“Okay, Maybe this will make you feel better.” He pointed directly behind them. ****  
** **

It was an immense building towering over them, certainly over five stories high. Hundreds of neon lights and polished glass windows glared back at him. The huge parking lot in front of the main entrance was neatly painted and picture perfect. The mall shouldn’t have amazed Josh in the way that he did (hell, he was fawning over a parking lot) but it had been years since he’d had the money to even go to one.  ****  
** **

“We're going on a shopping spree.” He pulled out his wallet, the green cash poking out through the top. “Whatever you want, it's on me.” ****  
** **

“Tyler, you know I can't spend your money like that. It's yours. You've already spent enough, don't feel like you have to splurge on me.” Josh pleaded.  ****  
** **

Tyler chuckled, ruffling Josh's blue curls as he did so. “Listen, I  _ want  _ to spend on you. Whatever makes you happy, you know?”  ****  
** **

“Tyler—” ****  
** **

“C'mon.” He interrupted, lacing his and Josh's hands together. “Let's go before the lines get long.”

****

***

****

Tyler was balancing five bags in his hands, after insisting on carrying everything. Josh hadn't actually asked for much, just a new pair of sneakers, a few hoodies, and ripped, black skinny jeans that made his butt look  _ good. _ Okay yeah, Tyler couldn't help looking.  ****  
** **

He was tailing Josh at the moment, watching the boy running from store to store. He looked like a little kid in a candy shop, almost like he'd never been in a mall before. Yeah, of course, he knew Josh wasn't as “financially fortunate” as Tyler was, but still, it was a bit off.  ****  
** **

Josh excused himself to the restroom, and Tyler took this chance to sit on a nearby mall chair and relax. He pulled out a book he'd bought from the checkout line of a store. In big bold letters, the title read  _ All Our Sons _ . He didn't really know why he bought it, it was probably just a waste of money, but after reading the back cover, he decided that it might be worth his time. He propped the book open with one hand, and just as he was about to read the first word, he felt a body plop down next to him. ****  
** **

“Where do you wanna go next?” He said, shutting the book.  ****  
** **

“I don't know,” He wheezed.  “Can we- just, like sit here for a bit.” He sounded he'd just run a marathon, voice hoarse and breath heavy.  ****  
** **

“Yeah? I mean… sure.” Worry was filling his stomach, but he brought his gaze back down to his lap. Tyler dramatically pulled out his phone, pretending to answer some texts to diffuse some of the building awkwardness, but with the blue boy gasping for breath beside him, it was kind of hard to focus. ****  
** **

_ What was going on with Josh? _

****

***

****

Josh was seated next to Tyler in the movie theater, fingers intertwined over the joint armrests of the seats. This theater was expensive and extremely high-end, just like most things Tyler owned. The few chairs in the theater were reclining, and made of fancy leather. The screen was large and displayed the movie and everything on it in the highest quality. ****  
** **

But this was not what Josh was thinking about. ****  
** **

He had picked the movie, one that he'd wanted to see for a very long time, but he couldn't make himself be interested in the plot. He was far more occupied with the way the light hit Tyler's face, and the way all of his features were enhanced by the dim light. His eyebrows were furrowed, and his attention was dead set on the movie. The reflections of the movie danced across his pupils, which were large and soulful from the darkness. His hand was on his chin, scratching the youthful stubble growing there.  ****  
** **

Everything about the brunette was beautiful, in Josh's eyes.  ****  
** **

After realizing he was awkwardly staring, he turned his head back to the screen and settled into the recliner. It wasn't long before there was a head on his shoulder and warm breath on his neck.  ****  
** **

His heart swelled to the size of the moon.

****

***

****

“Ah- fuck! You totally cheated!” Josh bellowed slamming the controlled down the wooden floor. They were seated in Tyler’s room, Josh on the floor and Tyler on the bed. Josh was ranting on and about how  _ there was no way he could have lost Call of Duty to Tyler.  _ Even though he'd just lost four times. ****  
** **

“There was no way-” Josh started again, and Tyler just sat there with a cocky grin on his face.  ****  
** **

“Stop smiling like that!” Josh whined collapsing onto the bed next to Tyler, the frame creaking under the sudden weight. “Let's play Mario Kart instead.” ****  
** **

“No thanks.” Tyler said, setting the controller down. “I think I'll keep my winning streak for today.” ****  
** **

At Tyler’s words, Josh his bottom lip stuck out, giving the best puppy-dog eyes he could. Tyler tossed his head back, laughing at Josh’s pout, and covering his eyes so it didn't work on him.  ****  
** **

“C'mon, Ty.” He whined, climbing onto Tyler's chest and trying to wrench his hands away from his eyes. Tyler kept laughing and didn't budge, and Josh eventually got off of him with a huff.   ****  
** **

The brunette was still giggling to himself, even with the dirty looks the Josh was sending him, as he got up to disconnect the controllers and shut the TV off.  Josh's facade eventually broke and he laughed lightly, picking up his phone to check the time.  ****  
** **

“What time did we get home?” He asked, peering up to meet Tyler's gaze.  ****  
** **

“Around 8.” ****  
** **

“Huh.” He said simply. “It's already 10:30.” ****  
** **

“Wow,” Tyler said, scratching the back of his head and smirking. “I guess time really flies when you're losing.”  ****  
** **

“Shut up!” He whisper-shouted, tossing a piece of laundry at Tyler. Tyler caught the cloth, balled it up, and tossed it onto the laundry basket in the corner of the room, sending Josh a smirk. ****  
** **

Josh huffed once more and threw a jacket over his shoulders.  ****  
** **

“Leaving so soon?” Tyler said once he caught his breath again. ****  
** **

“Yeah, it's getting kinda late.” ****  
** **

“Can you stay?” The desperation in his voice showed clear as day. “Please?” The other boy added.  ****  
** **

“I wish I could.” He said, his voice genuine. “See you Monday, yeah?” He had already propped the window open, the soft light from the crescent moon bathing the room in pale grey light. ****  
** **

“Wait, Josh, before you go.” Josh peered over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow, so Tyler continued. “Remember when I went to the Jewellers today?” He glanced at the small white paper bag on his desk. ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He said worriedly, turning his body to fully face the brunette. “Is something wrong?” ****  
** **

“No? I mean- well, no.”  ****  
** **

“Then what is it?” Josh pressed, raising a confused eyebrow.  ****  
** **

“Look, I don't really know how else to put this.” He said, standing up and snatching a bag off of the table. “But I wanted to ask you something.” ****  
** **

“What?” Josh said, annoyment from the stalling apparent in his tone. ****  
** **

Tyler hesitated. He removed the items from the bag, discarding the paper on the floor. In his hands now were two similar, rectangular gray boxes. The only differentiator between the two was a the fact that one had a big “J” on it.  ****  
** **

“Tyler.” Josh said again, his patience reaching its end. He had to get to the other side of town,  _ quick,  _ for a car job he was doing for a complete stranger.  _ Hey, money is money, it doesn’t matter where you get it from. _ ****  
** **

“Josh,” He looked down. “Will you be my boyfriend?” He blurted suddenly. ****  
** **

“ _ What?”  _ ****  
** **

_ “ _ Will you be my boyfriend?” He said again but with more confidence, looking Josh right in the eye. ****  
** **

“Tyler, we’re already dating, right? You- I don't understand.” ****  
** **

“Look, Josh.” He sighed, crossing the distance between them. “When we first agreed to be together, I thought my feelings were petty and would eventually fade. I didn't think they were real, honestly, and I thought after a couple of days I'd go right back to not caring about you. Like, I thought it was a phase, kind of what m-my parents and my church say about stuff like that.” He ran a hand through his hair and looked down. “A couple of hours after our… first fight, I realized that I never wanted to hurt you like that ever again. I really cared about you, and that's when I knew my feelings for you weren't going anywhere. But, I was still nervous about what other people would think.” Guilt flashed across his features, clearly visible even in the low light of the room. “I didn't want to put a label on us. Even though, we were together, we never said we were dating and we never called each other ‘boyfriend.’ I was secretly grateful. I didn't want to come to terms with the fact I had feelings  _ for a boy. _ I convinced myself that you'd eventually get tired of me and leave anyway, so there was no need to put a label on us. Whatever we were.” He looked up finally, looking at Josh with nothing less that admiration shining in his eyes. “But you stuck around. And you proved time and time again that you deserve more than what I can give. I’ll try my best for you.”  ****  
** **

Josh opened his mouth to interject but Tyler interrupted.  ****  
** **

“I want to swear something to you, Josh.” He started running his fingers over the edges of the box. “I want to swear to you that I will help you through anything, because you damn well deserve it. Especially because you do that for me every single day. I will stay with you no matter what.” He began to sound more confident, his hand balling up into a fist by his side. “We will make it. Whatever we are fighting through, I swear to god that we will make it out. I'll do everything I can to make sure that we come out okay. And, I swear to you that I will keep fighting for you. I  _ will try my hardest to  _ stay alive for you.” ****  
** **

“Tyler…” He was truly at a loss for words. ****  
** **

“And I want you to promise me the same things.” His posture relaxed. He finally opened the gray box with the “J” on it. Looped around his forefinger was a thin but lengthy chain. On the end were two swinging pendants with engravings on them. Josh had to squint to see it.  ****  
** **

There were two hands visible on the silver, linked together by each of their pinkies. On the other, smaller one, there was a 3D block matching “J,” similar to the one on the box. It was a simple design, but the meaning it carried was enough to make Josh feel weak in the knees. ****  
** **

“Consider this like a renewal of our vows.” ****  
** **

Josh snorted. ****  
** **

“Will you be my boyfriend, J?”” He placed his hand around the back of Josh’s neck. Josh still hadn’t fully found his tongue, so he hurried to nod, a quiet whimper escaping his throat as Tyler guided his head to the crook of his own neck. Josh regulated his breathing, inhaling the cedar scent of Tyler’s aftershave.  ****  
** **

“Thank you, J. For everything.” Tyler said once they pulled away. He pressed their foreheads together, and Josh could feel the warmth radiating from his sweat-covered face. “Can I put it on you?” Josh turned his back to Tyler in response.  ****  
** **

Soon, the pendants were swinging against Josh’s broad chest, glinting slightly with the light. Tyler spun him around and kissed him lovingly on his forehead. He removed his leather jacket, baring his right wrist towards Josh. Around it was a chain wrapped around it multiple times to make a make-do bracelet. _ An identical chain,  _ Josh realized, except instead of “J,” a crooked “T” swung from the chain.  ****  
** **

“Promise?” Tyler stuck up his pinkie.  ****  
** **

“Promise.” Josh eventually whispered, linking their pinkies together. Tyler pushed their thumbs together, while their pinkies were still linked, and kissed the crest where they met. He was beaming, and Josh just had to smile back.  ****  
** **

Tyler leaned in to kiss him on the lips, moving his lips slowly and lovingly, but almost teasingly.  ****  
** **

“I’ll tell everyone about us soon, okay?” ****  
** **

Josh merely nodded and stole one more innocent peck before zipping up his jacket and walking over to the window.  ****  
** **

“Monday?” ****  
** **

“See you.” Tyler sent him one last wide grin, and he responded with a small one before slipping out and closing the window behind him. He was balancing on the outside sill with the tips of his toes, eternally grateful for the control over his feet he had thanks to drumming. He scanned the siding of the house, trying to find something to support his weight so he could swing down to the lawn.  ****  
** **

He grabbed a nearby pipeline, going from the gutter into the ground, to give himself purchase as he dangled from his right arm. He felt the gauze ride up a bit as the white hot pain stemming from his shoulder spread through his arm and chest. It had been hurting dully since Thursday, but luckily, it was probably nothing more than a slight dislocation. He swung back and forth, bracing himself for the two-story drop, and landed silently and with much practice on the lawn.  ****  
** **

He raised his right arm, the dislocated one, above his head and bit through the blinding pain. He did this quickly, having much experience. He put his right palm against his back, and put his left hand on his elbow, applying a bit of pressure. He breathed in relief when the shoulder popped back into place, and he shrugged a few times to test his movement.  ****  
** **

It was still a bit sore, but he would live.  ****  
** **

He adjusted the snapback on his head and began walking, enjoyed the cool breeze against his skin. The night was young, and he had to resist the urge to find a secluded place and get as high as the clouds.  ****  
** **

He was done with that. He had to put all of that behind him, because the man who adored the most wanted him to fight and get better. And he would try as hard as he could.  ****  
** **

He smiled a bit at the thought of Tyler, as he always did, and tipped his head up. He took a couple of deep breaths, slightly surprised that they didn’t morph into brutal coughs, and slipped his phone out of his pocket.  ****  
** **

He gripped the necklace around his neck tightly, which clinked with the movement, and opened up the messages app. He took another deep breath, to inspire courage in him. He held his breath as he sent a quick text to Brendon. He was giddy as it sent, smiling even as he shut his phone off. He wanted to enjoy the silence of the night for now.  ****  
** **

_ Josh: i think i’m in love _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At more than 6k, this chapter is the longest one to date. 
> 
> What'd you guys think?


	15. Bar Soap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! If you're wondering, updates will be every other Sunday from now on.
> 
> Also, on a sadder note, this chapter is a bit of a downer, so be careful. Josh has a run-in with his father later on in this chapter and I will leave a warning as to where it begins and ends. There is also a bit of drug use of in this chapter, so beware of that too. 
> 
> ALSO, ALSO: I've been having a bit of writer's block with this fic, because the next major plot point happens almost three months from where the story is right now. I want your opinions on this because I want to do a time skip again (kinda), but like would it be awkward or too soon? I don't really know so let me know what you think!

It was day three of Josh’s withdrawals and Tyler was already feeling the strain. ****  
** **

The four boys were sitting at lunch, which was usually fun and carefree, but was currently tense and dead-silent as Josh had just snapped at Tyler for the fifth time in past fifteen minutes, and it was beginning to get annoying and, frankly, rude. ****  
** **

_ Deep breaths,  _ he reminded himself.  ****  
** **

Josh had told Tyler sometime on Saturday that his withdrawals had started. Tyler had asked him what he meant, and Josh had spent a full hour preparing Tyler for what he was going to experience in the next few days. ****  
** **

Those words had not prepared Tyler enough.  ****  
** **

Brendon was looking at the two expectantly, and eventually shot his most pissed off expression at the blue boy. Just then, Josh pulled his hood over his head and grabbed his backpack, walking out of the cafeteria without another word.  ****  
** **

“What’s going on with  _ him?” _ ****  
** **

Tyler opened his mouth to answer, but Dallon beat him to it, ramming his elbow into Brendon’s side.  ****  
** **

“Ow, Dal, what the hell?” Dallon quickly shushed him and cleared his throat. ****  
** **

“So what’s going on with that basketball scholarship, Tyjo?” He said, obviously trying to change the delicate subject.  ****  
** **

“Uhm,” He said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under the boys’ gaze. “I still haven't decided what I wanna do yet. A part of me says I should take it but I feel like I shouldn't. Maybe if they're scouts at the game this Friday I can get a better offer from a different school.” ****  
** **

“Who're we playing against again?” ****  
** **

“Springfield.” ****  
** **

“Damn it.” Dallon growled. “Those fuckers.” ****  
** **

“Same. I was hoping for an easy game.” ****  
** **

“Have you told your parents yet? It's been two months since you got the news.” ****  
** **

“No.” He groaned a bit. “You two are the only ones that know that I don’t want to take it.” ****  
** **

“Not even Josh?” Dallon asked, the surprise apparent on his face. ****  
** **

“Not yet, he doesn’t even know about the scholarship. I didn't tell him when it happened so it'd be weird if I randomly told him two months late. I just don't think he needs that right now.” ****  
** **

“Damn.” Dallon ran a hand over his face. “Sucks.” ****  
** **

Silence settled again over the table, and Brendon was still looking at him oddly. He fiddled with his food before getting up to throw it away.  ****  
** **

Suddenly the bell rung, and Tyler had never been more thankful to hear that sound. 

****

***

****

Tyler was sitting in his car, head in his hands, trying to collect himself enough to drive home safely. He had a massive headache and his body was starting to ache in that sort of way™. The ‘how are you even still moving, you're so goddamn tired’ kind of way. He didn't have practice until Thursday, and for that he was grateful, but he still had to go home and shoot those five-hundred free throws if he didn't want to get manhandled by his dad again. He shivered a bit at the memory. Zack had started walking home a while ago, so he just needed to find the energy to head home.  ****  
** **

Three rapt knocks on his driver's side window caused his head to shoot up so fast, his neck cracked.  ****  
** **

The boy on the other side of the glass cringed, but quickly recovered and gestured for Tyler to lower the window.  ****  
** **

“Hey.” Tyler said. ****  
** **

“Hey.” Josh responded quietly. His eyes were puffy and red, and his face was rosy and sweaty even though it was below freezing outside. “I've been a jerk today.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, no shit.” Tyler scoffed.  ****  
** **

“Sorry. I wanted to apologize in music or in study hall but my self-control still wasn't… there.” He lowered his head. “I'm sorry.” He said, flicking the pendant on his neck.  ****  
** **

“Hey.” Tyler said, lifting Josh's chin so their eyes met. “I said I'd be with you no matter what. A little sass won't scare me away.” ****  
** **

Josh smiled, in a relieved sort of way, and Tyler had to consciously remind himself not to smother the other boy's face in kisses. They were at school so Josh’s stunningly attractive face would just have to wait.  ****  
** **

“Scoot over, dude.” Josh clicked his tongue, snapping Tyler out of his daze. ****  
** **

“You craving ice cream again or something?” Tyler chuckled as he climbed over the console.  ****  
** **

“No, but I'm hungry as fuck all the time so let's go get food.”

****

***

****

Tyler looked up at the building Josh had parked in front of, before turning to face the other boy in complete bewilderment. ****  
** **

“Denny’s?” He asked. “Josh, it's the middle of the day!” ****  
** **

“So?” He said, locking Tyler’s car. “There's never a bad time of the day to get pancakes.” ****  
** **

“Wha-” Tyler started, but Josh was already walking towards the building. He groaned and hurried to follow the other boy.  ****  
** **

When Tyler stepped inside, the heat spread over his body straightaway. He slipped off his gloves and scanned the space, noting that Josh was already sitting at a booth with two menus, beckoning him over.  ****  
** **

“Dude, we're the only ones in here.” Tyler acknowledged as he sat down. ****  
** **

“More food for us I guess.” ****  
** **

“I don't think that's how it works.” Josh stuck his tongue and out Tyler giggled at the childish expression. ****  
** **

They ordered their food and it arrived shortly after, with them being the only ones in the restaurant. Josh looked youthfully excited as he began digging into his pancakes, smearing them in illegal amounts maple syrup.  ****  
** **

“So…” Tyler started. “How was today? I didn't see you much.”  ****  
** **

Josh hummed in agreement and stuffed his mouth with more food.  ****  
** **

“Eh,” He paused to wipe his mouth politely. “It was okay. But rough with the cravings and mood swings though.” He answered honestly. “How about you? How was your day?” ****  
** **

“I missed you.” He whined. Josh laughed around his fork before looking at Tyler disbelievingly. ****  
** **

“We've only been apart for a day though.” ****  
** **

“So?” Tyler pouted. “I can miss your cute little butt whenever I want.” ****  
** **

Josh dropped his fork, making a clinking sound on the ceramic, and put his hand over heart, gasping dramatically. ****  
** **

“ _ Little? _ ” He asked offendedly. “My butt may be cute, but it is  _ not  _ little.” ****  
** **

Tyler rolled his eyes. ****  
** **

“Yeah, you're right.” He decided. “You thick, girl.” ****  
** **

Josh buried his head in one of his hands, picking up the fork with the other, and locking his gaze on his barely finished food. ****  
** **

“Ugh,” He said, blushing. “I didn't want you to actually  _ say it _ .” He added, beet red. ****  
** **

Tyler chuckled at Josh’s adorable flush, feeling his heart pick up tempo in his chest. His pale skin was a pinkish tint now, the tips of his nose and ears were a much darker hue. His glinting single ear piercing radiated brightly, the reflected shimmer from the bright winter sky hitting the side of his cheek. The blue boy wasn’t wearing his usual snapback, leaving his hair delightfully chaotic and wild as it elegantly contrasted his facial features. Tyler could see the light from the window casted in Josh’s hazel eyes, filled with such joy and excitement, Tyler never wanted this to end. ****  
** **

They finished their meal in a comfortable silence. Tyler was scrolling through facebook when he heard Josh’s fork fall down to his plate.  ****  
** **

“Ugh, fuck.” He groaned, hand on his stomach. “I’m so full, dude.” ****  
** **

“I told you it was a bad idea to eat pancakes in the middle of the day.” Tyler smiled, poking at the last piece of bacon on his plate. ****  
** **

“Shut up, dude. Let me die in peace.” He tipped his head back, blue hair squished against the large windowsill.  ****  
** **

Tyler laughed as he called for the tab, and it took only a few seconds for someone to approach their table. ****  
** **

The waiter brought them bill before removing his apron and addressing them both.  ****  
** **

“My shift’s over, so if you boys need anything ask the lady over there.” He pointed behind the counter.  ****  
** **

Tyler nodded, but Josh responded with a small ‘thank you, sir’ that made him swoon. ****  
** **

“You boys have a nice day.” He said as he turned to leave.  ****  
** **

“You too.” They both said back.  ****  
** **

Once they were alone again, Tyler reached for the bill, but Josh swatted his hand away and picked it up himself.  ****  
** **

“It's on me.” He said smiling minutely. “It's the least I could do after making you deal with my shit.” ****  
** **

“Hey.” Tyler chided. “I gladly and by choice deal with your shit.” ****  
** **

“Thanks.” Josh snorted, but smiled nonetheless. “You're a real one.” ****  
** **

He pulled out his wallet, his already fading blue curls cascading over his face.  ****  
** **

“How much is standard tip?” He mumbled, sifting through the few bills in his wallet.  ****  
** **

“Fifteen percent I think.” ****  
** **

He shut his eyes for about three seconds before opening his wallet again. ****  
** **

“$3.42.” He muttered quietly. ****  
** **

“You calculated fifteen percent that fast?”  ****  
** **

Josh chuckled. “I'm not in AP statistics for no reason.”  ****  
** **

Tyler pouted, off put by Josh’s apparent mathematical prowess. He was only in Pre-calc himself. ****  
** **

Josh pulled out the exact amount of cash, including tip, and tucked it between the folds of the tab. Tyler took this as a cue, so he beckoned the waitress over.  ****  
** **

Josh began to hand her the bill, before he froze mid-movement and his jaw dropped.  ****  
** **

“Debby?”  ****  
** **

_ Wait, who was Debby? _ ****  
** **

“Well, well.” The waitress chuckled dryly. “If it isn't Joshua Dun.” ****  
** **

From what Tyler could see,  _ Debby  _ was a bit shorter than Josh, with flowing blonde hair that curled at the ends and large brown eyes. Her eyelashes and her nails were done, and along with her perfect makeup, she looked beyond gorgeous. Hell, she’d probably look gorgeous without all of that.  ****  
** **

Josh quickly stood up to give the girl a hug, which she happily accepted. The second Josh's arms wrapped around her, Tyler felt shifted in his seat, averting his gaze and sitting on the back of his clammy palms. ****  
** **

After the two had finished saying their greetings, Josh stood in between him and Debby.  ****  
** **

“Tyler, this is Debby.” Josh said. “She's… an old friend of mine.” ****  
** **

Debby snickered.  ****  
** **

“Debby,” Josh ignored her outburst. “As you know, this is Tyler.” ****  
** **

Debby outstretched his hand.  ****  
** **

“Nice to meet you.” She said sweetly, but Tyler could tell there wasn't an ounce of genuineness in her words.  ****  
** **

“Nice to meet you too.” He rushed out awkwardly, lifting his hand up to meet hers. Her hands were freezing, and for a second, Tyler almost couldn't breathe. ****  
** **

He drew his hand back as quickly as he could, taking deep breaths to steady his heart rate.  ****  
** **

_ Why do I have such a bad feeling about this? _ ****  
** **

Debby grabbed the tab and placed their dirty plates on a tray, tucking them under her arm.  ****  
** **

“Joshua?” She continued when the boy looked at her. “I was thinking about blowing off work and going back home. Wanna tag along?” Her eyes suddenly narrowed as her gaze fixed on the brunette. “Unless you have plans with  _ Tyler  _ over here.” Tyler piped up at her nasty tone. ****  
** **

“Actually-”  ****  
** **

“No.” Josh interrupted. “He was just leaving.” A look of regret flashed across the other boy's face, but he didn't try to go back on his words.  ****  
** **

“Yeah.” Tyler said, after a while, ignoring the smug look on Debby’s face. “I was.” ****  
** **

He picked his keys up, slipping his leather gloves back on, and started towards the door.  ****  
** **

“See you later, Josh.”  ****  
** **

The other boy wouldn't even meet his eyes.

****

***

****

It was about 6 o'clock now, two hours or so after Tyler had been at Denny’s with Josh. He was trying to finish some math homework, but he couldn't get what had happened earlier off of his mind. ****  
** **

He didn't know why he had such a bad feeling about her. ****  
** **

His first thought was that, though Josh was very open about his life back in Chicago, the blue boy had never mentioned a ‘Debby’. Not even once. And especially from the way they full on hugged each other, instead of giving each other a friendly side hug or something, Tyler could guess that they were pretty close.  ****  
** **

How close? Well,  He didn't know. ****  
** **

Tyler placed his pencil down, effectively giving up on homework for now. His temples were pulsing relentlessly, and he had to fight the urge to curl in a ball in the corner and stay there till the end of time.  ****  
** **

There was a knock, and the door swinging open seconds later. ****  
** **

“Tyler?” ****  
** **

“Yes, mom? What's up?” His voice came out low and gravely and tired, but it wasn't that different from how he felt. ****  
** **

“Your father wants you to come shoot your hoops now.” ****  
** **

“A have a lot of homework, so could I come down in an hour?” Truthfully he just didn't feel like shooting hoops. Or really ever picking up a basketball ever again. ****  
** **

“No,” His mother frowned sadly. “He wants you to do them before dinner, sorry sweetie.” ****  
** **

“Okay I'll be down in a second.” ****  
** **

The door shut.  ****  
** **

Tyler slid down to the floor from where he was seated in his desk chair. He groaned, letting his head fall back against the wood of the desk. ****  
** **

Eventually, he got up the energy to stand. He dressed lightly, just a long sleeved jersey and some sweatpants, and grabbed a basketball he kept aligned with the foot of his bed. He headed downstairs and out to the driveway without speaking to anyone. ****  
** **

The asphalt made a squeaking sound under his sneakers. He dropped the ball, watching it bounce back up to meet his calloused palms. He aligned himself with the center of the court.  ****  
** **

_ One. _ ****  
** **

The ball made a swishing sound as it passed through the net, missing the rim entirely, and bounced back on the pavement. The ball rolled to his feet so he picked it up and shot again. ****  
** **

_ Two. _ ****  
** **

He let his mind wander a bit. The monotonous routine of shooting hoops didn't require mental effort, really. ****  
** **

_ Three. _ ****  
** **

Josh.  ****  
** **

The boy was all he could think about now, in a good or bad light.  ****  
** **

_ Four.  _ ****  
** **

They had been together for only 4 months, and they'd already been through a shitload of stuff together. But most recently, there was Josh’s anxiety and, of course, his smoking.  ****  
** **

_ Five.  _ ****  
** **

Truthfully, Tyler hadn't actually thought the other boy's smoking had gotten to the point of addiction, but due to his withdrawals, it obviously had.  ****  
** **

_ Six.  _ ****  
** **

That was the whole reason Tyler bought them each the necklaces. He wanted Josh to always have a piece of him wherever he went, and know that Tyler was there for him. He had googled some facts about nicotine dependence earlier and, unsurprisingly, it's an extremely hard habit to break without support. Tyler was ready to devote every breath of his and every dollar in his wallet to support Josh. ****  
** **

It was the least he could do really. ****  
** **

_ Seven. _ ****  
** **

Throughout the four months of their secret relationship, Josh had been the only stable one. It was always Tyler calling the other boy up at two in the morning, or asking him to come over when he felt alone. But Josh never complained, and that was probably what put Tyler off the most. Tyler bugged him, and called him, and cried on his shoulder every week but the boy never said anything. He only listened to the brunette’s worries, occasionally passing the time with a cigarette, and comforted Tyler without question.  ****  
** **

This probably wouldn't bug Tyler as much if Josh wasn't going through something. ****  
** **

_ Eight. _ ****  
** **

It wasn't just a hunch, either. Tyler was almost 100% sure that Josh was struggling with something. And if his chronic smoking wasn't enough of a clue, there were his unexplained bruises, and scars, and burns, and his jumpiness, and the fact that his intimacy only went as far as cuddling.  ****  
** **

And that was odd in a way, but Tyler couldn't put his finger on it.  ****  
** **

Josh wasn't a virgin; that much Tyler had deduced. He even told him that he used to be with a girl couple of years ago, but he became “disgusted with himself,” and stopped. But Josh never tried to push his luck. He never tried to push Tyler into sex. And even when Tyler would tease him from time to time, they didn't go farther than making out. Josh always slowed him down when  _ Tyler himself  _ tried to take it a step further. ****  
** **

It was strange, to say the least. ****  
** **

It was almost as if he was uncomfortable, but, no that couldn't be true. Josh had slept with someone before they met, so he  _ couldn't  _ be uncomfortable with sex, right? ****  
** **

Right? ****  
** **

_ Nine.  _ ****  
** **

And then there was this whole other Debby thing. It was as recent as the same day, but something about her was just  _ off _ . Not to mention, when they recognized each other, they hugged. Not just hugged, it was a sweet embrace. It took Tyler weeks of friendship before Josh would even touch him like that, and he still didn't like it when Tyler touched from behind. Even pats on the shoulder and hugs from behind were completely off limits. Josh had made that very clear.  ****  
** **

But there was no hesitation when Josh hugged her, none at all.  ****  
** **

Now, this could just be because they were close before, because Josh hadn't mentioned how long they'd knew each other. Just that they were “old friends.” He was beginning to sound like the jealous boyfriend type, but the thing was that Josh wasn't a touchy person, and he valued personal space when could get it. Unless- ****  
** **

_ What if Debby was the person Josh slept with? _ ****  
** **

The basketball hit the rim, bouncing off without touching the net and landing back at Tyler’s feet. 

He felt sick.  ****  
** **

He didn't know why, but he did. It was probably between his own problems, Josh’s secrets, and Debby, but his head started to spin wildly. He keeled over, feeling the contents of his stomach rise dangerously high in his throat. ****  
** **

He didn't want to think anymore.  ****  
** **

He was about to sit down to catch his breath when the front porch door swung open.  ****  
** **

“What's up, kiddo?” His dad said, taking a seat on the stairs of the porch.  ****  
** **

“I feel sick.” He mumbled, just loud enough for his dad to hear.  ****  
** **

“I heard your shots stop.” It was almost as if his dad didn’t hear him. “Those scholarships aren’t going to pay for themselves.” ****  
** **

“But, Dad—” ****  
** **

“Don't test me again, son.” He warned, heading back inside the house.  ****  
** **

Tyler still felt incredibly ill, and he definitely didn’t want to continue his train of thought from earlier. He pulled out his phone and his earbuds he always had on him, slipping them in. He turned the volume up so high that his ears hurt a bit, but it blocked out any thoughts other than  _ dribble, aim, shoot _ .  ****  
** **

_ Ten. _

****

***

****

“So, how’ve you been?” Josh asked eagerly, as soon as they were seated in the car. ****  
** **

“Decent enough.” Debby said, lighting a fresh blunt. “Want one?” She gestured to it. ****  
** **

“No, I’m fine.” He shrugged. “I’ve been trying to get off of that stuff.” He mumbled. ****  
** **

Debby snorted, cackling wildly, and Josh just shrunk farther into his seat.  ****  
** **

“Wait,” She said, once she had caught her breath. “You’re serious?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” ****  
** **

She started the car, backing out of the spot. Debby put her hand on the back of Josh’s headrest in order to look through the back windshield. His breath hitched involuntary.  ****  
** **

“I can't believe it.” She said eventually. “You, Joshua Dun, are trying to quit. I thought I’d never see the day.” ****  
** **

“Me neither.” He responded truthfully. “I’m trying, and it’s only day three, and it’s already really hard.”  ****  
** **

The car was beginning to smell like weed, and Josh rolled down the window, taking deep breaths through his nose.  _ Maybe this was a mistake,  _ he thought _ ,  _ but he just wanted to spend time with her. It had been a long time since they’d, well, “talked,” and needless to say, Josh had missed her. A lot.  ****  
** **

“I take it things at home are better?” She blew the smoke out of her nostrils, not bothering to direct it outside of the car.  ****  
** **

“Nope.” Josh huffed, somewhat sadly. “If anything, they’re worse.” ****  
** **

“Huh.” She turned to look at him. “And you’re still trying to quit?” ****  
** **

“Seems like the odds are against me, right?” ****  
** **

Debby snorted again, pushing the car into park.  ****  
** **

“Get out. We’re home.” ****  
** **

Josh obeyed, shutting the door behind him, and followed Debby, who was already unlocking her door. ****  
** **

The one-story house was a complete mess, but in an, almost, comforting way. The smell of weed and fireball was thick from the moment Josh walked in the door. There were piles of clothes, covered in multicolored stains, everywhere in the house. There were only small aisles, where the junk was pushed aside to create walkways. Fist-sized holes littered the brown walls, so deep that rusted pipes were visible from the front door.  ****  
** **

It was strange really, that Josh felt safer here than he did at his own home.  ****  
** **

“Shut the damn door.” She growled, grabbing a bottle of whisky from the kitchen. Josh hurried to obey, not wanting to invoke her wrath. He then went about closing the blinds, and shutting the curtains, almost tripping over an unfinished bottle of beer. The liquid got on the end of his jeans, thickly tainting the fabric with the putrid smell. He could usually stand the presence of alcohol, but beer made his stomach churn. He’d sworn a long time ago that he’d never touch the stuff, and so far, he was so disgusted by alcohol that he’d kept his promise. ****  
** **

“Thanks.” She said when the room was cloaked in darkness. She tipped the whisky bottle up, draining a quarter of it in one go. Josh walked up to the couch where she was at, and took a seat on the floor.  ****  
** **

“Shit.” He winced when a piece of shattered glass when through his palm. He pulled the shard out, sighing when he realized the cut was probably more than an inch deep. He knew that Debby probably didn’t have a bandage or any medical supplies, so he instead put pressure on the wound with his free hand. ****  
** **

“Did you get bored in Chicago or something?” Josh asked quietly. ****  
** **

“Nah, not really.” She slurred a bit. “Felt too cramped in that city. I heard you moved here so I decided to come join ya.” ****  
** **

“No college?” Josh shut his eyes, the pain in his hand dulling a bit. “You graduated last year.” ****  
** **

“I went for a month but it wasn’t really my thing. Plus, business was good so there wasn’t really a point in going.” ****  
** **

Josh hummed understandingly.  ****  
** **

“I don't think I’m gonna go either.” He said eventually.  ****  
** **

“Why not? You could do great things with that super-brain of yours.”   


“I guess,” He shrugged, still not opening his eyes. “But my passion’s really drumming. I want to join a band one day and tour the world by the time I’m thirty. If I make that far.” ****  
** **

“Even with that 4.8 GPA?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He groaned. “Kinda hate the fact that school’s easy for me. It would make it easier for me choose what to do with me life.” ****  
** **

She patted his head, screwing up his snapback from where it was seated on his head. ****  
** **

“You’ll figure it out eventually.” She said, and Josh nodded, closing out the conversation. ****  
** **

He crossed his ankles in front of him, watching as Debby flicked on the TV to some weird cartoon channel. The screen served as another dim source of light, aside from the many lava lamps across the room. She waved a bag of something in front of his face. Blunts. ****  
** **

“I’ve got indica, Josh.” She said teasingly, drawing out the syllables of his name. Yep, she was high out of her mind.  ****  
** **

“Debby, I’m not doing that stuff anymore.” ****  
** **

“But, c’mon.” She whined. “Weed isn't addictive, you know that. And are you really gonna pass up the indica strain?” ****  
** **

“I-” Josh paused. The offer was unbelievably tempting. It’s true, weed wasn’t the thing he was addicted it to; it was nicotine. And plus it had been a while since he’d had indica, about a year. He’d only been able to get flavorless strains in Columbus, especially since he didn’t have as much money as he used to.  ****  
** **

He sighed as he grabbed the bag from her, and she giggled widely, handing him a lighter. He lit it carefully, letting it balance between he lips before taking his first drag. He laughed lightly as the familiar warmth filled his lungs. He held the smoke there, until it started to burn, breathing it out through pursed lips, forming spirals and shrinking rings. Debby placed a hand on his chest and he relaxed into the touch.  ****  
** **

He sighed contently, the incessant babbling of the TV crackling in the background.  ****  
** **

Fuck, he’d missed this.

****

***

****

Josh was walking home, swaying unsteadily on intoxicated feet as he stumbled back home in the dead of night. He'd lost count of how many things he'd smoked, but he had enough sense to choose to walk home to give himself time to sober up. The last few hours had been spent laughing uncontrollably and forming crazy designs with smoke, and honestly, Josh hadn't felt this at peace with himself in long time. ****  
** **

He tripped over a stray rock in his way, too giddy to keep his balance, and fell flat on his stomach. The situation was suddenly hilarious, as he began rolling around in the grass, laughing so hard he might've passed out if he kept going. But he kept rolling nonetheless, the midnight dew seeping into his cloth hoodie, and tickling his ribs. ****  
** **

He was on his back now, peering up at the black sky, and the lack of stars sprinkling against it. He was still breathing rather erratically, a giggle escaping his lips every so often, but the high was slowly leaving him. ****  
** **

He'd be lying if he said he didn't already miss it. ****  
** **

He slipped his phone out of his pocket then, toying with home button for a bit. It took him awhile to realize that he still hadn't turned it on since almost three days before. He held the power switch until the bitten white apple appeared on his screen. The phone was still in the process of rebooting, so he occupied himself with taking slow breaths through his nose. He heard his insides wheeze with the rush of air, and other than a spike of worry in his chest, he ignored it.  ****  
** **

The bright light from his lock screen brought his attention back to the device. ****  
** **

He sighed a bit as all of his unanswered messages popped up on the screen. There were a few from his dad (which he deleted without reading), even a few from Tyler and one from Debby, but the majority of them were from Brendon.  ****  
** **

_ What did Brendon want? _ ****  
** **

He dealt with that problem first, calling the boy immediately. He also decided to get up off his ass and continue walking home, as it was getting darker by the minute. He picked up on the second ring. ****  
** **

_ “Josh!” _ ****  
** **

“Yeah, what's up, man?” ****  
** **

_ “I've been calling you fucking nonstop and you're gonna hit me with a “What's up?” what the fuck dude.” _ ****  
** **

“Sorry man.” He groaned. “My phone’s been off since Saturday. What's the problem?” ****  
** **

_ “You texted me you were in love with someone, bro.” _ ****  
** **

Josh froze, before he groaned and felt his face heat up.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, I, uh…. I forgot about that.” ****  
** **

_ “Well?” _ ****  
** **

“Well what?” ****  
** **

_ “Who has stolen baby Joshie’s heart?” _ ****  
** **

“Shut up.” He huffed. “I'm not just gonna  _ tell you _ .” ****  
** **

_ “Hint?” _ ****  
** **

“Okay.” ****  
** **

_ “What color are their eyes?” _ ****  
** **

“Brown. The most beautiful shade of mocha I've ever seen in my life.” ****  
** **

_ “Ugh.”  _ Brendon gagged and the line went silent for a moment.  _ “Hair color?” _ ****  
** **

“Like a chocolate. But like, sometimes, it's really fluffy, so it looks golden in some light-” He cut himself off. “Dude, I've got it bad, don't I?” ****  
** **

_ “Yeah, fuck, you do.”  _ ****  
** **

He kicked a rock off the driveway to his house, sighing to himself.  ****  
** **

“I have to go now.” ****  
** **

_ “Don't fret, Daddy Brendon will figure your crush out in no time.” _ ****  
** **

Josh groaned yet again, but smiled a bit to himself. “Don't ever call yourself that again.”  ****  
** **

_ “I don't know, you seem to like it, baby Joshie-” _ ****  
** **

“Fuck off, Urie.” He interrupted, hanging up on the other boy.  ****  
** **

His driveway was empty, not a sight of the Audi his dad took to the pub every so often. His high hadn't completely faded, so he didn't want to risk climbing up a house in the dark and breaking a bone. Again. ****  
** **

He fumbled with the keys and slid them into the lock. Normally, he'd be trembling so much that he wouldn't be able to aim the key, but the indica was working wonders and he opened the door on the first try. ****  
** **

The lights were off when he entered, a sinking pit taking its place in his stomach. The putrid smell of alcohol and strong spirits that permanently stained the walls filled his lungs, causing them to burn. He flipped the light switch. ****  
** **

He never really came through the front door, so every time he did, it was a new experience. The house was small; only two stories and 1,500 square feet. But what it lacked in size, it made up for in design and character.  ****  
** **

It had a cabin like feel, with high ceilings and large chandeliers that hung from them. The walls were made of sanded wood, a bright tawny color, and enclosed the open concept area. Everything was is in view from the front door, including the living area, the eat in kitchen, and the assigned dining area. A huge greystone fireplace tied the feel of the space together. ****  
** **

The otherwise relaxed and happy environment was ruined by the ugliness of misfortune. ****  
** **

Around him were shards of broken glass and cracked beer bottles, syringes filled with heroin and bags of weed. The odor in the home was unbearable, a mix of sweat and uncomfortable heat.  ****  
** **

Unsurely, Josh pulled out his phone to check the time, relief coursing through him when the numbers appeared on the screen. It was just after midnight, and his dad usually didn't get home from the bar until 2. He had time. ****  
** **

He pocketed his phone, pulling his last blunt from his pocket, lighting it, and grabbed a broom. Quickly, he swept up the shattered glass and mountains of trash, throwing them in a garbage bag nearby. He grabbed the piles of dirty clothing, sorting them by color, and dragging them off to the side to take to the laundromat on the weekend. He grabbed a sponge, scrubbing at the dark stains on the wooden walls.  ****  
** **

He was in process of washing the dishes, the almost finished blunt hanging from his lips, humming a small tune to himself, when he heard the door creak open. The wet teacup he was washing slipped out of his hand and shattered against the metal of the sink. ****  
** **

 

****Be careful, you guys****

 

His father's half tucked in polo was torn at the side seam, and wet with some sticky liquid. His fly was undone and his tearing leather belt was unbuckled. His graying hair was slick with something that didn't look like sweat, and there was a deep bruise below his right eye. ****  
** **

_ Bar fight.  _ Josh snorted internally.  _ Serves him right. _ ****  
** **

The man didn't seem to notice Josh and stumbled over to the living area, and flipping on the TV and grabbing an unfinished bottle of tequila. Josh gulped nervously, snuffing out the smoke against his wrist, and shuffled towards the staircase.  ****  
** **

“Did I say you could leave?” His dad boomed without turning around.  ****  
** **

Josh laughed. ****  
** **

_He_ _fucking laughed._ ** **  
****

The fresh indica in his system brought lightheartedness to this dangerous situation. He laughed until there were tears in his eyes and an ache in his stomach. He wiped his face, glancing up to look at the man across from him.  ****  
** **

His father turned around, a look of pure disbelief on his face. Josh almost felt victorious, but it was short lived.  ****  
** **

His dad was in front of him in a flash, his hairy forearm pressed against Josh's throat. Josh was mid-inhale, and the pressure to get the air out of him was already building. ****  
** **

He thrashed, struggling to free his hands, as his met his father's gaze, his chest freezing when he did. There was nothing but coldness in those brown eyes. Nothing but a sickening coldness and brutal bloodlust and a festering disgust.  ****  
** **

The edges of his vision were beginning to blur and darken, but he refused to yield. In a split second decision, Josh bent his knee, bucking his kneecap straight into his father's crotch. When the old man let go of him out of surprise, Josh struck again, hitting him square in the jaw. ****  
** **

“Burn in hell, you dead old man.” Josh spat, standing over his father without even a tremble in his fingers.  ****  
** **

He thought the fight was over. ****  
** **

Instead, there was a fist in his hair, and another one slamming into his stomach. Just below the center of his ribcage. He felt his bones shudder in his body, and his throat become slick with blood. ****  
** **

He was pinned against the wall again, this time by his hair. He was sobering up quickly now, the severity of the situation was clearing up his mind.  ****  
** **

“You gonna speak to your father like that?” His voice was low and hoarse, with a slight edge of excitement Josh didn't like. ****  
** **

When Josh didn't answer, the man slammed Josh's head back into the wood with brutal force. Tears sprung to his eyes when he felt blood trickle down the back of his head and onto his neck. ****  
** **

“I think you oughta be punished for your language.” ****  
** **

Josh was off his feet in seconds, his dad dragging him by the hair into the kitchen area. His dad forced him into a half bent position, with his chest flat against the edge of the sink. He could still see the shattered pieces of the teacup from earlier. ****  
** **

“Open your mouth.” His dad spat. Josh only pressed his lips tighter together and shook his head. ****  
** **

His dad only laughed, pinching the boy's nostrils together. Josh sputtered, trying to inhale, but unable to get any air through his nose, as it was pinched shut. His mouth opened to inhale involuntarily, and he barely took half a breath before there was something filling it.  ****  
** **

The bar of soap laid flat against his tongue, his mouth quickly filled with bubbles. The taste was disgusting, and he tried to spit it out, but his dad's dirty hand was holding it in place. ****  
** **

“We have to wash out your mouth, right?” Josh didn't have to turn around to check, the smile had seeped through his tone. “Eat it.” He said coldly. ****  
** **

Josh felt his throat close at that and he whimpered loudly, trying to plead with the older man wordlessly. ****  
** **

His forehead was pushed in the broken ceramics, blood springing up from new cuts there. There was an elbow slamming into his side, and the air being knocked out of his body. His chest rattled, emitting small wheeze as his dad spoke again. ****  
** **

“Don't make me repeat myself again.” ****  
** **

Josh gulped, feeling the blood in his mouth mix with the soap. He sunk his molars down into the bar, scraping the soap off and swallowing the strips down his throat.  ****  
** **

“Good boy.” His dad cooed, petting his back and loosening his grip on the boy’s wrists.  ****  
** **

Josh had downed an eighth of the bar before there was a sharp chop to the underside of his throat, causing him to spit out a the soap along with a trail of blood. He felt sick to his stomach. His dad pushed him down to his knees. ****  
** **

“Apologize.” He said, towering over him. ****  
** **

“I'm sorry, sir.” Josh mumbled, shutting his eyes. He could feel his hands shaking against his body, but it all felt so far away. ****  
** **

“For what?” ****  
** **

“For disrespecting my father.” Josh had this dialogue practically memorized. ****  
** **

“And?” ****  
** **

“If I disobey, I should be punished in any way seen fit.” His voice cracked near the end, but quickly went back to its emotionless state. ****  
** **

His father grabbed his hair, lifting up his head, but Josh only screwed his eyes shut harder. ****  
** **

“Who do you belong to?” He whispered, his hot breath right against his cheek. ****  
** **

“You.” He whispered, his shaking violently intensifying. A slap against his cheek caused him to open his eyes, tears spilling out of them as they did. ****  
** **

“Look at me when I'm speaking to you.” He said gently, his eyes vastly different from his tone. “Who do you belong to?” ****  
** **

“You.” He said, his body slumping in defeat as his voice began resembling a shriek. “I belong to you!”  ****  
** **

“Good.” His father smiled before letting go of Josh’s hair.  He crumpled into a heap on the floor, humiliation sitting on his throat like a collar he couldn't take off.  ****  
** **

Warm spit landed on his cheek and he gagged, the horrid smell that came with it making him to want to puke his guts out. A bottle shattered next to his head as well, and he screamed out of pure terror, tripping over his feet in a desperate attempt to get away. His dad laughed, obviously amused by Josh's distress, before spitting again and walking out of the house. ****  
** **

Josh tried to crawling to the staircase, his vision slowly blurring and his throat tightened. He could still feel blood trickling out of the numerous new wounds, and he willed himself to stay in control. He pulled himself up, step by step, more silent tears spilling out of his eyes with each stab of pain that coursed through his body with each movement.  ****  
** **

He staggered into his room, barely closing the door before collapsing on to the floor again. Control was slipping through his fingers as his breathing quickened tenfold and his muscles began to contract. ****  
** **

He was reliving it again. ****  
** **

The hands on his throat, the pulling of his hair, the soapy taste in his mouth, the cuts on his face, the bruise on his stomach, the blood slicking his throat, the humiliation, everything came back at the same time and he was defenseless against it. ****  
** **

His brain was numbing by the second. ****  
** **

“Tyler…” It came out as less than a rushed whisper. “Help me… Tyler, please.” His clarity was dropping with each world. ****  
** **

His mouth was foaming at the edges, and his eyes rolled up into his head. ****  
** **

“I need you, Tyler.” ****  
** **

And then he started to seize.

****

****Alright, the scene's over****

 

Tyler huffed to himself. ****  
** **

It was just after two in the morning and he hadn’t even gotten a wink of sleep. ****  
** **

His limbs felt heavy beside him, as if he’d walked down an endless road, but instead, he’d just wallowed in his own tears. And the stupid thing was, he didn’t even know why he was crying. ****  
** **

It was pathetic, really. ****  
** **

He was falling into his third panic attack of the night, and the only thing keeping him somewhat grounded was the cool metal of the promise necklace swinging against his wrist. He’d bought it for Josh, but honestly it seemed like he needed it more. His breathing was short, but he groaned in pain anyway when his headache intensified when another sob racked his body.   ****  
** **

It felt like everything had been crashing down, and he’d been too oblivious to notice until it was too late. It was all just too overwhelming. ****  
** **

He didn't want to go to college.  ****  
** **

It was stupid, but he just didn't want to go. He knew it didn't  _ sound  _ like a big deal, but in reality it was the whole point of his parents’ struggle thus far. His parents had busted their asses buying this house so he could go to the school with the best basketball program in Ohio. His dad had worked extremely hard to put fifty grand in Tyler's name for college expenses.  ****  
** **

He loved basketball, but he hated all of the pressures his family put on him because of it. He wanted to play music. He wanted to travel the world by the time he was thirty. He wanted to perform his writing in sold-out arenas and hear the crowd sing back every word. But it was just a dream. A dream that had to die because it was impractical and borderline impossible.  ****  
** **

It made more sense to go to college. It made more sense to graduate with a 3.7 GPA and get a good paying job and start a family with a woman he loved. That was the plan his parents had had in mind for all of his life. He wanted to make them happy, of course, but he also wanted to chase his dream more than anything.  ****  
** **

It was so unfair. He could have had supportive parents, but instead he was stuck with parents that couldn't care less about how he felt. But he couldn't really complain, could he? Plenty of people had it worse. Some people couldn't even afford to go to college, and he got to choose his fate, yet he was  _ still  _ bitching about it.  ****  
** **

God, he hated himself. ****  
** **

He just had to suck it up and go to college. He was the oldest child, the one who was to be the role model for his family.  ****  
** **

What kind of role model didn't pursue a higher education? ****  
** **

What kind of role model cried all of the fucking time? ****  
** **

What kind of role model barely could find the energy to smile or eat? ****  
** **

What kind of role model was dating another guy? ****  
** **

His mind was pushing him down a path of thought in which he definitely did not want to follow. But he was helpless against it, so he buried his head in his arms and wept some more.  ****  
** **

He needed Josh.  ****  
** **

_ He's probably fucking Debby into the sheets right now. _ ****  
** **

A pitiful whimper escaped his lips as he pleaded with his mind to  _ just shut up _ . ****  
** **

His breathing came out in sort puffs, his trembling exaggerating, his felt the tips of his limbs go numb.  ****  
** **

He needed Josh. ****  
** **

He needed him more than he needed air or water. He needed Josh more than he needed the approval of his family or his church. He needed his curls more than he wanted to make others happy. He needed his sunshine smile more than he wanted to be a good role model. He needed his melodic laugh that could bring out the sun more than he needed anything else. ****  
** **

Why did he feel this way about Josh? Why he didn’t he need Jenna that much? ****  
** **

Because he was a fucking failure who had feelings for another guy.  ****  
** **

A guy who was addicted to nicotine. A guy who barely went to church and didn’t pray every night. A guy who fucked around with girls. A guys who kept more secrets than he told. A guy with a childhood torn apart by divorce. A guy with the sweetest personality and the brightest smile. A guy who was amazingly talented and incredibly intelligent. A guy who was great with kids. A guy who was the most caring person he’d ever met and always put others before himself.  ****  
** **

Tyler sighed to himself as his hand went up to grip his hair as tight as it could.  ****  
** **

He was thinking too much. ****  
** **

Josh could do a lot better than the weepy, indecisive mess Tyler was. He could do better than the ugly, inconsiderate person Tyler was always going to be. Josh probably only sticking around because he felt sorry for Tyler and his never ending pit of problems. ****  
** **

His vision was starting to blur.  ****  
** **

He needed Josh. ****  
** **

But Josh didn’t need him.

****

***

****

Josh came to sprawled out on his back against the carpet floor, covered in saliva and fresh blood. There was an ache in his head, one in his stomach, one in his throat, and an incredible burning singeing him from the inside out. Adrenaline was still coursing through his veins and he knew it was only a matter of time before it worsened. ****  
** **

He pulled out his phone. ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: hey can i come over _ ****  
** **

His fingers hurt as they tapped across the screen. The reply came a couple of minutes later, when Josh bit through the pain embedded in his spine and sat up. Blood was running down his face, grazing his eyebrows and dripping off the tip of his nose, but truthfully that was probably the least of his problems. ****  
** **

_ Debby: why are u ok _ ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: yeah m fine but i just really need to come over ok _ ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: please _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: the door is open _ ****  
** **

Josh stood up, pocketing the device, and steadying himself.  ****  
** **

He slid open his window, sitting on the sill for a few seconds, before jumping down to lawn in one movement. The soles of his tattered sneakers became soaked as the shooting pain in his knees from the landing spread up into his stomach. He limped in the direction of the girl's house.  ****  
** **

Why didn't he just go to his room? He could've easily avoided this if he'd just ignored the mess and gone to sleep. He'd brought this upon himself. It was all his fault that- ****  
** **

He slid his earbuds in, turning them up to the highest volume and effectively ignoring his phone's warning. He didn't care.  ****  
** **

He stuffed his hands into his pockets, blowing out air through his cheeks. The cold mist formulated in front of his face, and it was then that he realized how much he missed smoking. It was only the third day, yes, but it had been an eternity since he'd last lit a cigarette. He missed the way the smoke filled his lungs, and the way that when he breathed out, all of his problems left him along with the air. He was quitting for Tyler though, and it would be the understatement of the year to say that he didn't already regret his promise. He never explicitly  _ promised _ to stop smoking, he knew that, but Tyler had so much faith in him to quit, and he didn’t have it in him to let him down. ****  
** **

He was in love with Tyler.  ****  
** **

There wasn't really any doubt in his mind now. The boy was the love of his life. Even in his seized state, the only coherent thought he could form was about the boy. From the way that he his eyebrows raised when he laughed, or the way that his rasp deepened when he talked about something close to him, or even the way his beautiful brain was able to construct thoughtful lyrics and entire universes, Josh was in love with every aspect of this boy. Not to mention, Tyler was gorgeous. His tanned body perfectly enhanced by the subtle definition of his muscles he gained from athletics. His face, framed by long eyelashes, was perfect as well, even the small imperfections on it only served to make him more enjoyable to look at.  ****  
** **

The boy was uniquely flawless. ****  
** **

He deserved a boyfriend who wasn’t addicted to all sorts of drugs, or a boy who able to be truthful or at least emotionally available. He deserved so much more than Josh, a frail pushover who couldn’t even defend himself. He deserved so much more that a boyfriend who was scared shitless of his own father. He deserved more than a boy who did whatever it took to save his own ass, at the expense of his own dignity, the only substantial thing he had to his name. ****  
** **

But Tyler didn't know a word of this about Josh. He knew nothing about what could make Josh relapse, and he probably wouldn't understand why. Josh knew he was going to give in and start smoking again, it was only a matter of time. He knew it at the bottom of his heart, so there was no point in belittling himself, as he also was aware of the heartbreak it was cause Tyler. And perhaps, that was the only reason he was still trying. ****  
** **

He gave three curt knocks to Debby’s front door before twisting the knob and entering. The girl was nowhere to be seen, so he bit his lip and maneuvered his way to the tattered couch. He put his head in his hands, music still blaring, attempting to breath through the worsening pain. ****  
** **

“Man, you look like shit.” Josh looked up to find the source of the voice, and locked with Debby’s gaze, whose eyes scanned all over his body. ****  
** **

“Maybe that was understatement.” She grimaced. ****  
** **

“I wear it on my sleeve.” Josh croaked out, cringing a bit it the weakness of his voice. ****  
** **

“Let's get you cleaned up, okay?” She smiled sympathetically. “Take a shower first and then we'll go from there.” ****  
** **

He nodded as he stood up from the couch, Debby disappearing elsewhere. ****  
** **

When Josh got into the shower, the mirror was only an ugly reminder of life he was trying to escape. Most of his scars and permanent burns were on the lower half of his body, meaning that luckily, he could still take off his shirt. But he couldn't wear shorts, or low hanging jeans for fear that someone might see them. And seeing them meant questions. And questions meant answers. Answers that Josh wasn't ready to give. ****  
** **

He sighed as he ran his fingers over slabs of raised skin, where cigarette butts and tattered leather belts had graced. Each and every scar serving as a painful reminder of his own carelessness.  ****  
** **

It was truly funny how Josh couldn't even remember the date half of the time, but he could clearly recall each degrading act of mortification, every forced sexual encounter, and every single lash on his body. And, oh, how he'd tried to forget. He'd wanted to forget so badly the things that had happened to him for last year and a half, but his own body remembered everything. ****  
** **

Everything. ****  
** **

Here he was, complaining like a pussy over a couple of bruises. It wasn't a big deal, just something he was blowing out of proportion. Plenty of people had it worse, but he just had to go and make everything about himself. ****  
** **

He was disgusting. ****  
** **

It was then that he decided that he should get in the shower, instead of wishing for a life he wasn't going to get anytime soon. ****  
** **

He tried not to pay attention to the streams of blood flowing down the drain. ****  
** **

When he emerged from the bathroom, after changing back into his clothes, he placed the towel aside entered the kitchen where Debby was sitting. She was sipping a bottle of beer, the smell reaching his nose quickly enough. She seemed surprised to see him, and she quickly pushed it out of sight, but it was too late. He retched, closing his eyes as the adrenaline spread from his chest. ****  
** **

“Hey, Josh?” Debby said, her voice suddenly much closer. “Stay with me, alright?” ****  
** **

His eyes flew open and he ran back into the bathroom, puking up everything he'd eaten rather intensely. He sputtered some more, closing his eyes and trying to fixate on the pulsing in his throat.  ****  
** **

At least it would keep him grounded. ****  
** **

There was a cool cloth on the back of his neck by the time he was dry heaving, and hands in his hair by the time he was sitting up. ****  
** **

Debby stroked his hair and wiped his sweaty forehead until the room stopped spinning and he caught his breath. She helped him up, leading him to the dining area, and into a chair. She replaced the cloth, and held his hand across the table.  ****  
** **

“Are you okay?” She asked, but her tone made it clear she already knew the answer. ****  
** **

“I'm fine.” Josh said, somewhat tersely. ****  
** **

“Josh. C'mon.” ****  
** **

“I'm fine.” He snapped, taking a deep breath and putting a hand over his face. ****  
** **

“What'd he do, Josh?” She pressed gently, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb. ****  
** **

“Punched me. Pushed me against a wall. Made me… eat soap. Humiliated me.” He listed emotionlessly, as if he was listing the days of the week. ****  
** **

She didn't say a word, instead looking him dead in the eye. He sighed and continued. ****  
** **

“I hate this.” He gestured to his body and the area around him. “Myself. My body, my mind, my life, everything, I ha- I despise it more than anything. I just wish I could stop sometimes. Like stop existing for a bit, just to take a breather because it's all a bit much at the moment.” His voice was a bit shaky, so he cleared his throat, silently cursing himself for being so weak. ****  
** **

“Are you feeling like  _ that  _ again?” She asked, carefully. Josh laughed to himself, as ‘that’ was just her gentle euphemism for ‘suicidal’.  ****  
** **

“Did I ever stop?” He scoffed, but winced a bit when her expression morphed into something resembling solace. ****  
** **

“Who else knows?”  ****  
** **

“Just you.” He said. “I want to tell someone, but I'm not really sure how they're gonna react, you know? It's kind of hard to bring up ‘hey my dad rapes me and debases me every single fucking time I step foot into my own house’ in a normal conversation.” ****  
** **

“Josh.” Debby scolded.  ****  
** **

“It's true.” He laughed wetly, absentmindedly scratching at his wrists, the skin quickly rising. “ How the hell am I supposed to fucking tell anyone? I told my own fucking mom and she didn't believe me!” His voice got dangerously loud. “I'm a fucking mess of a person now.” He said, going back down to a whisper. His face had a small ingenuine smile on it, and the only indication of his true emotions was the small crack in his voice. “I'm losing my mind, Debby. I have panic attacks every day, I can't be around people, my body's permanently ruined, I can't trust anyone, and I spent whole nights fantasizing about ways to die. Honestly, I really don't think anyone wants to get involved in that.” ****  
** **

“I think you're forgetting about that boy- ah, what was his name- Taylor or something.” ****  
** **

“Tyler.”  ****  
** **

“Yeah, him.” She nodded. “You should have seen the way he was looking at you. I'm pretty sure he would care if you- you know.” ****  
** **

Josh laughed again, tears wetting his face when he did so. His scratching picked up again. ****  
** **

“Him? I think I might be doing him a favor. He deserves someone who won't push him away when kissing gets too heated or someone who can be affectionate. He deserves the world not some fucked up piece of  _ emotional trash. _ ” ****  
** **

The skin of his wrist split under his fingers, coating them and his arm with blood. Debby then grabbed his hands, pulling his wrists apart, locking eyes with him until his chest stopped stuttering. ****  
** **

“Sorry.” He retracted his hands, fiddling with his fingers. “I just-” He sighed. “I just don't want to feel anything right now.” ****  
** **

She reached behind her, sifting through a nearby pile on the floor, and seconds later, she was offering him a blunt. ****  
** **

“Any harder shit?” He said through gritted teeth as he tried to collect his fading vision. ****  
** **

A rattling sound made him squint at her, attempting to refocus his gaze. A translucent orange pill bottle filled with multi colored pills stared back at him. ****  
** **

LSD.  ****  
** **

He snatched the bottle from her, pouring a pile out on the table. He sectioned off a handful of them, using his unbloodied hand, and scooped about five of them up in his palm. He lined up the edge of his palm with his bottom lip, and tipped his head back in one motion, dry swallowing the pills without even flinching. He savored the burning sensation in his nose and throat, tipping his head back and swallowing, to intensify it. He could already feel the buzz in his brain and the room swayed unsteadily. Debby was smiling at him, and reaching back behind her again. ****  
** **

He smiled too, knowing where this night was headed. ****  
** **

From then till dawn, Josh got higher than the moon, taking drugs that he'd never even heard of. But he didn't care about that, he would take anything as long as it would numb the pain that eating him alive for a little bit. He took everything that was handed to him. From pills, to shrooms, to weed, to syringes filled with something, he took all of it. ****  
** **

He never wanted to be sober again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How'd you all do with that? I suppose that this is a good time to say that Josh's character and his experiences are based on a real person. 
> 
> Plus, HAPPY BELATED TRENCH DAY! What are your top three? Mine, personally, are Pet Cheetah, Chlorine, and Legend.
> 
> Love ya guys <3


	16. Dancing's not a Crime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, hope you're having a great day.

The light streaming in through the window in Mr. Way’s classroom caused Tyler’s eyes to flutter open again. He yawned, not even bothering to be quiet, and flicked his eyes up back to the lesson, rolling them as the teacher picked up a marker and walked over the obnoxiously bright whiteboard. He, unsurprisingly, didn’t care about the difference between gerunds and participle nouns.  ****  
** **

Especially when Josh’s seat was empty. For the fourth day in a row.  ****  
** **

If he thought he missed Josh before, he didn’t know what he was feeling now. There was a tangible ache in his chest and a force with a hold on his throat, enhanced by the pit in his stomach filled with worry. It was like someone had severed his most important limb, and now he was just stumbling around aimlessly with no purpose in his bones.  ****  
** **

He wasn’t supposed to need someone that much. ****  
** **

But Josh was so special, and the fact that he hadn’t been at school only reminded Tyler of the first weeks of the school year when he barely showed up, and that didn’t make Tyler feel better. They hadn’t been close friends then, still harboring that petty hatred from Josh’s choice language, but Tyler could remember seeing him around with those familiar bruises and his broken demeanor. He used to disappear for days on end and return quieter and more reserved. He gave off all of the warning signs that Tyler shouldn’t have gotten involved with him, but he didn’t listen to himself and got to know the boy. ****  
** **

That was, undeniably, the best mistake he’d ever made. ****  
** **

The boy revitalized him, and brought him a feeling synonymous with barely anything else. It was liberating to be with Josh, and it left him lighter and more joyful every time. And when Tyler was wrapped up in Josh’s scarred arms, it was as if nothing could hurt him. Not even his own mind or his own hands. ****  
** **

So excuse him if he was a little worried about Josh. ****  
** **

The last time Josh was gone for four consecutive days, he come back smoking a whole pack. Tyler silently cursed himself for not noticing the addiction earlier. He’d had a large purplish bruise covering the left side of his face, and he’d tried to conceal it by directing his longer brown hair over it. It didn’t work that well and Tyler had inconsiderately asked about it, only to receive an iffy reply from Josh about getting into a fight. Tyler had believed him at the time, but after getting to know him better, he knew Josh couldn’t hurt a fly, so the question of how Josh truly hurt himself was still up in the air. He couldn’t quite formulate an idea which sat well with him on how those bruises appeared, but he was starting to get— ****  
** **

“Earth to Tyler.” A tap to the top of his head caused him to look up. ****  
** **

“Brendon, what the hell?” He swatted the other boy’s hand away.  ****  
** **

“Class ended like two minutes ago. You have like four minutes to get to the other side of the school for History and you know how Ms. Bauer just hates it when—” ****  
** **

“Have you heard from Josh?” Tyler interrupted unabashedly, swinging his book bag over his shoulder and standing. ****  
** **

“No, I-I mean I talked to him on Monday but that was the last I heard from him.” ****  
** **

“Was he okay?” ****  
** **

“I mean, well- he sounded fine.” He answered without much delay. “Maybe a little nervous or flustered but that’s it.” He added upon a bit of thought. ****  
** **

Tyler ran a hand through his hair, blowing air out through his cheeks, and Brendon looked at him weirdly. ****  
** **

“Is everything good?” Brendon asked, raising his eyebrows. ****  
** **

“Yeah- I mean, well I don’t know.” He said truthfully and suddenly his shoelaces were the most interesting thing in the room. “Usually when he disappears he always comes back… off, you know?” ****  
** **

Brendon tapped him on the cheek to make him look up again. ****  
** **

“I'm sure he’s fine. And plus, if he wasn’t he would have told you, right?” ****  
** **

“Yeah, I guess.” ****  
** **

“Okay, good.” Brendon grabbed his stuff and spun around quickly. “Now, if you’re okay, I’m gonna go before I get my shit called out by my 65 year old pre-calc teacher.” And with that, he ran out of the room. ****  
** **

Tyler chuckled momentarily before exiting the room, walking in the opposite direction from his History classroom.  ****  
** **

He didn't really want to do school today.

****

***

****

He couldn’t remember how long it’d been since he’d last been on the roof, but his guess was probably the day Josh asked him to come up there.

He could remember that day like the back of his hand. It was the first day he'd realized his feelings for Josh. They'd sat on the edge of the building, just talking, and Tyler had never felt more sheltered or understood. Tyler could remember the puffiness of his face, and the bright cherry of his lips, and deep umber of his eyes like it was yesterday. Tyler never wanted to forget the sheer beauty of that day, when Josh's lips had graced his own for the first time. He never wanted to forget the passion he felt through Josh's fingertips as they gently squeezed his hips and the feather-light touches that brushed his reddened cheeks. He never wanted to forget the rumble of Josh’s chest as he spoke, telling Tyler of how all the stars were in his eyes.  ****  
** **

Tyler sighed, sitting cross legged on the edge of the building. He took a couple deep breaths as more memories washed over him. A small smile danced across his lips, and his heart sped up in his chest. The images were painted anew against the inside of his eyelids, dull pictures of happier times uncovered from the dirt and dust in his brain. The degree to which things were different now was almost alarming. Though not much had visibly changed, the general condition of his mental well being, as well of those around him, was worsening; and Tyler knew it. The beginning of the year was only shy smiles and boisterous attitudes, but now, in the dead of winter, it was only deadly secrets and inescapable loneliness.  ****  
** **

A loneliness that could not be chased away by the presence of others, but one that became a part of them, and ironically, was the only intimate company. ****  
** **

He sifted through his bag, ignoring the actual educational materials, and grabbed his notebook from it. A corner of one of the thin pages was folded inwards, reserving a mostly clean page with special lyrics. He flipped there, grabbing his trusty black gel pen as well.  ****  
** **

The shiny but unfinished words stared back at him, and he couldn't help the small flush of his cheeks that became because of them. He only had maybe a verse and a half done, but he was set on finishing it. He didn't want to put a time limit on the song either, as to not compromise the genuineness of the words. He wanted the words to flow when they could, and always be honest. ****  
** **

He wanted to perform this song one day. Not to just anybody, but to the most special boy in his life. ****  
** **

An urgency in his soul drove him to dedicate at least  _ something  _ to Josh. He wanted sing it to him when he needed it most, just to see him smile again. So he took the pen to the paper and wrote. Occasionally, he crossed out words that didn't fit, and substituted phrases that properly fit the theme.  ****  
** **

It had to be perfect. ****  
** **

He sat on the rooftop with the wind in hair, ruffling the pages a bit as lyrics formed in his mind, a melody playing in his ears, and Josh, as always, sitting in his heart.

****

***

****

The last bell of the day caused Tyler to finally leave the comfort of the roof, and start heading home. He descended hastily through the janitor's closet, as usual, and pulled his hood over his head as he started heading towards the front door. There was a bit on unease in his stomach, a pounding one that made him walk just a teeny bit faster. A shove to his back and a familiar cocky voice caused him to pause mid-step. ****  
** **

“Oh, if it isn't Tyler Joseph.” ****  
** **

“What do you want, Alex?” Tyler turned around to see the boy, surrounded by two other boys. Probably football players, if their overly exposed biceps and red jerseys were anything to go by. ****  
** **

“I was just wondering where your boy toy was.” ****  
** **

“He's not a toy.” Tyler could feel blood rush to his ears, but he stopped the expressions of his aggravation there. Reckless behavior was not what he needed right now.  ****  
** **

“Isn't he? Because my boys and I were looking for him and I'm sure he'd make a  _ real nice fuck _ .” Alex sneered and the football players behind him laughed. ****  
** **

“Shut up, Gaskarth.” His voice was taut and strained with the unadulterated fury that coursed through him. “Before I hand your ass to you again.” ****  
** **

“Coming to your boyfriend's defense, I see. How  _ adorable _ . I didn't take you for a fag, Joseph.” ****  
** **

“He's not my boyfriend.”  ****  
** **

“Oh really? With the way you eye fuck him, you could understand my mistake.” ****  
** **

A crowd was gathering, but Tyler couldn't find it in himself to care much. ****  
** **

“You must be seeing things, with all of that gay shit you do with Jack.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, sure.” Alex rolled his eyes, trying to remain unfazed but Tyler could a small flush on his chest from where his collar ended. “Tell your punk twink that we should talk sometime. He owes me a piece of his ass after converting you into a sodomite.” ****  
** **

“Alex,” He tried to control the snarl in his tone. “I don't know what happened whatever shit friendship we had before, but if so much as  _ touch _ Josh, I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to unbutton your collar to shit.” ****  
** **

There was a small “ooh” in the crowd behind him, but Tyler could barely hear them over the white noise in his ears. He took a step forward but there was a hand squeezing his shoulder, and another voice speaking behind him. ****  
** **

“You and your bodyguards better leave, Alex.” Dallon spat. “Or I'll give you all bruises to rival the one Tyler gave you before.” ****  
** **

Alex glanced between the two, obviously assessing his chances, before turning around and walking away with a scowl on his face. His entourage was soon to follow. Tyler was still standing rigid when Dallon spoke again.  ****  
** **

“You okay, man?”  ****  
** **

“Yeah, I'm fine.” He said abruptly. “Thanks.” ****  
** **

“Don't mention it.” He said, glancing around as the crowd dispersed. ****  
** **

“I think I'm gonna head home.” He said, eyes trained on the ground. ****  
** **

“Yeah, uh, you do that.” Dallon cleared his throat. “Say hi to Josh for me if you see him.” ****  
** **

“Yeah- uh, I will. Thanks again.” ****  
** **

“Dude, seriously. Go home, rest up, and clear your head. You’ve got a game tonight so you need to forget about this whole thing. Brendon told me you're looking for Josh… find him if you can, I’ll be on the lookout for him too, but you need to put that outside of your mind for now.” He sighed. “I hate to be the asshole right now, but this is our last game of the season, and your final chance to show state Uni that they should continue to offer you this scholarship.” ****  
** **

“I don’t- Dal- I’m worried about him.” ****  
** **

“I know. I am too.” He tugged at the ends of his raven hair. “But you need to put him out of your head, just for tonight.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” ****  
** **

What an impossible task.

****

***

****

Tyler paused at a red light to let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His fingers curled around the steering wheel as the vile comments Alex had made rushed back into his head. His brain clouded with indignation, and he rammed his fist as hard as he could into the horn with a small yell. A small beep rang out as he stilled himself, trying to relax into the seat. ****  
** **

He wasn't a violent person. Impulsive, maybe, but not aggressive. He preferred resolving conflicts with words, as opposed to fists, but God, he could throw a good punch if he needed to. But he'd tried to talk to Alex, but the boy just kept goading him until Tyler couldn't take it anymore. He hated to admit, but if Dallon hadn't been there, he would have started a fight he couldn't have won.  ****  
** **

But he didn't care. During the build up to the fight, they'd talked about Josh as if he was an object, and as if they were planning to fuck with him. That only intensified Tyler's desire to seat his fist right in the center of Alex's conceited face.  ****  
** **

He shifted his foot to the has pedal when the light turned green.  ****  
** **

The three boys had also mentioned something about Josh being his boyfriend. Now, Tyler knew this was probably just pesky bullying, but he couldn't help the thought in the back of his head that said that they knew. That everyone could see the fact that he was with Josh like it was tattooed across his forehead. He was still trying to be slick, ignoring his boyfriend a bit in a couple of classes, but he was starting to wonder if it was really worth it. He wanted to call Josh his boyfriend and everything, and he knew Josh wanted it too, but he wanted to tell everyone in his own time. ****  
** **

He just wasn't ready to come out yet. ****  
** **

When Josh came to his school, he'd never really hid the fact that he was attracted to guys. He never explicitly said so either, but it was just assumed and the rumors spread. Tyler could only admire the bravery it took to do that, to disregard the heavy opinions of those around him, and live the way he wanted to. Tyler had told Zack about him and Josh already, and his reaction was okay, but Tyler couldn't even imagine how his parents would react. ****  
** **

Especially his dad. ****  
** **

His father was a detached man, but one who had very known traditional beliefs about family units and gender roles. Men should be breadwinners, women should stay at home and watch the kids, that kind of stuff. His dad had constructed a vision once Tyler had discovered his basketball talent, and though Tyler had never agreed, he went along with it. But soon, not only would he have to tell his father that he didn't want to go to college even though he got a full ride,  _ but also _ the fact that he had feelings for another guy. ****  
** **

Ugh. ****  
** **

He wished there wasn't a time limit on these things, so he could take his time to muster the courage, but there was. Josh was getting impatient, the scholarship approval needed to be sent, and he needed to come to terms with who he was a person. ****  
** **

A bright blue tuft of movement caught his attention.  ****  
** **

He slammed on his brakes, his seatbelt almost choking him, earning a few angry honks from the drivers behind him. He hurried to step outside his car, almost tripping on the tangled straps. ****  
** **

“Josh!” ****  
** **

The boy did not turn around at the call of his name, and instead stood in place without uttering a single word.  ****  
** **

“Josh?” Tyler called again, unsure if Josh had heard him. He shut the driver's side door to his car, approaching the boy carefully, as if he was a wild animal. He reached to tap Josh's shoulder when the other boy's voice startled him. ****  
** **

“Don't touch me.” Tyler felt butterflies stir in his stomach at Josh's voice, but they were quickly shot dead once the words and the tone reached his ears. His voice was quiet, but held more anger than Tyler could ever imagine coming from the boy in front of him. ****  
** **

“O-okay.” Tyler gulped, incredibly unsure of how to address this situation. He stood there awkwardly, staring at his shifting heels, as silence settled between them. ****  
** **

Something red landing near his foot made him look up and his heart clenched when he realized what it was. ****  
** **

Josh was wearing a large hoodie, the same one he'd been wearing when Tyler had seen him 4 days ago. The cuffs of the sleeves were rolled up a bit, exposing Josh's hands and a bit of his wrist. The whole area was rubbed raw and covered in blood, which was dripping down to the sidewalk every so often. ****  
** **

“You're bleeding.” He said when the shock had finished washing over him. ****  
** **

“Oh, am I?” He lifted up his hand to his face, his voice unsarcastic, but lacking any emotion. “You're right, I guess I am.” He said eventually, shrugging his shoulders and starting to walk away, stumbling over his feet. ****  
** **

“Josh, wait!” Tyler ran to the other side of the boy, turning around and placing his hand in front of Josh’s chest. He looked up to make eye contact, but his voice got lost in his throat.  ****  
** **

Josh's pupils were blown, making the familiar brown only visible on the very edges of his irises. The longest of his blue curls were plastered to his face, and sticky with fresh blood that leaked from innumerable large wounds sprinkled across his forehead. His eyes were set in on his sheet white face, purplish eye bags made themselves home under them. His cracked and peeling lips were parted slightly, curling inwards with every inhale, an pursing every time the air was pushed out. Most unsettling of all, though, was the lack of light and joy in his eyes. There was a cold deadness that resided there, accompanied by an unbelievable black and empty sadness. ****  
** **

“Josh… wha- how did-” He was completely speechless. Josh averted his gaze downwards, his fingers twitching by his side.  ****  
** **

“Josh.” He said again, placing his fingers on the underside of the other boy’s chin. Josh shut his eyes, whimpering slightly, and his breathing shook before returning to the irregular pattern it was in before. Tyler ran his fingers across the blue boy’s now thick beard, quietly urging him to open his eyes again. When Josh finally complied, there was a hint of fear on his gaze, before it faded back into deadness that Tyler now despised.  ****  
** **

“I’m fine.” Josh asserted, smiling generously as if to prove it.  ****  
** **

“I didn’t ask.” Tyler clicked his tongue when Josh’s expression faltered, flashing to a semblance of regret and returning to a beaming grin shortly thereafter. “Look, dude. I was just gonna head home and chill ‘cause I have a game tonight and all, but you could tag along and get cleaned up if you want.” Tyler tried his hardest to sound nonchalant, not wanting to make obvious the fact that every ounce of his entire body was pleading with Josh to come with him. But Tyler knew, somehow, that pity and begging was not what Josh wanted, and would not do any good in persuading him to come over to treat his wounds. ****  
** **

“Can I?” Josh whispered so weakly that it caught Tyler by surprise. ****  
** **

“Of course.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” Josh nodded, his eyes still not completely focused on Tyler. “Thank you.” ****  
** **

“No need to be so formal,” Tyler walked back over to his car. “It’s what I’m here for. It's what I promised, okay?” ****  
** **

“Okay.”

****

***

****

Josh was kneeling on the cold tile, his arm half-bent and flexed over the edge of the porcelain tub. Tyler was diligently working with the skin there, following a routine that he never once faltered from. Run the wound under cold water, apply the pressure with a damp cloth, clean the skin, and then finally covering the smaller cuts band-aids, or cover the larger ones with actual bandages.  ****  
** **

His lips were pursed, and the normal shaking in his hands had reduced as he treated Josh’s wounds. He sent Josh and apologetic look as he winced, due to a bit of antiseptic dripping into an open cut.  ****  
** **

He had yet to figure out why Tyler was being so kind to him. ****  
** **

He'd driven them both back here, allowed Josh to shower, given him a clean razor to shave, handed him expensive shampoo to wash his hair, and given him a meal to eat, all without asking a single invasive question or treating Josh inhumanely. ****  
** **

Josh would never figure out how he got so lucky, to have the boy who he loved be such an amazing person. ****  
** **

Tyler was only doing this because he pitied Josh's pain, of course, but Josh appreciated it more than the world. The lump in his throat shook, as he knew he didn't deserve this worry and soft touches. He deserved to be kicked around, and spat on, and kept like the disgusting animal he was. He didn't deserve this, and similarly, he didn't deserve Tyler. But Tyler was treating him so well, and he couldn't help but fall a bit deeper in love with him, even though he knew Tyler didn't feel the same. ****  
** **

Josh had just finished that quick shower, so he only had boxers and a towel on, leaving all of his ugliness on brutal display of the brunette’s gaze. But, unlike what he had expected, there was not half of an ounce of judgement or disgust in Tyler’s eyes, only a painful worry and a firm determination. Tyler was so careful with Josh’s body, treating it like it was frail or brittle, even when he pressed down to stop a bleeding wound.  ****  
** **

Tyler stood up wordlessly to clean the final wound on the back of Josh’s head. He repeated the same pattern as he had been doing for the last hour, and slowly worked the gash, cleaning out the dirt and debris and hair that had found its way into it. Tyler kissed Josh’s sweat-covered forehead every time he flinched, sooner or later intertwining their fingers with his free hand.  ****  
** **

“This one looks bad.” Tyler rasped, making Josh jump a bit. “You got hit hard, yeah?” He added thoughtfully, his tone reflecting the option of a response, and then resumed going about bandaging the wound.  ****  
** **

“Why are you doing this?” Josh asked, startling himself with his own voice. His brain was still a bit fuzzy, but the pain in his arms was bringing him back to his senses.  ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“This.” He gestured around to the many aseptic supplies scattered around the bathroom. “Cleaning me up, giving me fresh clothes, treating me so nicely. There’s nothing in it for you, so why are you doing this?” ****  
** **

“There doesn’t have to be an upside to this, Josh. Helping you, making sure you’re okay, all of that,” He chuckled. “It’s enough of a reward for me.”

****

***

****

Tyler was sitting criss-cross on his bed, trying to figure out the perfect chord to follow an F chord and flow into the chorus smoothly. He tried a D minor, followed by a G chord, but nothing sounded quite right. He huffed, throwing his ukulele down onto the comforter in frustration.  ****  
** **

Josh chuckled and looked up from his phone, perking an eyebrow at Tyler with a somewhat smug look on his face. “What’s the matter?”  ****  
** **

“I can’t finish the chord progression right.” He whined, pouting a bit when Josh broke out laughing.  ****  
** **

“Try an A minor.” Josh said, picking up his phone again.  ****  
** **

Tyler rolled his eyes, grabbing the uke and strumming the chords, expecting it to be off key and wonky. A surprised noise escaped his throat when it fit perfectly, scoffing when Josh snickered at his outburst.  ****  
** **

“How the hell did you do that?” Tyler asked when he wrote the progression down.  ****  
** **

“I heard you play it earlier. Figured it would work.” He said innocently, smiling sweetly at Tyler. His lips turned upwards at the corners like they always did, but his eyes didn’t light up or scrunch up at the edges. It made Tyler’s heart ache. ****  
** **

He sighed.  ****  
** **

“Josh, I missed you.” The boy looked up, nothing short of an expression of pure confusion on his face.  ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“ _ I missed you _ .” He punctuated each syllable.   ****  
** **

“Okay… uh, I’m sorry, I guess.” He shrugged again, crossing his feet on top of Tyler’s desk.  ****  
** **

“How are you so relaxed about this?” Tyler raised his voice, standing up from the bed. “You disappear for four fucking days and you come back covered in bruises, barely speaking, and high as shit, and what do you expect me to think?” ****  
** **

“It’s not your business what I do when I’m not with you.” He rolled his eyes. “How’d you know I was high?” ****  
** **

“Oh, please.” Tyler huffed. “Your pupils where the size of the fucking moon and you couldn’t focus on a damn thing. I would have been more surprised if you weren’t.” His tone became accusatory. “What were you even on? Last time I checked, you only smoked.” ****  
** **

“Well, that was the last time you checked.” ****  
** **

“What’s your problem, dude?” ****  
** **

“What’s  _ your  _ problem?” Josh stood too. “I’m not a fucking kid, it’s not your job to keep tabs on me. So what if you missed me? I didn’t ask you too.” ****  
** **

“Josh, we’ve been dating for  _ four  _ months. I’ve been with you through thick and thin, why are acting like this? Am I not allowed to miss you?” ****  
** **

“Whatever.” Josh squinted his eyes. ****  
** **

“Where were you?” ****  
** **

“Somewhere.” ****  
** **

“Josh, this isn’t the time for smartass answers, I'm being serious.” Tyler got up in the other boy’s face, so close that he could feel his breath on his chin. “I want to know where the hell you disappeared to.” ****  
** **

“I didn’t go anywhere,  _ Tyler.  _ I had some things to take care of, so I did.” ****  
** **

“Why are you being so freaking secretive?” Tyler somewhat yelled, not wanting to alert anyone else in the house of their conversation. “What is so hard to tell me?” ****  
** **

“You wouldn’t understand.” ****  
** **

“Try me.” ****  
** **

“Jesus, Tyler.” Josh ran a hand through his hair. “I don't need this- this  _ interrogation  _ right now.” ****  
** **

“I deserve to know, Josh. You’re just worrying me with all of this running around.” ****  
** **

“You don’t have to be worried about me, Tyler. You’re just gonna end up hurting yourself more than you’re helping me.” ****  
** **

“If you don’t want me to be worried then tell me where you were.” He failed to notice the desperation in his tone, or the tears wetting his cheeks. ****  
** **

“Bye, Tyler.” He said, breaking eye contact, but Tyler could already see that his eyes were glazing over.  ****  
** **

Tyler didn’t try to fight him when he turned to leave, or try to call his name when he crawled out of the window, because when Josh left, he took Tyler’s soul with him.  ****  
** **

His chest felt empty as he clutched his hair, a strained and sopping wheeze escaping his throat. He let a guttural scream as he aimed his anger towards the wall, his fist making brutal contact with it. He collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor.  ****  
** **

_ “Josh _ . _ ”  _ He tried to speak while also trying to flood his body with the oxygen it so desperately needed.  _ “Fuck, don't leave again.” _ ****  
** **

He’d fucked up bad. 

****

***   


He'd fucked up bad. ****  
** **

He needed to come clean to Tyler. How though, well that was the real challenge. Tyler was already getting sick of this and Josh knew it was only a matter of time until he slipped up and lost his temper and scared Tyler away.  ****  
** **

He didn't know why this attack in particular had gotten to him. There had been a lot of instances in the past where he'd run into his dad and gone to school the next day, plastering a huge smile on his face. There had even been times when his ass was so sore he couldn't even walk, but he'd limped into the building anyway and bit through the pain. The only substantial difference was, now, he didn't have a pack of cigarettes to depend on. It was just him and his thoughts, and the occasional drugs he could substitute in. ****  
** **

He needed some time to clear his head.  To get away for a little bit.  ****  
** **

An answer to his prayers came through in the form of a text. ****  
** **

_ Debby: hey im heading out for a shipment/party tonight out of state and i wont be be back for a couple of weeks _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: I could leave the key there but I don't think my landlord will let you stay for that long _ ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: damn _ ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: can I come with? _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: I don't see why not _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: don't u have school thoug _ ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: fuck that _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: finally taking control of your life, i like it _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: meet me at my place in two hours, i'll be outside waiting so _ ****  
** **

_ Josh fun: alright debs tysm _

_ Debby: np just bring clothes to change _ ****  
** **

Josh hoped Tyler wouldn't miss him again.

****

***

****

The rubbery surface of the ball made contact with his flexed fingers as he  sent the ball flying to the shooting guard on the opposite side of the court. The other boy shot it towards the hoop, narrowly missing a toned defender, and the ball swished through the net. The buzzer rang, signalling a small break to be had, so that the sticky players could get water and catch their breaths. ****  
** **

Tyler padded over to the bench, refraining from actually taking a seat, and instead standing on the outskirts of the huddle where the coach was devising a new plan of attack. He glanced up at the scoreboard. He sighed when he saw that they were in the lead by a single point.  ****  
** **

He couldn't focus. And of course, Josh was the reason why.  ****  
** **

Dallon’s words from earlier rang clear in his head now,  _ you need to put him out of your head, just for tonight _ . His failure to adhere to such a simple request was costing his team this last victory of the season. He could see at least five scouts taking notes on clipboards, wearing hoodies or t-shirts from their respective home universities. The room was swaying a bit under him so he took the rest of his water down in one gulp. Waves of anger coursing through him made his hands begin to tremble. ****  
** **

_ Fuck Josh. Fuck him, fuck his secrets, fuck basketball, fuck college, fuck music, just- fuck everything. _ ****  
** **

He no longer cared about winning this game, he just wanted it to be over so that he could go home and wash all of his problems away in the abyss of sleep.

****

***

****

He missed Tyler.

****

***

****

It was New Year's eve. ****  
** **

Tyler was laying down on his stomach, propped up by his elbows placed of either side of his body, scrolling through posts of other people having more fun than he was on a Saturday night. It was getting to be around 11:30 now, and Tyler didn't really feel like going to sleep. ****  
** **

He didn't really  _ feel  _ like anything. ****  
** **

He was using his phone as a distraction, to prevent his mind from wandering anywhere else. It was safer to indulge himself in the lives of other people, he realized, than it was to deal with his own problems, that consumed his every waking breath. In a strange meta-moment, he sensed himself zoning out and forced himself to focus on the screen.  ****  
** **

His finger dragged along the face of the device, occasionally stopping whenever bright colors or overly drunk teens caught his attention. He'd been scrolling through his feed for a while now, the posts now appearing dating a couple days back. He huffed to himself when he spotted Jenna's post. ****  
** **

It was a wide picture, taken landscape, and of relatively poor quality. It was last minute and a bit messy, all of the people in the photo smiling cheesy smiles and dressed nicely for the customary Christmas day photo.  ****  
** **

It was of her family and his. ****  
** **

Truly, Tyler should have seen it coming that the families wanted to spend Christmas together. They lived about two streets down, and considering how both sets of parents wanted to set up their child with the other, Tyler  _ really  _ should have seen it coming. But of course, being his oblivious self, he didn't, and the Black family had come over to his house on Christmas day. ****  
** **

They stuck Tyler and Jenna together whenever they could, leaving Tyler to awkwardly small-talk to diffuse some of the building tension (that nobody else noticed). They'd even held hands for a couple of photos, which were also on Jenna's page, and Tyler had literally never felt more uncomfortable in his life. ****  
** **

Her and her family had arrived in the early morning and left late at night, Jenna saying goodbye to Tyler with a quick peck on the cheek, which both families ‘aww’ed at. Tyler's uncomfortable blush was seemingly ignored throughout the entirety of the day. ****  
** **

He shut off his phone then, feeling completely estranged from the world around him. He hoped he wasn't falling into another episode, because his night, and generally, his life sucked. But the small blurring of his vision and the numbness of his fingertips confirmed his fears. ****  
** **

He didn't really feel like writing, or sleeping, or using his phone again, and he'd finished the  _ All My Sons  _ book he'd gotten at the mall, so he just stared at the ceiling, trying not to think too much. ****  
** **

He just zoned out, because it was much simpler than dealing with the reality he had gotten himself into. ****  
** **

A knock on his window made him jump, landing on his tailbone on the cold hardwood of his floor with a small groan of pain. He assumed it was just a bird that had crashed into his window or something, and began climbing under the covers again. But when a much cleaner knock echoed through the room for a second time, he couldn't help the fact that he clambered towards the window, almost falling over in his rush to cross his room. ****  
** **

When he pulled the curtains aside, a boy squatted, perfectly balanced on the outer sill and biting on his lower lip nervously. The tips of his hair showed the remnants of blue dye, but the rest of his curls were an icy white, adding a bit to his ethereal appearance. His face was clean and boyish, the whitening scars across his face were still visible in the darkness of the night. ****  
** **

Josh slid into to the room when Tyler opened the window, and barely had two seconds to plant his feet before Tyler engulfed him in a tight hug. His mouth began working in its own, muttering quiet and heartfelt apologies into the other boy's chest. ****  
** **

Josh used one hand to stroke Tyler's back, drawing small circles with the palm of his hand. A quick kiss was pressed against his forehead told Tyler that he was forgiven, and the single tear that hit the top of his head let him know that Josh was sorry too. Tyler pressed nose into Josh’s neck trying to learn his unique scent of faint cologne and the minty gum he always chewed. He could feel the cool metal of  _ their  _ necklace against his cheek. ****  
** **

They stayed like that for a bit, Josh rocking and shushing Tyler in his arms and the boy's sobs ceased into quiet sniffles, before he lead them over to the bed. Josh somehow maneuvered them into being seated, but with Tyler refusing to let go of the collar of his shirt, it was a slightly uncomfortable position. Tyler's head found its way to the boy's shoulder when Josh unveiled something from behind him. ****  
** **

A beautiful bouquet of flowers, clasped by their stunted roots in the boy's hand, greeted Tyler when he finally decided to look at them. It was a gorgeous assortment, really, with roses and daisies and some flowers he had never seen before. They were wrapped carefully by a forest green plastic, held together by a silky red ribbon. It was uniquely wonderful, and it was being pushed into Tyler's hands. ****  
** **

He pressed them close to his chest, starting to weep again, as Josh sighed and cupped his chin gently. ****  
** **

“Oh, baby. The flowers were supposed to make you  _ smile,  _ not cry.” ****  
** **

“I-it's just-” He hiccupped. “Y-you're so go-good to me, a-a-and I don't deserve all of this,” He shook the flowers in his hands. “And you asked f-for space but I kept  _ pushing  _ for no reason. I thought you'd left me, and when you didn't answer your ph-phone I thought I'd never see you again. God, Josh, I'm s-so sorry and-” ****  
** **

Josh hushed him quickly, knowing full well where this path of destructive thinking was going. Tyler felt himself being lifted into Josh's arms, almost a bridal style lift, before Josh set him on the floor, still holding the tips of his free hand. ****  
** **

“I've been working on my moves since the last time we danced.” He said eventually, giving Tyler a small twirl. ****  
** **

“Josh,” He sniffled. “There's n-no music playing or anything. ****  
** **

“So?” He whispered, maneuvering Tyler into a position where his back was directly against Josh's front, and they swayed gently to a silent rhythm. “It’s not a crime if I want to boogie with the most beautiful boy in the world.” ****  
** **

“Y-you’re such a dork.” Tyler said, his voice a little wet from tears, but quickly overcome by his stupidly competitive nature. He spun Josh around and dipped him. ****  
** **

“Yeah.” Josh responded, a bit breathless as he craned his neck up peck him on the nose. ****  
** **

Tyler lifted Josh up again, this time setting the bouquet down on his desk and clasping his arms around Josh. The blue boy's hands settled on his waist, gently rubbing up and down. Tyler locked eyes with the boy in front of him, savoring the way that his eyes, almost charcoal in the light, were filled with such soft care and gentle adoration. ****  
** **

Josh’s phone went off in his pocket, and he moved one of his hands from Tyler's waist to pull it out. The lingering warmth from Josh’s fingertips sent waves of fuzziness through his body. He nuzzled in closer to the other boy’s chest causing to Josh chuckle before speaking. ****  
** **

“Ten seconds till midnight.” Josh whispered, his breath brushing the stubbly hair on Tyler's upper lip. ****  
** **

“Really?” He whispered right back. ****  
** **

“Well,” Josh peeked at his phone. “Five, now.” ****  
** **

“Josh.” He placed their foreheads together.  ****  
** **

The other boy met his gaze, eyes flicking down to his lips momentarily, and then locking gazes again. Tyler could see a question swimming in those dark pupils. ****  
** **

“Josh.” He said again.  ****  
** **

That was all it took for the other to lean in. ****  
** **

When their lips collided, it was like the first time all over again. The kiss started off timid, the boys’ lips were unsure and hesitant when they pressed together. But after finding that familiarity they had both longed for, the kiss became more heated. Josh's tongue barely slipped inside his mouth, tickling his teeth, sweet but demanding. Tyler finally understood why people described kissing as melting because every inch of his body dissolved into his in that moment. His veins pulsed and his heart pounded in his ears.  ****  
** **

He'd never wanted anyone like this before.  ****  
** **

Reluctantly, they both pulled away, gasping for breath and tightening their grip on the other. ****  
** **

“Happy New Year’s.” Josh eventually said. ****  
** **

“Happy New Year’s.” Tyler echoed, tears welling up in his eyes. “God, I missed this.” ****  
** **

“Me too, baby.” Josh agreed, his voice cracking a bit near the end. He gave on more peck to Tyler’s forehead, before looking down nervously. ****  
** **

“Look, Tyler… you know how it’s New Year’s and stuff? Well, there was this party I wanted to go to… and well I wanted to ask if you wanna come with me?” His voice squeaked up at the end. “If you don’t want to, it’s totally okay because I know parties aren’t really your thing, and plus it’s Sunday tomorrow and you have church so probably want to get a full night’s rest and everything, so trust me, I don't blame you if you say no, because like I get it and-” ****  
** **

“You’re leaving so soon?” Tyler interrupted his rambling. ****  
** **

“Yeah, I mean- I wanted to go with you but I take it you can't come.” ****  
** **

“You can’t stay?” ****  
** **

“Well- after midnight is really when the party gets good and-” ****  
** **

Tyler cut him off with another burning kiss to his lips, and Josh squeaked a bit, obviously taken aback, before responding tentatively. His lips were chapped but sickly sweet, and the passionate way he moved them against Tyler’s conveyed his eagerness too. And Tyler pulled back from the touch, only momentarily, before diving back in, already missing the contact, again and again and  _ again _ , ending finally with a small nibble on Josh’s lips. ****  
** **

“Well, I guess I could stay for a bit longer.” ****  
** **

And then Josh was kissing him. Once, twice, slowly, memorizing the soft feel of his lips against his own. Josh’s cautious fingers ran up his back and along the skin of his arms, sending electric shivers through his body. And suddenly Tyler was kissing him back harder, deeper, with a fervent desperation he'd never known before. ****  
** **

Josh still kissed him circumspectly, but it wasn’t gentleness Tyler wanted. Not now, not after all this time. Definitely not after these dry and somber two weeks Tyler had staggered through without Josh  _ on _ him. Tyler knotted his fists in his curls, pulling him harder against his body which was crying out for his touch. Josh groaned softly, low in his throat, and then his bare arms circled around Tyler, gathering him against his chest, and they stumbled blindly over to the bed, intertwined, still kissing. ****  
** **

Josh's face had the scarcest bit of stubble and it rubbed Tyler's skin harshly but he didn't care. ****  
** **

He didn't care at all. He felt wonderful.  ****  
** **

Josh's hands were everywhere, and it didn't matter that his mouth was pressed tightly on top of his, Tyler wanted him  _ closer. _   


Tyler ran his hands all across up and down Josh’s flat chest, tugging at the ends of his henley shirt. Josh pulled back from the kiss and grabbed Tyler wandering hand by his wrist, only to shake his head and mutter a few, quiet words against his lips. ****  
** **

“No, this night's all about you.” He cupped the underside of Tyler's jaw. “I want to make  _ you _ feel good.” He dove back in, supporting himself by his forearms and he pressed in tighter. ****  
** **

They were kissing each other urgently and holding each other, and swaying slightly side to side slowly then vigorously, like one joint entity. They were moving purposefully, into and against each other, but nothing seemed to be happening.    


Until Tyler felt something slot in between his legs. ****  
** **

He moaned quietly into Josh's parted lips, gaining a small smile from the other boy. ****  
** **

“Josh.” He whimpered, fisting the other boy's shirt. “I-I need- more- god,  _ Josh.”  _ ****  
** **

“What do you need, baby?” Josh said, grinding his knee into the spot that made Tyler go crazy. Another breathy moan filled the room. ****  
** **

“I don't know- I just need-.” That was all Tyler was able to get out before his hips bucked up into Josh, yearning for  _ more.  _ ****  
** **

Josh scooted away from Tyler's lips, his hands diligently unbuttoning his flannel sweats, not a second of hesitation as one button came undone, followed by the next. The sweatpants were pulled down to his knees when Josh paused looking up to meet Tyler's hooded gaze. A silent question hung in the air. ****  
** **

Tyler hurried to nod, hips shuffling down in an attempt to reach the warmth pouring out from his body. Josh was having none of that, and held Tyler's waist to keep him in place as he spoke. ****  
** **

“Verbally, Ty.” The huskiness from lust in his voice caused Tyler to grip the sheets, eyes welling up slightly from pure frustration. ****  
** **

“Please.” ****  
** **

Josh lifted the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down too, and Tyler's length sprung free, hitting him in the stomach. ****  
** **

“You're so freaking gorgeous, Tyler.” Josh whispered, lunging back up for the peck, his hand still stroking Tyler gently. He thumbed the head of it, never once breaking from the kiss. ****  
** **

Josh kissed through the fabric of his shirt, slowly working his way back down to where his hand was still working methodically. ****  
** **

A wet, warm sensation caused Tyler's eyes to fly open, his back instantly arching as his body rocked into the source. Josh dipped his tongue into the slit again, circling the head once or twice, and never breaking their locked gazes. Josh plunged in then, without a word of warning, and Tyler’s hands gripped tighter into the sheets, as his throat began working without his permission, emitting small sounds with each bob of the blue boy's head, or each swirl of his tongue. ****  
** **

In that moment in time, it was just them. Everything else in the world had faded into nothing, and the most important thing to each boy in that room was the other perched in front of him. Their mutual affection needn't be weakened or debased by this sexual gesture, only fortified in a way only they understood. For now, tucked away in beautiful melodies of soft grunts, and the shifting of the bed sheets, each boy knew there was something special in the other. Something so altering and groundbreaking and so lovely and so  _ pure _ . ****  
** **

A thing each wouldn't trade for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time-skip to March-ish is gonna be next chapter.  
> So how'd you guys like that? Feedback, negative or positive, and suggestions are always appreciated. Also, I want to apologize if the lengths or mistakes in these last couple of chapters are a bit wonky, cause I've been writing these in five minutes every morning before I go to school so... sorry for that.  
> Hope y'all continue to kill it.


	17. How did I not know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> When I was writing this chapter, I had to decide a couple really important things to me for this story in general. Since this story is relatively based in reality, I had to know how much of these incidences I wanted to disclose. Here’s what I decided: what happened is extremely important to me, and these things (for lack of a better word) took place relatively recently in my life. I tried to keep the conversations as accurate as possible for this, while sparing all of the unnecessary/unpleasant details. It’s emotionally draining, in a way, to write too in depth about life events like these ones. Just let me know what you guys think because your opinions mean the world to me and really drive this story. 
> 
> Anyways,
> 
> Happy reading, y’all.
> 
> -ukuvio

The cold months of winter had come and gone, the last of the snow had melted or been whisked away by tender breezes that spoke of warmer times ahead. The sun was shining brighter now, illuminating the dark sky and filling it with remarkable hope and wonder, clearing the gloomy clouds away from sight. Fuzzy dandelions and maned daisies perked up, rising from their seasonal rest, and bared their beautiful faces for the awakening world. ****  
** **

Spring was here.

The air smelled sweeter, the winds were milder, and the world was happier. The night sky was no longer as murky, just filled with more purplish hues and dull stars.  ****  
** **

But, amidst, a boy laid, seemingly unaffected by the happiness around him. Maybe he was oblivious to it, but the darkness that resided in his eyes proved otherwise. The boy was aware of the changes around him, but instead of indulging himself in the joy surrounding him, he fretted endlessly about the things to come. For him, the arrival of spring did not mean cheerful blooms and clear skies. To him, the season only meant the absence of time, and the increased urgency of certain decisions. ****  
** **

He told nobody of this, feeling as if he would burden them with his problems. And as the stress compiled, and the guilt in his soul worsened, his eyes only got darker, as everyone else turned a blind eye. ****  
** **

Too wrapped up in his own head though, the brunette failed to notice the similar struggles of those around him, even other the boy who he spent most of his time with, who now had hair the color of sweet ruby wine and black gauges in his ears. Though the two had spent a great number of hours together at the start of the year, as time went on, they began to see less and less of each other. As their own individual lives took a dire turn, they were forced to focus on themselves, for once. The closeness they once shared had, in a harsh sense, evaporated, leaving both of them empty and longing for better times.

****

***

****

Tyler’s eyes opened suddenly without warning. He was greeted by the unchanging gray of the ceiling, as he was every morning. In the few seconds he spent conscious, he already wished he wasn't, but the rhythmic beeping of his alarm clock that filled the air seconds later informed him that he did indeed have a life to attend to. He rolled out of his bed on groggy legs, stumbling into the bathroom with too bright lights. He could feel the buzzing of his electric toothbrush at the tip of his skull, and he tried not to zone out too much this morning. ****  
** **

He got dressed, picking up the first things he could find, and headed downstairs, and snatched his keys off of the dining room table. He was almost out the door when a voice spoke to him. ****  
** **

“What?” He turned around asking. His ears seemed to be stuffed to the brim with cotton balls. ****  
** **

“I asked if you were going to eat anything, Tyler. Do you want me to make you anything?” ****  
** **

“I'm fine, mom. Thanks.” ****  
** **

“You should eat something, sweetie. You're losing weight.” She said with a cautious voice. ****  
** **

“I'll be fine, mom.” He repeated, hoping to convince either her or himself of the fact. ****  
** **

“Okay then.” ****  
** **

He looked around the roomy kitchen. It was just them two. ****  
** **

“Actually, mom,” He swallowed, unsure if he would regret this later. “Do you need help with anything? I mean… like making breakfast and stuff?” ****  
** **

“Really?” She fully wheeled around from the eggs she was scrambling. ****  
** **

“Yeah,” He nodded. “I mean, I'm early and I wouldn't mind.” ****  
** **

The small prideful smile that crossed his mother's face made it all worth it. ****  
** **

“Thank you, honey. Maybe you could start on the bacon while I finish up these eggs.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” He said, placing his backpack down by the island and walking over to the frying pan. He went about the doing the basics: oiling the pan, waiting for the distinctive sizzling sound, and then laying the bacon down on the pan. They worked in relative silence, as the need for speaking wasn't really there. His mom spoke though, while he was getting the strips from the freezer. ****  
** **

“Maybe you should invite Josh over for dinner.” ****  
** **

“What?” He almost dropped the tray he was holding. ****  
** **

“Joshua. Your friend.” She looked at him. “You too used to be inseparable, and I know you miss him. Invite him over. My treat.” ****  
** **

Tyler stood there, speechless and frozen in his spot. His jaw was swinging open. ****  
** **

“That bacon isn't going to make itself.” His mom chirped, causing him to snap out of whatever daze he was in. ****  
** **

“Okay, mom, geez.”

****

***

****

Tyler was sitting in Study Hall, the last period of the day, diligently working on explaining the history of the downfall of Roman Empire as notes for his test on Monday. His hands hurt, and his head hurt, so he leaned back in his chair slipping out his phone. He tried to be slick about it, as the teacher wasn’t that chill with that kind of stuff. ****  
** **

_Ty <3: jish _ ****  
** **

_Ty <3: *josh  _ ****  
** **

_Ty <3: you kno what I like jish better _ ****  
** **

_Ty <3: hold up lemme change ur contact name _ ****  
** **

The other boy across the room was relaxed in his chair, eyes shut and head bobbing to the beat resounding through his earbuds. He opened his eyes and pulled out his phone, a huge smile splitting his face he did. His eyes met Tyler's for a fleeting second. ****  
** **

_jishwa: what's up man_ ****  
** **

_Ty <3: we need to talk _ ****  
** **

_jishwa: oh no am I in trouble_ ****  
** **

_jishwa: who replaced my amazing cuddles_ ****  
** **

Tyler snorted. ****  
** **

_Ty <3: no one replaced your cuddles n you're not in trouble _ ****  
** **

_jishwa: yay_ ****  
** **

Tyler had to contain his laughter when he saw Josh do a fist pump out of the corner of his eye. ****  
** **

_Ty <3: come over for dinner around 7 _ ****  
** **

_jishwa: Idk I have plans_ ****  
** **

Tyler glanced across the room to see Josh smirking slyly at him.  ****  
** **

_Ty <3: we can watch x files and play mario kart after  _ ****  
** **

_Ty <3: ill let you win _ ****  
** **

_jishwa: I'll be there_ ****  
** **

Tyler smiled, feeling his face muscles twist up in a strangely familiar way, and watching Josh reciprocate made everything in the room seem brighter.  ****  
** **

This boy was really something.

****

***

****

It was Saturday morning. ****  
** **

The weekend had barely started and Josh was already ruined. A limp cigarette hung from his bruised lips as he leaned against the column on his porch, unable to support his own weight. ****  
** **

His body was weak, but his resolve was weaker.  ****  
** **

He'd started smoking again around two months before, unable to keep the fleeing fragments of his sanity without the comforting taste of dry nicotine across his tongue. He'd effectively broken his promise to Tyler, but he'd known that since he had started again, he wouldn't be able to stop. So he'd sworn never to let the other boy find out. He'd blown all of his money on cigarettes and cheap cologne, one to relieve his stress, and the other to cover up the evidence. And he'd been successful, for the most part. Tyler was so proud of him for “kicking” his addiction, and Josh had played along, even celebrating with him when he'd reached three months clean a couple of weeks ago. Josh simply didn't have it in his heart to break Tyler's, so he'd kept his relapse a secret, putting on a brave face whenever he could, and he’d distanced himself from his boyfriend. The suffocating guilt of his betrayal had blemished their once strong relationship.  ****  
** **

And it was all Josh’s fault.  ****  
** **

But when he'd gone over to Tyler's house for dinner, everything seemed fine, until they went upstairs to play video games. They'd sat on opposite sides of the room, and an awkward silence had filled the air. They'd seemed more like ten-year-old's who didn't know each other, but who were stuck together for a school project. It was embarrassing frankly, and Josh had even left early to escape the nervous air.  ****  
** **

Their relationship was ruined. ****  
** **

Josh placed an unsteady foot in front of his other, panting madly as he limped in some direction. Blood was tracking down his leg, leaving wet trails on its long, gravity-fueled journey to the textured sidewalk. He tried to step over a large brick in the middle of the path, but in a badly calculated move, but he landed on his ass, yelping as the burning pain shot through his spine. He was covered his own blood and saliva and his rash decision to try to step over it only spread more of it across his body. His outcry caused more blood to leak out of his slightly ajar lips, traveling down his chin and dripping onto his permanently stained shirt. ****  
** **

His body was probably damaged in some permanent way, evident by the gore pouring from all over his body, the soreness that seemed to emanate from his bones, and the fact that he _couldn't stop shaking_ .  ****  
** **

And even though each breath was cut short by the stabbing pain in his lungs, there was nothing physical about the abuse, as it was simply an unwanted byproduct. Every piece of his personality was maligned and rebuffed, stripped away piece by piece until nothing was left. He was less than nothing in fact, not even as enjoyed as an object to be used as a scapegoat. Every look from his dad was twined with contempt and pronounced annoyance that his only talent was taking up space. Every word thrown his was measured, perfectly adapted to sully his dignity, and chip off the remaining bits of who he was as a person. ****  
** **

That was what broke him, not so much the hitting or the punching, or even the molestation, but the embarrassment and the vile words and his unbelievable powerlessness. He knew, if he ever did escape his father, he would never be happy or the same again. ****  
** **

The cigarette almost flew out his hands as he lost his balance, the world in front of him blurred into a whitish shade. ****  
** **

He was losing his mind.

****

*** ****  
** **

 

The weekend had finally come. ****  
** **

The distorted light dancing across the surface of the water droplets were braille against the glass the window pane, spelling out muted messages of early morning humidity. The beams of sunlight cascading into the room in unbridled heaps warped into rainbow spirals against the chipped paint of the bed frame.  ****  
** **

Tyler was splayed out on his contemporary bed, his red checkered blanket swathing him in a cocoon of flowing fabric. His unblinking gaze was fixed on the navy blue of his far wall, the thoughts of his spinning mind bouncing around in the cave of head, and not giving him much time to focus on much else. He’d woken up to an empty house, his family leaving without a word of warning. A part of him wondered where they were, but a part of him didn’t care. There was no shame in letting the latter win, he supposed, but didn’t get the opportunity to dwell on it before the thought scrambled away like a startled bird. ****  
** **

The space on his back was begging for the warm press of a chest against it, and the skin on his arms were tingling for the soft caress of calloused fingertips to rub the goosebumps away. His eyes ached for the sight frazzled curls, the color of fresh cherries. But he was no longer allowed to want those things, as only a good man deserved those few blessings. ****  
** **

He lazily scratched at the cracked skin of his forearms, the back of his mind buzzing slightly. There wasn’t exactly a trigger he could identify, but it was like the urges had never left. His fingernails tapped against the metal chains wrapped around his wrist, and his lip slipped inside his mouth.  ****  
** **

He had to keep his side of the deal, no matter how much he wanted to give in. But, _damn,_ was it difficult. Breaking the habit was surely the easiest part, it was refraining from falling back into old ways that tested the strength of the mind. There hadn’t been a single day in the past three months where he didn’t want to feel the sweet release of a metallic blade splitting a course across his pale skin. He had to pretend he didn’t miss watching the blood bead up into perfect crimson spheres, the light reflecting on the surface in swirling white shapes-  ****  
** **

A sluggish knock at the front door caught his attention.  ****  
** **

He turned over, cloaking himself further into the sheets, but the knocking ensued again, woozier this time.  ****  
** **

Tyler sifted the hurtful thoughts out of his mind, dragging his thumb across the engravings on the pendants around his wrist as he unsnared himself from the coiling bed sheets and crawled downstairs, dragging his feet each step. No one should be showing up this early, and he was ready to rip them a new asshole over it. He hoped it was just a package delivery so he could sign and crawl back into bed.  ****  
** **

He angled his eye through the door’s peephole, almost simultaneously gasping and squealing in excitement when he noticed a tuft of bright red hair. He fumbled with the double lock for a second, pulling the door open shortly after.  ****  
** **

The sight in front of him was one he would never forget. ****  
** **

The other boy's face was mainly untouched, but there was mud and dirt was speckled throughout his hued neck that was spotted with blood. His t-shirt was shredded where it hung loosely from his body, exposing most of his bony chest. His khakis swung low from his hips, his torn leather belt was hastily buckled and tangled with a piece of his tarnished white shirt. In between the tears, deep flurries of wounds were cut into the flesh of his gnarled chest. Blood oozed out heavily, a bluish-purple bruise forming around their collective mass. Shards of glass were embedded in his swollen skin. His breath was coming out in short puffs, and his fists were squeezed white by his sides. ****  
** **

The smell of smoke, and a lesser one of beer, was pungent in the air. ****  
** **

“Josh-” ****  
** **

Tyler didn’t even have time to finish his sentence before the other boy’s eyes rolled back, and he began to fall. Tyler caught his elbow at the last second, lowering them both to the ground, with Josh’s slack head on his lap. In the grip of silent panic, wild eyes, heart racing, brain on fire, Tyler patted his pockets, feeling for his phone. His violently trembling fingers almost released their grip on the device, as the call rung for a single time. Sweat drenched his skin, the throbbing of his own eyes amplifying as he squeezed them shut. There were echoing tremors in his ears, and the hurried thumping of his heart against his chest.  ****  
** **

_“911, what’s your emergency?”_ A woman’s clear voice spoke strongly, but did little to calm Tyler down. ****  
** **

“I-I, oh f-fuck,” He coughed quietly. “I n-need an ambulance.” ****  
** **

_“Are you in immediate danger?”_ ****  
** **

“No, i-it’s my boyfriend.” He managed. “H-he showed up a-at my h-house, and holy s-shit, I d-don’t think h-he’s breath-breathing and Jesus-” ****  
** **

_“Sir, I need you to calm down. We already have an ambulance dispatched your way and they’ll be there soon.”_ ****  
** **

“P-please hurry.” ****  
** **

_“We’ll be there as fast as we can.”_ ****  
** **

Tyler kept talking to the operator, stumbling over his words. He removed his hoodie at one point, wrapping it around Josh's gushing midsection. His head was quickly pivoting from side to side, scanning for the ambulance that _needed_ to get here right fucking now. He felt cold fingers brush against his flushed cheeks, and he looked down to see wet umber eyes peering into his soul. ****  
** **

Josh was _smiling_ .  ****  
** **

He took Tyler's hand in his own, squeezing it tightly, and never once breaking their gaze. ****  
** **

Sirens increased in volume as they neared.

****

*** ****  
** **

 

The waiting room was silent. ****  
** **

Of course, there were the everpresent clicks of keyboards and the quiet chatter of others, but none of the sounds reached Tyler’s ears. His fingers were curled into a tight fist, nails digging sharply into his palms. Oxygen flowed through his body in bursts, each one preceded by a quiet cough. ****  
** **

He was reliving it; the unhealthy tender skin of his neck, the fingerprint bruises all over his body, the blood gushing from _everywhere,_ and the paleness of his complexion that made him appear dead on his feet.  ****  
** **

That was almost six hours ago, but every _fucking_ detail was still fresh in his mind. It was getting to be late, and he’d received a few worried texts from his family, but he could not unroot himself from the unforgiving plastic of the waiting room chair until he found out if Josh was okay. That was his biggest worry, not if his parents were going to be mad, or if he’d eaten today. He didn’t care in the slightest about those things, as his palm gripped within it his necklace. ****  
** **

So he sat there, waiting. ****  
** **

A tall gentleman, maybe around his fifties, entered the room shortly after. His face was smooth but wrinkled, endearing crow’s feet by his eyes detailing his age. His striking blue eyes peered around the room, seemingly searching for something.  ****  
** **

Tyler approached him. ****  
** **

“Sir,” He started, voice a little hoarse from disuse. “I've been here for hours, I just want to find out how my boyfriend is doing.” ****  
** **

“Ah, you must be…” He glanced at a clipboard in his arms. “Tyler Joseph? You brought Mr. Dun in here a while ago.” ****  
** **

“Yes, _please,_ I just want to know how he is doing.” ****  
** **

The older man’s eyes eased, and he pulled off the glasses framing his face. “I'm not gonna lie to you, son, when he came in, he was in pretty rough shape.” ****  
** **

“Is he okay?” Tyler held his breath.  ****  
** **

“Though he was pretty beaten up, it wasn't anything critical.” ****  
** **

Tyler exhaled audibly.  ****  
** **

“Can I see him?” ****  
** **

“We've managed to patch him up, but it's not an easy sight to see. He's not awake right now either. You should come back tomorrow and see him then, and he'd probably be more present.” ****  
** **

“No, no.” Tyler shook his head. “Can I see him please?” ****  
** **

“Of course, Mr. Joseph. Follow me.” The man turned and gestured for Tyler to follow. The doctor kept talking as they walked down the brightly lit hall. “My name is Lewis, and I'll be the main doctor for Mr. Dun during his stay here. Now, these wounds were relatively minor, as they were uninfected and fresh.” They turned down a less hectic hallway, with plenty of doors but a lack of nurses. “There was not much internal bleeding or rupture from the impacts but there is much bruising. We just bandaged most of the wounds on his arm, chest, and neck. This means that Mr. Dun is doing fine, and if he recovers well, we should be able to send him home by tomorrow.” ****  
** **

“Really? Thank God, I thought he was close to death.” ****  
** **

“He wasn't that far off.” ****  
** **

“What? But you just said-” ****  
** **

“If you had brought him in only ten minutes later, his chances of making it would have plummeted.” He put a hand on Tyler's shoulder when they stopped. “It was just in time.” ****  
** **

Tyler opened his mouth to say something, but shut it eventually when nothing came out. Dr. Lewis smiled sadly at him. ****  
** **

“This is his room. A nurse will be by to check on him in about half an hour.” ****  
** **

“Thank you.” He spun into the room.  ****  
** **

He tiptoed in, shutting the door quietly behind him. The room had as little personality as the rest of the hospital. The floor was an ashy grey tile and the walls were the same shade of too-bright-white as the hallway walls. Tyler took a step forward before pausing. There was a wall on his right obscuring his view of the bed, and he hesitated, truly questioning if he _wanted_ to see the grizzly sight ahead of him. He took a small breath, and braced himself for the worst. ****  
** **

Josh was swaddled up in the thin hospital blanket, laying on his left unharmed side. Only the top half of his face and the length of his red curls were visible from under it. His mouth was slightly ajar, small puffs of air exiting it causing bits of curls in front of his mouth to sway gently. Even in this tragedy, Josh managed to look boyish, even pristine. There was not an ounce of pain or struggle on his features, only peace in an unconscious world. ****  
** **

Tyler gulped, taking a seat in a comfy resting chair nearby. The room was tidy, at least, everything fitting the societal picturesque view of a hospital. The quiet beeping of the ECD formed a steady rhythm, and Tyler bit his lip. As much as he would rather be snuggled up in his bed at home than this rough, overused chair, Josh was far more important than his comfortability.  ****  
** **

So he relaxed, watching as the sun began to lower in the sky.  ****  
** **

He scanned the room once more, his leg bouncing anxiously as Josh stirred a bit, turning over onto his back. A clipboard laid on the nightstand, reflecting some of the light of the setting sun, caught his eye. It had no attendee, almost as if it had been forgotten or left by mistake. He strained, rocking to his toes to pick it up, of course, curiosity and lack of mental stimulation getting the better of him. There was a plain white sheet covering the first page, almost serving as a barrier for the information ahead. Tyler was having second thoughts, considering simply setting the papers down and moving on with his life, but the anticipation was simply too much.  ****  
** **

His eyes scanned down the page, picking up as much information as he could. The majority of the phrases were scrawled in with a smeared gel pen, but the severity they carried was clear as day.

_Patient Name: Joshua William Dun_

_DOB (mm/dd/yyyy): 06/18/1988_

_Ethnicity: Caucasian_

_Sex: M_

_Admittance: 12:37am_

_Admission Basis: ER, Paramedics interned_

_Insurance: None, assistance provided_

_Status: Stable_

_Smoker, last four weeks?: Yes_

_Other drugs, tested positive: Lysergide (LSD), Tetrahydrocannabinol (Marijuana), Hydrochloride (Cocaine)._ ****  
** **

_Injuries treated: Neck bruising and cuts around throat, glass shards imbedded in right lower forearm (cleaned and bandaged), left pinky finger fractured with force (casted), bruising on lower calf, skin tearing on chest area (bandaged), suspected bruised ribs, blunt force trauma to Celiac Plexus. Additional: cuts on groin, rectal bleeding (stopped, but likely to return), harsh rectal fissures (repeated rape likely), blood-_ ****  
** **

The paper was becoming too blurry to read. He bit his tongue and pressed his eyelids together, trying to reel back the tears that threatened to breach them. And that was when he couldn’t. First, one small crystal bead escaped his shut eye. He could feel the warmth of it sliding down his cheek, and rolling off my chin. Then another. And another. His chest heaved with a quiet sob, and more tears flooded behind his eyelids, slipping down his cheeks.  ****  
** **

Why did he insist on torturing himself? ****  
** **

He dragged his sleeve across his face, trying to mop up the evidence of his despair. He rubbed harshly, his shirt licking up the remnants of his emotional fit. He set the clipboard down where it was originally, abandoned on the nightstand. He took a deep breath, trying to will his fists to unclench by his sides. His chest rose with the rush of air, and he tipped his head back onto the back of the chair. ****  
** **

He shut his eyes, counting his breaths.

****

***

****

Josh's eyes slid open only to met with a room with as much lighting as an underground cave. A barely illuminated clock on the wall read 11:05, and he groaned, remembering where he was.  ****  
** **

The pain throbbed warmly in his guts, but not in a nice way. It felt like someone had their hand in his guts and were squeezing his organs as hard as they could. It pulsed when he moved, and when it intensified, he could only hold still and breathe, slow and long until passed. His abdomen was stained and lumpy where it should have been smooth.  ****  
** **

He hoped the strength of the sedatives would return quickly. ****  
** **

His memory of the events prior to this were a bit patchy, with bits and pieces missing. The only crystal clear thing in his memory was the encounter with his father, the most violent one yet. It _was_ his fault for resisting so much that he ended up in the emergency room. Most of the time he'd let it happen, only pleading with his father with weak cries to stop. He'd walk away scratched up, his will a little more broken, but still in one physical piece. This time though, he didn't know what had gotten into him. He'd kicked and screamed and pushed and clawed, tirelessly fighting back. He almost felt proud of himself for putting up a fight that surprised both his father and himself, but the resistance only led to more pain and more injuries, and truly, he regretted every punch he threw in response.  ****  
** **

All he had to do was wait three more months, until he was eighteen, before he could leave this town and never look back. He could leave, maybe to California where he could blend in with the average teenage crowd. He’d been saving money for almost two years, just so he would have something to fall back on when he would get an apartment in a high rise building. It was a fresh start, one he’d been aching for for months, away from everything he knew. ****  
** **

Well that had been his plan, until he'd gotten his heart stolen by the most caring boy on the planet.  ****  
** **

He didn't know what do with his life now.  ****  
** **

Could he really let someone else get in the way of a life plan he'd been building for the past year? Was it worth it to subject himself to this for a couple more months just so he could be with the love of his life? Though, could he really leave a piece of his heart behind like that? ****  
** **

He glanced at where the thin blanket tangled with his legs, and the answer was clear to him. ****  
** **

He wondered where the other boy was, until a flash of memory washed over him. One of frantic voices, pleading tones, cedar smells, and flannel pajamas.  ****  
** **

_Tyler._ ****  
** **

He shot up from where he was laying, head spinning on a pivot around the room. On his left side, he could make out a shadow plopped down on a chair in the room. He squinted a little, trying to bring the figure into to focus in the lackluster light. ****  
** **

Tyler was sitting, posture slouched, with the back of his head against the crest rail of the chair. His head was tossed back, his mouth slightly open, and a small fleck of drool shimmered on the corner of his lip. ****  
** **

_Tyler had stayed_ , he realized as his heart literally melted into a puddle of goo. ** **  
****

“Tyler?” He whispered. His voice came out even quieter than he intended. “Tyler?” He said louder this time, but the noise dissolved into a rush of heavy coughs. The brunette perked up, sitting up instantly and scanning the room frantically. ****  
** **

There was something solemn swimming in his eyes. They were such a unique colour, a mix of light and dark hues that glistened with such hope and relief. They looked at Josh's eyes now, so wide and beautiful, with so much open emotion held inside. Their stunning coffee shade held a truth that his face could not hide. The miserable chill that they conveyed shook his heart to a point of physical pain.  ****  
** **

“Josh.” He whispered as he rubbed his eyes gently. ****  
** **

“You’re gonna hurt your neck if you sleep like that.” Josh mumbled when he'd found his voice. “Come lay with me in bed, Ty.” ****  
** **

The brunette nodded, massaging his throat, and shuffled over to the railing, grasping onto it as a stronghold as he hoisted himself onto the mattress. He was incredibly careful with his weight, setting each limb after the other down deliberately, as if not to jostle Josh. He clasped his fingers around Josh's thin waist, keeping his touches featherlight. Tyler pressed a light kiss to his forehead, before resting his chin in the crook of Josh's neck. With Tyler's warm chest against his back, he felt his eyes begin to slip shut. ****  
** **

Tyler sighed. ****  
** **

It wasn't a content one, or a sad one, but just a mix of many unpleasant emotions released in one puff of air. ****  
** **

“What's wrong?” Josh croaked out, opening a single eye. ****  
** **

“Josh,” Another small sigh. “What happened?” ****  
** **

There was a split second of silence before Josh responded. ****  
** **

“It was a dog.” The excuse slipped out easily. “I was going on a run and there was this huge dog, like a pitbull type thing-” ****  
** **

“Spare me the lies, Josh.”  ****  
** **

Josh's jaw snapped shut. There was a beat of silence before Tyler's hold tightened around Josh's waist.  ****  
** **

“I thought I lost you.”  ****  
** **

A rigidity found its way into Josh's throat, and he opened his mouth to speak, but Tyler beat him to it. ****  
** **

“I really did.” He chuckled, a hint of remorse mixing with the otherwise wistful sound. “I guess I already lost you. In these past few months, we haven't been… _us._ I don't know what happened, but it was like what we had just _broke_ . I miss us. I miss you.” His warm breath raised the hairs on the back of his nape. “I miss you more than I miss life, Josh, and I couldn't even begin to imagine living it without you.” Josh's eyes squeezed shut. “I swore to you that I would help you through anything, but god, _I'm failing._ You're suffering and I can see it, but I'm _trying_ Josh. All these secrets, _these lies_ , I can't tell them from truth half the time, and anytime I get close, you run off. I want to make good on what I said, because you deserve at least that much.”  ****  
** **

The brunette reached up to rub away a tear rolling down Josh's cheek. ****  
** **

“ _Please_ , Josh, what happened?” ****  
** **

He took in slow breaths through his nose, focusing on the way his chest rose unsteadily before falling back down. ****  
** **

“It's my dad.” His voice sounded weak, even to his own ears. It was coated thick with layers of apprehension as the words tumbled out his mouth. Tyler tensed behind him, but didn't say anything, only squeezed Josh's midsection a bit more. ****  
** **

“He's a bit of a drinker.” Josh continued. “He goes out and drinks his mind numb, and he's always been kind of a confused drunk, so I don't really blame him for what he does.” ****  
** **

“What does he do?” The brunette’s voice was flat, but crackly, obviously trying to conceal emotion. ****  
** **

“He… uh,” Josh gulped. ****  
** **

“Did he do this to you?” Tyler asked carefully, his breath cutting off after the question. ****  
** **

Josh's silence was enough of an answer apparently. ****  
** **

Suddenly, Tyler sat up, looking Josh in the eye with a hint of fear. Josh shut his eyes immediately, unable to bear the pity and disgust probably resided in there. ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler started unsurely, but Josh could feel his eyes scanning him. “On your injury report it said something about rectal fissures. Serious ones that indicated... repeated trauma. Does your father… does he _rape_ you?” ****  
** **

Josh's hands flew up to his face, as the tears burst out of his eyes, racing down his face. The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. Everything was just gone. The floodgates had opened and so many tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down his face. His chin trembled like a small child’s and he breathed heavier than he ever had before. He was gasping for air that simply wasn’t there.  ****  
** **

Brick by brick, his walls came crumbling down, falling to dust, bringing buckets of pent up tears with them. He gripped the bed sheets, the railing, his gown, he was simply in hysterics. Everything he'd been pushing down, repressing, for years, finally bubbled up, coming up to the surface as loud sobs and violent tremors. ****  
** **

He could faintly see glints of brightness, and that was when the world began to turn milky.  ****  
** **

He could feel fingers on his cheeks, and thrashed violently, twisting and punching despite the searing pain ripping his lungs. The panic contracted of the chest, as if the muscles were choke out his breaths. Then his mind became static, thoughts made no sense, replaying horrors once forgotten. Before he knew it, he was sitting on the floor, limbs unwilling to work at all. ****  
** **

It was when he landed on the freezing tile of the hospital, ribs-first, that everything paused for a second. There was a split second of darkness, pure bliss, before the pain returned tenfold, but sharper. His senses picked up fluffy, dark hair and a frantic voice. He couldn't quite form a coherent thought, but he knew these things were special in some way so he reached out towards it.  ****  
** **

A hand laced with his, soft and hesitant, but unbelievably safe. ****  
** **

The pain of landing on his ribs and chest was unbearable but the world in front of him was clearing up. ****  
** **

Tyler's watery eyes were the first things that came into focus. Then his flushed cheeks, then a scratch on his face that definitely wasn't there before, then finally the rest of the room.  ****  
** **

A thumb stroked the back of his hand, and then the sides of his cheeks, cool to the touch and sedated. A chapped kiss graced his sweaty forehead, and when he pulled away, all it left was a little tingle, a phantom touch. But when he planted the kiss there, a warmth spread through Josh’s body and his mind filled with a pleasant buzz. The simple gesture spoke of infallible loyalty and a security that Josh could only hope was genuine.  ****  
** **

“Do you need help getting back onto the bed?” His voice was smooth like midnight velvet, with the pure emotions translated into the mini inflections, like kindling stars.  ****  
** **

“Yeah.” Tyler took him up by the arm, lifting him up unhurriedly, and walked their two joint bodies two steps over to the bed.  ****  
** **

Josh was panting by the end of it. ****  
** **

Tyler adjusted the IV drip in Josh’s arm, straightening out the bandage, and pushed some of his matted red hair out of the way. ****  
** **

“I’m going to get a nurse.” He muttered, turning around to walk away. ****  
** **

“No, no, please.” Josh whined, groaning shortly thereafter due to the pain. “No nurse.” ****  
** **

The other boy faced him, something akin to confusion or worry creasing his features, but he nodded. ****  
** **

Tyler laid down, facing Josh this time, nuzzling his head on top of Josh’s. ****  
** **

“I’m sorry.” Josh whispered, burrowing his head into Tyler’s chest. “You don't deserve this whole _mess,_ and these lies Tyler, I’m _so_ sorry.” ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler hushed him. “Let’s talk about this in the morning, okay?” ****  
** **

“Please don’t leave.” And _God,_ Josh couldn’t remember the last time he made such a pathetic sound. ****  
** **

Tyler chuckled, hugging Josh just a bit closer. ****  
** **

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

****

***

****

The slightest sliver of a crescent moon hung overhead, making the orange streetlights more effective at lighting up the nighttime landscape. The air washed over exposed parts of his body, and he twined his fingers in the breeze, attempting to grasp on and float away with it. ****  
** **

He didn’t want to be _here._ ****  
** **

Alone, terrified, and oh, so _angry_ at three in the morning, in an already sleeping city. Each step he took was shaky and tense, his nails biting into the fabric of his t-shirt. One thought pulsed over and over in his head. ****  
** **

_How did I not know?_ ****  
** **

The answer though truly unbeknownst to him, seemed to exist somewhere in the depths of his conscience. Was he so stupid as to not recognize the signs? Josh's reluctance for contact or iffiness about sex, or his unexplained bruises and broken bones. He'd seen all of those, yes, but it'd never occurred to him they might be connected or linked. They had just been unfortunate and ugly coincidences in his mind. ****  
** **

He'd never thought anyone, especially the boy's own father, would lay a finger on _his precious Josh._ ****  
** **

Or perhaps, he just didn't want to notice. ****  
** **

Maybe he'd unknowingly turned a blind eye to Josh's cries for help. Had he pushed Josh further into his life of terror by hiding from the blatant facts? Maybe he'd ignored the signs to protect himself from the ugly truth. Because it _tore him apart_ to see Josh all battered, and broken, so _maybe_ he’d hidden himself from the sad reality to save his own emotional skin. ****  
** **

And then there was the guilt. The feeling that burned him out from the inside, searing his heart and his muscles alike. He didn't know how long Josh had been dealing with this, but he vaguely remembered fading bruises on his face the first time they'd met, and the way Josh flattened himself against a wall to get away from Tyler's _hand_ . On the first _freaking_ day of school, more than 7 months ago. ****  
** **

He cursed himself. ****  
** **

The urge to rip his body apart piece by piece was becoming intolerable, but he couldn't let his emotions get the better of him. But Josh’s panicked thrashing and his red-rimmed eyes and his deafening responding silence rushed back in gusts into his teary mind’s eye. His remaining thread of strength unraveled before dissipating entirely, sending him hurtling into the darkness. Hysterical sobs shook his thin frame. He pressed his fist against his temple, letting out a small cough that quickly morphed into another sob. ****  
** **

His legs gave out, and his palms were met with the creviced concrete of the sidewalk. He pulled his fist back, driving it harshly back into the ground, again and again. Tears dripped onto his bleeding knuckles, and he pressed one against his stuttering chest, his heart flitting wildly. His eyes pinched shut. ****  
** **

He prayed. ****  
** **

“Dear Lord,” He squeezed his fists tighter. “James 5:16 says _‘The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.’_ I am not righteous, God. I have- and will- continue to sin against you and doubt you. I loath, and I’m so... self-centered an-and blind. But I ask for a prayer for someone much more righteous than I.” His voice split, more tears staining his face. “I need you to help Josh realize how _strong_ he is. I need you to watch over him, j-just until I can fix _this whole thing._ And I am coming to you, vulnerable and alone, but asking for… your help. Just please, if you can, give him all the happiness in the world and keep his soul light and joyful. Amen.” ****  
** **

He could not force himself to stand, so he stayed prostrated, just pleading and sniffling, glancing up at the overcast night sky. ****  
** **

He got no response.

****

***

****

The doorknob was slick when he twisted it, the door creaking open with the quiet screams of rusted hinges. Tyler had forgotten his keys and his wallet in his rush to get to the hospital, so the rustle on the musty spare ones was just another noise in the deadness of the Joseph household. He wasn’t necessarily trying to be quiet, as all the lights in the house were off or muted, and the occasional snore echoed throughout the large space. He walked over to the deep basin sink of the kitchen, turning the water on the lowest pressure, and rinsed out the debris lodged in between the raw skin of his hand.  ****  
** **

“Where the hell have you been?”  ****  
** **

Tyler jumped, almost squeaking aloud because of the unexpected startle. ****  
** **

“Out.” He responded, still not turning to face his father. ****  
** **

“Tyler,” The much softer voice of his mother spoke. “Please.” ****  
** **

He said nothing, reaching over to grab a paper napkin to dry his hands. It came away stained with blood. ****  
** **

“Were you at party? Out drinking and fucking up your life before it’s even started?” His father’s tone was deeply accusatory, and footsteps approached.  ****  
** **

Tyler growled under his breath, throwing the tissues away in a trash bag nearby. His muscles ached, his eyelids were heavy, and there was an emotional knife in his chest.  ****  
** **

“No.” He said bluntly, walking towards the staircase. ****  
** **

“Don’t you dare take another step.” This actually made Tyler stop and turn, his normal attitude was overtaken by a deep seeded frustration. ****  
** **

“ _No,_ I didn’t go to a party. I didn’t do anything wrong. Now please, _for the love of God,_ let me go to bed.” ****  
** **

“You fucking disappeared for more than sixteen hours, and we didn’t get a single text as to where you were. What was more important than your own flesh and blood, Tyler? What was so urgent that you had to leave all of us behind.” ****  
** **

“I don’t think it’s necessary to talk to him that way.” HIs mother chimed in, standing up too.  ****  
** **

“I don't think it was _necessary_ for him to vanish without a word of warning.” His yell was like a booming bark, making both of them jump. “What was more than your family this time?” ****  
** **

“Guys, what’s wrong? I heard yelling.” Zack appeared upstairs, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Tyler, why are you covered in blood?” ****  
** **

“Go back to bed, Zack.” His father waved him off, turning to back to his wife. They exchanged tough words, shrill yells, even Zack interjected every so often. ****  
** **

Too many thing were happening at once, and his fingers clenched by his side, grasping onto the flannel material of his pants. ****  
** **

“Just, shut up!” Quickening his pace, he started to run out of the room in complete chagrin and into his own, where he voiced a gruff cry. His eyes stung. ****  
** **

He slammed the door, the whole house quaking under his wrath. His eyes widened, and his breaths were ragged and harsh. His hands trembled at his sides and he jammed his fist into his mouth to stifle a scream. ****  
** **

The ringing yells vibrating in his ears and the thumping of his heart against his chest grew louder and he crawled into bed, stuffing his head under his pillow. The paralyzing hurt spread through his body like icy, liquid metal. ****  
** **

It was too much. ****  
** **

His heartache had rung him out until he was shriveled inside, no more tears would come. His insides were as raw as a winter wind. ****  
** **

He was done.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets worse before it gets even worse.
> 
> It's about to get worse.


	18. As if

His hands spilled a white powder onto a cracked glass table. An expired credit card sliced the powder into thin lines. The rolled-up dollar bill lowered. The lines were snorted. ****  
** **

The burning spreading through his throat shuddered before erupting, setting his insides ablaze with tranquility. The snapback tumbled off of his head, taking millenia to collide with the low carpet threads below. His heart thumped against the bars of his ribcage, as if it was trying to escape through spontaneous combustion. He became hot and breathed out wintry air, sweaty and giddy. ****  
** **

The distant sounds of sluggish laughs reached his ears and a smile crossed his lips, stroking the blonde hair of the girl laying across his bare chest. He blew out another smoke ring, snickering madly when it came out a bit skewed. He moved for more of the powder despite his own brain protesting, as if his actions were severed from his morals. His hands moved the prepare the new dose.  _ It's just one more, I'll do better tomorrow, _ he told himself. ****  
** **

It scratched against the walls of his nostrils a taste so sour that soon morphed into one of devilish sweetness. The burn in his airways satisfied his racing mind. He could breathe for once. ****  
** **

With luscious powder in his hands, thick smoke that filled his lungs and blanketed his mind, and bright pills that distorted the world as he knew, he was invincible. They called to him in such an alluring voice and snaked around his ankles so fondly he couldn’t help but fall back into its bliss. ****  
** **

A pinki snuck into the hole of his gauges pulling down gently, and speaking against the thick stubble on his chin. ****  
** **

“Josh,” Debby’s smile was lopsided. “Your phone’s ringing.” ****  
** **

Josh rolled over to grab it, accepting the call before even glancing at the caller ID. ****  
** **

“Hello?” ****  
** **

“ _ Hello, sir,”  _ The voice started. “ _ Is this Mr. Dun? Joshua Dun?”  _ ****  
** **

“Yeah, who’s this?” He sat up and pushed Debby off of his chest, getting a pout from her in response.  ****  
** **

_ “Good. This is Dr. Lewis. I was your doctor for your stay at the hospital seven days ago.” _ ****  
** **

“Yes, sir, I remember you.” He slurred a bit, but instantly switched to a more respectful tone. “What’s the problem?” ****  
** **

“ _ Er… I don't how to put this Joshua,”  _ His voice lowered slightly.  _ “But the rest of your test results came back, including the rest of your blood tests and your x-rays.” _ ****  
** **

“Is there anything wrong?” He stood, and Debby glanced at him with creased brows.  ****  
** **

_ “I think you should come in today so we can talk about this in person.” _ ****  
** **

“Okay.”  ****  
** **

And, dear lord, Josh did not like the sound of that.

****

***

****

The new paper smell of the book wafted into Tyler’s nostrils, the ink of the fading lettering serving as an underlying acrid punch. It opened with a rush of cascading pages, snowy colors dotted with spots of pitch characters.  ****  
** **

His empty eyes scanned the pages inattentively, but a thought pounded in his mind again and again.  ****  
** **

_ Twenty one pilots died because of a man’s decision.  _ ****  
** **

Tyler let the book fall closed. It made a tired sound, like a cell phone thudding against padded carpet; a puff of air. He rolled out of bed, trying to ignore the building pain at the back of his skull, but it throbbed nonetheless. It buzzed like someone had driven a knife into his skull, just to poke at his brain. He leaned his head against the wall, the sweat slicking up where his skin met the dry surface. Squeezing his eyes shut, he prayed for the pain to subside. All he could concentrate on was the pain rooted deep in his head. He could barely hear his phone buzzing on his nightstand. ****  
** **

Until he did. ****  
** **

Tyler winced at the piercing light in the darkness, turning his phone over to block out the sound. He inhaled deeply when all went quiet again, savoring the charcoal darkness again. The phone vibrated  _ again,  _ and he grumbled as he muted it once more, growling as he took a deep breath. A text lit up the screen, and Tyler resisted the urge to throw the phone against the wall. ****  
** **

_ jishwa: sorry i forgot it’s 6 in the morning _ ****  
** **

_ jishwa: wanna go to the movies or something later, i'll pay _ ****  
** **

Guilt punched him in the gut and he groaned. ****  
** **

_ Ty <3: sure _ ****  
** **

_ Ty <3: where were u btw? we went to bed together but when i woke up you were gone _ ****  
** **

He hoped it didn’t sound accusatory through the text. Yeah, he was a bit suspicious as to Josh’s whereabouts, but nothing like before. Ever since he’d found out about the other boy’s… home situation, he’d demanded that Josh sleep over every single night. He knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he’d knowingly let Josh go back to that hellhole he’d stayed in before. Josh had obeyed sooner or later too, but spent as little time as possible in the home. But, this last week, spent waking up against warm skin and frizzy red curls against his cheek had been the best in his life. The mornings had been filled with cuddling and laziness, and sappy pecks on the lips.  ****  
** **

Tyler had missed that when he’d woken up this morning. ****  
** **

_ jishwa: debby invited me over so i figured i’d go _ ****  
** **

Oh right, her. ****  
** **

_ Ty <3: in the middle of the night? _ ****  
** **

_ jishwa: it’s just harmless fun _ ****  
** **

_ jishwa: so is that a yes to a movie? _ ****  
** **

Tyler hesitated. ****  
** **

_ Ty <3: yeah, txt me when you get here _ ****  
** **

Tyler managed to fully put on a shirt and a hoodie before his phone dinged again. ****  
** **

_ jishwa: i'm here asshole _ ****  
** **

Tyler huffed to himself, rolling his eyes, and walked over to the mirror to check out his outfit. ****  
** **

All he saw was unnatural colorless skin spoiled by charcoal circles under tired eyes. Staring him down were unwashed clothes and dry, peeling skin, overeating and unbreakable dysania. Looking him straight in the eye were filthy dinner plates, ballistic fits and salty midnight sobs, lost weight, long showers but greasy hair.  ****  
** **

He rubbed his eyes until they turned staticky, digging his fingernails into the skin of his eyelids. He gave himself one last disdainful glance in the mirror, and then he grabbed his wallet and his phone. He tiptoed downstairs, carefully avoiding all of creaky spots, and slipped out the door with a small sigh of relief.  ****  
** **

The last thing he wanted was to deal with his family at the moment. ****  
** **

The Audi was parked at the end of the driveway, and he could see Josh’s figure through the passenger side window, hunched over with lips pursed. It was a miracle Tyler could see anything though, as the blackness in the sky was almost absolute, only shattered dimly by the shadows of stars. He opened the door and hopped in wordlessly, as Josh looked from the notebook he was jotting in and shot Tyler a weak smile.  ****  
** **

“Writing?” Tyler buckled himself in. ****  
** **

“Yeah,” Josh placed the notebook in the backseat. “Figured I haven’t done it in a while.”  ****  
** **

“Something’s on your mind?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I have to think through some stuff.” ****  
** **

He started the car and punched the radio into function, but Tyler only clasped his palms over his ears. ****  
** **

“Migraine.” He said through gritted teeth. Spots of colors danced in front of him. ****  
** **

Josh muttered a small apology, opting instead to roll the windows down just a smidge. Crisp, refreshing air blew through the small, confined space, accompanied by an orange twinkles from the street lights adorning the seats. When the car came to a stop at a red light, Josh offered him an ice-cold water bottle and smiled at him with concerned eyes. ****  
** **

_ Thank God for Josh. _ ****  
** **

The car rolled on with little pause, the journey seeming much longer than the normal drive to the movie theater. Tyler almost felt the urge to open his eyes to check where they were, but the soothing buzz of the engine and the whoosh of the circulating early morning air seemed to have tied anvils to his eyelids. ****  
** **

“Tyler?” Josh’s voice was silky honey, luxurious and warm, but faint. “We’re here.” ****  
** **

The park was a small one, a space that could fit two and a half small houses crammed together. It was simply hilly terrain, with only about two yards of flat space between any two dips. There were a couple tall deciduous trees springing up near the edges and sanded wooden benches for people to rest in every corner by jogging tracks that framed the park in a square shape. The farthest corner had a playground for small children to play with.   ****  
** **

“Josh,” He started slowly. “I don’t think you know what a movie theater looks like.” ****  
** **

The other boy pushed his shoulder, pouting and muttering a small ‘shut up’ Tyler’s way. He giggled, that high pitched, unmanly sound, that sometimes was a source of insecurity for him, but the wide toothy grin on Josh’s face wiped all those nervous thoughts away.  ****  
** **

Entering the park, a slight breeze shook the leaves, making a few blooming petals float down. The air was cool, but not too cold, just the right temperature in Tyler’s opinion. A myriad of flowers bespeckled the soil, and Tyler absentmindedly smothered them under his boot with little remorse. He glanced behind him to see Josh, hands stuffed in his pockets, walking on the tips of his toes to avoid every petal, only letting his vans touch the brown soil underneath. Their eyes met for a second and Josh beamed, and his heart stuttered, before swelling to the size of his chest. His insides were a shaken up soda can, fizzing and ready to explode. The world felt light. ****  
** **

“Why're you walking like that?” ****  
** **

“I don't know.” He admitted. “Just feels wrong to stomp on all of the pretty flowers after they spent all that time growing. It's stupid, I know.” ****  
** **

Tyler smiled to himself, shifting his weight onto his toes as well. And,  _ wow,  _ his heart was thawing after years of winter and instantly everything was more vivacious, like an emotional switch had been flipped. ****  
** **

He paused in front of one of the flowering trees. ****  
** **

“Let’s climb it.” He declared boldly, but the other boy was already ahead of him. ****  
** **

His limbs were already hastily clambering up the trunk of the tree, red curls standing out against the brown bark. ****  
** **

“Race ya.” He stuck his tongue out, squinting all cute-like, and continued up the tree. ****  
** **

Tyler wasted no time pouncing on the trunk too, setting his foot down on a low branch and thrusting himself up. The flowering leaves that got too jostled by their hurried movements fluttered down, alone in their journey to the pebbled path. In other parks, maybe there was a feast of color, beautiful greens and pinks, but here it was only a dazzling claret, almost disguising Josh’s hair. He had already taken a comfortable seat in a spoon-like branch, when Josh, who had fallen behind, hopped up onto the tree limb too. ****  
** **

“You’re like a fucking monkey, I swear to god.” He panted. “A sexy one though.” ****  
** **

Tyler chuckled slightly, feeling his cheeks tighten with heat. It was ridiculous, he realized, that they had been dating for more than half a year, and Josh could still make him blush with just a few words. He’d started this whole relationship with his head still spinning from the pure euphoria of dating another guy. He had, of course, figured that he would get over it and break it off with Josh. After all, he had been the most popular guy in the school, and Josh had just been the loser new kid. He probably wouldn’t have cared if he’d hurt Josh, and he would’ve moved on easily, maybe fucking around with Jenna to keep the charade up. ****  
** **

He’d had a specific plan for his senior year: Stay SC president, apply and get into a college of his dreams, accept a scholarship for his basketball talent, take a beautiful girl to prom, and set out on his own. ****  
** **

Then this beautiful boy had waltzed into his life and fucked it all up in the best way possible. ****  
** **

He’d forced Tyler to open his eyes and see his life for what it was. He’d put a soul back into Tyler’s body, and a wide smile on his lips. Not only did he respect and encourage Tyler’s ambitions, he’d given Tyler an outlet to formulate his dreams; a studio that he used whenever he could, to express himself. He’d never has so many flowing poems in his conscience than when Josh had held him in his arms. Josh was the only one that understood Tyler, and there was an unspoken loyalty between them. He knew Josh would go to the moon for him if he asked, and deep in his heart, Tyler knew he would too. The fact that a blade hadn’t touched his skin in six months was more than enough proof of the magic touch of this boy’s lips. There was some level of affection in his heart reserved only for Josh, something secure and sweet. ****  
** **

It was funny how much this boy came to mean to him, he supposed. When their wandering gazes met, it was as if every one of his breaths had been taken from his lungs, leaving his chest in billowing heaps. Every time they kissed, as cliché as it sounded, the world paused for a moment, leaving just the two of them. Every time he held his face in his calloused hands, his stomach simultaneously was knotted and untied. And not to mention, his heart was the size of the moon. He would say the corniest shit, or do the stupidest stuff just to see Tyler smile after a bad day. He would hug and cuddle and kiss Tyler until all of his problems were replaced by the boy in front of him. He wanted nothing more than to be held in those arms for the rest of eternity. ****  
** **

When he’d started this, it was nothing than an explorative crush. But he’d tripped and wound up in the warmest, most dazzling amber eyes he’d ever known, and now, he didn’t know what he felt. ****  
** **

They were supposed to be just friends, and that was what everyone thought. But a great force pulled them together, some higher power or maybe pure luck. He would never forget the way he held his soft, pale face that gave him a sense of belonging, one of security. It was just them two, alone, against the society they were born into that wanted to tear them apart. It was alright though, he sensed, because at least they were alone together. ****  
** **

“I can hear you thinking from here.” Josh whispered, gesturing for Tyler to crawl onto his chest. His face heated up as he scooted closer and laid his head on his broad chest, the boy’s arms around his shoulders. He normally wasn’t super touchy-feely kind of guy, but this was different. He needed it like it was water. The soft stroke of his lithe fingers against his face and the solicitous eyes meeting his own was all he craved. “I think the sun’s coming up.” He said, craning his head to get a better look. Tyler turned his head on his chest and looked up at the sky. ****  
** **

It was a sunrise of breathtaking colors. Bright streaks of red, pink, and gold slowly nipped at the heels of the dark blue and purple of the night sky. The sky was a prism of infinite light and brightness. The dew drops, holding on to the tips of the growing leaves, seemed to glow with their own orange radiance. Even as the sun fully rose and swelled to its full magnificence, Tyler found himself more entranced by Josh’s contracting pupils, and the slight creasing of his skin as he squinted against the light. ****  
** **

“Kiss me?” He found himself pleading. ****  
** **

“You don’t even have to ask.” Josh muttered. ****  
** **

Their lips met, that simple. Tyler could feel the heat from his body, and he gripped onto the fabric of the other boy's shirt as a lifeboat. The quiet scent of Josh snuck into his nostrils, one of thick cologne and the lighter one of nicotine smoke. Tyler felt himself begin reveling in the smell, but alarm bells sounded in his brain. He wanted to push him away and ask so many questions, but he couldn't force himself to. The taste of the other boy muddled his brain, turning it into moldable and impressionable goo. ****  
** **

Tyler should've been used to kissing him by now, but no, it was just as intoxicating every time. ****  
** **

They split eventually, needing to return to normal breathing patterns. Josh was red-faced, with tousled hair, swollen lips, and the stupidest grin on his face. Tyler imagined he looked the same. ****  
** **

“Hey.” He said after a while. ****  
** **

“Hey.” Tyler responded. ****  
** **

_ “Hey.” _ ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“Wanna go swing on the swing set?”

****

***

****

The two boys were sitting in that ice cream parlor they first ate at so many months ago. ****  
** **

Tyler was busy reminiscing on the memories, running his fingers across checkered edge of the table as Josh ordered for them both. He could almost transport himself back into that day, where Josh's bubblegum pink hair was freshly dyed and his smile was brighter than ever. They'd tossed cherries into each other's mouths until the sun went down and then ventured to Tyler's house to play video games. Even though Tyler had lost almost every race, he'd never been more content. Watching Josh's face light up when he took the lead, or how the tip of his pink tongue peeked through his teeth when he concentrated, or even how he moved his hair out his face with his elbow because his hands were too busy with the controller, Tyler realized he'd been fucked from the beginning. ****  
** **

The very beginning. ****  
** **

Josh arrived with a sundae and two spoons, setting the ceramic bowl down gently and quirking an eyebrow at Tyler.  ****  
** **

“You okay, dude? You look like you're trying not to yak.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, I'm fine.” He assured, breathlessly. And truthfully, he was. He felt more  _ fine  _ than ever. Maybe he was about to  _ yak,  _ but it was from the happy dizziness that was beginning to be synonymous with Josh. Something had changed about his feelings for him, something he couldn't quite pinpoint, but for once, he was okay with not being sure.  ****  
** **

Josh had already dove into the chocolate covered side of sundae, taking huge spoonfuls of passion. Tyler smiled to himself, picking up his spoon too. Some cheesy love song started to play in the background while they ate and Tyler fake gagged. ****  
** **

“I hate this song. It’s so stereotypical and shit.” ****  
** **

“Really?” Josh laughed. “I don’t think it’s that bad.” ****  
** **

“It’s about some guy who thinks he loves this girl and then writes a typical love song about it. What’s so special about it?” ****  
** **

“It might not be special to us, or to anyone else but the guy who wrote it.” ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“Okay, think about it this way.” He sat up straighter to gesture with his hands more freely. “Some guy loves some girl, right? So he takes the time to write this song, with lyrics and chord progressions and all of that jazz. Then he names it and puts it out there.” ****  
** **

“And?” ****  
** **

“Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, there will always be that permanent part of them out there. If you put a name to a song, it won’t change no matter what. It’s like a snapshot of a perfect moment in time.”  ****  
** **

Tyler really liked the sound of that, but was  _ way  _ too cocky to let Josh know he was right. So, he settled on scoffing like a small child and grumbling a small, “I still hate the song.” ****  
** **

Josh shook his head, smiling, but went back to the ice cream. They ate in relative silence for about half of it until Josh piped up.  ****  
** **

“I was thinking,” His voice sounded muffled around the wafers and chocolate kisses in his mouth. “That maybe we could go somewhere before going to the movies since it's only,” He paused to check his phone. “Noon right now. Do you have any places in mind?” ****  
** **

“Let's go to your place.” Tyler looked Josh dead in the eye. ****  
** **

The color from the other boy's face drained so quickly, Tyler could've missed it if he blinked. ****  
** **

“Tyler-” He started with a weak voice. ****  
** **

“I want you to come stay at my place. Permanently.” He blurted. “So let's go to your place and get some of your essentials.” ****  
** **

Josh was gaping at him, ice cream sundae long forgotten and melting.  ****  
** **

“Tyler,” He looked down. “You've already been generous enough, y’know, for letting me stay at your house this week, but-” ****  
** **

“It’s your choice, of course.” Tyler interrupted. “I'm serious though. Look, my parents don't have to know. You don't even have to stay there the whole day, I just want you to have a safe place to sleep and food on the table.” ****  
** **

“It's not your battle, Tyler.” He sighed, wringing his hands. “I know this whole… thing is probably hard on you to see, but you don't have to get involved. It’s my life, Ty. I don’t want  _ you _ to get affected by the choices I made. I did this to myself, Tyler. I got stuck in this situation with my father, hell, I even provoked him half-” ****  
** **

“It’s not your fault.” He interrupted, gripping his spoon tightly. “Please stop saying things like that because there’s nothing that you could have done to make you deserve this. The only person to blame for this is him, not you. Only him.” A fire lit in his soul and hot passion spewed as rapidly as the words coming out of his mouth. “It’s your choice. I can't, and I won't, force you to go with me. Just know that I’m worried about you.” He breathed deeply through his mouth. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at night if I know you’re going to be with your father, and I can’t protect you. It’s killing me. I just want you to have control over your life. You can leave if you want, he doesn’t own you.” He untensed his muscles. “If you want to continue living there, then, fine, you can do that. Just know that my door, or my window actually, is always open. You won’t impose on me if you decide to come, I promise. I will support you no matter what you decision ends up being, because I trust in you to do what’s best for  _ you _ .” ****  
** **

Josh nodded, lip in his mouth, poking at the soupy ice cream in the bowl.  ****  
** **

“I never thought I’d see the day where someone would believe me.” He chuckled, wet eyes flicking down to his lap. ****  
** **

Tyler said nothing, instead outstretching his hand to lace with Josh’s stubbier fingers. ****  
** **

“It took me so long to even get the courage to tell someone. And I spilled my heart out, and she didn’t even believe me.  _ My own mother,  _ Ty. I-I couldn’t, I d-didn’t-” He sighed in frustration. “I’ve been living this life for  _ so long,  _ it’s a bit surreal I have a… chance to escape it. I’ve tried everything; running away, CPS, the police, but every single time I was forced back. Jesus, I can’t wrap my head around… the fact that you’re giving me a place to stay.” He sniffled. “He us-used to… he's s-still-” ****  
** **

Tyler caressed the back of his hand, lifting it up and pressing it to his lips.  ****  
** **

“You don’t have to talk about it.” ****  
** **

“But you d-deserve answers, Tyler. I’ve been lying to you and everyone for so long about this. Why aren’t you mad? You should be yelling at me and telling me how selfish or weak I am, or-” ****  
** **

“Because I don’t believe you’re those things, J. In fact, I think you're the bravest person I know. All I’m saying is that you don’t have to put yourself through that mental pain just to make me or anyone else happy.” ****  
** **

Josh’s shoulders instantly relaxed, tension leaving them like steam from boiling water. He smiled sadly, rich hazel eyes making Tyler’s chest tighten. ****  
** **

“Thanks.” ****  
** **

He felt the urge to chase away all of the bad from his life, and hold to him so close. Tyler played with the other boy’s unbroken pinky finger, keeping him grounded, while he finished the last of the candy in the bowl, eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. He left five dollars beside the bowl, probably for tip, before locking eyes with Tyler. ****  
** **

“Okay.” He gripped his hand tighter. “Let’s go to my place.”

****

***

****

The Audi pulled into the empty driveway, the midday sun glinting off of the windshield and reflecting onto the garage door. Tyler watched as Josh’s anxious hand tapped relentlessly against the leather of the steering. His legs fidgeted as the car pulled into park. ****  
** **

“I think I’m low on gas. Yeah, I’m low on gas. Should we go get gas before we go in? Yeah, let’s go get gas-” ****  
** **

“Josh.” Tyler put his hand on the other boy’s arm. “It’s okay. I’ll be with you the whole time.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” He inhaled sharply. ****  
** **

They exited the car and moved up to the porch. Josh climbed onto it first, peeking through window and addressing Tyler. ****  
** **

“I don’t think he’s home.” The relief was audible in his voice. ****  
** **

He unlocked the door with his keys, and they padded inside. The house was expensive, very modern and with its own quirky feel. With winding staircases, and high ceilings with sloping walls, it was kooky in its own way. Although it was surely a nice house, structurally, there was nothing that made it look like a home or lived in. The walls were dusty and and unloved, with no pretty furniture to match a color scheme, or any decorations anywhere. ****  
** **

If the house had been a food, it would’ve been a rice cake.  ****  
** **

The smell, though, was one of harsh beer and other fragrant narcotics. It was borderline noxious, but Tyler didn’t even let his nose wrinkle, and followed Josh around the space. Josh’s cheeks were pink as he kicked bottles and dirty clothes aside and climbed the staircase. The house was silent, no rustle of the AC, and he made sure to pull off his hoodie before he died of heat stroke. Tyler didn’t say anything though, as he somehow knew that words were not necessary here. ****  
** **

Josh opened the door to his room, and Tyler’s heart plummeted in his chest. ****  
** **

The walls were as devoid of life as the rest of the house, but were littered with holes. The mattress was pushed far in the corner, stripped of sheets, and laid flat on the floor with no bed frame. There was a tall ladder in the center of the room, leading up into the attic. Not a single dresser or nightstand was placed in the space, and most of his clothes were spread out across the ground or were in piles in open suitcases. It barely looked lived in, nonetheless inviting.  ****  
** **

“Welcome to my humble abode.” Josh mumbled sarcastically. “It’s like fucking Bora Bora in here, right?” ****  
** **

Tyler couldn’t help begin crack a smile, but he keeled over laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath. Apparently, Josh found it funny too, as he bent over as well, giggling.  _ Something,  _ was just so freaking funny that they were both borderline rolling on the floor laughing. They eventually stood straight again, still hiccupping for air. ****  
** **

“Let’s start?” Tyler asked, a woozy smile still on his face. ****  
** **

“Yeah, bro.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Let’s start.”

****

***

****

The two boys worked until the sun began to wane in the sky. They worked through the mess, separating the necessities from the things that could be retrieved on a second trip. They stored the important items in trash bags and lugged them out to the Audi, leaving the minor things sprawled out across the floor. An empty pizza box was among those items too, as they had ordered some and eaten it while lolling on the floor, sharing stupid jokes. They worked quickly but diligently, as the fear of Josh’s father arriving home at any minute pulsed in the back of both of their heads. ****  
** **

At some point, the heat got too unbearable that they both shed their shirts. Tyler realized that he had been in serious denial about how attractive Josh was. His sweat made his skin look shiny, and his biceps flexed every time he lifted something heavy, and his jeans hung  _ way too low _ , showing the start of his toned v-lines. Tyler had also been in serious denial about how Josh’s lifestyle was affecting his body. His right arm was covered in a multitude of severe scars and he was painfully skinny, and his ribs were visible from across the room.  ****  
** **

It made it both jaw-dropping and insufferable to look at him.  ****  
** **

“Twenty One Pilots.” Tyler blurted randomly.  ****  
** **

“What?” Josh looked up from the suitcase he was sifting through.  ****  
** **

“Twenty One Pilots.” He said again, smiling this time. ****  
** **

“Look, dude, saying it more times isn’t going to make me understand it more.” ****  
** **

“I think if I ever achieve my dream, you know, of making a band, I’ll call it Twenty One Pilots.” ****  
** **

“Huh.” Josh said, testing the name a few times on his tongue. “Why?” ****  
** **

“You remember that book I bought from the mall a while back?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.  _ All My... Sons  _ or something _ ,  _ right?” ****  
** **

“Yeah, I think it really got to me.” He went back to stuffing a trash bag to avoid Josh’s curious eyes. “Anyway, it’s a transcription of a play about a man who... well, he commits suicide after causing the death of twenty one pilots because he knowingly sent them faulty parts for the good of his family.” Josh hummed in understanding, so he continued. “I feel like the moral dilemma of that story is really… I just think it’s important to live life with purpose, or to know what your purpose is. I wanted to have a unique name that really emphasizes that, so I thought it would be interesting to attribute the band name to a play all about the consequences of a person's actions.” ****  
** **

“Deep.” ****  
** **

Tyler barked a laugh, but Josh smiled and stood up straight. ****  
** **

“Seriously, though. That’s really cool. Sometimes, I wonder how god could stuff so much intelligence and creativity into your brain. It’s really amazing.” ****  
** **

Tyler’s face heated up and he looked down, but Josh looked just as surprised that those words had really come out of his mouth. ****  
** **

“Uh,” He cleared his throat. “I’ma hit the bathroom and take a shower. Don’t miss me too much.”  ****  
** **

“I’ll try.” Tyler smirked. ****  
** **

The room instantly felt darker when Josh left. He didn’t have his own bathroom like Tyler did, leaving him to go all of the way down the hall to use it. Tyler rested on one of the flat suitcases, allowing his muscles to relax for just a second. There was a certain satisfaction in him, something more than a simple content feeling. He felt happy, almost, and the relief of assuring Josh’s safety was a cherry in his heart.  ****  
** **

He was bone tired, and for once, it wasn’t because he’d fought with his mind the whole day without rest. It was because he’d walked, he’d worked, and he’d lifted, for someone else. He’d devoted his heart, mind, and soul to helping Josh with whatever he needed in this moment. ****  
** **

A phone dinged. ****  
** **

Tyler instantly found his device, opening up the lock screen only to find it empty. He’d distinctly heard a ding, but he supposed he’d imagined it. He’d read somewhere about people hearing phantom text notifications when they were bored or tired. He was picking at the skin around his thumb when a device went off again, and again, it was not his phone. ****  
** **

Now, did Tyler feel bad for snooping on Josh’s phone? Maybe, as he truly didn’t know what he was expecting to find. His boyfriend definitely wouldn’t cheat on him, and he’d gotten most, if not all, of the answers he was looking for about his secrecy, but something drew him to that phone.  ****  
** **

He easily remembered Josh’s password from when he’d cracked it a couple months back, swiftly entering 1-0-0-5 into the keypad. It was sweet of the other boy to lock his phone with their anniversary date, but Tyler barely thought that over and opened the messages app.  ****  
** **

_ Debby: hey wanna come over 2nite _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: i just got a huge ass shipment _ ****  
** **

_ Debby: u know some coke and acid, we could get high till mornin lol _ ****  
** **

His eyes widened on their own. It was like his brain had tried to connect the dots, but had short circuited before reaching the answer. Everything fit together like pieces of a puzzle. ****  
** **

_ Debby was a druggie? _ ****  
** **

Tyler would’ve have never suspected it, but here was the evidence, lying in front of him. And what the hell did she mean by a shipment? He racked his brain for sensible thoughts, until it dawned on him. ****  
** **

Debby wasn’t an old girlfriend, she was Josh’s drug dealer. The one that had introduced Josh to cigarettes. ****  
** **

That explained both how Josh knew her and why substances such as cocaine and LSD showed up or his blood tests. Josh, in the midst of the height of his abuse, was  _ enabled  _ by her. He was being used. And, fuck, anger curled through his veins and his hands balled up by his sides. ****  
** **

Josh had so many signs of drug abuse though, especially the withdrawing, the lack of contact in their relationship from the beginning of this year. The way his personality had dulled into nothing more than constant jitteriness or listlessness. He had worked like a dog too, taking jobs whenever he could, but Tyler now realized that he’d never seen any of his earnings. And though Josh was already thin to begin with due to his eating habits, he'd lost even more weight, becoming almost skeletal. Tyler had selfishly ignored all of this, too wrapped up in his own head to see the struggles of others.  ****  
** **

It was a shame, too, that the event so drastic that had forced them back together, was his discovery of Josh’s abuse. Of course, that was right under his nose too. He almost felt like crying, because the pain of knowing that this boy had suffered, and couldn’t tell him about it, was incredibly mordacious, gnawing on his soul like a dog on a bone. When, he’d first entered the house, the first thing his mind automatically did was notice all of the poor conditions of the place. He was privileged, with food on the table and stable enough parents. But it was  _ him,  _ who cried to his boyfriend every week and complained about his life every chance he got. He had no clue if Josh had been beaten the night before when he buried his tear-streaked face in his chest, and that pure anguish was enough to make him want to split his skin in half.  ****  
** **

He shut the phone off. ****  
** **

_ Should I confront Josh about this? No, at least not right now. _ ****  
** **

The boy had so much on his plate, with the “move in” and the memories of his abuse, that the talks about his drug use and smoking relapse could be postponed. Was it really even his place to ask about his addictions though? If Josh really wanted his help, he would’ve asked for it. Josh didn’t need- no he didn’t  _ want  _ Tyler’s help. Who was he interjecting himself into the other boy’s life? Reading his texts and his personal injury reports? ****  
** **

He was disgusting.  ****  
** **

He tossed the device onto the mattress, and sighed to himself, trying to find something to occupy his mind. He went about finishing sorting through the last zipper of the final suitcase. This appeared to be a junk drawer, per say, filled with paperclips, stray papers, and overall trash. Tyler saw colorful polaroids stuffed in the corner, with fried pictures of a teenage Josh with straight black hair and a lip piercing with another girl who looked eerily like him. He had to stifle the small chuckle that wanted to escape his lips.  ****  
** **

“What’s so funny?” Josh walked in with nothing more than a pair of skinny jeans on, shoulders slick from the shower water.  ****  
** **

“You had a lip piercing?” ****  
** **

“Ugh,” He groaned. “Don’t remind me.” ****  
** **

Tyler chuckled again, setting the polaroids down continuing to look through the drawer. Josh was shuffling around behind him, probably looking for a shirt to put on. Without fully drying off. Gosh, Tyler hated this dork. ****  
** **

A box buried under a pile of papers and clothes caught his attention. It looked like a small briefcase, with leather encasing its hard frame and metal latches. The skin of it was tattered, but didn’t look overly used. The words, ‘property of Dun,’ were etched into the surface. His curiosity piqued.  ****  
** **

He unlatched the box, not really sure what to expect.  ****  
** **

“Hey, what’re you looking at-” ****  
** **

“You have a  _ gun?” _ Tyler held the jet black pistol in his hand. It was a bulky thing, short and small, but somewhat cumbersome to hold.  ****  
** **

“Yeah- well, it’s not mine.” He shrugged. “It’s for the old man. Didn’t want him to have that anywhere near him.” ****  
** **

“Oh.” He set the weapon back into the box and closed it, not liking the bite of cold air on his lungs caused by it. ****  
** **

“Hey.” Josh picked up his phone, luckily not noticing anything off. “Brendon texted me there’s a party about ten minutes from here. A pretty big one too.” ****  
** **

“Jeez, definitely a night owl, aren’t you?” ****  
** **

“Well,” He smirked. “It’s only six-thirty now, so we could drop the stuff off at yours, go to the movies, and then head out at 9-ish?” ****  
** **

“Josh, I don’t know about this. I have church tomorrow.” ****  
** **

“Come on, babe.” Josh snaked his arms around Tyler’s waist, pecking his lips. “It’ll be fun.” He flashed those puppy dog eyes Tyler couldn’t resist, but he still felt unsure.  ****  
** **

“Josh.” ****  
** **

“Please. Everyone will be there. Don’t tell me this is your first party.” ****  
** **

Tyler said nothing. ****  
** **

“You’re kidding.” Josh backed away. “You, Tyler Joseph, captain of the basketball team, nicest ass in the whole school, has never gone to a party?” ****  
** **

“I’ve been invited a bunch, but I just never really saw the point.” ****  
** **

“Okay, how about I make you a deal?” Josh put his hand on his chin, as if deep in thought. “We go… just for an hour, and then if you don’t like it, we’ll leave and go cuddle. Deal?” ****  
** **

“Fine. Deal.”

****

*** ****  
** **

 

The music was so loud that it made his skin tingle and his lungs wiggle. The bass thumped in time with his heart and the rattling of his jaw. He didn’t really like this song, but hey, it was catchy enough to move to. Over the roar of music, slurred chatter could be heard. The words were unintelligible, but loud laughter echoed out and he found himself giggling along.  ****  
** **

“Having fun, Joseph?” Someone asked, handing him another foul-smelling drink. He whooped in response, giving the dude a high-five, his shy demeanor vanishing long ago.  ****  
** **

“Jenna threw a good party, didn’t she?” He hummed in agreement, barely registering the words being spoken to him. He tipped the drink up to drink it but a hand pulled the mixture away from him. ****  
** **

“Woah, slow down there, hot-shot.” Josh sniffed the drink. “What the hell even is this?” ****  
** **

He whined, almost falling over onto the other boy, who laughed and led him into the kitchen. There was still a mess of people there, but slightly more dispersed. Josh handed him a bottle of water and brushed the sweat off his forehead. ****  
** **

“I didn’t expect you to drink this much, Ty. I would’ve kept a closer eye on you.” He smiled. “You’re having a good time though?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” Tyler almost moaned the sound, smiling unevenly. ****  
** **

“Great.” Josh beamed. “Go wash your face, though, you look like shit.” ****  
** **

Tyler saluted and stumbled off in the direction of the restroom, passing horny couples making out across the floor and the couch. The harsh scent of his drinks probably radiated off of him like a dumpster, but he was too out of it to pay it much mind. He was struggling to keep his balance. His legs didn't work as instructed, and his arms and fingers seemed to be starting to follow suit.  He steadied his swimming vision before turning the handle. ****  
** **

The first thing that reached his ears was a subdued groan. ****  
** **

Too drunk to keep his decency, he continued sauntering into restroom. He walked over to the sink when an especially loud one echoed through the space. Frustrated, he pulled back the shower curtain. ****  
** **

“Brendon?” ****  
** **

He was lying down across the bottom of the tub, face flushed and sweaty. His lips were swollen and agape, and hair tousled in every direction. Most stunning, though, was the boy sitting in his lap, equally cherry faced and hot.  ****  
** **

Dallon. ****  
** **

“April Fool's?” Brendon tried.  ****  
** **

“It's not even April yet, you horny bastard.” Tyler shut the shower curtain, splashed water on his face, and sprinted out of the room. He rubbed his eyes fiercely, trying to scrub the image off of them. ****  
** **

The darkness of the dance floor was impenetrable, except for the occasional flashing of strobe lights. They resembled police sirens, bright and quick, but much more colorful. His hands gripped the sudden bottle in his hands, taking swig after swig as he avoided the sweaty bodies. He spotted the boy with red hair from across the room, amongst other swaying bodies. He didn't appear to be drunk, only immensely high on the good vibes floating in the air. In a flash of white light, his eyes caught ones filled with mischief. The boy's eyes did not return the gaze, as they were focused the gaze of another girl. Their hips rutted together as they danced, her arms molesting his biceps, and his sweat rubbing off when they touched. ****  
** **

Tyler, overcome by an unexpected rage, muscled onto the dance floor, shoving inattentive couples out of the way. When he got to  _ his _ boyfriend, he nearly shoved the girl grinding on him away, and pulled the boy by his collar. He dragged him through the mass of bodies, up the stairs, and into an off-limits hallway, marked off by duct tape. ****  
** **

It was dark and empty, so there was no risk of him being seen with Josh. ****  
** **

The other boy's face was as red as his hair, but he had an oddly smug look on it as he stood in front of Tyler. ****  
** **

“What are doing dancing with  _ her?” _ His voice sounded distant even to his own ears. ****  
** **

“I don't know,” Josh shrugged, still smiling. “She's cute.” ****  
** **

“Josh,” He growled, sudden envy flooding him. “ _ I'm  _ the only one you should be dancing like that with. I could do so much better than her.” ****  
** **

“Oh yeah?” Josh pushed his shoulders, so that he was pinned against the wall, but he could move away if he wanted. He ran a teasing finger over his chapped lips. “Prove it.” ****  
** **

Their lips brushed. Not chaste, like a taunt but hot, fiery, passionate, and demanding. Tyler wanted to pull away before he got lost in the sweet sensation, but he couldn't seem to.  ****  
** **

“Who is she?” He managed to get out against the mouth of the other boy. ****  
** **

“No one. Just wanted to see you jealous.” He bit gently on Tyler's lower lip.  ****  
** **

In that moment, with the smell of alcohol and weed thick in the air, and the over blasting bass pounding downstairs, his senses were seduced again and he could no longer think straight.  ****  
** **

As soon as his plump lips pressed on Tyler's neck, he lost all rational thought. He was consumed by the thought of him and the passionate crashing of their skin. He was in awe of how one touch of the other boy's lips could make his breath hitch.   


The loud thudding of climbing footsteps harshly jarred Tyler back into reality. ****  
** **

Tyler’s hands instantly found their way to Josh’s chest, shoving him back so strongly that he heard the other’s skull crash into the opposite wall. There was a flash of hurt in his eyes that quickly darkened them. ****  
** **

“Tyler?” A voice called from the staircase. ****  
** **

“Yeah, I’m over here.” He croaked. ****  
** **

“Oh, hey.” The voice got closer. “Brendon said he was looking for you.” Jenna rounded the corner, smiling brightly. “Oh, Josh, what are you doing up here?” ****  
** **

The red boy opened his mouth to speak but Tyler beat him to it. ****  
** **

“I was just… showing the kid to the bathroom since the one downstairs is occupied. You know Principal Iero made me look after him, can’t have him getting in trouble.” He could feel eyes burning into his head but he didn’t dare meet them. ****  
** **

“Oh, okay. Just meet me downstairs, okay, Ty?” ****  
** **

“Yeah, of course.” Jenna turned to leave. ****  
** **

When she was out of sight, Tyler almost let out a breath he’d been holding, but a much flatter voice reached him. ****  
** **

“Principal Iero, Tyler? As if. That was so fucking long ago.” ****  
** **

“Josh, wait-” The other boy was already shuffling down the stairs and Tyler hurried to follow. ****  
** **

“You know what, Tyler? I’m done.” He spat as he pushed through the partiers with extreme swiftness. Tyler found himself scoffing, blood-boiling, and shouting one last thing at him for the whole house to hear. ****  
** **

“Fuck you, Josh!” He stuck up the bird until the other boy closed the front door behind him.  ****  
** **

He grabbed another drink in a solo cup off of a table, and stumbled back into the commotion. There were instantly hands one him, groping every part of his body, as he swayed stupidly to beat. He drank until the cup was empty, wishing to fill his mind with only thoughts of alcohol and sex. Nothing and no one else. There was so much sweat on his skin and he was sure not all of it was his, but he didn’t care. He was on top of the world, higher than the moon, in fact. ****  
** **

There was a girl who had been on him for a while, driving her hips back into his, and he placed a hand on her hips, and pulled her close. ****  
** **

“Jenna…” He slurred, shaking his hips as she reached back to cup his face. Her hair was a mess and her cheeks were flushed red. Her lacy bra was exposed above the low-cut line of her tight dress, which had liquid across the front. He could hear foggy cheers from guys around him, but he could only interpret a mouth on his own. He shut his eyes, letting his instincts take over and his morals vanish. He was expecting tenderness and nervous amazement, truly being so used to that when lips touched his. In the end, though, he could only think of it as messy and too wet, like he was kissing a slobbering dog directly on the muzzle. Her tongue was like a stiff snake slithering into his mouth, trying to pull his soul from his teeth. When they pulled apart, despite the loud cheers around him, he wiped her thick saliva from his lips, gagging into his sleeve. ****  
** **

“I think I drank too much.” He coughed, pushing away all of the crowd and racing into the backyard. ****  
** **

His arms fell down on the grass too hard, and he was quickly on all fours. His stomach began to contract and twist in a painful way and his head was spinning like the top of a dreidel on a pin. Then, like a burst balloon, everything he had eaten and drunk for the past couple of hours tumbled out of his slack mouth.  ****  
** **

Vomit.  ****  
** **

There was vomit on the grass, on his hands, some probably on his clothes. He couldn’t find it in himself to upright himself, grab a drink, and barge back into that party like nothing had happened. But he  _ had  _ to.  ****  
** **

When he’d been at the peak of his inebriation, everything had been fun. Conversations, which normally would have been awkward, became enjoyable as a result of slurred words and lack of forethought. Of course, a small voice whispering in his mind, reminding him that waking up tomorrow will be hell and that his actions will have serious and regrettable consequences, but he didn’t care. Each drink he sipped seemed like a better and better improvement of himself. His jokes got funnier, he could flirt or dance shamelessly, and he had shed his diffident demeanor. ****  
** **

He was not the basketball captain who was reserved and hung out with lame punks, he wasn’t the goody-two-shoes who always tried to please his parents, he wasn’t the smart kid who had made the A/B honor roll for the fourth year in a row. He was just Tyler. He  _ was _ the definition of hot, popular, and cool when he was drunk.  ****  
** **

He was free. ****  
** **

Not willing to let this opportunity slip through his fingers, he charged back into the home, not minding who he pushed out of the way. The night was his, and his only for the taking. The night was so young, and his limbs had so much energy he could dance for millennia and then some, without so much as a yawn.  ****  
** **

The next morning would be hell to pay, he knew, but the alcohol kept flowing like it was on an IV drip directly to his heart. ****  
** **

Tyler didn’t want it to stop.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did y'all catch all of that foreshadowing?
> 
> I hope so, because shit's about to hit the fan.


	19. Repercussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha sorry in advance.

Figures. ****  
** **

Inky, distorted beings, reminiscent of life, crawled around the shadowy room, baring their teeth of harsh and abusive words.  ****  
** **

He heard them approaching, the soft rustling of their footsteps, like menacing whisper drawing closer to his ear. Nothing less than cold despair and hopelessness consumed every cell in his body. He could hear  _ his _ laugh, an excited, slurred cackle that glued his soles to the threading carpet, flushing all hope from his bones. Its claws cut into his neck, quickly shutting off his air flow. The shadowy thing choked the breath from his lungs and left his body heaving and desperately trying break away. Salty tears spilled over onto his cheeks leaving a tight squeeze in his chest. ****  
** **

He managed to scramble away, tucking himself into a corner.  ****  
** **

He strained his vocal chords but nothing came out, but still he screamed, bellowing and sputtering on his own blood.

The other’s voice echoed off the walls, thin and feminine, but so familiar. His mother’s words bounced off the walls of his skull, screaming,  _ “Shut up, don’t lie-  _ ****  
** **

“I'm telling the truth.” ****  
** **

_ “He’s not like that- _ ****  
** **

“He rapes me, mom, I don't know what you want-” ****  
** **

_ “Don't tell a damn soul of these fantasies of yours.” _ ****  
** **

“They're not lies, mom, please. I'm telling the-” ****  
** **

_ “SHUT UP-” _ ****  
** **

He clamped his hands over his ears, pushing his head in between his legs. His legs were frozen in place, so, he crouched in a ball, and pushed himself further into the corner of the room, gasping and retching.  ****  
** **

“Josh?”  ****  
** **

He dragged his bitten nails down the wall, trying to claw his way out of there, but the crumbs of the material came away on his fingertips. One of the things lunged at him, the dark shape latching onto the elastic of his pants. Its invisible hand clasped over his mouth, stabs of adrenaline pierced his heart, rendering him immobile. He was straining to inflate his lungs. His head was a carousel, each spin pushing him into blackness. He wanted to run.  ****  
** **

He needed to run.  ****  
** **

_ “Don't you look so pretty like that.” _ ****  
** **

He could almost smell the whisky on its breath as it spoke directly against his face, his stomach churning thickly. He could never unsee the distorted eyes peering into his soul as its ghostly wandering hands snuck up his shirt and below his jeans.  ****  
** **

“Please. No.” He begged. The figure only smiled. ****  
** **

All of the fight drained from him. His heart was thumping and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and wait for someone to provide salvation. But no one would, because no one was there. A choked cry for help forced itself up his throat, and he felt another drop run down his cheek.  ****  
** **

“Josh,  _ fuck, _ come back.” ****  
** **

He could feel the hard painful lump in the back of his throat as more tears began to form. The figures continued shouting and groping, and he rested his head against the wall. He coughed phlegm and blood over his arms, shuddering weakly as he did. Before he knew it there was loud, anguished shouting. It took him a second to realize they were his distant shouts of pain. Tears streaked his face. Time had fast forward, slowed down too. He couldn't think a straight thought, and all he saw was his own bloody fist. He barely realized it was his own voice repeating, "I can't take this anymore." ****  
** **

A hand slapped across his face, snapping it back with the force of the blow. The shadowy beings dissipated instantly, all remnants of their presence vanishing. The distorted view of the world slowly came to focus. It was like a bleak night, with impenetrable darkness, but Debby’s worried face was right in front of him.  ****  
** **

“Ow.” He rubbed his cheek, the skin probably turning red from the rough slap.  ****  
** **

“Sorry about that.” She smiled, relief spreading throughout her features. “Wasn’t sure if you were going into shock or something. Seemed like you were hallucinating.” ****  
** **

He leaned back against the wall again, blowing air through his cheeks, still not uncurling his body. Tears were still leaving his eyes on their own accord.  ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He sniffled. “Something like that.” He sunk his teeth into his lip, hard. Salty blood filled his mouth.  ****  
** **

“You need to get off LSDs then.” She snorted as if it was the funniest joke in the world.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah.” He laughed along too, feeling the deadness in his chest shift a bit.  ****  
** **

She huffed, standing.   ****  
** **

“Are you going to school today?” ****  
** **

“I don't know if I'm in the mood.” ****  
** **

“You've barely gone this week.” She stepped closer, looking straight into his eyes. “Plus, it's Friday.” ****  
** **

“Still.” ****  
** **

“You're not still avoiding Tyler, right?” ****  
** **

“I'm not.” ****  
** **

“You totally are.” She clicked her tongue. ****  
** **

“Maybe a bit.” He admitted. “But it's too much right now, I have bigger things to do. School that is.” ****  
** **

“Really?” She raised an eyebrow. ****  
** **

“Yeah.” ****  
** **

“Just go.” She huffed, ruffling his hair and walking away. He tried not to flinch.  ****  
** **

He wiped his eyes, scrubbing them with the end of his sleeve. The tears kept spilling and he stuffed his fist in his mouth, taking a slow breath. He didn't need to cry. Men didn't cry. 

Slowly, his brain carried his towards the room. Reality tried to break its way into his mind but a musty haze had filled his mind.  ****  
** **

The bathroom lights were too bright, driving into his brain like knives of heat. He quickly stripped of his shirt, tossing it carelessly on the ground as he bent into the shower to turn the knob. His eyes caught the small oval cracked mirror against the other wall, smudged with greasy fingerprints. In one moment, his heart and breathing just stopped. Ceased. Suddenly, he was a bloody mess, nose bashed in and black eyes swelling and pulsing. His arms were squeezing his midsection, like he was trying to hold his organs in.  ****  
** **

He was hideous.  ****  
** **

Bloody spit drooled from his slack jaws and fell onto the counter. He was as disgusting as externally as he was on the inside; a cockroach. ****  
** **

Then he blinked, and then, like a windshield wiper, the world flipped back to normal. He was only standing by the tub, sweats falling a bit lower than usual, and the steam from the hot tap water billowing in front of his face.  ****  
** **

He ran a slow hand over his face, rubbing his eyes again. He took off his shorts and boxers, tossing them into another pile. He hid his face from the mirror this time, absentmindedly running his fingers over the scars and lashes stuck to his legs like dead worms. The scars had been pink many months ago, now they were shinier and thicker. He traced his pointer finger over their ridges and their jagged edges. ****  
** **

Even if he made it those scars would be there forever. Even if he achieved his dream of drumming, or if he ever stopped using, or even if he was able to stay alive, those scars burned into his skin by his own father would forever be there. He took a step back, nose wrinkled, and drew in a sharp breath.   ****  
** **

Anger boiled deep in his stomach, as burning as fire. It turned in him, hungry for destruction, and his fist curled into a ball. He hurled it at his gut, knocking the air far out of his system. He punched harder and harder, more blood spilling out of his mouth after every hit. He raked his fingernails up his legs, pulling away scabs and opening wounds, choking on an escaping sob. Bruises flowered at each spot he struck himself. His eyes dripped with tears. He didn't ask for this body, this torn up and ruined piece of shit he was stuck with for the rest of his life. ****  
** **

However long that may be. ****  
** **

The walls that held him up just crumbled into dust.  Drops slid down his chin to the floor, leaving small puddles on impact with the countertop. He pressed his head against the foggy mirror, meeting his own seemingly innocent hazel eyes. He was anything but innocent, with the disgusting things his body had been used for, there was no way he could be modest. He was damaged goods, sinful. He was trembling. He couldn't stop. Everything was raw; the tears, the emotions, the trauma. He bit into his knuckle. Why couldn't he stop crying? ****  
** **

He felt it break. His last shred of sanity and hope, just shatter. He knew there was no hope of fixing them, so he didn't even try. The tears finally stopped, and he was left staring blankly at the wall. He'd reached his limit. ****  
** **

_ I'm done _ , he thought to himself. He gave up.  ****  
** **

He shut off the shower tap, and quickly pulled on a towel around his waist. He walked slowly out of the room, being meticulous about turning off the light and placing everything back in its place. He didn't have that many clothes at Debby’s, so maybe he'd have to sneak into Tyler's to grab stuff to wear. ****  
** **

He breathed out emptily, absentmindedly scratching at his wrists, as a beam of the rising sun hit him directly in the eye. ****  
** **

He sighed. ****  
** **

It was time to start the day.

****

***

****

Almost a week after the party, Tyler still felt like he was hungover.  ****  
** **

His alarm had yet to ring to signal the beginning of a new day, so Tyler laid, staring at the ceiling. He was breathing deeply to ward off his splintering headache, covering his chapped lips in a useless layer of saliva. He was balancing precariously on the edge of his bed, somewhat delved in his thoughts, and not. The room swirled before stopping again and he used the headboard to pull back into the center of the mattress.  ****  
** **

He stood on the precipice of an incredible decision. The weight of everything seemed to rest his shoulders and he struggled to even lift his arms above his head. His muscles were so tense that he resembled a mannequin more than an actual person. He wanted so much to melt onto the soft sheets, and to fall asleep, but as the last week had proved, that wasn’t going to happen.  ****  
** **

He wasn’t attracted to any men. ****  
** **

That simple, because he wasn’t. ****  
** **

It was just a phase for him and he’d be back to normal in a flash. ****  
** **

Right? ****  
** **

He was a Christian for god’s sake, a servant of god’s will, and a repentful sinner. In fact, he was so Christian, he could genuflect in response to a prayer in his sleep. He could smell a reading of Deuteronomy coming from a mile away. Truly, it was all he’d ever known. There was a certain comfort at getting up every Sunday at 9:00 sharp to attend a service with familiar hymns and memorized prayer. Everyone in the congregation had known him from before the time he could talk; he was part of the community. He couldn’t just give that up because he was suddenly confused about his sexuality. He couldn’t turn his back on Him, betray his family and all of his ideals, and abandon heaven for an eternity in the underworld because of his frayed hormones.  ****  
** **

But what he felt was so real and unique, he wanted to tear it out of his body for good. Homosexuality was a sin, and he knew it, so why did he still feel this way? How long would it take for Jesus to fix him, as to not add onto the ever growing list on how he was a disappointment to everyone he knew?  ****  
** **

The bible said that God loved all of his children. When one loved another, they would want the best for them and for them to be happy. Did Tyler instantly become damned if he had feelings for another man? Tyler was a devout Christian as far he knew, and he wanted to please god and earn an afterlife in heaven, but was he willing to give up his happiness in this life for an  _ alleged  _ better one after his death? In possibly 500+ years because of purgatory? ****  
** **

Was there even a heaven that could be worth a lifetime of suffering? Did God even exist?  ****  
** **

He was beginning to believe the nausea sitting in his gut wasn't from his supposed week long hangover. ****  
** **

He wasn’t- no, he couldn’t be gay because it was too much of a risk. Coming out, revealing a sensitive and insecure part of him for the whole world. He just wasn’t ready. What if his family didn’t accept him? What if they kicked him out? He’d heard of families disowning their loved ones just because of their sexuality and he just  _ couldn’t take that risk.  _ What if he started getting teased at school? Oh god, could he lose the scholarship to OU because of that? No one in Columbus was open minded enough to accept him and his apparent gayness with open arms. What if he was just wasting his parents’ time and resources by being this way?  What kind of son was he if he couldn’t give his parents grandkids? He was a failure, and grand piece of shit that only served as another mouth to feed. What if- and fuck, he couldn’t breathe. ****  
** **

He ripped off the laced pendant around his wrist, feeling the metal twist and snap as he threw it halfway across the room. He pushed the heel of his palm back into his eyes, as they began to burn. ****  
** **

Who was he? ****  
** **

Was he Tyler, captain of the basketball team and classic athletic jock? Was he Tyler, the quiet boy who wrote sad lyrics with the dream of sharing them with the world? Was he Tyler, a lifelong disappointment to the Joseph name? Was he Tyler, the avid Christian who went to church every Sunday? Or was he Tyler, sinner and in a relationship with another man? ****  
** **

Did any of those things really define him? Was he all of them, none of them, a mix, or something completely different? ****  
** **

Oh, how he would love to shed all of these labels and roles and just be himself, but society didn't work that way. Everyone was expected to cookie cutter, with the same mindset. Working as mindless zombies till their death date, while maintaining perfect smiles for the whole world to see. What if he didn't want to waste away in his body? What if he had a different purpose? Was he really put on this earth to get a 9 to 5 job and work, with the only satisfaction being the paycheck he would get at the end of every month? ****  
** **

Or perhaps, he was meant for something greater. Maybe he was truly meant to share his lyricism and songwriting with the whole world. Maybe, he would be able to help other people who had gone through the same things he has. ****  
** **

Though, dream chasing wasn't a way to live either. Soon, he would have people depending on him: children, elderly parents, younger siblings. He wouldn't be able to support them if this music thing didn't work out.  ****  
** **

Tyler dragged his hands down his face blowing air lightly through his cheeks. ****  
** **

There were too many damn decisions to make, permanent ones that would define him for the rest of his life. Soon, he would be 18 and legally an adult, but would he be mature enough for that? Was anyone really ready for that? ****  
** **

He could leave heterosexuality behind. He would be happy, maybe even enjoy life, but become an utter outcast to his family, friends, and his community. He would betray god. Did he even have the power to do that? ****  
** **

Or, he could remain how everyone saw him. A golden child, perfect in every way, and destined for success with a pretty girl by his side. Although that sounded ideal, perfect, he knew, deep in his heart, he would be unhappy. He had already found his soulmate in the form of another man, someone he couldn't live happily without. ****  
** **

So, the question still stood: Was he attracted to other guys?  ****  
** **

Maybe he didn't even want to answer that question, to succumb to that label. Maybe because he knew if he did, he would inevitably have to start making harder decisions. Ones that would shape who he became as a person, his legacy. And did he want to be defined by that? ****  
** **

The alarm clock beeped softly into the darkness, vibrating against the leather bible it laid atop. ****  
** **

He sighed.

It was time to start the day.

****

***

****

“Can you two chill it with the PDA?” ****  
** **

“Sorry,” Brendon shrugged. “It's not my fault I've got sex on legs sitting next to me.” He leaned into Dallon for another too-long kiss. ****  
** **

Tyler fake gagged, smiling a bit as the other two started giggling like lovebirds. ****  
** **

Why couldn't he be that brave? ****  
** **

They were kissing and feeding each other and doing all that sappy shit like no one else was watching. Though Tyler wasn't the one flaunting his relationship, he still shifted uncomfortably under the gazes of other grossed out students. He cringed every time they pointed and whispered, but Brendon and Dallon seemed otherwise unaffected. They looked at each other like the most important thing in the world. ****  
** **

Tyler secretly wished that was him and Josh. ****  
** **

He wanted nothing more than to hold that special boy's hand while they walked through the hallways, completely smitten with each other. They were so close to that goal too, until Tyler  _ had _ to open his big, drunken, mouth and fuck that all up. Yes, he'd been beyond inebriated, and his likelihood of saying anything intelligent was nearly zero, but he didn't have to use the whole,  _ “Iero is forcing me to hang out with him, so sucks for me, feel free to feel sorry for me,”  _ excuse.  ****  
** **

The way Josh's cold, pained, eyes had bored into his soul had been plastered on the back of his eyelids for days, robbing him of much needed sleep.  ****  
** **

“So, you and Dallon, huh?” He asked, trying to distract himself from his own thoughts. ****  
** **

“So, you and Josh, huh?” Brendon retaliated, hardly taking his off the boy he was smothering in kisses.  ****  
** **

Tyler's heart plummeted to his toes. Beating way too fast to be normal, it fluttered up and down his limbs, turning them numb. He cleared his throat, mentally reassuring himself. ****  
** **

“What are you talking about?”  _ Wow, way to go, Tyler. Best redirection of the fucking year. _ ****  
** **

“You guys aren't as slick as you're trying to be.” Dallon chimed in, finally turning to face Tyler. ****  
** **

Tyler buried his head in his hands, giving the gig up.  ****  
** **

“He hates me. I don’t even think we’re together right now.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, well if somebody cussed me out I wouldn’t be too fond of them either.” ****  
** **

“How do you know about that?” Tyler groaned, rubbing his eyes.  ****  
** **

“Everyone in the damn school knows, we were all at the party.” Brendon scoffed. “But seriously what’s going on with you two?” ****  
** **

“It’s a long story.” Tyler finally looked up to see his friends’ concerned eyes searching his soul. ****  
** **

“Dude.” Dallon rolled his eyes. “We’ve literally got all day.” ****  
** **

Tyler clasped his hands together, squeezing his fingers until they turned red and pulsing. ****  
** **

“At the party, we snuck away to… y’know.” He rotated his wrist. Dallon’s eyebrows raised high, and Brendon let out a low whistle. His face heated up as he tried to retract his words. “No! Not like that, just to like-” ****  
** **

The other two boys began cackling, and Tyler’s face was so hot, he could swear he felt steam exiting his ears.  ****  
** **

“Continue.” Brendon said, a bit breathless.  ****  
** **

“Okay, yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair, pulling a bit at the ends. “So we were… getting into it and stuff, and then I heard someone coming.” He stopped to take a breath. “I pushed him off, really hard, like you know, out of reflex. And then I told the person I was showing him to the bathroom. He looked really hurt and stuff, and then I got mad for some reason and yelled for him to go fuck himself or something.” He looked down. “He hasn’t talked to me and to be honest, I’m kinda getting pissed off-” ****  
** **

A hand collided with his forehead, knocking his head to the side. The hit didn’t hurt, but it was enough to jolt him into a state of silence. ****  
** **

Brendon retracted his hand and began to speak sharply. ****  
** **

“You absolute fucking  _ idiot.  _ No wonder Josh isn’t talking to you, man, c’mon, I raised you better than that.” He took a slow breath, eyebrows remaining downturned, but chuckling at his own joke. “Josh would fucking die for you, you hear me? He probably wouldn’t even think twice about it and that’s because- he really  _ likes _ you.” ****  
** **

“Yeah,” Dallon agreed quietly. “What you guys have is really special. And Tyler, stop fucking caring about other people, or else Josh will leave and you will regret it for the rest of your life.” ****  
** **

“Go chase your man, shithead.” ****  
** **

His brain had refused to function, mouth opening and closing with no real words tumbling out of it. But, he didn’t want to accept his feelings, he didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t want his heart to speed up at the thought of Josh, he didn’t want a smile to cross his face at the other boy’s mention. He wanted to hit his head on the table until he lost enough brain cells not to feel this  _ confusion  _ anymore.  ****  
** **

Tyler's fist clenched and slammed on the table, causing the other two boys to look over. ****  
** **

“Are you okay, dude? You just suddenly went red.” Dallon’s eyebrow perked. ****  
** **

“Yeah, I'm fine.” He gritted out. “Just not hungry anymore.” He got up and took his food tray wordlessly, grabbing his backpack too. ****  
** **

He walked stiffly over to the trash can, emptying his food out robotically, when a body crashed into him, covering his body in wet food. Just as he was about to clap back, the familiar red hair staring back at him stole all of the words from his throat. ****  
** **

Except this time something was different. The air around the boy had changed, almost instantly becoming more arrogant. He had a slick, stupid smile on his face, and _ haughty _ seemed to just radiate off of him. ****  
** **

And even with all of this, he was still drop dead gorgeous.  ****  
** **

“Not even gonna apologize? Wow, Joseph, I knew you were an asshole but this big of one.” He turned to walk away, not even handing Tyler a napkin to wipe up the stickiness on his hoodie.  ****  
** **

“What the fuck, dude?” Tyler pushed Josh shoulder, causing him to stumble forward and turn around. His eyes still carried that certain air in them. ****  
** **

“Bitch has got some hands on him.” He snickered. Some people had looked up from their tables to observe their interaction. ****  
** **

“What did you just say?” Tyler took a step closer, almost standing chest to chest with the other boy. ****  
** **

“Look, Joseph.” He spoke clearly now, reminiscent of the Josh he knew, except the softness and kindness usually reclining in it had disappeared, instead being replaced by an iron coldness. “If you have a problem with me, we can settle it right here, right now.” ****  
** **

Tyler froze. ****  
** **

Josh was bluffing. He had to be. ****  
** **

Right? ****  
** **

But the piercing stare never leaving his eyes made Tyler swallow hard and almost take a step back. He gripped the straps on his bookbag, mind whirling and stuttering. If he picked a fight now, he would never forgive himself. He'd probably hurl himself right off a cliff if he ever laid a knowing finger on Josh's body. But here he was, chest puffed as staring into the eyes of a stranger that he knew. This wasn't his warm, sweet, cuddly-in-the-mornings Josh, this was a punk, a disobedient pompous asshole who had started this fight. Even still, he couldn't imagine laying a hand on this boy. Though the relationship was probably ruined, Tyler knew those burning feelings were still there. They probably would never leave. But knowing that he had single handedly ruined his own chances of something great with the boy in front of him, he wanted to eat his own words right out of the air and forget he ever said them.  ****  
** **

“No,” Tyler looked down. “I don't have a problem with you.” ****  
** **

“Good,” Josh smiled victoriously, but there was no light in his eyes. Only regret. “Don't talk to me again, Joseph.” ****  
** **

 A warm liquid landed on his chest and it took him a second to realize it was spit. ****  
** **

The padding of quieting footsteps and the hurried hushed whispers of nosy students told him it was over.  ****  
** **

He pulled his hood over his head, tightening the drawstrings over his face, and borderline sprinted out of the cafeteria. He ignored the voices calling his name.  ****  
** **

He ended up in his car, hot, unwanted tears sliding down his scrunched face. He was such a crybaby, he really needed to get a hold of himself. But he was so confused, and lost, and  _ guilty _ that he knew nothing else than to fold in on himself and weep his mind into tranquility. With blurred vision he turned the key in the ignition, hearing the car stutter before jumping to life. He reversed out of the school quickly without so much as a glance backwards. He was doing what he did best: running away from his problems.  ****  
** **

He was obviously in no condition to be driving. With his damp, clouded eyes and shaky hands, he might end up running into a tree or something on accident. To be completely honest, he wouldn't have cared if he crashed into something and died. There was so much pain and anger in his veins he had to rid somehow. ****  
** **

He was mad at himself and God and Josh and Brendon and Dallon and Jenna and his parents and practically everyone else on the damn planet. Why did just have to open his damn mouth and say those things? Why did He make him this way? Who gave Josh the right to treat him like shit? Why couldn't his parents be more accepting people? ****  
** **

His knuckles were paling with the sheer force he was gripping the wheel with. ****  
** **

The frustration built and he actually might have exploded. He took a deep breath and held it in his lungs until they burned. A tantrum was building in his gut, begging to set free. He wanted to scream and beat the sidewalk till his knuckles bled.  But the damage had been done. So many times he'd wanted to unsay things, take it back, but never more than his own drunken words. ****  
** **

He let his feet and fingers guide him to wherever they wished. ****  
** **

In their bible-cursed relationship, they had been inseparable, excepting the previous three months. They had been able to lace fingers and kiss, falling farther for each other, but only while no one else was around. He, over time, came to need Josh as he needed his heart to beat in his chest. Now, he couldn't exactly imagine living without the rainbow-haired boy. ****  
** **

Josh would have to be crazy to come back. ****  
** **

All Tyler had hurt him in too many unfixable ways. He'd cheated on him on the first day of the relationship, accused him of thing after thing, violated his privacy, and had been unable to notice or protect him from his abusive father. There was no imaginable reason for Josh to have even stuck around for this long. ****  
** **

On top of all of this “Josh stuff,” other equally pressing thoughts loomed in the back of his mind. Like the scholarship he had to decide on in less than two weeks. He had to come up with a plausible excuse to distract his parents with, as they were just as aware of the approaching deadline.  ****  
** **

He just didn't know what to do. ****  
** **

Josh had made him want to chase his dream until the end, and to gain that satisfaction of achieving it. He made Tyler believe it was possible, plausible even, that he could do this. But that would mean giving up on his other athletic talent, and forgoing a once in a lifetime opportunity. What he did now would determine his life for as long as he lived it. ****  
** **

He sighed, and turned his attention back to the road. ****  
** **

 

***

****

It shouldn't have been a surprise that Tyler ended up at the studio, but it was to him. ****  
** **

He came here every so often, just to check up on the establishment or to mess around with the instruments. He hadn't yet had the confidence to record his first song, but it was still nice to stop by here once in awhile, just to reminisce. ****  
** **

The building was still beaten and crumbling from the outside, cement bricks dissolving into sand. The metal hinges screeched as he pulled the doors open, coppery rust falling to the ground in large bits and almost hitting his eyelids. As soon as the doors parted, he was hit with a wall of warm air, and scents of summer citrus. ****  
** **

Everything screamed  _ Josh,  _ from the dark color scheme to the patterns to the style of the posters on the walls, to even the type of smells from the air fresheners. The studio was legally his, as Josh had already signed over the rights, but Tyler would always think of it as theirs. ****  
** **

From the night he first saw it, he knew the sentiment Josh was giving him. It was sweet and it was thoughtful, which was mainly the reason they decided to forgo basic Valentine’s day showiness and stay inside and watch old black-and-white horror movies. They’d spent the night of his birthday huddled up here in the quiet rustle of the heat and the soft snow pelting the windowpane, just dancing and laughing and being so stupidly infatuated with each other.  ****  
** **

He missed that. ****  
** **

He locked the studio door behind him, and walked into the recording part of the studio. The air was crisp here, biting but refreshing as it hit his skin. He slipped on the headphones, feeling the professional leather cup his ears gently, and cut off all noise from the outside world. Turning on his MIDI keyboard, he instinctively pressed a red button, the sound of the computer booting up on the other side stirring up the pain in his heart once more.  ****  
** **

He'd barely written this song the morning before, when his mind was whirling without rest. It was unfinished, and he hadn't had the chance to write it down, but something felt right about it, and he let the melody flow out of him. ****  
** **

_ “Sometimes I leave, I hate. What is wrong with me?”  _ The words started off as less than a whisper, as if the bearing of his heart was only meant to be shared with the microphone brushing his lips. His heart pulsed almost sedately, as his fingers caressed the pristine whiteness of the keyboard. More words of his sorrow began to form.   ****  
** **

_ “But you would never say, I'm going down, and you would never stop searching lost and found.”  _ He wasn’t exactly sure who he was addressing with the smooth words rolling off his tongue. Maybe it was an attack on himself, but it felt more right to place the hope inspired through the delicate whispers to something as impartial and almighty as God. A god he wasn’t even sure he wanted to follow anymore.  ****  
** **

_ “Cause I don't understand why you would care, and I don't know why your love is unfair, but you will never change.”  _ God was this ambiguous thing he was supposed to follow blindly. It didn’t make sense for this deity to care specifically about him or his actions, or provide his steadfast love in tangible ways. In fact, all of mankind were sinners, and didn’t deserve Jesus’ sacrifice or salvation. But the Bible was practically set in stone; it wouldn’t change. The things described, God, his will, could never be changed, but perhaps they could be rediscovered and fully understood. ****  
** **

_ “Sometimes I live for you, for them, and there's times when I could care less.” _ Something had shifted in chest, like a boulder set in place for decades, before tumbling down the cliff it was perched upon. He felt naked among these emotions and thoughts, deep cutting and chaffing in their own search for truth. God had moved from his priorities, instead being replaced by his own earthly craving for happiness.  _ “And I will never say that they're going down, and I will look for them in this lost and found.”  _ He wanted to almost imitate God and inspire hope and help those who needed it. Right now, in his mind, he was not fantasizing about large crowds with booming voices, he was imagining the boy with a sunlight smile with eyes which reflected heartbreak and tragedy. ****  
** **

_ “Cause I don't understand why you would care, and I don't know why your love is unfair. but you will never change. You will never change.”  _ This was no longer about God, or even a religion, it was personal. Josh had no reason to stick around when Tyler cried to him, speaking of the troubles that seemed to reside in the depths of his mind, never asking for anything in return. And when he needed help of his own, he shut everyone else own, silently fighting his own impossible battles. Tyler wanted to save him, or at least help him, give him hope to continue to fight his battles correctly, and not with repression and substance abuse. Josh’s affection consisted of giving and giving, but never receiving. Though he had tried to hide it, appear tough and punkish with his gauges, Josh would remain the same in his mind: lovely, trustworthy, loyal, beautiful. The factors now were a constant in his life he wasn’t sure he could survive without.  ****  
** **

_ “You will never change.”  _ ****  
** **

His fingers continued to dance lightly across the plastic keys, the notes eventually getting quieter and quieter until they died out. He quickly pressed the red button to stop the recording and ripped off the headphones, grabbing his keys and racing out of the studio. He stopped reluctantly to turn off the lights and shut down the computer, bouncing on the tips of his feet and the blue circle spun and spun. ****  
** **

He’d had a revelation. He was fighting for his only sure-fire chance at happiness.  ****  
** **

He hastily locked the studio behind him, sprinting out to his car, and almost slipping on the wet asphalt. The sky was swirling with angry clouds, dark and foreboding as little pellets of rain began to fall. He revived the engine in and zoomed out of the parking lot in one fell swoop, more or less. He pressed the gas pedal as hard as the law would allow it, impatiently tapping his fingers against the wheel. ****  
** **

He was going to get his man back.

****

***

****

The storm brewed on the edge of the cold horizon, dark, angry clouds blooming en masse quickly approaching. The trees bent and creaked with the hefty gales, letting out pained sounds as they swayed unsteadily. The afternoon darkness was already unsettling, but the damp-smelling and humid air made the world seem borderline transfixing. Tyler cast his eyes to the pitching sky, groaning heatedly and pulling the car into park in his driveway.  ****  
** **

_ Dammit.  _ ****  
** **

Harsher rain was surely promised, the wind was worsening by the minute. It would be a suicide mission to even attempt to venture anywhere now, so all of his formulating plans were efficiently cancelled. He drew his sticky hoodie tightly around himself and shivered. The heater in his car was failing. Cheeks stiff with cold, he killed the ignition and raced up to his door, scrambling to unlock the door with gloved hands. His eyes fluttered shut as waves of warmth crashed over him. ****  
** **

He stood there for a bit, simply savoring the heat, before peeling off his gloves and locking the car door from the window. He removed his shoes at the door, and set his keys down on the table, still rubbing his frozen fingers together. ****  
** **

“Hello? Is anyone home?” He called out. No response echoed through the house, and he internally fist pumped as he maneuvered his way through the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of milk, placed it in the microwave, while preparing a powdered pack of chocolate. When the milk began to steam slightly, he took it out and stirred in the chocolate and added drops of honey, stomach already grumbling in anticipation.  ****  
** **

He seated himself on the soft fabric of the couch, sipping gently on the hot chocolate as he peered out the window. Lightning cut across the angering sky, ripping it into two as if it was paper. He flinched as the lights flickered a few times, before shutting off entirely. He cursed under his breath, adding yet another reason to why this family should have a generator. ****  
** **

He nursed the drink in his hand softly, enjoying the warmth in his limbs and his gut. All he had to do was wait for the storm to subside, and then talk himself back on to Josh’s good side. It sounded way too easy, but he knew it would be much more like a cold uphill battle on muddy terrain while the enemy nuked his ailing generals without rest. ****  
** **

So yeah, he was a bit worried. ****  
** **

A particularly strong gale seemed to rock the home, making the walls creak and shudder as if they were trying to flee.  He stood up on wobbly legs, keeping a fearful eye on the weak walls, and trudged over to the sink to drop off the dirty cup and pour out what was left. A subsequent boom of thunder cracked the air, as if the heavens might have split apart and fallen onto the earth. The sound was so deafening Tyler jumped a bit, almost dropping the sponge in his hands. Another sound echoed from above, the crash of materials thudding against the floor. His head snapped up to the noise, his body tensing almost simultaneously. ****  
** **

He set down the cup and sponge noiselessly and tiptoed up the stairs, taking shallow breaths through his nose. The commotion had originated from one of the bedrooms on the far side of the house, so he held his breath and went down the unlit hallway.     ****  
** **

He slowly pushed open the door to his parents’ room, clenching his free fist by his leg as he was unsure of what to expect. The room was messy, but with no sign of an intruder or fallen objects. He shut the door quietly, and faced his own door. The noise had definitely come from this side of the house, so he braced himself and pushed open the door fully until it hit its hinges. ****  
** **

A boy stood, shoulders tensed and eyes hard as he met Tyler’s gaze. His vans were discarded by the windowsill, a towel underneath them to prevent a mess on the floor. His bouffant red hair, often bouncing with his step, was clinging wetly to his forehead. Drips of dye traveled down his nape and face, dripping rhythmically onto his soaked t-shirt. ****  
** **

“Oh, sorry,” Josh laughed, emotionless. “Did I scare you? I just came by to get some of my stuff and I knocked over a few things. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.” ****  
** **

Words had simply dematerialized from Tyler’s mind, and he stood there dumbly, staring at the other boy.  ****  
** **

“Are you okay, dude?” Josh met Tyler’s gaze for a bit, and upon receiving no answer, shrugged and opened a trash bag stuffed in Tyler’s closet.  ****  
** **

“You’re here.” Tyler blurted out, almost simultaneously face palming. ****  
** **

“Yeah,” Josh looked up incredulously. “That, I am.” ****  
** **

“No, no,” Tyler took a step closer. “You’re  _ here.  _ Like right now. School’s not supposed to be out yet.” ****  
** **

Tyler could almost see the hairs on his arm bristle, and his jaw clenched, but his body didn’t yet face him.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, well,” He retrieved a hoodie from the pile. “I wasn’t exactly  _ planning  _ on meeting you here.” ****  
** **

“This  _ is  _ my house.” ****  
** **

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” He mocked. ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler crossed his arms across his chest. “Can we just talk like adults for once?” ****  
** **

“I don’t know,” He shrugged. “Can we?” ****  
** **

“Do what you want, but I’m not going to let you let you leave until we talk.” Tyler let the door fall shut behind him, the sound almost drowned out by the low growl of the sky.  ****  
** **

Josh chuckled dryly. “Okay, dude. Whatever you say.” ****  
** **

The room stayed silent except for the soft pitter-patter of the rain against the window. Tyler sighed, taking several steps towards the other boy, tapping his foot steadily. He placed an insecure hand on the red boy’s shoulder, who jumped back like he’d been stung, chest puffed. ****  
** **

“Don’t touch me.” He spat. “Don’t touch me like we’re friends or on good terms right now.” ****  
** **

“We’re more than friends, aren’t we?” ****  
** **

Josh said nothing, shouldering some folded jeans and humming a small tune to himself.  ****  
** **

“Aren’t we?” Tyler repeated, his voice quivering at the end.  ****  
** **

“I don’t even know what we are, to be honest with you, Tyler.” ****  
** **

“So, I say  _ one thing  _ out of line and all of a sudden our relationship is done for?” He huffed. “What about the shit you said at lunch?” ****  
** **

“I thought that was what you wanted. For us to not be friends at school. I was protecting your oh-so precious reputation.” Josh didn’t meet his gaze, only tying the black bag he had been looking through. “Ah, dude- do you know where my snapbacks are? ****  
** **

“Your snapbacks aren’t important right now!” ****  
** **

“This relationship obviously isn’t important to you either.” He clapped back. “But seriously, I need my snapbacks, ‘cause I feel like my style has really been-” ****  
** **

“Of course it’s important to me, Josh. We’ve been dating for almost 8 months.” ****  
** **

“Doesn’t feel like it.” ****  
** **

The room was suddenly illuminated by a bolt of wiry lightning, painting the lifelessness of Josh’s expression on Tyler’s eyelids.  ****  
** **

“Why are you being like this?” Tyler threw his hands up, exasperated.  ****  
** **

“Look.” He pointed at a spot on the side of his head, a pinkish cut scabbing there. “You know, that’s from when you pushed me against the wall. It bled for hours.” ****  
** **

“I didn’t mean to push you that hard, Josh.” ****  
** **

“Well, it doesn’t matter.” He snarled, finally turning to face Tyler. “You fucking pushed me so hard my head got cut. You had a split second decision to make and you chose to push me.” ****  
** **

“I didn’t mean to!” ****  
** **

“Yeah, well, what’s done is done.”  ****  
** **

“Why do you always have to make a big deal over nothing?” Tyler barked, grinding his teeth together.  ****  
** **

“This isn’t ‘nothing,’ Tyler.” He shook his head tiredly. “It hurts. It always hurts when you do this.” ****  
** **

“Do what?” ****  
** **

“Pretend like I don’t exist, push me away, lie to me, cheat on-” ****  
** **

“Oh, come on, not this fucking cheating thing again.” Tyler rolled his eyes. “Can’t you just move on?” ****  
** **

“No, I can’t.” Josh’s voice raised, and he walked up closer to Tyler. “Because you have no idea how it feels to be less important than someone’s reputation, or to be someone’s dirty little secret.” ****  
** **

“You’re not-” ****  
** **

“Yeah. I am.” He punctuated each word with a poke to Tyler’s chest. “If not, why did you push me away at the party?” ****  
** **

“I was drunk, Josh.” ****  
** **

“Not drunk enough to forget about your damn ego.” ****  
** **

“What’s your problem, dude? You knew when we getting into this that it would be a secret thing. You even promised to give me enough time to come out, and now all of a sudden you’re pressuring me to?” ****  
** **

“I’m not pressuring you into anything.” Josh sighed, stepping back. “I don’t care if you come out today, or in ten years, but you don’t need to treat me like shit or ignore me to do that.” ****  
** **

“C’mon, Josh. I don’t treat you like shit.” ****  
** **

“Of course you would say something like that. Why don’t you want to go public about us?” ****  
** **

“I’m not-” ****  
** **

“Are you embarrassed of me?” ****  
** **

“No-” ****  
** **

“Do you not feel the same way about me anymore?” ****  
** **

“I do-” ****  
** **

“Do you regret this?” ****  
** **

“No, Josh-” ****  
** **

“Then what?” ****  
** **

“I don't know who I am anymore!” The words burst out of his mouth, his hands picking up a notebook of his desk and sending it across the room. “Okay? I was so sure of it till you came along and just fucked up the one thing I was sure about. The one part of myself I was comfortable with.” Josh averted his gaze, but no tension left his body. “I don't know who I am right now. And I don't like that. I feel like I'm going to forget who I am, if I ever even existed.”  ****  
** **

“So I’m just supposed to ignore my feelings just because you’re having some sort of late identity crisis?” ****  
** **

“Wow,” Tyler snorted. “So fucking empathetic.” ****  
** **

“Not everything’s about you Tyler, okay?” Josh shouted. “You need to take your head out of your asshole for once in your life and realize the world doesn’t revolve around you!” ****  
** **

“How am I making everything about me?” Tyler shrieked right back.  ****  
** **

A bolt of hot lightning broke the utter blackness, brightening the room almost into whiteness, but just for the briefest of moments. And in that illumination, Tyler saw the other’s tear streaked face and flushed cheeks, matching his own.  ****  
** **

“You never think about how I feel? I have to hide how I feel about you just because you care way too damn much about what other people think!” ****  
** **

“BOO-FUCKING-HOO.” Tyler exploded, pushing Josh’s shoulders and causing him to stumble back. “Why do have to be so difficult? This is why  _ your own fucking mother _ left you behind to be a fucking cum dump for your dad!” ****  
** **

Tyler's words fell out of his mouth like vapor but rained down from the sky like sharpened spears. He felt his own heart tear, and the blood drain from his face. Josh’s eyes were cold and hard like steel and his features immobile. He was as pale as a sheet and swayed like someone about to vomit.  ****  
** **

His hands shakily went up to his nape, unclasping the pendant dangling there. He handed back the necklace and Tyler let it fall as soon as it hit his palm. There was the sharp sound of metal on wood but neither of them moved to pick it up. ****  
** **

Then he turned towards the door to go, shoulders dropping and his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. Tyler instinctively moved to stand in his way and they locked eyes, the perfect distance for a kiss, but instead, Josh sighed and kept his body rigid. Tyler could see his own pain and regret reflected in his deep eyes. Josh spoke softly, voice crackling from the restraint of his emotions.  ****  
** **

“This heartbreak feels cold. Like ice melting in my chest.” He paused to take a breath. “Only you can cause this. You’re the only one that can break my heart with just a few careless words.” He scoffed. “That was a low-blow. I trusted you with that, probably a bad idea, but I did. I can tolerate a lot of the things you say but that was too far." ****  
** **

Tyler almost embraced the other boy, as the hurt festering in his eyes was unbearable to watch. ****  
** **

“Worst part is, you know that, don't you?” Josh focused on Tyler’s eyes now, his gaze dark and betrayed. “You said that you wanted to be with me, but that was all a lie, wasn't it?” ****  
** **

Tyler opened his mouth to object, to say  _ anything _ , but instead more tears crawled down his cheeks. Josh bit his lip, coughing out a single breathy sob into the air.

"Am I just an object to you? Something to kiss and to get you off?" 

The thunder and the corresponding lightning had weakened, leaving only the soft susurrations of the rain. ****  
** **

“You know what, I don't really care.” He huffed, jaded, putting a hand on Tyler’s chest to move him aside. The warmth of his fingers against his body almost made his heart jump out of his chest. He wanted to grab the boy in front of him and kiss him senseless, but instead he looked into his eyes, and hoped his pleas would be read.  ****  
** **

“Goodbye, Tyler.” ****  
** **

He reached for the doorknob, but Tyler’s hand wrapped around his wrist held him in place. He cringed when Josh flinched back.  ****  
** **

“Please, Josh.” ****  
** **

“Let me go.” ****  
** **

“I didn’t mean-” ****  
** **

“Let me go.” ****  
** **

“Josh, I was angry I didn’t-” His voice was getting more frantic by the word. “Please.” ****  
** **

“Tyler, it hurts to be here. In this, with you.”  ****  
** **

“I know, but,” His voice was borderline crackling. “You can’t leave, Josh. You mean too much to just leave like this, please.” ****  
** **

“You say that but… we both know it’s not true. I can't let you keep hurting me like this. Just, let me leave.” ****  
** **

“Josh, please-” ****  
** **

“Why can’t I leave, Tyler? Isn’t it what you want?” ****  
** **

“I’m in love with you.” ****  
** **

The words escaped his lips before his mind had time to catch up, and before he had time to take them back. He knew, in these words, he had just opened floodgates for the reformation and rediscovery of himself. His own internal renaissance. He was in love with another man, no matter how much he didn’t want to except it, there was no denying it.  ****  
** **

“Tyler,” His eyes widened, chest heaving slightly. “You can't-” ****  
** **

“Josh, I do.” His voice cracked. “I’m so stupid… and I’m so sorry that I caused you this pain.” He said. “And as much as you- rightfully- hate me right now, you need to know that I hate myself more. You have to deal with the repercussions of my actions.” He stopped to unclench his tightening fist.  “I did this to you. To us. I hurt the most important person- no, the person I  _ love _ the most, in my life. If someone else hurt you like this, I’d give them a black eye they’d never forget.” ****  
** **

Josh just stood there and just stared blankly. The silence in the room pierced Tyler’s ears.  ****  
** **

“I’ll give you all the time you need to forgive me. I’ll always be waiting for you.” ****  
** **

“ _ No- _ ” ****  
** **

Tyler gripped the other boy’s scarred wrist tighter, eyes searching Josh’s face for a suitable reaction.  ****  
** **

“I love you, Josh, I love you. Tonight. Tomorrow. The next 70 years. For as long as we live. Forever.” ****  
** **

Josh’s breath hitched, and two lonesome tears escaped his downcast eyes. ****  
** **

“Tyler,” Josh whispered. “I have stage four lung cancer. I’m terminal.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to yell at me y'all.


	20. Antidisestablishmentarianism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, I heard you guys really loved that last chapter so... we're picking up right where we left off with a quick POV switch
> 
> also, there is a bit of masturbation in this chapter so if that makes you uncomfortable you can totally skip.
> 
> anyways, enjoy

Josh's words obviously splintered inside Tyler, and he shattered his own heart as he said them.   ****  
** **

Terminal.  ****  
** **

Hospice.  ****  
** **

No more morning walks in the park, or crazy ventures to the edge of the town. Only comfort care and rock-hard hospital beds from here on out.  ****  
** **

“I have until about the end of June. Which is roughly three months to live.” Josh continued. “I don't want to spend it with you if all you're going to do is hurt me. Please, leave me alone.” His words were barely audible, but Tyler looked as if he was about to pass out any second.  ****  
** **

His sharp nails continued to dig into Josh’s wrist, with no sign of letting up any time soon. The quiet  ticking of the wooden clock on the wall sent electric small shivers through his already trembling body. His chin quivered pitifully and he bit back more tepid tears, whispering for the final time, “Leave me alone.”  ****  
** **

Tyler’s fingers unlatched from his arms seconds later, and his eyes finally focused, darkening moments later. Josh barely had any time to look away because suddenly he crossed the distance between them and pulled them together, wrapping his arms around him. Josh pulled at the material of the brunette's hoodie, trying to push him away, but his own arms betrayed him and fell into the embrace. Tyler's arms were warm, thin but toned, and squeezed Josh into his chest. The world around had melted away as he squeezed him back, holding onto the other like a life jacket. ****  
** **

And then tears were streaming steadily down his cheeks, dripping onto the dark material his nose was buried against. His breaths began to hiccup and dribble but Tyler only held him and shushed him gently. He rubbed soothing circles into Josh's stuttering back and brushed his lips against his still damp hair, whispering sweet nothings into the locks. ****  
** **

Tyler pulled back only to rub away the tear tracks on Josh's face, his calloused finger, featherlight. He held out his hand, and Josh laid his own on top of it, their fingers lacing instinctively. Tyler led their joint bodies two or three paces to the bed, and coaxed them together on it, their hands still interwoven. ****  
** **

Tyler wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled them even closer, their bodies melding together like pieces of a puzzle. Despite the heaviness stuck like a stone in his stomach, Josh’s heart fluttered ever so slightly and the steady stream of tears became more sporadic. He sunk into the warmth of the other's side. The room was a little warmer somehow, the future brightening just a little, seeming a little less bleak. ****  
** **

In his embrace, the cold rain seemed so far away, and the whooshing of the tires against the wet asphalt dissolved into nothingness. The room was darkening swiftly as the sun obscured by angry clouds lowered in the exhausted sky. ****  
** **

"Please don't leave me." The words hardly sounded intelligible, just a jumble of rushed and pleading words falling haphazardly out of his lips. He held his breath, trying to restrain yet another sob climbing up his throat.  ****  
** **

Tyler's chin moved to rest on the top of Josh’s head. His arms clenched even tighter.

"I'll never leave you. We will get through this. I love you, so, so much, okay?"

Words could not describe the eruption of pure affection and adoration that exploded in his chest, even causing it to hitch. It shoved away the anger and frustration of earlier, replacing it with much fonder and sweeter emotions. ****  
** **

Fitting for someone practically on their deathbed. ****  
** **

He said nothing, and apparently that was enough of an answer for the brunette, who just laid one ghostly peck on his forehead.  ****  
** **

With their chests rising and falling together and against each other, their breaths in unison, Josh's eyes slipped shut and he welcomed the world of darkness.

****

***

****

Tyler twined his fingers with the flat strands red hair, careful not to jostle the boy who was softly snoring on his chest. Amidst the harsh darkness, Tyler could still make out the paleness of his creamy skin, like whipped cream, as the bounds of moonlight flowed into the room. He looked frail, so small on helpless as he gripped onto Tyler's shirt with iron fists, even in his sleep. ****  
** **

His cheekbones were too noticeable, with his sunken in, tired eyes above unshaven cheeks. His lungs wheezed with every painfully slow breath, and his body shuddered, no matter how many blankets Tyler encased them in. ****  
** **

_Josh was dying._ ****  
** **

Stage four lung cancer with a maximum of three months to live. An optimist couldn't even spin that grim tragedy, because there simply was no hope to be realized. Josh was dying, and Tyler felt his soul fading along with him. ****  
** **

Their fight from earlier still wasn't over, he knew that much, as the anger in Josh surely ran deep. There was bubbling anguish and frustration in the red boy, and Tyler knew he would receive the wrath of it sooner or later.  The argument was more, “put on pause” after both of their confessions.  ****  
** **

Speaking of, yeah, Tyler really loved Josh.  ****  
** **

A couple of days ago, he might have described this warm buzzing in his heart as adoration or confused emotions, but he imperatively had to come to terms with who he was now: completely and utterly in love with another man.  ****  
** **

He couldn't really decide if he regretted admitting it. Although it was relieving to get it off his chest, it also was like an aged emotional dam had finally broken and he couldn't stop the unadulterated emotions washing over him.  ****  
** **

His mind warped and strained, shifting into a blinding headache. He almost felt disgusted by himself, the feelings he was experiencing were so foreign it almost didn't feel like it was him. But the strange thing was the fact that it made him so content, accepting this feelings in his heart practically set him free. He might as well have been a paralyzed man who finally regained the ability to walk.  ****  
** **

It was almost like he could breathe after a life of suffocation, because now he understood one part of himself. He was alive, revitalized, and mentally together, or at least it felt like it for once.  ****  
** **

He couldn't help feeling like he betrayed a grand deity, and hell was sure to ensue. He had this sickening coldness stuck in his gut forewarning him of horrible events in the near future that would derail- ****  
** **

He was jolted back to consciousness by a violent shaking from next to him. Hands in his shirt gripped so tightly, Tyler was afraid the material would tear. Josh was curled up into a ball, trembling. His breaths were uneven and hitched occasionally. He sometimes sniffled and begged even though his eyes were still screwed shut. His face was wet and his body, sheened in a thin layer of sweat. The sheets were twisted around his legs, probably because he was thrashing in his sleep. Tyler could feel the other’s heart pound against his own chest. ****  
** **

“Josh!“ Tyler barely recognized his own voice whisper-screaming the other boy’s name in a pure panic. “Josh, fuck, look at me.“ His voice was wobbling and thick with tears, begging in such a desperate tone. He was so helpless, and the other boy showed almost no signs of recognition and continued to kick. ****  
** **

He sat up, scooping Josh up and placing his head on his chest, stroking his hair lightly. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” He hugged him then, rocking them together. ****  
** **

The red boy cried out, tears finally spilling from his eyes, and his prattling became slightly more coherent. ****  
** **

“P-please… I did-n’t do anything wrong… don’t hurt me, stop.” He croaked out, and Tyler felt what few pieces of his heart shatter into dust.

“Please be okay Josh, please wake up.” And suddenly his eyes snapped open, fear dotting them, until they focused on Tyler’s face.  ****  
** **

“Ty-” He was cut off by his own sob, and Tyler choked back another one of his own.  ****  
** **

Tyler stroked his hair and face until Josh’s whimpers ceased into gentle hiccups. Tyler pressed them closer. ****  
** **

“How do you feel, J?”  ****  
** **

“Tired.” Came the huffed response. ****  
** **

“What was your dream about?” He questioned tentatively.  ****  
** **

“What do you think?” He said, not aggressively or condescendingly. ****  
** **

Tyler sighed and Josh reciprocated, and more tears escaped his eyes. ****  
** **

“I’m sorry I can't say it back yet.” ****  
** **

Tyler connected their gazes again, perking an eyebrow.  ****  
** **

“How I feel about you.” Josh continued, putting a hand over his eyes. Tyler made a small sound of acknowledgement but otherwise let the quiet settle over the room.  ****  
** **

“You don’t have to apologize for something like that.” Tyler replied. ****  
** **

“Yes, I do, because God- right now, you’re struggling with like discovering yourself and I already know that about myself and you can say that and be okay but I can’t even say three fucking words-” ****  
** **

“Josh, seriously.” Tyler rubbed the tears running down on the other’s face. “It’s okay.” ****  
** **

Josh still did not remove his hands from his face, instead his body becoming strangely tense.  ****  
** **

“Can I know why, though?”  ****  
** **

“It’s just because,” He cut himself off to take a sharp breath. “I can remember everything.” ****  
** **

“About your father?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He pulled a bit of chapped skin off his lip. “I can remember how my body moved with each hit, or like how the pain stung my skin and how helpless I was.” He screwed his eyes shut. “I probably cried at first, that part I don’t remember. But I remember how it only made it worse.” ****  
** **

Tyler ran a cautious hand up his arm, tracing the scars, silently urging him to continue.  ****  
** **

“And this was the man I loved the most. The same one who bought me ice-cream every time I got all A’s.” He laughed, tearily. “When I was younger, he was the one who would put me on his shoulders or let me piggyback on him like he was an airplane. I think he did his best in his own way. I think he still does.” He sounded so painfully nostalgic as he muttered quietly about this man, it made Tyler’s heart drum with aches. “When my mom left, and he changed, I still held onto that hope that he would go back to the way he was before; my hero. Now, I'm all grown up and shit and I can't live in that fantasy anymore. I can't take love from him because he betrayed and hurt me. I can’t give it either because I know it's just gonna end up with me hurt.” He finally took his arm away from his eyes, their honey color slick with fresh tears. “He hurt me so deep Tyler, it was like the hand fed me suddenly started to choke me or something. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but I can’t say that I love you right now. I’m sorry.” ****  
** **

“You don’t have to apologize for something like that. Ever.” Tyler tried to control the shaking in his own voice. “This won’t change what I feel, okay? I will stay with you even if you never say it back.” ****  
** **

Josh craned his neck up from Tyler’s lap, and connected their lips gently. Tyler kissed the teardrops resting on his lips, and felt Josh’s lips grin slightly against his own. Tyler nibbled somewhat on his cupid’s bow, knowing how much it drove the other crazy, just to tease him. Josh hung his fingers on the waistband on Tyler’s jeans, dragging him closer.  ****  
** **

They pulled away with a small smack, and the red boy buried his face into his shoulder curve, and Tyler hummed quietly in response. He whispered a small, “I love you,” into his cherry locks. Tyler held the other boy until he stopped sniffling, and pressed one last kiss to his forehead before pulling away.  ****  
** **

“God,” Josh ran his hands over his face. “I’m such a mess.” ****  
** **

“Same, bro,” Tyler laughed, rolling out of bed. “You should take a shower or something. To like- um, feel refreshed.” ****  
** **

“Maybe in a bit.” He shrugged, rolling a cigarette through his fingers, and eventually lighting it. ****  
** **

“You’re smoking?” Tyler gasped, voice thin with disbelief. ****  
** **

“Yeah,” His eyes squinted into narrow slits as they scanned Tyler up and down. “You have eyes, don’t you?” His tone was suddenly deadly, almost daring Tyler to say something. ****  
** **

“Um,” He cleared his throat, awkwardly. “Yeah, I do.” ****  
** **

“Good.” Josh took an extra long drag, rubbing his eyes. ****  
** **

Tyler shifted on his feet, trying to contain his impulsive urge to snatch the cig from the other boy and yell, _‘You have cancer, stop smoking!’_ He eventually turned away, biting the inside of his cheek. He replaced the sticky hoodie he was wearing and placed a beanie from his closet atop his head. ****  
** **

“Where are you going?” Josh asked, and Tyler could still see him trembling from across the room.  ****  
** **

“Out.” ****  
** **

“Wow, thank you for that amazingly detailed answer.” ****  
** **

“You’re quite welcome.” Tyler snickered, noting the bewildered look on Josh’s face. “But seriously, I’ll be back before you can say _antidisestablishmentarianism_ .” ****  
** **

“Anti- wait, what?” ****  
** **

“Keep trying, hun, you’ll get it.” ****  
** **

Tyler shut the door behind him, still hearing Josh muttering ‘antidisest- ugh, fuck’ to himself, and giggled. The happy mood left him shortly thereafter though. The smile on his face was quickly replaced by a scowl, as he marched downstairs and slipped through the front door. He left his keys behind, as his family was home now, and so they would get suspicious if his car was gone.  ****  
** **

The fresh, sweet smell of the rain stole some of the tension of his muscles but did nothing else to soothe him, because _by God_ he was pissed.

****

***

****

The door to the Denny’s opened without much effort. The small buzz of the LEDs accompanied the screech of the hinges as Tyler entered.   ****  
** **

The place was empty, not a single person residing in any of the booths. The midnight air had sent chills up his spine when he'd walked here, so he easily understood why no one would be here this late at night. No waiters or waitresses stood at the cashier counter, so he simply pocketed his beanie and glanced around the room for a shift list.  ****  
** **

A small, jubilant noise escaped his lips once he did, now knowing that he had arrived at the perfect time. So he took a seat in one of the polished, plastic chairs and waited.  ****  
** **

It was shameful how much he ached for a bottle of beer or vodka right now.  ****  
** **

He'd found himself craving alcohol every night since that cursed party. He wasn't addicted or anything, more asking for substance assistance to figure himself out. When he was drunk, all of these societal labels didn't matter anymore. He hadn't been gay, he hadn't been lonely, he had just been Tyler. But now it was worrying him how much he wanted a drink again, just to douse the worries brewing in his heart. ****  
** **

Maybe it was why Josh smoked himself to death, just to feel free. Tyler could only imagine how it would be to have to live with something as gruesome as abuse. It had been a dirty secret, something Josh hadn't explicitly told him about until a couple of weeks ago. Maybe the nicotine and the weed and the cocaine broke him away from that life, relinquishing him and allowing him to float, free of his past. But his addiction was a huge problem, if the cancer wasn't enough of an indicator of that. Josh needed to stop, and Tyler was going to make sure of that, whether the other boy knew about it or not. ****  
** **

Thus, why he was sitting at this particular Denny's well past midnight. ****  
** **

As if on cue, a waitress, a little late for her shift, walked up to his table and spoke carelessly to him.  ****  
** **

“Hello, sir. Welcome to Denny's.” She rolled her blonde hair between her finger, which were adorned by sharp acrylic nails. She deposited a glass of water on his table, the condensation on it already dripping to the table. “Is there anything I could get for you?” ****  
** **

“I just want to talk to you, Debby. If that's okay.” ****  
** **

She searched his face, eyes narrowed, like she was digging in her in her memory. ****  
** **

“You're not a cop or anything, right?” ****  
** **

“What- no,” He laughed a little to himself. “My name's Tyler, we've met before but it's been a while-” ****  
** **

“Oh,” Her face lit up in recognition but her body didn't relax, not even in the slightest. “You're the infamous boyfriend Josh is always talking about.” ****  
** **

“All good things, I hope?” He took a sip of the water, and downed it slowly. Debby’s eyes never once left him. ****  
** **

“Sometimes.” Debby clicked her tongue. “So you came all the way here to ‘talk’?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He gestured to the chair opposite him. “Have a seat, please.” ****  
** **

She complied, glancing around the room, and settled down in the chair. ****  
** **

“What is so important you came to find me at one in the morning?” ****  
** **

“Josh.”  ****  
** **

He kept his eyes trained on her as the color drained from her face.   ****  
** **

“Oh god, please tell me he's okay. He didn't do anything stupid, right? He's been getting worse-” ****  
** **

“No, no. I didn't come to talk to you about-” He cut himself off as her words suck into his brain. “What do you mean ‘he didn't do anything stupid?’” ****  
** **

“It was just panic.” She brushed her hair out her face, collecting herself. “Plus, maybe you should ask him about his… feelings towards himself. Might help him to have someone else to talk to.” ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“Just, nevermind.” She chuckled, the relief sleeping out of her tone. She picked a blunt out of from her apron pocket and patted her legs for a lighter. ****  
** **

Tyler snatched it out of her hands, enjoying the stupefied look overtaking her features as he threw it on the ground.  ****  
** **

“I'm here to talk about that.” He pointed at the roll of weed on the ground. ****  
** **

“Dude, I paid some good fucking money for that-” ****  
** **

“I don't care.” He snapped. “I don't. You're enabling Josh with your constant smoking and shit-” ****  
** **

“I'm not enabling him. He's an adult-” ****  
** **

“Yes, you are. And he is not an adult, he's 17-” ****  
** **

“Well, that's old enough to make his own decisions-” ****  
** **

“No-” ****  
** **

“Yeah-” ****  
** **

“C’mon-” ****  
** **

“Actually-” ****  
** **

“Okay, stop!” Tyler held out the palm of his hand in front of the girl's face. “We're not going to get anywhere if we can't fucking finish our sentences.” ****  
** **

“Well,” She shrugged. “You wanted to talk. So talk.” ****  
** **

Tyler took a long sip of water to revive his drying throat. He bit his lip, the ends of his eyes stinging.  ****  
** **

“Josh is sick. Very, very sick. And I don't think he's trying to get better.” ****  
** **

“He has cancer, doesn't he?” ****  
** **

“How did you know?” His eyebrows shot up involuntarily in surprise. ****  
** **

“He smokes a lot and he's been doing for a long time. It wasn't really a matter of ‘if,’ more like a matter of ‘when’.” ****  
** **

“And you didn't try to stop him?” His voice was taut as his fingers clenched so tightly around the glass, it might've shattered. ****  
** **

“No, like I said before, I think he's an adult who can make his own decisions.” She rubbed her eyes. “Plus, when you met, did you immediately tell him to stop smoking?” ****  
** **

“No,” Tyler sat up, a little taken aback by the question. “It wasn't any of my business.” ****  
** **

“So what makes it my business now?” ****  
** **

“No, it wasn't any of my business _back then,_ Debby _._ ” He clarified, his foot tapping against the floor. “We've been dating for almost eight months, it's my goddamn business now.”  ****  
** **

“Did he ask you to help him?“ ****  
** **

“No, but-” ****  
** **

“Then why are you here? If he didn't ask for help then why are you imposing yourself-” ****  
** **

“Because he's dying!” He yelled, slamming his palm on the table. “He's dying, oh my God, he's dying-” ****  
** **

“Woah, there. Take a deep breath.” She urged, but Tyler only shook his head, burying his face in his hands. ****  
** **

“He's dying. In three months, I'm not gonna- he's not gonna be- oh my God, he's dying.” And then the realization set in, and accompanying it were fresh tears.  ****  
** **

“Calm down-” ****  
** **

“No!” He stood, legs wobbling. “Three months from now he's going to be dead. _Dead_ , Debby. And you're just offering him drug after drug just because he wants it. What, you want him to only live for another month?” ****  
** **

“He's an adult-” ****  
** **

“Stop with that bullshit.” He snapped, almost falling over as the room began to spin. “He may be almost eighteen but that doesn't mean he's okay. He's struggling, Debby, he's just self medicating. A real friend wouldn't let him do that to himself.” ****  
** **

“Him and I, we're not friends, Tyler.” She stood too, eyes trained on the table as she began wiping it with a wet rag. There were no crumbs to be cleaned, but the waitress kept scrubbing as if there were. ****  
** **

“You're not- what?” ****  
** **

_“We're not friends.”_ She reiterated, enunciating dramatically. “It's just business. Josh, to me, is like a consumer, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep that consumer coming back.” ****  
** **

“So, you're just using him?” Tyler didn't even bother holding back the disgust in his tone. ****  
** **

“Yes.” She deadpanned. “He uses my shit to feel better and I have enough money to pay bills.” ****  
** **

“But- he's- you care about him!” Tyler tried. ****  
** **

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't.” She finally looked him in the eye, and a chill up his spine. “Look, I'm sorry he's sick and all but I'm not gonna stop selling.” ****  
** **

“I hope you burn in hell.” He snarled, and stomped away, the steps echoing throughout the store.  ****  
** **

“I'll see you down there.” She quipped back. ****  
** **

Tyler stuffed his beanie over his head and kicked the door open.  ****  
** **

The rain picked up, harsh and dreary, beating down on him as he marched home.

****

***

****

Josh fished the lighter out of his pocket, lighting a new cigarette in between his fingers. The bathroom lights were off even though he was balanced upon the toilet, one foot underneath him as he sat hunched.  ****  
** **

He had moved from the bedroom once he noticed the smoke detector blinking, and went instead to the bathroom where the noxious nicotine fumes would stay trapped. He'd even gone to the extent to stuff the space between the door and the floor with towels, as the Joseph's catching him smoking would not bode well. His back and shoulders were still wet from his shower earlier. ****  
** **

He inhaled slowly, sealing his lips shut, and keeping the warmth like a blanket around his lungs. He didn't even stop to blow the smoke out, instead he took more small, slow draws of the cig. Eventually his lungs squeezed in on themselves, causing the nicotine smoke to tumble out of his chest in the form of coughs. His mind was quiet and his body was still, a rare occurrence nowadays. ****  
** **

He was hard through his boxers, nothing more than a little ridge that had caught his eye.  ****  
** **

A cigarette hung limply in his lips as every muscle in his body tensed with anticipation. His breath hitched slightly in his throat as his cautious fingers trailed down his stomach. His head fell back slightly as his hand finally slipped under the waistband of his boxers. ****  
** **

He couldn't believe it. He was actually doing this.  ****  
** **

The boxers eventually found their way to his ankles while a shaky breath stuttered across his lips. His flesh was hot and steamy under his hand. He cupped himself, and the darkness in the room was met with a barely audible groan. ****  
** **

His eyes shut and he rubbed his thumb around his slit. His hips lifted. It seemed as if his skin was too sensitive, too starved of gentle touch that he responded so eagerly to even a hint of it. ****  
** **

In his mind’s eye, he saw nothing, just the blackness of the backs of his eyelids. He couldn't fathom thinking of anyone, dragging them down as well as he committed sinful act after sinful act.  ****  
** **

He couldn't think of his father.  ****  
** **

He just couldn't think of his harsh hands peversing him. He couldn't think about how his body had responded so keenly to the touch one might have thought that he consented. Maybe the pleas that had escaped his were lies, fantasies, covering up the fact that he wanted it. That he put himself in a position to be attacked. ****  
** **

Two lengthy drags from the cigarette punctuated his thought process.  ****  
** **

He quickly found a bottle of lotion lying around in one of the drawers, and smeared his hands in it, immediately going back to work. ****  
** **

It was his body, only he could touch it, and no one else had that privilege unless he gave it to them. But as his father had made very clear, his consent meant nothing in the animalistic world of lust. If someone wanted him, they could take him, and he had no power to say no. Not like anyone would want him anyway. ****  
** **

He was just a used, damaged cockshiner for anyone's taking. ****  
** **

One drag. ****  
** **

His hips bucked and he whimpered into the air. ****  
** **

_Useless, useless, useless._ ****  
** **

His wrist flicked as sweat beaded and rolled down his chest. ****  
** **

_Damaged, damaged, damaged._ ****  
** **

He worked himself to the deprecating mantra in his head. ****  
** **

_No one will ever want you._ ****  
** **

He felt the convulsions of the orgasm rock up his body, blurring his vision for a bit, as his stomach became coated in white stripes. His body still twitched with the aftershocks. ****  
** **

He tipped back his head, and a morose sigh fluttered out of his throat. While his body was covered in sweat, his face was bathed in tears. He hid it with a long tremor, ashamed. ****  
** **

His breaths were ragged, panting as his body begged for air. He couldn't quite tell if the stemmed from his recent climax or the pure self hatred brewing in his gut. Here he was, in his boyfriend's bathroom, jerking it and smoking, even though he had cancer.  ****  
** **

The thing was though, he couldn't find it in himself to care. ****  
** **

His body was dying, but he'd never felt more alive. A strange phenomenon, he mused while wiping himself off with a towel. He was buzzing pleasantly, numb but content. His end would come in three months but he would rather live his last few weeks high out of his mind than spend them sober and suffering. ****  
** **

He stumbled out of the bathroom on weak knees, and snuffed the cigarette on his arm. He sniffled, wiping his wet face for the millionth time today. He chose to remain shirtless as he slugged on some sweats and collapsed onto the mattress.  ****  
** **

It was so much softer than his at home. ****  
** **

It had that cool cedar smell of Tyler, and the safety held there almost drained the tension from his bones. It didn't smell like alcohol, or weed, or sweat, or struggle, or lack of consent, or anything that he associated with his own house.  ****  
** **

He didn't want to belittle himself by thinking he was free.  ****  
** **

Sure, with Tyler or even Debby, he wasn't in any physical danger. His dad was probably too buzzed to notice he was gone anyway. But even with the miles of distance between them, the drunkard still had a firm grip on his mind. He walked tense now, for fear of a hand materializing and forcing him to perform completely humiliating acts. He may not want to think about it, but his body remembered everything. A single casual touch could send him into a violent panic attack that would take hours to recover from. He was tainted and disgusting, be slightly surprised that Tyler didn't touch him with a 10 foot pole. ****  
** **

He was no longer in the tangible clutches of his father, but he truly did belong to the man. Every part of his mind and body was property of his father's. The man owned him, even if he wasn't there to physically beat him into saying it. He was less than human, just an object. ****  
** **

He'd lost his mind, but it wasn't even his to lose. ****  
** **

Three sharp knocks on the window shook Josh out of his daze. ****  
** **

Tyler was perched on the window, eyes wide, and knuckles white from their grip on the sill. Josh hurried to unlock it, fumbling with the twist knob for too long, his shaky fingers having no grip. ****  
** **

The brunette stepped in, clothes damp, sighing and muscles tense. He began stripping his sticky clothes off wordlessly while Josh stood aside, shuffling his feet. ****  
** **

“Hey.” The younger said, his voice crackling. ****  
** **

“Are you okay?” Josh posed, making room for the boy to slip off his shirt. ****  
** **

“Yeah.” ****  
** **

“What are you thinking about?” ****  
** **

“I'm gonna go shower.” He whispered. ****  
** **

Josh looked on as Tyler walked away.

****

***

****

The lake was the stark image of the sky above it, the cosmic abyss was plastered onto the wide body of water. A breeze ran over the glassy surface, ruffling and causing small waves. The humid spring air was thick with the pine trees and evergreens that circled the lake, casting the space in a deep shadow. ****  
** **

Tyler could almost see the sun peeking up over the horizon. ****  
** **

The original plan, since Tyler’s 1990 Honda had chosen not to start, had been to get dressed and walk to someplace to grab breakfast. They'd ended up settling for a few gorditas from Taco bell, staying in their pajamas, painting each other's nails while the sun came up over the dock. ****  
** **

Tyler held Josh's hand carefully, lips pursed as he tried to keep the brush steady. Josh's work had been much better when he'd painted a black coat over his fingers, and Tyler was trying to reciprocate that finality with the white nail polish in his hands.  ****  
** **

They hadn't shared a word since they'd arrived, but Tyler found himself quite content with the lack of sound in the air. The unsure chirps of young birds and the small bubbles rising to the surface of the lake put him at ease. Just a bit.  ****  
** **

Josh threw a stone across the lake with his free hand, and it scuttled twice or three times before plunging into the water. ****  
** **

He hummed contently, and Tyler smiled momentarily. ****  
** **

“Antidisestablishmentarianism.” Josh mused into the air. ****  
** **

“Congrats.” He dabbed at some paint which had gotten on the boy’s finger. ****  
** **

“I figured out how to say it about three hours ago.” ****  
** **

“And?” ****  
** **

“You said you'd be back before I learned how to say it. You weren't.” ****  
** **

“Sorry.” Tyler leaned forward to blow on the finger he'd been working on. “It took me longer than I thought it would.” ****  
** **

“Where were you?” ****  
** **

“Just dealing with a problem.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” ****  
** **

Silence fell between them again. ****  
** **

“You're not mad I'm not telling you?” Tyler screwed the cap on the polish, and Josh retracted his hand.  ****  
** **

“There's no point.” ****  
** **

“Why?” ****  
** **

“I'm dying. I don't want to be mad at anyone.” He said simply. Another stone skidded across the water. ****  
** **

Tyler made a sad noise of understanding, and dipped his toes, creating small ripples. ****  
** **

“We don't matter in the grand scheme of things, right?” ****  
** **

“That’s rather pessimistic, don't you think?” Josh quirked an eyebrow, the deep swirls of brown that colored his pupils. They shone like sunlight but hid flecks of justified mistrust. ****  
** **

“Yeah, but,” He sat up, eyeing the glassy surface. “In a couple hundred years, no one’s going to remember me. My name, it won't mean anything to anyone.” ****  
** **

“You only really get remembered if you change the world.” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” Tyler examined the black polish on his own thumb.  ****  
** **

“Maybe it’s a good thing.” ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“When you die and no one remembers you, your mistakes and the bad parts of you die too. You were nothing more than a fleeting, unimportant event in history. When you cease to exist, everything about you does as well. It’s kind of beautiful.”  ****  
** **

“Isn’t it dangerous to look at death like that? It should terrify anyone.” Tyler tried to hold back the surprise seeping through his voice. ****  
** **

“Yeah, well,” He shrugged. “I think it’s comforting.” ****  
** **

He drew in a large breath, The air had yet a hint about it of dawn, flavoring of gold. ****  
** **

“So, what are we?” Tyler turned to look at the other. ****  
** **

“Insignificant.” He deadpanned. ****  
** **

Tyler laughed slightly, his lips upturning, and the older boy’s face relaxed into a grin. ****  
** **

“Seriously, though,” Tyler whispered. “Are we still together?” ****  
** **

“I don’t know.” ****  
** **

“You don’t know?” ****  
** **

“No.” He took a deep breath. “This relationship is both the best and the worst thing that’s happened to me in a long time. But it really hurts to be in this with you. So I don’t know.” ****  
** **

“I’ll be better, Josh, I swear on my life.” Tyler took the other’s cold hand in his own. “You make me so happy, and I’ll do anything to keep you right here with me. I’ll be whatever you need, boyfriend, friend, for as long as you’ll allow me.” ****  
** **

“Could we take a break? Just cause like I feel this is a really hard- but it’s okay if that’s too much-”  ****  
** **

“Of course. I think you need a best friend way more than you need a boyfriend right now.” ****  
** **

Josh sighed, squeezing Tyler’s fingers. ****  
** **

“Thanks.” ****  
** **

“No need. I owe you at least that much.” ****  
** **

“How long will you wait?” ****  
** **

“Till the end of time.”

****

***

****

Josh balanced his sketchbook on his crossed legs, as he dragged the pencil airily across it.  ****  
** **

The charcoal in it drew a confused picture of towering trees, swirling galaxies, rippling skies, and undulating waves. He knew not what it meant, but it poured from his soul and leaked through his fingers onto the canvas. His lip slipped in between his teeth as he worked on the finer details, the shading, the hope that pulsed, rampant, from the art. ****  
** **

Tyler was studying him with timid eyes, occasionally breaking his stare to write something in his book. His ears were probably as rosy as his hair. ****  
** **

“Why’re you staring?” Josh mumbled.  ****  
** **

“Sorry, too weird?” Tyler rolled over on his back on the bed. “It’s just- I don’t know, you’re just _reallyfreakingpretty_ .” He rushed, covering his face. “I just decided on something too.” ****  
** **

“My gorgeousness gave you a moment of clarity?” Josh joked, but Tyler nodded keenly.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, I actually I think so.”  ****  
** **

Josh’s stomach growled and he squirmed in the desk chair to try to silence the rumbling. He glanced at the clock on the wall; it was only 9 o'clock. ****  
** **

He tossed his head back, groaning, lamely rubbing his stomach. Tyler chuckled and looked up again from the notebook he was writing in. ****  
** **

“Hungry?” ****  
** **

“No, it’s fine.” He massaged his gut, leaning back. “I don't want to impose.” ****  
** **

“Josh,” The other boy sat up. “It’s okay to ask for things. Especially food.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, but-” ****  
** **

“Before we went out for Taco Bell, when was the last time you ate?” ****  
** **

“It doesn’t matter-” ****  
** **

_“When?”_ Tyler asked again. ****  
** **

“I don’t know,” Josh checked his phone. “Maybe Thursday.” ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler’s eyes narrowed. “That was two days ago.” ****  
** **

“I didn’t have the money.” ****  
** **

“I would’ve paid for you, J.” ****  
** **

“I’m fine.” ****  
** **

“I didn’t ask.” Tyler clicked his tongue. “I think my mom might be starting breakfast and well… I was getting hungry,” He raised a playful eyebrow. “Do you wanna help me with the massive buffet awaiting us?” ****  
** **

“I don’t really-” ****  
** **

“Yes?” Tyler interrupted. “Okay, I didn’t know you would agree so enthusiastically.” ****  
** **

Josh shook his head, smiling a bit, as Tyler stumbled around the room, changing his flannel pants into skinnies. ****  
** **

“Cheeseball.” Josh muttered, and Tyler stuck his tongue out in response. Josh got up to change as well, the sizzling of cooking downstairs reaching his ears. ****  
** **

They clattered down the stairs, racing, laughing, and almost falling over. They stood, giggling breathily until Tyler’s mother cleared her throat.  ****  
** **

Josh immediately shot back from Tyler, straightening up, and patting down his hair.  ****  
** **

“Good morning, Mrs. Joseph.” His blush seared through his face, so hot, his face could’ve actually been on fire. He rubbed his forehead, discreetly trying to hide his rosy features behind his fingers. ****  
** **

“Good morning, Josh.” She nodded. “I didn’t know we were having guests today.” ****  
** **

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude on-”

“But he can stay, right, mom?” Tyler interrupted, sending his best puppy dog eyes towards his mother. “Please?” ****  
** **

“I didn’t say he couldn’t. With the amount he stays over, he’s practically one of us.” She started to lay out bacon on the frying pan. “Now, go wake up your siblings.” ****  
** **

Tyler groaned, but turned around to trudge up the stairs.  ****  
** **

“Is there anything I can help with?” Josh mumbled, watching his shuffling feet. ****  
** **

“No, honey, just go ahead and sit down. I’m almost done.” The moment Josh slid into the fancy cushioned chair, an enormous platter of food was placed in front of him; Eggs, omelets, ham, fried potatoes, anything that he could ever wish for. A bowl of fruit sat in the center of the display, perfectly sliced. There was an small mug of coffee put beside his and Tyler’s plates. ****  
** **

Eventually, Tyler came tumbling done accompanied by his siblings who were already yelling about something. Mrs. Joseph rolled her eyes and Josh stifled a small laugh.  ****  
** **

They all took their seats and began eating. ****  
** **

Josh took a testing bite of the omelet, the cheese and leafy greens almost caused him to pass out right there.  ****  
** **

“Tyler,” He turned to the boy beside him. “With a chef like your mom, why do you burn pancakes every time?” Tyler huffed and shoved him. “Thank you for the food, Mrs. Joseph.” ****  
** **

“You're welcome whenever, Josh.” She smiled.  ****  
** **

His stomach churned but his shoved the last few pieces of the egg in his mouth. He was hungry, yes, and the food was amazing, but he might've well been slurping prison slop. His gut churned with anxiety, irrational worries, but he quieted his mind, and moved around the plate.  ****  
** **

Josh brought the toasted bread to his mouth. It smelled rich, promising pure heaven when he would sink his teeth into it. Grabbing a knife, he spread slabs amounts of creamy butter over its whole surface.  He finally ripped off a chunk, and stuffed the piece into his mouth. It was nice. ****  
** **

He hadn’t experienced a family breakfast this in- what, years, maybe? He wasn’t exactly sure, as all of his happier memories had been locked up somewhere deep inside him. He used to start every morning with his family, holding hands to say grace, and then diving into some food so good it was to die for. It had been nice, and it filled him with a certain longing fondness of those times where every part of his world had been functional. God, he loved his family, from his siblings he hadn’t seen in years to, yes, even his parents, every cell in body ached for that time when they had just been _normal._ ****  
** **

No drugs, no alcohol, no abusive words, no divorce; just a normal family. ****  
** **

Josh was suddenly aware of an ankle snaking around his, and soft eyes with creased brows meeting his own. The concern was written clearly among them as they peered into his soul, just so innocent and loving.  ****  
** **

Josh nodded almost unnoticeably, a small twitch of his head, to gesture to Tyler that, _‘yes, he was okay.’_ The radiant smile that split the brunette’s face in two made it all worth that lie.  ****  
** **

“I think we should do some family bonding or something.” Mrs. Joseph said, and the whole family groaned collectively.  ****  
** **

“But I have to-” Maddy started.  ****  
** **

“Let’s go to the movies!” Jay chirped, effectively cutting her off.  ****  
** **

The young girl scowled and focused on her plate again, knowing she’d been overruled.  ****  
** **

Josh reached for his mug of coffee, leaning back in his chair, and trying not to let the amusement on his face show.  ****  
** **

“A movie sounds good.” Mrs. Joseph nodded.  ****  
** **

“Can Josh come?” Tyler asked excitedly. ****  
** **

“God, Tyler, can you go anywhere without your other half?” Zack rolled his eyes. “You two are practically conjoined.” He glanced at Josh with a knowing and cocky look, one that made the older boy shift in his seat, uncomfortable.  ****  
** **

“Oh yeah?” Tyler challenged. “At least my conjoined half is actually fucking cute, you and-” ****  
** **

“Language, Tyler.” Mrs. Joseph commanded, causing Tyler to retreat into his seat and mutter a small apology. Josh snickered and the other sent him a betrayed look.  ****  
** **

“So are we going to the movies or not?” Maddy asked, with an ounce of sass and earned her a death glare from her mother.  ****  
** **

“I think so. Any movie ideas, guys?” ****  
** **

“Is there anything coming out today?” Zack asked, glancing back down at his almost finished food.  ****  
** **

“Me.” Tyler said. ****  
** **

It took a really long fucking second for what had just come out of Tyler’s mouth to register in Josh’s brain. The moment it did, the scalding coffee in his mouth shot up his throat and sprayed out of his nostrils, dripping onto his lips. He hastily excused himself from the table into the kitchen, coughing and nose burning. He searched dumbly with watery eyes for paper napkins to clean himself up with. Hurried footsteps clambered behind him.  ****  
** **

“Here.” Tyler wiped at his face with the tissue, his touches light and careful. “Sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to spook you.” ****  
** **

He facepalmed and sighed sadly. ****  
** **

“Sorry, not, ‘baby’, I meant ‘dude’ or something. Force of habit.” He whispered, rubbing at his face for a bit longer than needed or considered platonic.  ****  
** **

Josh was still physically unable to speak so he stood there, leaning on the counter, until someone spoke up from behind them.  ****  
** **

“You’re gay?” Jay asked. ****  
** **

“Yes- no, well I don’t know.” Tyler turned to face them, his voice controlled, but Josh could see the quivers in his fingertips. “I just, y’know found my soulmate, the most wonderful person on the planet, but they just happen to have a dick.” He took a deep breath, continuing more quietly. “Is there anything bad about that?” ****  
** **

The room was dead silent.  ****  
** **

Until, of course, Jay stood from his chair cheering and yelling, “Maddy owes me 15 bucks!” ****  
** **

The girl snarled, responding, “You were right this one time. Don’t let it go to your head.” ****  
** **

“You guys bet on this?” Mrs. Joseph asked, obviously taken aback.  ****  
** **

“Yeah,” Jay nodded, a toothy grin still on his face. “He’s always making goo-goo eyes at Josh, and Maddy didn’t believe me.” ****  
** **

Zack said nothing, but offered a small prideful smile to Tyler, who cautiously relaxed.  ****  
** **

“How about we go watch Inside Man?” Maddy posed, still pouting.  ****  
** **

“Which one is that?” Zack pushed his plate away.  ****  
** **

“The one with Denzel Washington. Action.” ****  
** **

“I like Denzel,” Mrs. Joseph agreed. “Are there any other suggestions?” ****  
** **

“You guys are just okay with my…” Tyler paused, searching for the word. “Gayness?” He settled on, and Josh had to suppress a laugh.  ****  
** **

“Of course, honey.” Mrs. Joseph chuckled. “We are okay with your ‘gayness.’ I’ve loved you since you were born and who you choose to spend your life with won’t change that. You’re a big boy, you can make your own decisions now.” ****  
** **

Tyler’s mouth opened and closed, eyes filling with new tears as he struggled to find the words.  ****  
** **

“I love you, Tyler, no matter what.” ****  
** **

“Thanks, mom.” He smiled, small, but so appreciative it almost blinded Josh, who still stood awkwardly aside this family moment. ****  
** **

Tyler stood rigid but refreshed, obviously immensely at ease with himself. His whole demeanor had changed, softening and becoming more laidback as tears streamed down his face. Josh wiped at his own eyes too, linking their pinkies under the kitchen counter. Maybe this was a new start for their paused relationship, and a new courage stirred in Josh as he watched his boy-friend face his biggest fear. ****  
** **

Maybe there was still hope.  ****  
** **

“The no sex in the car rule still applies, though.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil bit of a happier ending because I felt bad over the last one. 
> 
> one more thing: there will be a few happy moments before things get really, really, bad.
> 
> okay?


	21. Be Strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I forgot to mention that this story takes place in 2005-2006. oops. Also, there is some heavier (but not too heavy) emotional stuff in this chapter so be careful.
> 
> okay, enjoy.

The early April air was thick with wads of dusty pollen which settled on the sidewalk, and painted them a light coat of green. The lazy winds pushed them high into the sky, causing them to billow up and cascade down, forming more intricate patterns on the ground. The darkness was thick but the stars were beginning to dwindle in the face of the morning dawn. ****  
** **

The pollen and high humidity made it hard to inhale, and Josh's lungs, already weakened, were straining with the effort. ****  
** **

He put one unsteady foot in front of the other, his hands stuffed in his pockets to buffer some of the cold. He set a good pace in his bones, ignoring the struggle of his chest to provide oxygen to his wobbling muscles. To him, it didn't matter what condition his body was in, because soon he'd be so high he wouldn't be able to tell left from right. ****  
** **

It'd been two weeks since he'd found out about the cancer, a week since he'd told Tyler. The past week had been filled with soft pajamas and late night cuddling and more fake smiles than he could count. It had left him so emotionally exhausted, and just incredibly tired. That was why he left before the other boy had a chance to stop him, while he was still sleeping.  ****  
** **

He somehow regretted telling the other boy.  ****  
** **

Now instead of shy smiles and hand holding, it was painful grimaces and pity-filled glances over the decaying state of his body. All that was left was a shared sadness over the remaining three months they had together. He'd broken Tyler's heart over this, and he knew. Literally the day after he told him of the tumor, the other boy had decided to come out to his family, something he'd been putting off for  _ eight months _ . Just when Tyler had found out about the time constraint on their relationship, he’d done something extremely drastic. Josh didn't want to put pressure on him like that. Tyler shouldn't have to worry about Josh's opinion just because his life was ending, he should be moving on with his life instead, finding a pretty girl or guy to spend his life with.  ****  
** **

He shouldn't be obsessing over how to make Josh happy. ****  
** **

Josh smacked his forehead several times, cursing himself for thinking so much. The spot stung badly and was sure to leave a red spot but he enjoyed the pain, so he didn't mind much. ****  
** **

He knocked on the door three times in a row, softly, but just enough to be heard by attentive ears. Luckily, he heard shuffling on the other side of the door.  ****  
** **

The door swung open and a very disheveled Debby, with messy hair and a swollen face.  ****  
** **

“Dun, what in the hell are you doing here?”

“Um,” He coughed nervously. “Sorry, did I wake you? I didn't mean to.” ****  
** **

“No,” She sighed, features softening. “Come in, it's as cold as Blixen's ass out here.” ****  
** **

Josh crossed the barrier of the doorway, and sheepishly removed his shoes, before entering the house. He took a seat on the couch, laying his head across the armrest. Debby stood rigid as she watched him, uncertainty written all over her features. ****  
** **

“Is something wrong?” He furrowed his eyebrows.  ****  
** **

“Uh,” She seemed jolted, as if she was too deep in thought. “No, it's just y'know… long time, no see.” ****  
** **

“It's only been a week.” ****  
** **

“How have you been managing? Since you didn't come over and stuff.” ****  
** **

“It's been okay.” He smiled. The movement felt so unnatural to him, he hoped Debby didn't notice its falseness. ****  
** **

“Okay.” She nodded, grimacing. She reached up to scratch her head. “So did you come to hang out or something?” ****  
** **

“No, Debby.” He couldn't remember a time when things had been this awkward between them. “As usual, I came here to get high.” ****  
** **

“Why? I thought you said everything's been okay.” ****  
** **

“Doesn't mean can't come here for the shit. Is there an issue?” ****  
** **

“No, no.” She walked over the kitchen, sifting through her supply.  ****  
** **

Josh settled back into the chair.  _ What was that about?  _ ****  
** **

Debby walked back, face red from- _ embarrassment? What the heck?  _ She held out a single blunt to him and he sent he made sure to convey his confusion through his tone and cocked eyebrow. ****  
** **

“What the hell, Debby?” He gestured to the blunt. “When was the last time I was fine with just one of these? Where's the acid or the coke?” ****  
** **

“I don't know, Josh,” She gulped. “I think you should take it easy with the shit you take.” ****  
** **

“ _ ‘Take it easy’?”  _ He repeated, shocked. “What?” ****  
** **

“Your life is just starting, dude, and the way it's going, you won't even live to see twenty. You're too reckless with yourself.” ****  
** **

Josh was stunned beyond words, mouth flailing open and closed. ****  
** **

“I know I haven't the best in supporting you, after all, I am the one giving you the fix.” She continued, chin quivering a bit. “But you need to stop. You have deep, deep problems with trauma and depression but pumping drugs into your system isn't gonna fix that. I won't give you anything more than a blunt full of a weak strain until you're sorted out enough to refuse heavy shit.” ****  
** **

That shock, caught in his throat, gradually morphed into fiery anger. Hot, boiling emotion that erupted out of body like a shaken soda can. ****  
** **

“What the fuck?” He shot up to his feet. “Who are you to tell me what to do with my life?”

“I'm your friend, Josh. I want the best for you.” She kept her eyes on the ground. ****  
** **

“Bullshit!” He screamed, watching the spit fly from his own mouth. “You don't give a shit about me!” ****  
** **

“I do.” ****  
** **

“You fucking don't!” ****  
** **

“I care more about you than anything. We've been through so much shit together.” ****  
** **

You don't want me to be happy?” He tried, almost pleading.  ****  
** **

“That's all I want for you, Josh.” She finally looked him in the eye, her own glistening with tears. “But  _ this _ \- getting so high you can't think- isn't happiness.” ****  
** **

“I'll pay you more, Debby. How about… a hundred or one-fifty?” ****  
** **

“No.” She stood tall, unwavering. “I won't take your money.” ****  
** **

“Please, Debby.” He was about ready to fall on his knees. “I'll do anything. Name it.” ****  
** **

“Deal with your issues the right way. Then we'll talk.” ****  
** **

“Fuck you.” He growled, angrily stuffing his feet in his shoes.  ****  
** **

He slammed the door shut, pretending he didn't hear the pained sob behind him. 

****

***

****

Tyler woke with a start, his eyes meeting the empty space on his bed beside him. He sighed into the darkness, and let his eyes fall shut as his mind began to reel.  ****  
** **

The sharp ache of familiarity struck him when he realized Josh wasn’t there. The hurt just sat in his chest every time the boy appeared with the thick scent of smoke on him, or white powder along his nostrils. All he could do was watch the boy go out and hurt himself, as he absolutely was in no position to control him.  ****  
** **

The boy had lived his whole life being controlled by his father, who drove him to perform horrible, horrible acts. Tyler didn’t want to be another anchor, another hand to force him around. Josh was almost eighteen, he deserved freedom from that kind of oppression. He opened his eyes and he stilled himself, taking a deep break. His ribs creaked as he felt his lungs expand with the rush of air. The room was covered in a monochromatic layer, seemingly plastered on his eyelids.  ****  
** **

He was slipping.  ****  
** **

Tears didn’t dare escape his eyes, and formed a thin, blurry, layer over them as his body set aflame. His nerves across his whole anatomy singed and ignited, and he let out a small sound of pain. There was a sharp unfillable hole in his chest, resigning him and his mind to death. The emptiness, the drowning, had crashed back into his life, leaving his skin begging.  ****  
** **

His free fingers searched the skin of his wrist, and he almost broke down as he didn’t meet the comforting metal. Images of his previous breakdowns and his fall-outs flashed back into his mind’s eye and he bit his lip, gazing around the room for the necklace. He sighed when it didn’t appear, and the only item resembling it was Josh’s, tangled and sitting on the floor of his room.  ****  
** **

He blew air through his cheeks, shutting his eyes again. The urges were dancing across his thighs, almost taunting him. ****  
** **

He traced his fingertips lightly across their ridges, indulging himself in the horrible memories, a small smile flitting on his face.  ****  
** **

He shouldn’t touch. ****  
** **

The skin was hard and uneven, in perfect parallel lines decorating his thighs and stomach. He busted his ass to hide them, to make sure no one would see his hideousness, but there was a strange affection he held for the scars. He fucking deserved these scars, the anger and desperation he took out on himself.  ****  
** **

He shouldn’t touch. ****  
** **

He missed the feeling. The tingling, stinging, burning. The feeling of relief and bliss. Yes, it hurt his body, but it soothed the pain and and unfurled the deadness in his chest. It was his lifejacket. Maybe if he hadn’t avoided his blade, he might not feel this way. He might’ve been at peace. ****  
** **

He found himself under the bright and sterile light of the bathroom. It lacked a trace of warmth, and flicked on and off as he met himself in the mirror. Imperfections on his skin shone like a beacon, and he barely resisted the compulsion to gag. Tyler just stood there, sunken eyes staring him down.  ****  
** **

Josh was dying.  ****  
** **

There was simply no air in his lungs because the love of his life was going to be dead in less than three months. Josh was his soulmate; his one and only. Shameful, indeed it was, that it took him months upon months of denial to realize his deeper feelings. And though he may know of his love now, Josh was still terminal. He could wish and pray to the best of his ability, but with no avail to be had. Three months was all he had to enjoy with this boy: child of divorce, drug addict, abuse  _ survivor.  _ Three months, and then what? ****  
** **

How was he to live without his other half?  ****  
** **

Never had the future been more uncertain than now, for all of the hopes he had for the two of them for the upcoming months, years, were squashed by a few little rebellious cells. He could take the still unanswered scholarship, go to college, graduate… ****  
** **

And then what? Continue living his life as less than a shell of a person, mourning the loss of his teenage boyfriend? ****  
** **

Absolutely not. ****  
** **

But what could he do? ****  
** **

It wasn’t like he could force Josh to stop smoking or using. He couldn’t chase the cancer from the boy’s very cells. He couldn’t extend the time he had with the other. All he could do was watch the boy die, his life simultaneously falling apart. Tyler wouldn’t be able to live with himself if all he did was sit on the sidelines while Josh fought for his life.  ****  
** **

That was the dangerous thing about falling in love. He could put all his hopes, trust, aspirations into this boy with no guarantee that love would be returned, or that it would be lifelong.  ****  
** **

The thing was, well, he didn’t want a life without Josh in it.  ****  
** **

He fell forward, attempting to catch himself on the porcelain sink, but with no grip, he thudded onto the floor. Then his mind went fuzzy, numb, thoughts jumbled together in a mess of incoherency. Before he knew it, he was curled up on the floor, chest heavily distantly. ****  
** **

Uncut fingernails raked up his thighs, leaving smeared, bloody trails as his mind bounced around his skull. He dug his nails into the flesh, mind quieting momently, and he took a slow breath, his lungs cooperating for once.  ****  
** **

He stifled a scream.  ****  
** **

He clawed at his skin, seeking refuge in the haphazard lines of blood, as if they would shut up his mind.  ****  
** **

The door burst open, curse words filling the air as hands pulled his arms apart. His body, still too swarmed with adrenaline, gave up easily and allowed his body to be handled. He gave the person a woozy smile as he felt his pants being shifted down.  ****  
** **

“Zack,” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” ****  
** **

“Tyler?” His brother tapped his cheek, almost as if he was trying to shake Tyler back into full consciousness. “Did you take anything? Tyler, oh my God, Tyler-” ****  
** **

“I’m fine-” ****  
** **

“Obviously, you’re not.” Zack snapped, patting the wounds with a wet towel. “How- What happened?” ****  
** **

“I don’t know- I just,” He sighed, giving up.  ****  
** **

“I heard a thud and I thought you fell and then, I walk in on… this. Are you getting bad again, Tyler?” ****  
** **

“I don’t know!” He exclaimed, wincing as some of the antiseptic entered his scratches. ****  
** **

“Tyler,” Zack’s voice shook a bit. “I can’t-  _ We  _ can’t do this again.” ****  
** **

“I know,” Tyler looked down. “You won’t have to clean up after me again.” ****  
** **

“I can’t be so sure about that.” Zack mumbled.  ****  
** **

His leg was bandaged in silence.   ****  
** **

 

***

****

Tyler sat at the kitchen island, nursing a small cup of warm coffee, wrapping his fingers around the mug. He blew cool air into the drink, the surface rippling, and steam rose from it and brushed his face.  ****  
** **

His leg ached. He hoped it wouldn’t scar.  ****  
** **

Zack had gone back to bed at Tyler’s many requests, as it was way too early for deep discussions. He knew there would probably be some kind of family talk about this. It was too reminiscent of his past impulses; too close to his past mistakes.  ****  
** **

It was just one slip up. ****  
** **

His phone went off in his lap, interrupting his muse, and scrolled delightedly unto Brendon’s contact, reading the message in the dark.  ****  
** **

_ Beebo: hey u up _ ****  
** **

_ Beebo:  if you’re still looking for the ‘surprise’ i called in a couple favors  _ ****  
** **

_ Tyjo: really? can they deliver it to the studio _ ****  
** **

_ Beebo: yeah turns out they can _ ****  
** **

_ Tyjo: i hope this isn't some april fools joke _ ****  
** **

_ Beebo: its not i'm not that much of an ass _ ****  
** **

_ Tyjo: sweet _ ****  
** **

_ Tyjo: how can i pay you back? cash, paypal, etc _ ****  
** **

_ Beebo: no need dude _ ****  
** **

_ Beebo: just tell me if josh likes it _ ****  
** **

_ Tyjo: i will _ ****  
** **

_ Tyjo: are you sure you don't want me to pay you back? _ ****  
** **

_ Beebo: positive it’s np _ ****  
** **

Tyler smiled quietly to himself, taking a sip of his drink. He placed his phone face down and sighed, feeling a hundred years old.  ****  
** **

“Tyler? What are you doing up so early?” ****  
** **

He turned around to face his mother, decked in a soft bathrobe and her hair in a messy bun. She was holding a magazine with a surprised expression on her face, as if she was seeing him for the first time.  ****  
** **

“Hey, mom.” He replied quietly. “How was your night?” ****  
** **

“I slept fine.” She answered, settling down in a chair beside him. “Your father worked an early shift today, as usual, so I figured I’d come down here and relax.”

“Oh, okay.” ****  
** **

“Why are you down here so early?” ****  
** **

“Mom, I need to tell you something.” He whispered, and her expression returned to one of shock.  ****  
** **

“What is it, sweetie? Is it about your sexuality again?” ****  
** **

“No.” He took a sip of coffee. “It’s about Josh.” ****  
** **

She said nothing, and he took a breath and continued.  ****  
** **

“His dad was abusive.” She gasped slightly, but Tyler continued. “His father used to hit him and rape him… yeah, the whole nine yards.” He bit his lip, and felt a hand stroke up his thigh gently. “I didn’t know at first, but when I found out, I knew I couldn’t let him live there anymore.” His voice broke. “He’s been sleeping here almost every day for about the past three weeks. I’ve been sneaking him food and that kind of stuff. I-I’m sorry for lying to you.” ****  
** **

A soft kiss touched his forehead and his eyes slid shut.  ****  
** **

“Tyler, I should be scared how much you underestimate me.” She chuckled. “I think it’s sweet how much you care about him, even though he shouldn’t have had to live through that anyway. I am a little upset this has been happening under my nose for so long, but I’m okay with him living here for…” ****  
** **

“Three months.” Tyler filled in.  ****  
** **

“Three months. I’m okay with it. Your father is a different story, but I’ll deal with him.”

“Thanks, mom.” ****  
** **

“You still haven’t come out to him, right?” ****  
** **

“Yeah, I don’t know how I’m going to do it.” ****  
** **

“Take your time, but don’t wait too long.” She winked, and Tyler laughed a bit.  ****  
** **

“There’s one more thing, mom.” ****  
** **

“Yes?” ****  
** **

“I don’t want to go to college.” ****  
** **

“Oh.” She sat up in her seat, tensing and looking down, and Tyler just wanted to eat his words out of the air. “You don’t?” ****  
** **

“No, I don’t.” He confirmed, gulping.  ****  
** **

“What are you going to do instead?” ****  
** **

“Music.” ****  
** **

The room went quiet again and Tyler winced when she sighed. ****  
** **

“Okay.” ****  
** **

His eyes bugged out of his head and he nearly spat out his drink. ****  
** **

“Really?” Incredulousness easily overtook his tone. ****  
** **

“Look, Tyler.” She took his hand. “I’m not going to lie to you, I think this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that you’re passing up here. It’s going to take me a while to get used to the idea that you won’t have a degree. We’ll definitely have to talk about it more in depth later.” She squeezed his fingers. “And even though it will take me a minute, you’re a big boy now, and I’ll be damned if I or anyone else stands in the way of your dreams. You’ll have to play me a few songs first, but I know that you’re extremely talented. If anyone can make this work, it’s you.” ****  
** **

“Thanks, mom.” ****  
** **

“All that matters to me is that you’re happy.” She smiled.  ****  
** **

“What about dad?” ****  
** **

“You have to tell him yourself. He might not take it all that great but, you have to.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” ****  
** **

She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close, gently rubbing his arm.  ****  
** **

"You're the only person I know that gives unconditional hugs." Tyler snuggled in. ****  
** **

“Where else would I rather be?" She snickered.  ****  
** **

God, he loved his mom.

****

***

****

Josh tripped into the room, cursing himself for being so loud.  ****  
** **

It was still early, the sun barely rising over the horizon. The sky was beginning to lighten and mix into shades of blue, and beads of dew were forming on the window.  ****  
** **

It was a stray shoelace that interrupted his usually smooth entry into the room, causing him to stumble in and set his weight too heavily down on one leg. It made no more sound than a small thud, but his blood froze, his mind automatically preparing for the sound of drunken screaming. It did not come, but his body remained completely tense, gripping the grocery bag in his sweaty hand.  ****  
** **

“Hello?” A raspy voice greeted him.  ****  
** **

“Did I wake you?” Josh padded over to the bed where Tyler was lying.  ****  
** **

“No, I’ve been up for a while.” So Tyler knew he had been out.  ****  
** **

Josh set his snapback on the desk and blew air out of his cheeks. Tyler glanced at him, pointing at the white plastic bag in his hand.  ****  
** **

“What’s that?” ****  
** **

“Hair dye.” ****  
** **

“Oh yeah?” He sat up, excitedly. “What color is it this time?” ****  
** **

“I was thinking about going back to brown.” ****  
** **

“What?” The confusion was evident in his voice. “But you love dyeing your hair.” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He responded simply. He went about tearing open the box, careful not to let the strips fly anywhere.  ****  
** **

He sniffled, nose runny. ****  
** **

“Can I help?” ****  
** **

The innocent question caught Josh off guard as he was reading the back of the box. He whirled around to see Tyler with a poised, serious look, meeting his eyes without wavering.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, sure.” His mouth was dry.  ****  
** **

“Okay.” He nodded. “Let me change into something else.” ****  
** **

Josh was in the middle of mixing the dye into a comb when Tyler walked in, wearing a black t-shirt and matching sweats. ****  
** **

Josh gaped openly as he observed his sharp jaw, chin, and cheekbones, accentuated by the light. His dark brows were actually graceful, but currently furrowed in a deep concentration. His muscled arms were bare. Josh couldn’t see his chest. Part of him wished he could. Another part told him to get ahold of himself. He let out a shaky sigh. ****  
** **

Josh bent over with his chest to the sink, placing the bowl of dye aside and began explaining the process to Tyler. ****  
** **

“So like, the dye is already in the comb so all we have to do is start from the ends.” He kept his eyes on the patterns on the counter. “When you’re about a third up, switch to the roots and work up until the colors meet. It should be easy because right now it’s red, and red and brown are not close in color-” ****  
** **

“Josh, chill.” He interrupted, slipping on a latex glove. “I got this.” ****  
** **

“If you say so.” Josh huffed, settling down. ****  
** **

Tyler set his phone down on the counter. ****  
** **

“You don’t mind if I play some music, right?” ****  
** **

“Nope.” Josh popped the ‘p’.  ****  
** **

Tyler hummed in affirmation and picked up the comb. Seconds later, the device resting on the countertop began to make noise.  ****  
** **

“Really?” Josh’s nose crinkled at the song choice. “Sexyback?” ****  
** **

“Hey,” Tyler shrugged. “You could do a lot worse than JT.” ****  
** **

Josh snickered when he heard Tyler began to whisper along with the lyrics. ****  
** **

“I was thinking we could do something fun today.” Tyler said when the chorus faded.  ****  
** **

“What did you have in mind?”  ****  
** **

“Well, if I told you, it wouldn’t be fun, would it?” ****  
** **

“I have a doctor’s appointment at noon, so sorry if that interrupts your plans.” ****  
** **

“Oh,” Tyler slopped a whole wad of dye on Josh’s head. “We could go after, it’s no big deal. I could pick you up and then we just hang out and stuff.” ****  
** **

“I thought- maybe you could come with me?” Josh heard his voice squeak up, and he internally cringed a few times. “Of course, if you don’t want to you don’t have to. It’s probably only gonna be really depressing and grim, and if you don’t want to see that I totally get it. I thought maybe you wanna tag along for some emotional support? It’s one hundred percent up to you, y’know. So yeah.” He ended his ramble with a short intake of breath.  ****  
** **

“You talk too much, you know that?” Tyler huffed. Josh nudged his hips back, pushing Tyler off his balance just a bit. “Seriously, though, I’d love to be your ‘emotional support.’ It’d be nice for us to switch roles for once, don’t you think?” He began combing from the roots, even though the ends weren’t finished.  ****  
** **

“I swear to god, Joseph, if you fuck up my hair-” ****  
** **

“What are you gonna do about it, hot shot?” Tyler challenged, piling more hair dye onto his head.  ****  
** **

“This.” Josh tilted his head back just a smidge, getting a free strand of sopping hair to grace Tyler’s forearm. A small streak of brown dye on his arm was the only evidence.  ****  
** **

“You didn’t.” Tyler said, wide-eyed. ****  
** **

“I did.” ****  
** **

“You fucker! It looks like I have a shit stain on my arm, I swear!” Tyler yelled, but Josh was laughing so hard, his chest hurt.  He smiled slyly.“You’re gonna fucking pay for this.” ****  
** **

Josh barely dodged Tyler’s dye-coated hand flying towards his face, jerking his body back. The sudden motion caused flecks of clumped dye to fly onto Tyler’s clothes.  ****  
** **

Tyler scoffed, slapping a whole mass of the dye of on Josh’s shoulder.  ****  
** **

Josh, in one swift movement, grouped Tyler’s wrists together, and pinned them above his head, pushing him until his back met the wall. The brunette’s lips were parted, taking in soft rushes of air. Josh’s heart tripped over itself, his face flushing as his gaze averted, but his body remained holding Tyler’s.  ****  
** **

One of Tyler’s hands freed itself from his lax grip, sneaking under Josh’s chin and forcing their eyes to meet. They appeared brown from afar, but at this close distance, their chests almost touching, Josh noticed the color of honey. They were bright and liquid warm, sprinkled with light brown specks, framed by beautiful thick lashes. They were russet and deep, holding soft affection as the peered into his soul.  ****  
** **

The younger’s hand alighted on his face, moving down and grazing his exposed collar bone. His brain was already on fire. Tyler was an angel. Tyler was his angel, with fingers of fire and a heart of warmth. ****  
** **

His eyes made no attempt to hide the affection pouring out of them, the love simply erupting from his heart and spilling onto Josh’s. The small room felt warm. Josh held his breath, trying to hold back, to make the moment last. The torture it was, so caught between the intoxication of the love and extending the moment he never wanted to end. ****  
** **

“I'm gonna keep these shit-stain-looking clothes forever.” Tyler ruined the moment with. ****  
** **

“Mine are nasty too, thanks a lot. And you didn’t even finish with dyeing my hair.” ****  
** **

“Mine totally look worse, asshole.” ****  
** **

“Asshole? You love me.” ****  
** **

“I do.”

****

***

****

Tyler sat, restless, in the waiting room of the hospital.  ****  
** **

A tiny black coffee table holding health magazines sat across from him. Underneath its legs was a polished tile that covered the whole room. An old television showing boring commercials stood on a pedestal screwed into the ceiling. Tyler, feeling too anxious to read or watch TV, bounced his foot impatiently and kept his eyes on his hands.  ****  
** **

He heard a soft sniffle next to him, and turned to see the now brown haired boy with his eyes squeezed shut. He was nibbling roughly on his chapped lips, mumbling soft reassurances to himself in hushed whispers.  ****  
** **

His chest physically hurt from the pieces of his shattered heart piercing his lungs. ****  
** **

Tyler cautiously laid his hand atop Josh’s white-knuckled one, linking their pinkies. The other’s eyes flew open, meeting Tyler’s, and a small smile crossed his lips.  ****  
** **

A nurse approached them, clearing her throat.  ****  
** **

“Excuse me, sirs,” She glanced down as her clipboard. Blue like her scrubs. “Is one of you Joshua Dun?” ****  
** **

“Me.” Josh raised his hand slightly.  ****  
** **

“Follow me, Mr. Dun.” She turned to leave, but Josh stopped her.  ****  
** **

“Actually,” He pointed to Tyler. “Can he come?” ****  
** **

“Is he a member of your family?” ****  
** **

“No,” Josh took a breath. “He’s my significant other.” ****  
** **

Tyler smiled.  ****  
** **

“Of course,” She nodded. “Would you like him to be added to your emergency contact list?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He breathed out. ****  
** **

“Great, I'll be sure to make that change.” She scribbled a small notation on her paper. “Now, you gentlemen can follow me.” ****  
** **

The hospital’s one long, main hallway was stuffy and had a small undertone of bleach. The sterility was pungent. The walls themselves were themselves but were scuffed in places where hospital beds and wheelchairs probably ran into them. The pictures on the walls were of uplifting scenes and and beautiful landscapes, sitting beside navy doors with large plastic signs and translucent windows. ****  
** **

They finally reached the door, clean and rough like all the others, but Tyler could already see figures moving around inside. ****  
** **

"Well, here we are." The nurse smiled kindly and inserted the key in the lock, opening the door. A doctor and a nurse stood beside the bed, whispering in quiet voices. Both of their foreheads were coated in a thin layer of sweat, and they straightened themselves and faced the door. Doctor Lewis smiled charmingly, greeting the two of them. ****  
** **

“Josh, Tyler,” He addressed them both. “It’s nice to see you two, but sadly, we have to come together under these circumstances.” ****  
** **

“It’s nice to see you too, Dr. Lewis.” He spoke up when Josh only stared at his shoes.  ****  
** **

“Please,” He waved his hand in the air. “Just call me Lewis.” ****  
** **

The nurse that brought them there and the one that was in the room left, leaving only the two boys and the doctor in the room. Tyler took a seat in the chair and Josh parked it on the bed. ****  
** **

Doctor Lewis began listening to Josh’s heart through a stethoscope, Josh looking at his feet while he took deep breaths as instructed.   ****  
** **

Tyler stared dejectedly up at the ceiling, exhaling. ****  
** **

Josh’s chiseled chest was covered with pale skin, ghosts of bruises and burnt skin dulling its natural glow. His abs were sculptured to perfection with hushed remnants of his six pack, but their definition had vanished, making him look sickly.  ****  
** **

“Okay,” Dr. Lewis wrote a few things down. “You two can follow me. We have a few things to discuss.” ****  
** **

The two of them followed the doctor for only about two turns, before they entered another room. ****  
** **

The atmosphere of the office wing of the hospital was completely different. The air was perfumed and the seats, which lacked even a speck of lint, were plush. Every surface was dustless. The nurses outside were relaxed and moved with a measured control as they attended their rounds. There were vases of flowers upon the doctor’s desk and more beautiful framed art on the walls. In the corner, there was a water dispenser and the rustle of the AC was barely audible. ****  
** **

“Welcome to my office.” Dr. Lewis said when they all took their seats, typing away on his computer. “As I said before, Josh and I must talk about a few things, and they carry some gravity to them.” He turned to face Josh who did not meet his eyes. “It’s completely up to you, but would you like to discuss this with Tyler here?” ****  
** **

“Yes.” Josh mumbled.  ****  
** **

“Okay.” Dr. Lewis said simply. He turned the computer screen to face them. “Are you sure you want to hear this now?” ****  
** **

“Yes.” Josh began chewing on his cheek. ****  
** **

“Alright,” The man took a breath. “These here-” He pointed to screen with his finger. “-are your lungs. I originally provided an x-ray to check the extent of the rib injuries you sustained a couple weeks ago. Luckily, those did not require treatment other than rest but they uncovered the tumor here." ****  
** **

Tyler’s hand began to shake in a way he couldn’t control. He snuck his hands into his jean pockets and tried to look casual. ****  
** **

“This-” He gestured to the white wisps amid the black lumps that resembled lungs. “-is the cancer; the tumor. As you can see, it takes up most of the left lung but has not yet infiltrated the right one. This does not mean that your right lung is in extraordinary condition though. In fact, it only is a matter of time before the cancer spreads there too.” ****  
** **

Josh was nodding along with glossy eyes. ****  
** **

“Would you like me to stop, son?” The doctor asked softly. ****  
** **

“No,” Josh croaked out. “I’m fine.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” Dr. Lewis said, probably not believing a word. “We caught this cancer late. Very, very late. It pains me that we discovered this malignant tumor at the point where the cancer had been at the fourth stage for a while.” The man sighed. “The cancer, being at stage four, is referred to as non-small cell. This, in short, means that the cancer has spread to other parts or organs in the body and is no longer contained in the lung. In most cases of NSCLC, the cancer spreads to the other lung, but in this case it ha flaked off in chunks to your liver.” ****  
** **

There was a sharp intake of air from Josh. Tyler would have attempted to take his hand if they weren’t wrung so tightly in his lap.   ****  
** **

“This is both good news, and bad news.” The doctor began gesturing with his finger again. “It’s good, well, because it means you have one lung that is completely cancer free. It’s also bad because the cancer has spread to your liver.” He turned to face Tyler. “This was mostly a recap for Josh, as he has been here before, but now, my team and I have devised a possible treatment plan.” ****  
** **

Tyler nodded, giving the doctor the ‘okay’ to continue.  ****  
** **

“This is a very aggressive form of cancer, and we do need to take action before it’s too late. Our plan is more or less to use a mix of chemotherapy and radiation, with a emphasis on the former. We are going to follow standard procedure and use two types of chemotherapy pills on your infected lung, and we have chosen gemcitabine with vinorelbine everyday for the next three weeks. For your liver, we will use Intensity modulated radiation therapy, which is very expensive.” He took a small breath. “Of course, with these kinds of strong treatments, you can expect side effects such as hair loss, loss of appetite, nausea and vomiting, fatigue-” He cut himself off after looking at their faces, a sorrow filling his eyes.  “We must act soon, Joshua, or else the cancer will spread and worsen.” ****  
** **

Josh nodded blankly, blinking rapidly.  ****  
** **

“Listen,” Dr. Lewis removed his glass, his wrinkles and tiredness now in full view. “I have two boys, just about your age, and the resemblance they have to you two is almost uncanny. Josh, I have been your primary physician since you were a little kid, of course with the exception of the time you were in Chicago. You’re like a son to me.” He rubbed his eye. “It hurts to see you struggle like this. I know you haven’t lived an easy life. I’m willing to pull a few strings for you two. You’re not eighteen yet, but due to your parent’s lack of presence, you will get to decide your own treatment. Is that okay?” ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah.” Josh whispered.  ****  
** **

“We gave you until about mid-June if you didn’t receive treatment or if it doesn’t work. We’ve calculated further, and we came up just around eighty days for a maximum. If you receive successful treatment, you may be able to extend your life. The problem is-” He spoke softly now. “Son, I understand you don’t have insurance?” ****  
** **

Josh tensed beside him. Tyler whirled around to face him, but he buried his face in his hands. ****  
** **

“I don’t.”  ****  
** **

“Okay, that’s no problem. But that means you will have to provide your own funds-” ****  
** **

“What, no, it didn't, that's... not..." He was breathing all wrong, beginning to gasp like there was no oxygen. Josh rushed out of the room, still covering his eyes.  ****  
** **

The doctor looked taken aback, mouth ajar and silent. Tyler pointed to the door and sent a desperate look to the doctor, who nodded hesitantly in understanding.  ****  
** **

Tyler sprinted out of the door. ****  
** **

He reached an intersection, and paused for a moment, but luckily he saw a quick tuft of brown hair turn into a room.  ****  
** **

He entered the bathroom carefully, shutting the door behind him. The other boy stood, eyes locked with himself in the mirror. The fear and anguish was palpable in the air as the boy stood rigid, silent tears wetting his cheeks.  ****  
** **

"I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to-” He interrupted himself with his own gasp for air. His hands clenched the sink tightly.  ****  
** **

Tyler tried to focus on his own breathing, but anxiety bubbled in his gut. He felt nauseous down to his bones.  ****  
** **

_ Be strong,  _ he told himself.  _ For Josh. _ ****  
** **

But his chest was hollow, and then his head and his mind were filled with bees.  ****  
** **

Buzzing. Buzzing. Buzzing. ****  
** **

_ Be strong.  _ ****  
** **

His face was numb and he was crying, but why? What was  _ he _ anxious about? 

He could see the other’s eyes glazing over, darkening. Surrender festered in them, a desperation so poignant Tyler could almost see it. Josh collapsed into a heap into the floor.  ****  
** **

"Help me. Help me. Help me." Josh breathed into palms.  ****  
** **

His eyes were wild and when Tyler approached him, he started rocking, rocking, rocking. Then he was talking. Talking, rushed and frantic-like. The words were crowded together and some got deleted or jumbled. All his fears were tumbling out unchecked by his brain, he was in some kind of mental free-fall, and then he was whispering “I’m gonna die, oh god,” into his skin. The words were pelting Tyler’s heart, leaving him too weak to even stand. ****  
** **

Now he was right in front of Tyler, his fingers were white-knuckled, holding onto his sweater and he was asking him, begging him to say if it will be okay. Tyler heaved, quieting his own tears, whispering assurances. He told him over and over, stroking his back and planting kisses on his face. He needed him to calm down. ****  
** **

“Everything will be okay.” He said, over and over, into Josh’s ear. ****  
** **

It was so quiet, like just a secret for the two of them.  ****  
** **

“Everything will be okay.” ****  
** **

He hoped.

****

***

****

Small droplets hit the rolled up car windows as the car drove through puddles in street. The skies were covered with a field of bland grey, the clouds and sky nearly identical. The rain normally calmed him, brought him back down to earth, but not today. His insides were turning and flipping as he watched the raindrops race down the windshield.  ****  
** **

The two pressed onwards.  ****  
** **

The radio pumped out an inaudible beat, or perhaps Tyler just couldn’t hear it over the thoughts in his ears. The cotton filling his eardrums left him practically deaf, but still strangely of every source of stimulus around him. The only other thing bouncing around his ears was the soft breathing of the troubled boy next to him.  ****  
** **

It was faint, but just as fitful. Rough inhales with stiff exhales; it didn’t take a genius to know he was refraining from tears. His dead eyes gazed emptily out the window, earbuds shoved in, face hard and taut. His brown curls were angled thoughtfully over his eyes to hide their redness.  ****  
** **

It tugged on Tyler’s heartstrings.  ****  
** **

That was why he made a sharp right turn, parking in a deserted lot and gently tapping the other on the shoulder. He jumped a bit, mumbled a small apology, and sat up, blinking a few times.  ****  
** **

“Hey, are you okay?” Tyler asked, not really expecting a genuine answer. Josh nodded so he continued. “We’re at the studio right now, y’know and I’ve been thinking.” Tyler took his hand, tenderly. “This day has been tough, scratch that- almost fucking impossible but you made it through and I'm so proud of you.” Josh met his eyes for a fleeting second. “So I wanted to surprise you with something. Come with me.” ****  
** **

“Tyler, what did you-” ****  
** **

“Come with me.” ****  
** **

“Seriously-” ****  
** **

“If I tell you, it won’t be fun, will it?” Tyler hopped out of the car, locking it, and leading a reluctant Josh up to the huge steel doors of the studio. He pressed his hands on the door, finding it already open, and pushed it apart with little trouble. He moved aside to let the hunched boy beside him into the dryness.  ****  
** **

Tyler watched as the older’s quivering chin stilled, and his jaw dropped as he gazed upon the unimpressive cardboard box in the middle of the room. The packaging was bland, except for the word  _ Roland  _ written in huge, black letters. ****  
** **

“A drumset?” His voice was tentative and shaking in disbelief. “For me?” ****  
** **

“Well, not exactly. It’s electric, and we still need to set it up. But other than that, yeah, it’s yours.” ****  
** **

There was that beautiful moment where Josh’s face was washed with confusion, like the gears in his head weren’t spinning fast enough. Every muscle of his body just froze before a tiny,  _ adorable  _ grin snuck onto his face, and stretched from one ear to the other, showing every single perfect tooth. And in those seconds that followed, Josh’s arms spread and squeezed around him.

“Thank you,” He said, his joyous laugh filling the air. “Thank you, thank you, thank you-”

“Hey, hey, slow down.” Tyler’s arms reciprocating. “You haven’t even opened it yet.”

“Oh, crap, you’re right!” He tore himself away from Tyler, rushing over to the box and wildly beginning to dissemble it. 

Tyler laughed.

He pulled out his phone, quickly surfing to the contact he wanted, smiling a bit. 

_ Tyjo: hey bren _

_ Tyjo: he loved it _

 

***

 

Tyler watched Josh pick up the drumsticks that came with the set cautiously. 

“What if I suck?” Josh asked. “I haven’t played in months.”

“If you suck, then you suck and that’s that.” Tyler at on the studio chair, since they had assembled the kit outside of the recording half.

Josh stuck his tongue out as he got comfortable on the throne. He had a small smile playing on his face, utterly failing to hide his excitement.

He ran the drumstick lazily over the mesh pads for each drumhead, testing the volume of each trigger. 

“Where did you even get this thing?” His voice still high with awe. 

“Sweetwater.” Tyler giggled. “I had… a friend of mine call to get this delivered. He buys a lot from them so they were more than willing to help him- or me I guess, out.”

“Sweetwater?” Josh asked, so quietly it was like he was doubting his own ears. “Aren’t those guys expensive? And this is a Roland, and those are really expensive too. God, Tyler, how much did you-”

“You already have a kit, right?” Tyler interrupted. 

“Uh, y-yeah.” Josh ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I do. But all of the heads are busted and its old as hell.”

“Yeah, I think I remember you telling me that. So this was a good gift right? Be honest. Because I knew you played, but I didn’t know if-”

“This was the suckiest gift I’ve ever gotten, Tyler.” He said emotionlessly. 

“Really?” His eyes widened involuntarily. “I really tried to put a lot of-”

“Are you kidding me, man?” Josh threw a piece of torn cardboard at him. “This is literally the best, most thoughtful, most amazing gift I’ve ever gotten. I mean it.” His authentic tone easily put Tyler’s worries at rest. 

“I’ve never heard you play.” Tyler commented randomly. 

“Really?” Josh looked up at him momentarily. “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“That means…” He raised his eyebrows. “I’ve been deprived of your gorgeous music talents.”

“God, Tyler,” Josh rolled his eyes. “If you want me to play for you just say so.”

“I want you to play for me.”

“Jeez, I didn’t think you were actually gonna ask.” Josh looked him dead in the eye, but flushed. “But, the answer is no.”

“What?” Tyler stood, bewildered. “C’mon, J, please?” He pouted, and whined. 

Josh couldn’t say no to that.

Tyler knew. 

“Ugh, fine, dude.” He growled, and Tyler fist pumped triumphantly. “Don’t judge.” He added more quietly. 

_ Oh. _

Josh was nervous?

Tyler checked himself-  _ of course  _ Josh was nervous. He was baring his soul, demonstrating his passion for someone who might take advantage of his vulnerability. His cocky, charming demeanor had vanished when he picked up the sticks again, being replaced by a stoic one, but the nervous undertones were still there. 

Then he played.

And then,  _ wow,  _ because all of the breath was stolen from Tyler’s lungs, whisked away by the gentle control of Josh across the set. The rhythmic beat of the bass rushed into through his blood, almost changing the beating of his heart to match its own. It was like he and the music had their own language, one without words, that caused him to slip into its world without protest. 

_ Wow. _

Tyler admired the alternative value of Josh's drumming, an outlet for his emotions, but  _ god,  _ it was awe-inspiring to watch.

His hands danced across the drums, wrists flicking, moving with a stunning grace that was phenomenal and equally enchanting. His head rocked back sometimes, and his eyes closed occasionally when he swept himself away with the beat- the _ music _ he was creating. His hands and his heart were connected, and he didn’t need his eyes because evidently the trust he had in his instinct was enough. He bounced a bit in his seat, half to keep tempo, and half because he was just enjoying himself too damn  _ much  _ to keep still. 

It was as quiet as a feather or but as loud as booming thunder. It kept steady time like a clock. Its reverberating sound echoed to his soul, awakening his mind. The music of the drum rolled like the rhythm of life. ****  
** **

With each beat formulated and released into the air, Tyler fell a little more in love. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I have like ten subplots to resolve before this thing ends (which is actually not super far off) so wish me luck.
> 
> As usual, feedback is always appreciated.


	22. Everyone left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, hope you're doing great. 
> 
> A couple warnings: This chapter is mostly "filler" but it is really important, trust me. Second, there is a flashback near the end of the chapter (only a couple sentences long), but it is all in italics so you can skip it if you want. Third, this is the first chapter fully in Josh's POV (yay).
> 
> okay, cool. enjoy.

His stomach squeezed so violently and so suddenly that he had barely any time to reach the toilet bowl.  ****  
** **

Pieces of food covered in the gross cream from his stomach were propelled out of his mouth and onto the bowl and the tile on the floor. He heaved again but nothing came out, and he clutched his throat, a useless attempt to soothe its burning.  ****  
** **

He could not move much of anywhere without stepping in his own puke, not like he wanted to, with the fuzziness in his brain acting like sedation. He sank fully to his knees and continued dry heaving, ignoring the putrid taste of vomit coating his tongue.  ****  
** **

There was no one to get him some water or help him clean up the mess. The stench of stomach-acid filled his nostrils as he surveyed the mess with watery eyes.  ****  
** **

Josh flushed the toilet, sifting through a nearby cabinet until he found a roll of paper napkins. ****  
** **

As he wiped, he tried to control the flow of tears. ****  
** **

The burning sensation in his throat grew more as his arms worked in smooth circles to clean up the very last of his breakfast. He made his way downstairs, achy and hot, swallowing the last of his dehydrated saliva.   ****  
** **

The glass of water was crystal clear, except for the fog created by his warm breath and the smudges from his desperate fingers. The glass itself was a delightful sight and the water inside even more so. From the moment when a single drop of water entered his mouth, he savoured it. The saliva that lined the inside of his mouth immediately sapped away at the new moisture. He tipped the glass completely upside-down, his greedy tongue draining every last drop.  ****  
** **

He sighed.  ****  
** **

A week and a half of chemotherapy was all it took for him to be puking his guts out. ****  
** **

Could he really do this? ****  
** **

He had three more days of taking bitter pills, before he had an intermittence of a week. He hadn’t gone to school over the course of the past week and three days, and god-send Tyler had been amazing at bringing him his work from school so he wouldn’t fall behind. Amid all of the cancer and the treatment of it, it was easy to forget that he was supposed to be a teenager and keep up with the shit going on at school. To be honest, his GPA was high enough to withstand him blowing off his schoolwork for the rest of the year. It wasn’t like he was planning on going to college anyway.  ****  
** **

Oh right, he probably wasn’t going to live that long.  ****  
** **

He had just about 70 days left to his life if the chemo progress remained stagnant, and the rebellious cells within him refused to die. He wasn’t in a place to be wishing that things were different, that he didn’t have cancer, because he really didn’t care what happened to him. Not to mention, even if he did survive this thing, he and his chance at a successful life would be utterly ruined. He was broke off his ass, not having enough spare change to pay for his own damn food. The only substantial money he had was the money he saved up to move away when he hit eighteen, but that was probably not enough to pay for even half the cancer treatment. Even so, that had been money he’d been saving for years, and if he wanted to live past June, he would have to throw all of it away to pay for the chemo.  ****  
** **

He was stuck.  ****  
** **

He rinsed the glass and put it aside. He could afford to put those worrying thoughts out his head until his body had recovered a bit from the day’s dose. It was really taking a toll on his body, but he could manage as long as it made others happy to see him ‘recovering’.  ****  
** **

The silence in the empty Joseph household gnawed at his insides. Of course it was Thursday, and it wasn’t like anyone should be home, but with each step he took around the house, he felt more and more like an intruder. The silence was eerily unnatural, as if his ears expected the happy sounds of the younger ones laughing or the rasp of Tyler’s voice, or even the clattering of pots and pans as meals were being prepared.  ****  
** **

The wall clock ticked like a timer on a bomb, set to detonate on his insides. Time moved on without his consent and dragged him forward alongside its march. His sudden hypersensitivity to the futile beating of his heart against his rib cage and the sweat creasing his lips only made him tap his foot even faster.  He physically felt the color draining from his face and then a tremor in his hand began.  ****  
** **

Cold sweat dripped down on his brows. With hands clasped tightly in front of his stomach, he weaved his fingers in and out of each other. And he was pacing up and down as if he was trying to leave permanent holes in the hardwood the size of his feet. He grabbed his phone, and walked speedily out of the door, locking it behind him.  ****  
** **

He couldn’t be inside the house any longer, ailing and feeling the effects of his treatment. The silence and lack of human presence were crawling on his skin like ticks, and it was driving him insane.  ****  
** **

He didn’t care where, but he had to go _somewhere._

****

***

****

Josh trudged on at a quick pace, ignoring the pulses of pain up his legs.  ****  
** **

His body ached and burned, his muscles begging for rest or any sort of break. He scoffed at the weakness in his bones, pushing on in spite of the stuttering of his chest and the fuzziness clouding his vision. His tiredness though, made him hang limp like a rag. Every muscle, despite his will to move them, stung like they individually felt the pull of gravity. What his body wanted was sleep, a nice warm bed, and a black dreams. Though, what Josh wanted was to be a fucking normal teenager and to go for a short walk around the block. ****  
** **

He stopped, panting, with shiny droplets of sweat falling off of his face. The world rushed by in a blur, as his knee gave out, his foot slipping on the dry pavement. Time was almost suspended. And then the impact. He knew there was blood sleeping from his face without opening his eyes. He didn’t move.  ****  
** **

Luckily, there was no one around to witness his failure to perform a simple task, so he stayed on the ground for a bit, taking deep breaths to soothe the pain shooting up in waves through his body. After finally having enough his patheticness, he rose up on wobbly legs, rubbing away at the blackness flowering in his eyes.  ****  
** **

Fuck chemotherapy. Actually no, fuck cancer _and_ chemotherapy.  ****  
** **

He took one step and almost fell again, his vision dotting like [something that’s dotted.] He gripped his head which was burning like it was ignited in flames. He couldn’t imagine even walking down the street at this point. He glanced up, taking in the surroundings and trying to pinpoint exactly where he was. He couldn’t spot Tyler’s house from there but- oh great, his own house was merely steps away. Truly, he and Tyler lived less than a mile apart, probably about four blocks down, walking distance for anyone in normal physical condition. But _lucky Josh_ just _had_ to get stranded by his own body an eternity away from where he wanted to be, but practically inches away from his nightmare.  ****  
** **

He tried to turn away, to find some deep energy within himself to begin a trot back, but his resolve was just as weak as his body. He sighed as he reluctantly limped up to the front door, noting the car in the driveway, and instinctually shifting his weight to be silent.  ****  
** **

He twisted the knob once he had unlocked the door, gulping as his nerves frayed, and left the door open behind him to not risk making any extra noise. The first thing he noticed was the blaring of the TV, stuck on the stupid news channel his father always watched. His mind and body shifted into survival mode as he spotted a human sized lump sitting on the sofa, and he snuck by hoping to get to the stairs and crash on his bed. He'd gotten halfway up the staircase before he paused, mind simply shutting down.  ****  
** **

Something was off. ****  
** **

He didn’t know what had triggered the thought in his head, but the pure shock of it caused him to stumble and create a ruckus as he desperately tried to grab a hold of something. He ended up on the floor, a loud thud filling the room, and he subdued the groan in his throat as he hurried to his feet. As his body tensed and prepared for loud, drunken screaming… but there was no stirring from the space near the couch.  ****  
** **

Something was off. ****  
** **

His muscles were frozen but filled with such tingling fear he wanted to break out into a dead run for the door. He took slow breaths to quell the hammering in his chest, but with each passing second of that _damned silence_ his body fell further and further into a state of panic.  ****  
** **

He took an unsure step forward. And then another. And then another. And then suddenly he was right in front of the couch, adrenaline surging so fast he almost vomited for the second time that day. He could feel the saliva thickening in his mouth.  ****  
** **

He peered of the back of the chair, bracing himself for something, anything that might be in that chair.  ****  
** **

His father was sitting there, head relaxed vaguely in the direction of the television. His eyes were slipped shut and his lips were ajar, forehead covered in a layer of perspiration. His clothes were torn and wet, as always, and there was an unfinished bottle of beer and an empty bottle for opiods lying beside him. Everything seemed in place.  ****  
** **

_Something was off._ ****  
** **

He was ghostly pale, white as a sheet in fact, and his lips had the remnants of rosy pink but were bluish in color. Though his eyes were closed, they didn’t have the look of sleep. He was motionless.  ****  
** **

Josh laid a trembling hand on the man’s neck, ready to flinch back if necessary. The skin was chilled, with hints of familiar warmth, but as if his blood was frozen. He focused, shutting his mind up, on his fingers.  ****  
** **

No pulse.  ****  
** **

The realization dawned on him so suddenly it almost knocked him off his feet. He just stood there, as he felt his heart cracking like glass. He could hardly bare the sight. ****  
** **

He checked once more, twice, _three fucking times_ before he pulled his hand away, fingers burning.  ****  
** **

He pulled out his phone, dialing 911 without any real feeling in his chest. Robotically, he gave them his name, the address, the reason for his call, his cell phone number, and everything else they asked for. They promised to be there in less than fifteen minutes.  ****  
** **

He hung up without a beat, glancing around the room. It was a mess, bottles everywhere, bags of drugs and whatnot scattered around the room. Josh briefly considered cleaning, but eventually decided on leaving the scene in prime condition for the cops. A crumpled up piece of paper napkin was lying on the man’s lap and Josh picked it up, shaking the pills on it off, as it was seemingly out of place. Messy letters were scrawled across it, only two words, but they carried enough weight to raise tears in the boy’s eyes.  ****  
** **

_Everyone left._ ****  
** **

He set the note down, steadying himself. ****  
** **

His father was dead. ****  
** **

He was gone. ****  
** **

Josh kneeled, picking up his hand, cold and pale, and placed it against his cheek. He shut his eyes for just a moment. He couldn’t remember the last they had been this close. And in that second, he felt his father’s presence, like the last embrace he never got to have. His mind struggled to stay in that moment. Even though he knew his father was gone, he kissed his head lightly and stood.  ****  
** **

It was farewell.  ****  
** **

*** ****  
** **

 

Josh came up from underwater, filling his lungs with the oxygen they begged for.  ****  
** **

A deep sense of serenity overcame him as he stared at the expanse of blue that surrounded him. Rays of midday light danced across the ripples on the lake. The afternoon sun both limited his sight and made the little view he had so much more beautiful. ****  
** **

He thought it would be okay to go for a short swim, to take his mind off things and to try to relax. He bobbed up and down in the water, feeling the cold splashes on his tear stained face. The water ran over his bare skin, chilling him but freezing the evil out of his bones. He held his face underwater, swimming down to let his fingers graze the muddy bottom. ****  
** **

He used to swim all the time when his father was alive.  ****  
** **

He stayed underwater, despite feeling his brain fuzz with onset of asphyxia. His heart started beating frantically, desperately, as it struggled to provide energy to his muscles.  The oxygen he had moments earlier was gone and his head began to spin. His limbs were going numb and grey and he watched them do so, emotionlessly. His vision blackened as he continued to hold his body against its will. After a long while of suffering, he decided to spare himself and pushed his head above the surface of the water. His lungs instantaneously filled with a large gulp of air and he scoffed internally, wishing that he’d stayed under.  ****  
** **

He could’ve swum forever, dove forever, stayed in that underwater world forever. There was something about the motion of swimming that stole the tension from his shoulders. He would always long to feel the cool water wash over his skin and through his eye lashes. He didn’t have much longer before he was too weak to even walk on his own, so, he would swim while he could, while he was still strong. ****  
** **

He moved back to dock after a while, hoisting himself out of the water. He let his toes skim the surface of the lake and gazed upon the tranquility of the space. He did not feel at peace as he usually did, as his heart was tired and frustrated.  ****  
** **

The official mourning hadn't started yet and he was already sick of it. ****  
** **

The urge to cry came and went, volatile, powerful, spilling hot tears. The despair sat heavy on his heart. ****  
** **

He could still see his father, smiling wide, his big, loving hands scooping him up in a warm embrace so he felt on top of the world. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t envision his face. He desperately searched for a picture of the man face in his memories, but all that filled his mind were inebriated shouts and rough, violating touches. ****  
** **

He shut his eyes, tears slipping out of his closed eyelids.  ****  
** **

He didn’t want to grieve, dammit. He wanted to be relieved, joyful even, that the man who ruined his life was finally dead like he deserved. But no, he was close to a meltdown over the fact his father was gone.  ****  
** **

He used to be normal, like a glass figurine, a perfect example of a son. But since his father had used his words as weapons and his fists as bullets, Josh had been destroyed. He still felt pain, so much raw pain. His father made him skeptical about people and love. And he hated him. He fucking hated his father for that. He turned him into a broken mess, and even if he won't ever see his father again, his touch would be with him for years, or maybe even for the rest of his life. The man fucked up his confidence, and Josh remembered every single word his father said, he could remember how he made him feel like a waste of space. He used to be _fine,_ now he was a mess of anxiety, scars, drugs, and trauma.  ****  
** **

He just _couldn’t_ forgive him.  ****  
** **

He also couldn’t make himself hate his father either. The man betrayed his love and left his heart shattered. His father destroyed him, making it impossible for him to put himself back together. And yet, Josh still loved him. He always hoped maybe something would change, maybe his father would go back to who he was before. ****  
** **

But he never did. ****  
** **

His father should have had a life, love, music, and dance. He should have been there when Josh wed the love of his life, wept when he welcomed his grandkids, but divorce and addiction left the man a shell of himself, ruined and angry and out of his mind. Josh almost felt bad, knowing that the man had probably battled his demons alone in the last moments of his life. With no kids, or a wife, or a job for fulfillment, he likely saw no chance for a good life. He should’ve had the opportunity to kick his drug habit, to rectify his life and his relationships with those in it. He never did get that chance, though, because his drugs won in an overdose before he could decide to change himself. ****  
** **

It wasn’t fair.  ****  
** **

Josh didn’t get to tell him he loved him one last time. He didn’t get to hold him, show him that he was still there and he was still his son. His father was never alone, because by god, even though Josh would shit himself if they were ever in the same room, he would have come running if his father had asked. He loved him, in spite of everything. Why didn’t he help his own father? ****  
** **

The only times he saw his father’s kind face, was when it was flushed and sweating, yelling vulgarities at him.  The emptiness in his heart, the numbness pounding his brain, the salty tears that flowed from his eyes weren't even halfway done and Josh was empty. He couldn't have cried anymore even if he wanted to. The sadness was still there, but not stinging anymore. It had morphed into an empty unhappiness.  ****  
** **

What kind of son wasn’t at his father’s deathbed? Josh wanted to hurl himself from a cliff. ****  
** **

He stood up from the dock, rubbing furiously at his eyes, and hopped back into the Audi. He closed the car door and leaned back onto the headrest of the seat. A deep breath. Another.  ****  
** **

It had been a week- no, almost two.

There was no going back. No do overs. He would never see his father again. His fingers trembled around the cigarette as he began to light it. The smell and taste were just as putrid as he was on the inside. Smoke blew out between his lips. Maybe if he smoked enough he could forget all about him. It was a silly thought, but it was worth a try, because he would do anything to get rid of the sickening deadness inside of him. There was no hope to protect him from more dangerous ways of forgetting, of stopping all that guilt and sadness. ****  
** **

He was at the mercy of his mind.

****

***

****

_His father’s coarse whisky tongue nipped at his skin, shoving its way into his mouth. Wet and stubby fingers curled in his hair. Every time Josh closed his eyes, the hand bashed his head backward onto the hard floor, demanding he open them. He didn't want to, he didn’t want to see the man above, so he closed them over and over, doing everything in his power to avoid seeing his face light up with power and lust. The man became angry, his movements less controlled, until finally blood ran from the back of his head and down his shaking thighs and onto the hardwood, certain to stain it. His head lolled like a doll, and he braced himself for another hit. It didn’t come. It didn’t matter. His father was finished anyway._ ****  
** **

Everything was blurry.  ****  
** **

For a second, he didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know how he got in this bed, or how he got these clothes. Then, slowly, everything was processed. He was in Tyler’s room. The greyness above him was the ceiling. He was covered by the duvet. He slowly sat up, waking up. His cheeks were wet and his body was bathed in a cold sweat. The sheets were twisted around his limbs. His heart pounded against his chest. Josh trembled. The room was entirely dark. No light anywhere. The remnants of his nightmare still clung to his mind, haunting him. ****  
** **

He squished himself in the corner of the room, where the bed met the wall. His back was pressed against the empty darkness in the room and hands shivering along the edges of the cracked drywall and fragments of hope. Reason was slipping through his stiff fingers. He laid his head on the pillow, puffs of warm breath threading out of his lips. ****  
** **

He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his shins. It was like if he could just curl up into a ball, he wouldn't have to face real life. He would still protected from everything around  him. But he'd still have to live with himself, with the wretched memories and damned nightmares swirling around in his head. His eyes, already red and puffy from crying a million times that day, squeezed shut to push even more tears out. He let his head fall down to his knees, and he pulled his legs closer to him. No matter what he did, there was nowhere to hide from the thoughts in his head. ****  
** **

The door opened behind him, but he didn’t bother to turn around. The bed dipped and he felt warm breath next to his ear.  ****  
** **

“Hey, baby,” Tyler greeted him. “Can I call you that?” ****  
** **

Josh turned over to look at the boy beside him. His hair, dark and lustrous, had a sheen like a gem. His hair was swaying softly with the words he spoke. The depths of that deep chestnut brown reflected all the radiance of his smile. ****  
** **

“Not yet.” Josh breathed into his chest. “Just a bit more time.” ****  
** **

Tyler nodded, pulling them closer and placing a tentative kiss on his forehead.  ****  
** **

“How was your day?” He asked. ****  
** **

“It was good, I guess,” Josh shrugged. “How was yours?” ****  
** **

“Boring as usual, y’know, without you.” He winked and Josh rolled his eyes. “Finals are coming up in a month-ish, so all my classes are doing review.” ****  
** **

“How was chemotherapy today?” ****  
** **

“I don’t want to think about the tumor, Tyler.” ****  
** **

“I was just asking if there was any progress or-” ****  
** **

_“I don’t want to think about the tumor.”_ He reiterated, enunciating every syllable.  ****  
** **

“Okay, sorry, jeez. I was just asking.” Tyler averted his eyes. ****  
** **

“Why’d you come home so late? School ended like two hours ago, dude.” Josh tried to diffuse some of the tension.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, I was at the jewelers again. To get our necklaces redone ‘cause I lost mine. It took so freaking long I swear I almost fell asleep standing in that line.” He laughed but Josh only gave him a small smile. Upon seeing his expression, Tyler’s expression softened. “Are you okay?” His voice rasped a bit. “I don’t mean to say that you don’t look okay- well because you always do, but I don’t- just how do you feel?” ****  
** **

“I’m fine.”  ****  
** **

“You sure?” ****  
** **

Maybe this was his chance to reach out. ****  
** **

“Actually, I’m not-” ****  
** **

He was cut off by the sound of his own phone ringing.  ****  
** **

He groaned but Tyler reached over to grab it off the nightstand for him. He answered it without looking at the caller ID.  ****  
** **

“Hello?” ****  
** **

_“Hello? Is this Joshua Dun?”_ ****  
** **

“Yeah, that’s me.” Jeez, he got too many mysterious calls like this.  ****  
** **

_“My name is Jessica Carter and I work with the Columbus Division of Police. I am the detective working a case that pertains to you. We’re calling to inquire about your father. You were the one who found him, correct?”_ ****  
** **

Josh’s breath caught in his throat. “Yeah, that’s right.” ****  
** **

_“What time did you find him?”_ ****  
** **

“Around eleven-thirty or noon.” ****  
** **

_“I take it you don’t live there?”_ ****  
** **

“No, I live with a friend of mine.” Tyler looked up at this and cocked an eyebrow, but Josh waved him off, sitting up completely and swinging his feet off the bed.  ****  
** **

_“Why not?”_ ****  
** **

“My dad was abusive and an addict and couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him.” ****  
** **

_“Oh... uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Dun.”_ ****  
** **

“Don’t call me that; it’s my dad’s name. Call me Josh instead.” ****  
** **

_“Well, Josh, we hate to tell you that you were late to your father’s last moments by less than an hour. We placed his time of death at just after eleven in the morning.”_ ****  
** **

“Oh.” ****  
** **

_“At the scene, we found quite a few types of paraphernalia and a note. Did you know about these items?”_ ****  
** **

“Yes, ma’am.” ****  
** **

_“After running an autopsy and other assumptions made at the scene, we were able to determine that the cause of death was an overdose, and a likely suicide.”_ ****  
** **

Josh placed his head in his hands, rubbing the fresh tears in his eyes away. Tyler was watching him with furrowed brows and his lips downturned.  ** **  
****

_“Hello, Josh, are you still there?”_ ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah.” He took a shaky breath.  ****  
** **

_“Because this was a seemingly unplanned death, your father did not have a will organized. We have to go according to the intestacy laws in Ohio-”_ ****  
** **

“Intestacy?” ****  
** **

_“Which members of your family receive what parts of his property."_ ****  
** **

“What’s the law?” ****  
** **

_“Your mother will inherit the first $60,000 of his intestate property, plus 1/3 of the balance. Do you have anyway to get into contact with her and your siblings?”_ ****  
** **

“No, I’m sorry.” ****  
** **

_“If it is found that your mother does not want the property he owned, the bank will repossess your house for resale. Do you have any belongings there that you didn’t take with you when you moved?”_ ****  
** **

“I have some clothes, like a suitcase, and… uh, and a gun.” He scratched the back of his head.  ****  
** **

_“Would you like to keep those?”_ ****  
** **

“Yeah, I think… I think I’ll keep them.” ****  
** **

_“When do you think you could drop by and get them?”_ ****  
** **

“Next Friday. In a week.” ****  
** **

_“Okay, we’ll come by Saturday to do one last sweep through.”_ The detective sucked in short breath, speaking softer when she started again. _“Everything will be fine, Josh. I’ll send my condolences to your family. Try and get some sleep. Have a wonderful evening.”_ ****  
** **

He hung up and bit his lip, placing his phone aside.  ****  
** **

“Who was that?” Tyler asked, kneeling in front of Josh. He stroked his nape and pressed their foreheads together.  ****  
** **

“I… It’s j-just-” Tyler instructed him to take a deep breath and Josh closed his eyes, obeying. “T-the police station.” ****  
** **

“Really? What do they want?” ****  
** **

“My dad… he died this morning.” ****  
** **

“Oh,” Tyler quirked his head to the side. “And is that a good or bad thing?” ****  
** **

“Why would you even ask something like that?” Josh narrowed his eyes. “He’s my father, Tyler.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler rolled his eyes. “Some father he was.” ****  
** **

“You don’t even know him, Tyler,” ****  
** **

“I know that he raped you so much that you can’t even sleep through the night!” ****  
** **

Josh’s breath faltered, and he looked at Tyler expectantly, venom forming in his heart.  ****  
** **

“What?” The brunette snorted. “Am I wrong?” ****  
** **

“Get out.” Josh growled, eyes on his hands.  ****  
** **

“This is my room-” ****  
** **

“GET OUT.” He shouted, exploding. “Get out, get out, get out!” He stood to shove the other boy, whose body shrunk in on itself as he backed away in fear.  ****  
** **

Tyler bolted out of the room, and Josh slammed the door behind him.  ****  
** **

He collapsed onto the bed. Tears, _again,_ rose in his eyes. ****  
** **

His mind darkened like an extinguished fire. It used to burn bright when it knew of happiness and light, when the future was real and tangible. But now his mind was dark, a tinder of who he once was. In those ashes there was no hope to renew a spark. All he could do was huddle in the corner of the bed, stifling his sobs, and live from heartbeat to heartbeat. It almost felt like the world wasn’t really there at all, like it was replaced with something empty, photoshopped, fake. The real world had given him joy. He’d felt connected to it, a worthy part of it. But either it vanished or he did, because every second of every minute of every day all he just floated in the void. ****  
** **

He had an ocean of sadness inside him and he had been damming it his whole life.  ****  
** **

He gripped his temples, crying into his palms, ignoring the stifled ones he heard outside the door.  ****  
** **

His father had died that morning, but there was more than one type of death. Josh had died some time ago. He didn't mean to. His heart  did still beat, but worked only as an angry muscle in his chest, pumping even through he wished it not to. The world was overcast in his eyes, no matter the weather. People moved, cars whirred on the streets, the orange streetlights still shone, yet it was like Josh watching it from outside his own body. As if it was unreal or distant. Happiness was nothing more than a memory, everyday feeling more like an illusion and slipping further out of reach. Death was easily preferable to wandering the maze of his mind for eternity or however long he had left. ****  
** **

How could he still be breathing when he felt like this?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate every single one of you, and extra thanks to those of you who comment and leave kudos. 
> 
> One a more serious note: you all will hate me for the next chapter, and i mean really hate. 
> 
> what did you think? lemme know. see you in two weeks.


	23. Stanzas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ:
> 
> This chapter is heavy, and I mean it. I'm putting this out there because I don't even know what I would do with myself if my work triggered someone or made them unnecessarily uncomfortable. The tags have been appropriately updated, and I would ask all of you to check them one more time before reading. Of course it is your own choice, and if you don't want to spoil the chapter's contents for yourself, you don't have to. 
> 
> Please, read with caution and take care of yourselves.

It was just before ten, the room dark with gaunt silhouettes. ****  
** **

The stars were nonexistent, only peeking through between the ash and soot clouds covering the Friday sky. There were times the clouds moved just enough to reveal the full moon, but for most of the night, it was obscured and quieted. The clouds stretched over the horizon, giving it a hazy, ominous feel.  ****  
** **

_ Fitting, _ Josh thought, because just like those clouds, his insides were in chaos; a mess. Something was bothering him. Something ached inside him. Something felt so wrong, so misplaced, but Josh couldn't tell what. He was done trying to pinpoint the cause for the unexplained pain. ****  
** **

He could feel Tyler slowly dozing off against his chest. From the last week of being startled out of slumber by Josh's relentless nightmares, Josh had expected this. The younger's head lolled a bit, his eyelids finally slipping closed, and Josh smiled. The rest of him slowly leaned into his chest, going limp. ****  
** **

“Goodnight, J.” He mumbled, the reverberations of his voice tingled his neck, making Josh shiver. ****  
** **

“Bye, Tyler.” He whispered back. ****  
** **

Without the worries of his consciousness, he looked so vulnerable and childlike. His breaths were even and calmed, the expression on his face no longer stressed but relaxed. His eyelids fluttered, but he seemed too out of it to notice. ****  
** **

Ten o'clock eventually became eleven, and then twelve. The time trickled by. His mind was blank, the blackness of the room filling his eyelids instead of dreams. His eyes were as stationary as the silhouette of his notebook on his lap, where they rested. ****  
** **

He sighed, tears blooming in his eyes, but he repressed them. His vision was blurry as he set the barely finished poem down, and climbed out of bed, careful not to jostle the boy sleeping there. ****  
** **

He passed over to the window on the balls of his feet, barely making a sound before turning around to take in the room, one last time. Naturally, his eyes were drawn to the boy curled up under the covers. This boy had promised him an eternity, one filled with love and joy, but his own body would be the reason he couldn't obtain that. His eyes never left Tyler's sleeping figure, and the more he looked, the more attractive the boy became. His rich chocolate hair that had tousled in his sleep had an air of finesse. And then his eyes, even though they were closed, Josh could imagine their deep catastrophe, their vividness that resembled the undertones of an earthy forest. ****  
** **

Here he was, simply admiring a boy he didn't deserve to have. ****  
** **

He tiptoed back over, leaning over slightly to give a small kiss to Tyler's forehead, pushing his hair out of his face. Tyler shifted slightly in his sleep, sighing contentedly and eyes fluttering.  ****  
** **

That was why Josh had to do this. ****  
** **

He was trash, fucked up scum of the earth. His trauma and emotional scars were too deep, unfixable, and probably wouldn't recover from them anytime soon. He was worthless, just an object to passed around for sexual pleasure. And now that his dad was gone- killed himself, he had no purpose. He knew of nothing else than suffering under his hand. All the memories beforehand of his happy go lucky family were repressed and scrubbed clean out of his mind. It was painful to think of what his life used to be, when he wasn't a drug addict and closed-off, emotionless, pile of shit. Maybe if all of that was still the case, he'd be worthy of love from the most perfect, sweetest, boy on earth. ****  
** **

_ Everything has gone wrong,  _ His mind whispered,  _ There is no way to fix this. You are the problem; the tumor. All you do is drag everyone down. Stop being so selfish and just do it. _ ****  
** **

The world seemed off to his eyes and the air became soupy, harder to inhale. A glossy sheen covered his eyes that wasn't there before and his thoughts turned mordacious and electric.  ****  
** **

That was why he had to this. ****  
** **

Tyler was going out of his way to make sure Josh was happy. Coming out to his family, buying him expensive gifts, that kind of stuff. And though that was all well and good, he knew the real reason Tyler was doing this was because Josh now had an expiration date. Tyler didn't deserve to grieve for the waste of space Josh was. He had already ruined the younger’s life by invading his home, dragging him into the pit of his mental problems, and more recently, the fact that he most days moping around due to his chemotherapy. Tyler didn't deserve that.

He wiped at the tears dribbling down his face. ****  
** **

He made sure everything was in place before he silently slipped out the window.

****

***

****

Tyler awoke to the sound of a phone ringing. ****  
** **

Without opening his eyes, he aimed blindly for his phone, cheering internally as he grasped it. He let out a grunt as he realized it wasn't vibrating at all, yet there was still a ringing noise filling his ears. He palmed around for Josh's phone instead, and answered it without really thinking. ****  
** **

“Hello?” He hoped he sounded somewhat coherent.  ****  
** **

_ “Tyler?”  _ The man sounded confused. ****  
** **

“Yeah, hey, Dr. Lewis. I'm using Josh’s phone. How can I help you?” ****  
** **

_ “I know it's a late hour, and I'm sorry for that, but Josh was supposed to come in for a review of the treatment plan a couple of hours ago. Could you put him on the line?” _ ****  
** **

“It’s no problem at all, really. He's-” He turned to look behind him, expecting find the boy curled up and asleep, but instead found the bed empty, aside from the discarded notebook he was writing in when Tyler had dozed off. “He's not here. With me.” ****  
** **

_ “I suppose it's no problem.”  _ Dr. Lewis had a slight uncertainty to his tone.  _ “Just know that he seemed a bit-”  _ He cut himself off with his own inhale. ****  
** **

“A bit what?” ****  
** **

_ “I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but he seemed a little off. Like standoffish in a way.”  _ The man sighed. “ _ Just let him know that he does have to come in soon, so we can continue with treatment.” _ ****  
** **

“Will do.” ****  
** **

_ “Great. Alright, goodnight, son.” _ ****  
** **

“Goodnight, sir.” ****  
** **

Tyler’s breath got tangled in the workings of his chest as he tried to exhale. He could feel the fear growing in the pit of his stomach as he glanced around the room one more time.  ****  
** **

It was as if the boy had never been there. Except for the suitcases and trash bags filled with his clothes stuffed into his bedroom closet, there was no evidence of his presence. His shoes were gone and his car, which had been parked down the street for the last week, was missing. His phone, for whatever reason, had been left behind and was clutched in Tyler’s sweaty and tensed hand. Tyler stood and jogged to the bathroom, looking for a reason- any reason, to debunk his panic, but when he threw open the door, he found it empty. He breathed shallow, trying to find a way to release the tension. ****  
** **

His mouth formed a rigid grimace as he paced back into the bedroom, cracking his knuckles. With arms folded tightly across his rapidly moving chest, he tapped his foot furiously and stared out of the grimy window. He was vaguely aware he was been biting his lip so hard it was bleeding.   ****  
** **

Mainly, when Josh disappeared in the middle of the night, he came back with white powder dusting his clothes and the grimy scent of weed all over him. Though Tyler was very aware of his drug use, he really made no attempt to stop him, as he didn’t want to start yet another fight amongst the issues they were both battling. It wasn't like his pleas would somehow beat the addiction for him, he'd tried that before. He had tried love and support, but apparently nothing stuck and he just relapsed over and over, to the point where Tyler had kind of given up. ****  
** **

The only problem was, Josh hadn’t snuck out for at least two weeks. Tyler wasn’t exactly sure why he’d stopped, but it made him incredibly happy and a little prideful when he woke up in the middle of the night to see the boy asleep next to him. So if Josh wasn’t out getting high, where was he? ****  
** **

Ever since Josh had shared that his father had died about a week before (which had also led to another fight), he’d been quiet and reserved. They really weren’t on speaking terms as a result of that, but it had been enough time for Tyler to see a noticeable change in the other’s demeanor. His eyes had sunken into dark hollows of his soul, his smile was broken in some sort of way and the way his eyes searched cautiously around him, it was different. And since he’d been so shut in, maybe he’d left for a walk- but, no, that couldn’t be it because his car was gone. Maybe he went for a late night drive? That didn’t sound like him, because if Josh wanted somewhere to be alone with his thoughts, there was no way he would leave without his notebook or sketchbook.  ****  
** **

He’d been so lost in constructing scenarios in his head for Josh could possibly be but with no substantial idea or clue that might be likely. He could be completely wrong, and there was no point in blindly guessing where he could be. He put his face in his hands and begged his brain to come up any plan of action. Then it came to him: the notebook.  ****  
** **

He practically dove on the bed and tore the notebook open, frantically flipping through the pages. It smelled warm and dusty, but was obviously cared for extremely well. All of the words were lined up in the margins and the words were placed methodically, unlike Tyler’s, which was filled with unfinished thought after unfinished thought crammed into the margins. A couple of the older pages, dating back years, were burned with the faint scent of nicotine, but Tyler willed himself not to get distracted. Even in his desperation, he was incredibly gentle with the book, treating it as if it was an unmelted snowflake that had landed in his palm. It held Josh’s past, and would hold his future. ****  
** **

A part of him felt bad for invading the other’s private thoughts, but there was another part of him that was so fucking worried for no discernable reason, so he just continued to search the pages diligently. He turned the pages furiously, until the pages became empty, and then he flipped back to the last page with writing on it. It was dated for that day, two separate stanzas etched in faint lines across the page. He squinted in the darkness to make out the first one.   ****  
** **

_ I still remember it. _

_ How you dragged out my innocence  _

_ and dignity _

_ Should I have stopped you? _

_ Could I have stopped you? _

_ Because now _

_ You’re a nightly guest _

_ In my  _

_ Nightmares. _ ****  
** **

His skin stung like one thousand paper cuts had suddenly imprinted themselves on his body. The nausea swirled in his empty stomach. His head spun with half-formed regrets. Half of him wanted to burst out in tears, while the other wanted to slap himself in the face for not noticing a thing. ****  
** **

With blurry vision, his eyes moved to the other poem on the page. ****  
** **

_ I don’t know how I did it, _

_ How I forced myself to act okay, _

_ but I guess it’s not really  _

_ okay, because all I feel is numb _

_ and empty.  _

_ The lake and the bullets can take me, _

_ then someday my name _

_ will mean nothing _

_ to you _

_ And the memories will fade _

_ and it won’t hurt anymore. _

_ I know because tonight, you said “Goodnight,” _

_ And I said “Goodbye,” _

_ And you didn’t even think _

_ twice. _ ****  
** **

Tyler shot up from the bed, his own phone in hand, grabbing a jacket and his keys, not even bothering to change. He clambered down the stairs, closing the door and racing out into his car while still pulling on his vans. He twisted the key in the ignition, once, twice, but the car didn’t jump to life. He gave up eventually, breaking out into a dead sprint toward the boy’s house. ****  
** **

His heart was racing almost too fast.  ****  
** **

He had to find him.

****

***

****

In twilight, the surface of the lake was a pool of obsidian rock, and the stones that skipped across the still water caused the radiating ripples that caught the moonlight. After about three skips the stones sank, then again the lake looked like glass one could skate across with nothing more than socks.  ****  
** **

Josh let his mind escape him. There was no point in trying to fight it.  ****  
** **

The lake was gleaming, mirroring the dazzling mass of glittering stars. A hushed breeze brushed against the water’s surface, the ripples ruffled the stillness of the surface, and shattered the reflections dancing across it. ****  
** **

He wished he was under the water, where everything in the world ceased to exist for a bit. Where the only thing he could hear was the beating of his heart, and if he didn’t go up for air, he could start to feel his lungs craving for oxygen, burning, because he couldn’t breathe in the best way possible. ****  
** **

He let his eyes close, slowly filling his lungs with the cool air. ****  
** **

He’d dreamed of his father the night before. 

It was nice. To get to see his face again. Technically, it wasn’t his face. Because, in his dream, the man’s eyes were still full of love. His father smiled and laughed. But, most memorable of all, his eyes lit up like this same starry night when their gazes met. He was so happy. And, for a moment, Josh was able to forget the pain he caused him. Josh was able to feel his love once more. 

But, eventually, he’d woken up. He’d tried to hold onto the dream. But, like all dreams, it slowly faded away.

He was emotionally bankrupt. There was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped his mind in swirling blackness.

He walked back to the Audi, opening the rear, and searching through bags he’d finally taken from his home. He grasped onto the leather box he was looking for, opening it with hesitant fingers.  ****  
** **

He held the gun in his hand, pacing back over to the lake. He loaded the already full magazine into the gun as he walked back to the water. ****  
** **

He set the weapon down on the dock, and picked up another rock to skip. He hummed in a whisper as he did.  ****  
** **

_ “We all are stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids, culture forbids,” _ He sung almost inaudibly. It was just a little something he heard Tyler singing in the shower the other day, and now, in the midst of debating taking his own life, it felt like the right thing to say.  _ “We have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is, fall off the grid-”   _ ****  
** **

He bit his tongue, trying to hold in the tears that threatened to leave his eyes. First, one small tear escaped, trailing all the way down and falling off his chin. Then another. And another. He sniffled every few seconds, and they kept falling, and Josh let them. Then the sobs punched through his chest, his muscles, his very bone. As much as he tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from his throat. The beads started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping.  ****  
** **

He screamed into his palms. 

****

***

****

Salty droplets of sweat flowed down Tyler's face like summer rain, dripping onto his shirt as he paused to regain his breath. ****  
** **

He jumped the low level gate, dark wooden pickets that stood out of the ground like stakes. The house behind it had once been a simple home, but as he approached it, he felt a sickening disgust creep over him. The front door was made of rustic wood with black hinges spreading latching onto its ends like the devil’s fingernails.  ****  
** **

He walked up to the house, overgrown branches covering the door as if to scare him off. He pulled away the branches without much struggle, and opened the door. It made a high-pitched creaking noise like an abandoned house, and then it slammed shut behind him. A foul stench invaded his nostrils and he gagged, covering his nose with his hand. He gulped, sweat dripping down his brow, but not because of the heat. It felt as if someone, or something, was watching him, waiting to drag him into the depths of hell. ****  
** **

He shook himself free of the building apprehension, not even bothering to look around, and jogged up the stairs, almost tripping in his haste. He burst into Josh’s bedroom, not really sure what to expect.  ****  
** **

He couldn't locate a light switch to darken the shadowy space, so it stayed as dark as the sky outside. The only light was from the faintest glimmer of the crescent moon hanging warningly among the stars. Tyler walked into center of the room, spinning around to take in all of it.  ****  
** **

It was vacated. ****  
** **

The light that struggled through the window failed to reflect the once beige floorboards that were more like a forest floor in both colour and texture. The walls could’ve been any shade at all, Tyler couldn't tell. Even the clothes that they had left during the move-out were gone, and there was not even the slightest notion that anyone had lived there before. The suitcases and garbage bags were missing, leaving the room empty and without a trace of humanity. ****  
** **

It was unnerving. ****  
** **

He sighed into the darkness, his achy limbs begging for sleep. He didn't even know what he was doing, or why he was chasing Josh, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. It was simply an inkling though, an unfounded guess, that was the cause of him running around like a lunatic in the middle of a Friday night. Josh was probably fine and just wanted some space, and Tyler was just fretting and overthinking as usual. Everything would be okay. His muscles reminded him of their tiredness again and he groaned, rolling his closed eyes at himself. He should probably start working out again. ****  
** **

He took a deep breath, reopened his eyes, and took one last look about the empty room before turning for the door. He was ready to head back home. Maybe he could watch a few videos before heading to bed and ease himself back into sleep. He had his hand on the knob, ready to twist it, when an epiphany hit him so hard he almost fell to his knees. ****  
** **

The room was  _ empty. _ ****  
** **

As in, everything they'd left behind to move on a later date was gone, probably taken by Josh. Every single thing. ****  
** **

Including the gun. ****  
** **

Dread crept down his spine like a hairy spider leaving a trail of silk. His stomach was full of lead, his feet were set in the hardwood, and his mind was worryingly empty.  ****  
** **

Tyler suddenly bolted down the steps, even jumping the last few, and raced out the door. A line from the poem beat in his head like the bass of a drum, and with each step he cursed himself for not noticing earlier.

_ The lake and the bullets can take me, _

_ then someday my name _

_ will mean nothing _

_ to you _ ****  
** **

He ignored the shots of pain up his legs. ****  
** **

He wouldn't stop till he reached the lake.

****

***

****

Josh held the gun limply in his fingers, watching as the reflections of the illuminated ripples from the lake danced across its midnight surface. ****  
** **

He placed the muzzle of it against his temple, his index finger teasing the trigger. ****  
** **

A lonesome tear escaped his eye and traveled down the muzzle of the hand gun from where it touched his face.  ****  
** **

He sighed.

****

***

****

He had entered the forest surrounding the lake when he felt a sharp cramp in his ribs. ****  
** **

Autumn leaves from the tall trees had long fallen two seasons ago, but still lay scattered on the forest floor. Each was simultaneous soggy and a brittle brown. With each step he took, there was a sound like dry cereal being crunched. ****  
** **

The warm humidity of the foliage made him feel sticky and suffocated. His clothes and hair, slick with perspiration, clung to his itchy skin. He swatted at another insect that landed on his arm. Sweat rolled down his skin in thick beads. He could feel his heart throbbing inside his chest.  ****  
** **

He hadn't ran like this in while, and his body was definitely making this known with each exasperated breath that left his lungs. His skin felt like it was roasting.  ****  
** **

All at once his foot refused to travel forward as the wiry fingers of a root snagged on his ankle, and the scenery started to blur. There was the expected thump of the ground against his chest as he fell, the mud mixing with the blackness of his shirt.  ****  
** **

He stayed down.  ****  
** **

His legs stiffened as if to savour their break from relentless sprinting, and Tyler put his head in his hands. He could practically smell the moss on the lake, but the paces it would take for him to get there seemed too great. He'd been running for what felt like days, with no water or rest, and his destination still seemed light years away; intangible. He begged his body to get up, to crawl if he had to, because by god, he was going to get to that lake. ****  
** **

The night sky was the only assurance that he was still alive, but despite that, there was no helping the sick feeling inside his stomach. ****  
** **

He knew he never told the boy, but Josh was his everything. In the wild waves of his unkempt thoughts, Josh was his lighthouse; his beacon. His heart splintered his chest now that Tyler knew he let Josh down. The boy had needed him, and he had been so stuck up to notice or too angry to care. All Tyler did was treat him like shit and demand tasks from him. And Josh was practically inches, yet miles away, and Tyler had to get to him. Not only did he have to redeem himself, he had so much love in his heart for Josh, that if he left, Tyler wouldn't know what to do with the gaping hole in his chest. ****  
** **

And even if he was Tyler's beacon, he served as a lighthouse for everyone he came into contact with. He was kind, and smiley and all around refreshing to be around. The world needed someone like Josh, a loving, talented person who cared for others before himself. He suddenly knew that if Josh killed himself, he would die as well. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain and sickening  _ bang _ , but it would happen. He couldn't live for very long without a heart. ****  
** **

Tyler needed Josh. ****  
** **

The world needed Josh. ****  
** **

It was selfish, but Tyler couldn't let Josh do this. ****  
** **

He couldn't let Josh kill himself. ****  
** **

His blood boiled with adrenaline and newfound inspiration as he was reminded of his reasons for being in this forest. He stood on shaky legs and almost immediately fell back down, as a sharp stinging in his ankle formed. He stood again this time, resilient, and biting back tears of agony. He settled to stumbling along behind him as fast as he could, trying not to put pressure on his leg. He was exhausted.  ****  
** **

He could see the rear of the Audi. ****  
** **

He was so close. ****  
** **

Just a few more steps.  ****  
** **

So close. ****  
** **

His shoes touched upon the soggy ground near the lake.   ****  
** **

He did it.  ****  
** **

He had reached the lake. ****  
** **

He did it.  ****  
** **

His lungs felt like they would burst and his throat made it hurt to swallow.  ****  
** **

Unease blossomed in his gut.  ****  
** **

“Josh.” He croaked out to himself, unable to contain his relief at the sight of the other boy. The other was at the end of the dock, legs swinging over the edge with his back to the forest he came from. He limped forward, the other’s name on his lips. ****  
** **

He walked up until they were about two meters apart, until he could fully see the other boy. His eyes fixed on the figure of the other, all the moisture draining from his mouth. ****  
** **

Josh was sitting rigid, shoulders hunched, his brown curls wet and stuck to his forehead. His eyes were screwed shut, and the occasional tear eased out and ran down his cheek. Most jarring of all perhaps, was the blackness of the handgun, its muzzle pressed up his temple. ****  
** **

Tyler sucked in a breath. ****  
** **

Josh's eyes flew open and he spun around to face Tyler, eyes wide and frantic. ****  
** **

“I d-didn't-” He started. ****  
** **

“You didn't what?” Tyler interrupted softly. “Expect me to find you?” ****  
** **

Josh looked down at his hand, the one free from the handgun. ****  
** **

“I didn't want you to find me.” He finished quietly. “H-how did you?” ****  
** **

“Your notebook.” ****  
** **

“Oh,” He nodded and turned back to the lake. “I knew I should've taken it.” ****  
** **

Silence flooded the air, clouding it and making it tough to breathe. ****  
** **

“Why here?” ****  
** **

Josh hummed, almost as if to ponder upon the question himself. ****  
** **

“I‘ve always loved the flowers and the birds, loved the moonlight and the clouds that drift by. I guess I just wanted to see them one more time before I go. There’s no m-mess to clean up, either.”  ****  
** **

His grip was still iron tight on the gun, and Tyler tried to step closer to the boy, but a sharp reprimand caused him to stop. ****  
** **

“Don't come any closer.” The fear fell out of his mouth like rain.  ****  
** **

“Is it loaded?" ****  
** **

“Yeah.” ****  
** **

“Josh,  _ please.” _ ****  
** **

“I don't want you to be here. I don't want you to save me. I don't want to be saved.”  ****  
** **

“You can't do this to me, Josh. To us.” ****  
** **

“I'm doing this  _ for  _ us.” ****  
** **

“How would you fucking  _ killing yourself  _ help anyone?” ****  
** **

“I hold you back.” He whispered, like it only meant for the inky water before him. “I just leech on and burden everyone with my never ending list of problems and mental triggers. I just… I hold everyone back. People would be better off without me.” ****  
** **

“Put the gun down, Josh.” Tyler pushed back the suffocating silence once more.  ****  
** **

“I'm so sick of pretending to be okay because I'm not and all I can think about is how much better it would be to be dead.” ****  
** **

“Does what we have mean nothing to you?”  _ Just keep him talking.  _ “All we've worked for?” ****  
** **

“It means everything to me, Tyler.” He said, still looking out over the lake. Tyler took a small step, unnoticed. ****  
** **

“So you're just going to throw it all away?” ****  
** **

“I would rather die than wake up tomorrow feeling this way. The guilt, the numbness.” He turned over his shoulder and looked at Tyler, the fire in his eyes, doused with ice water. There was a dullness there, nauseating and stubborn. He wasn't used to it.  ****  
** **

It was like Josh had crawled back into a far corner and no matter how hard Tyler tried, he was unreachable. He moved his eyes more slowly, like they were an cumbersome to shift. Tyler wanted to crack his usual jokes, saturate the air with his cunning sarcasm, but somewhere deep down he knew he couldn’t break the tension laced in the very molecules of the space. They were practically next to each other but Josh might as well be among the stars.  ****  
** **

Josh stood up now, fully facing him, and it was now that Tyler noticed the finished cigarette in his fingers. He pressed the lit end against right arm to put it out. ****  
** **

Tyler winced, but Josh didn't. ****  
** **

“You didn't call the police or anything before you got here, right?” He asked, staring at the gun, rolling his wrist and examining it with doe eyes. ****  
** **

“No,”  _ That would have been smart,  _ he internally cursed himself. “Why?” ****  
** **

“Nothing,” Josh smiled briefly, but it was so dead and practiced Tyler wondered how long he had been doing it for. “You should… get going.” ****  
** **

“No,” Tyler shook his head furiously. “I’m not going anywhere unless you’re coming with me.” 

“Then you’re going to be here for a while.” ****  
** **

“Why? Having trouble deciding? Not sure if you want to end it?” The slow burn of anger. “Just put the gun to head and shoot, Josh, then-” ****  
** **

“Stop, Ty-” ****  
** **

“Shoot the fucking gun, Josh. If you want to die so bad, leave everyone behind, you have your out. You have the gun. Fucking shoot-” ****  
** **

“P-please,” He whispered weakly. “Stop.” ****  
** **

All the emotion drained from his toes, puddling at his feet and dripping into the water below him. He took a deep breath. ****  
** **

“I can’t lose you like this, Josh.” He muttered, looking down. “How can you even-” He scoffed, as the words wouldn’t come. ****  
** **

“Most of the time I wish I was dead.” Josh supplied, tipping his head up. “I hate myself. I hate what I've done. I’m tired of this. My own thoughts are drowning me.” His eyes leaked a few white-hot tears and he sniffled. “But it’s not that simple. I care too much about what would happened if I died, if others would feel like they failed me. I’ve been here for probably hours, but with my thoughts, it feels like I don’t have enough time.” ****  
** **

“You can get better, Josh. We can try.  Please, we can get you help or something-” He was cut off by Josh shaking his head.  ****  
** **

“I don't even want to try anymore because it won’t work. Nothing will. No one needs to waste their resources on me. I’m good-for-nothing and that’s all I’ll ever be.” ****  
** **

“That’s not true.” ****  
** **

“I don't even know what’s wrong with me anymore. How do you fix a problem if you don’t even know what it is?” ****  
** **

“How would- Josh- I don't know!” Tyler growled in frustration. “You just have to keep trying. Please. There are so many people who would be hurt if you did- if you went through with this. You've heard that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, right?” ****  
** **

“But what if it never gets better?” Josh rubbed at his eyes. ****  
** **

Another step.  ****  
** **

“It might not get better today. Or tomorrow. Or even in five years. But it will get better, and you need to stay alive to experience it when it happens.” ****  
** **

“How can you be so positive, Tyler?” He looked back down at his shoes, tone disembodied and wavery. “Sixty-four days is all I have. There’s no time for hope.”  ****  
** **

“You’re making progress, Josh. You’re strong. You can survive this cancer and these feelings.”  ****  
** **

“Nobody knows that for sure. I could die now by my own hands or by a disease that’s a result of my mistakes. My life from here on in is the four walls of the hospital and pain medication until I die. I don't want any of it.” Josh’s fears were slipping out of his mouth unrestrained. “I’ve spent years telling myself that I’m getting better, but now everything’s just falling apart and I don’t know if I can see the end of this because everything just keeps getting  _ worse  _ and-” He took a shaky breath. “I just can’t do this anymore.” ****  
** **

“Things will change and you need to be alive to see.” Tyler pleaded. ****  
** **

“Have things gotten better for you?” ****  
** **

“That has nothing to do with-” ****  
** **

“Have they?” He insisted.  ****  
** **

“No.” Tyler broke eye contact for a split second. “I know what I say sometimes when I’m in the midst of it, and I sound like I’m on the road to suicide as well. But I’m not. I have faith and I have hope, and yes, it wanes from time to time, but I know I  _ want _ to live. It might feel impossible sometimes, like you’ve been walking for years and still can’t see the light, but you can push through it. I believe you can, and I wish you did too.” ****  
** **

“It will get better for you, Tyler, and that’s the difference between you and me. You’re a good, worthy person and you haven’t done anything wrong or… or  _ dirty  _ in your life.” ****  
** **

“What you’ve done doesn’t mean you’re not worthy to recover. It doesn’t matter what  _ he  _ made you do. He’s not here anymore to force you to-” ****  
** **

“Don’t say a word about him.” Josh snapped, his voice breaking near the end. He brought his hands up to cover his ears, breathing heavily.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s jaw snapped shut. ****  
** **

“I just want to stop thinking. I don’t want to feel anymore.” Josh squeezed his eyes together, ears still covered. Tyler took a step closer. “I used to get so high I couldn't think and it was wonderful. It was like I wasn’t me; a fucked-up piece of utter shit with way too many unfixable problems. Then I got cut off and then  _ withdrawals, _ and I was back to listening to my own destructive thoughts and  _ it’s killing me.” _ ****  
** **

Tyler had one or two more steps before he could wrestle the gun out of Josh’s hand and throw it far into the lake. He just had to make sure Josh kept talking, no matter how much it killed him to listen.  ****  
** **

“I came here to find a solution, but I only really have one thing on my mind.” He opened his eyes cautiously. ****  
** **

“To kill yourself?”  ****  
** **

A step.  ****  
** **

“Part of me wants to die tonight.” He said in a breath, somewhat sighing. “I kind of want it to be an accident. I also want someone to stop me, y’know?” ****  
** **

“I’m here for you, Josh. I’ve always been.” ****  
** **

“Bullshit.” He snarled, taking Tyler by surprise. “When it’s two in the morning, and I’m having one panic attack after another, wondering whether I should take my own life, I turn over in the same bed and find you fast asleep. You know all of the shit I do. If you cared, you might have noticed or stopped me. It’s okay if you didn’t know I guess, but don't you dare tell me that I’m not alone, while I’m standing here with a gun in my hand. And it hurts to know nobody cares about me, because I try so  _ fucking hard  _ but it seems like nothing I do is good enough for anybody.” ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler whispered, completely at a loss for words. He reached out, hands spread like a hug, and took another step towards him. He could see the sweat beading on the older’s forehead, smell the iron of the handgun in his hand. His limbs were shaking so bad it looked like he was having trouble standing. “Josh.” He repeated.  ****  
** **

“I'm sick of wanting to die.” He sniffled. “I'm sick of the fact that since I haven't killed myself, I do everything possible to get me as close to death. I'm sick of wanting to hurt myself. I'm sick of being high. I'm sick of  _ not _ being high. I'm sick of staying awake all night. I'm sick of feeling selfish. I'm sick of being me. If this is how my life is going to be, then I don’t want it anymore.”  ****  
** **

“Give me the gun, Josh.” ****  
** **

“I’m done trying. I’m done fighting. I give up.” ****  
** **

“Give me the-” ****  
** **

“I think I’ve reached the point where I’ve fought and I’ve tried so hard, but everything is crashing down to hell. And this time, I don't I have enough in me to fight back.” He raised the gun up to his temples, exhaling through upturned lips. When he at last looked Tyler in the eye, there was no trace of tears, only drying track marks on his reddening face. His eyes were calm, rigid, almost relieved, and in that moment Tyler knew he was already gone. ****  
** **

“Josh, you’re scaring me, just please, give me the-” ****  
** **

“I love you, Tyler.”  ****  
** **

“Josh, NO-” ****  
** **

The gun fired and the air shattered. The bullet tore through space and silence fell in its wake.  ****  
** **

Tyler screamed but his words were lost in the quiet. ****  
** **

The gun clattered to the ground. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me start of by saying this:
> 
> If you are looking for a sign not to hurt yourself tonight, this is it. I know a lot of you are struggling with heavy, heavy shit, but the world is a better place with you in it. My words are just words, and it would be a dream if I was able help someone who really needed to hear them. I'm not going to prattle on about silver linings and stuff, because it may get better, but it may also get worse. It's not going to be easy, but trust me, it's worth sticking around to see. 
> 
> To anyone out there who’s hurting, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It’s a sign of strength.
> 
> Stay alive, ||-//


	24. Chrysanthemums

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, I bet y'all love me right now, but I'm not that much of an asshole, I promise. Hope you all are doing okay.

Tyler's heart beat as if it would rather just stop and his brain was an unproductive fuzz.  ****  
** **

With his head smothered by his hands, he sat hunched over, spine twisted and splintered by the hard hospital chair. He hadn't cried yet, at least that much was an accomplishment, but he was barely holding back sobs as anxious mutters and wails of anguish filled the waiting room. Air barely left his lungs, and his body was trembling even with the effort it took to keep himself alive.  ****  
** **

Their last conversation haunted him, replaying in his head like an echo.  ****  
** **

He'd tried covering his ears, but Josh's hopeless words seemed to emanate from inside his bones, and Tyler couldn't shut them up even if he wanted to. Josh's confession, his own pleas, the gunshot, all bounced around in his head like ping pong balls. He gritted his teeth. ****  
** **

_ Josh's eyes rolled up and he collapsed to the ground.  _ ****  
** **

_ Tyler's ears were still ringing, vibrating, as he ran up his figure, pulling him back from the edge of the dock, shouting his name over and over again. His mind knew nothing else but, “Josh” and he continued to pant it as he laid the boy flat on his back. He fumbled for his phone with bloodstained hands, answering frantically and desperately, tears dripping into the corner of his mouth. _ ****  
** **

_ The bullet wound was oozing with dark blood that poured from his head with no sign of stopping.  _

_ He covered the hole with his hoodie, too scared to put any pressure, biting back bile rising his throat. He answered the operator, giving them as much information as possible with a trembling voice.  _ ****  
** **

_ Within seconds, or maybe hours, hands were pulling at his shoulders and he screamed, the air resounding with his own cries of panic. His vision was smeared, but he could make out people lifting Josh’s limp body off the ground, hurried footsteps moving about him. _ ****  
** **

_ He sat slumped on the ground, unmoving. He stared the pool of blood as it soaked into the wood. Some of the excess even dripped into the lake. Hands led him into a vehicle and coaxed him into the seat, and he just went along, too shocked to even think about being incomplaint.  _ ****  
** **

_ Loud sirens stung his ears, but they weren't deafening enough to drown out the yells of the paramedics in the back, trying to shock Josh's heart back to life. _ ****  
** **

Tyler could feel the color in his face drain, then the tremor in his hands began. His head became a little giddy and his stomach turned over on itself. He wanted to go ask anybody for news, for about the tenth time this hour, because knowing would better than being in the dark. All he could do though was to wait on the plastic chair until someone called for him. ****  
** **

Tyler didn’t get to tell him he loved him.  ****  
** **

It was dangerous to think about Josh as if he was already dead, but sitting in the waiting room for hours with no news squashed his hope with each passing minute. It was a bullet to the head, for god’s sake, it would be miraculous if Josh woke up and still had the ability to talk.  ****  
** **

The regret and the grief were already forming, piling on top the fear, the numbness, and the guilt. He’d been with Josh in what probably would be his final moments. He cursed himself for not pouncing on the other immediately, wrestling the gun away from his grip. He should’ve done that. Why didn’t he do that? Josh obviously wasn’t in the right state of mind to be talked down. He knew that. He had known that. The last semblance of the Josh he knew had been gone for weeks now, and he hadn’t fucking noticed.  ****  
** **

What kind bullshit was that?  ****  
** **

God, he was fucking mad, but he didn’t know at who. At Josh, for not reaching out? Himself, for not noticing? At God, for even making Josh suicidal in the first place? He didn’t fucking know. And all of the emotions were burning inside his gut and he didn’t know what to do, except to wait for everything to fall into place.  ****  
** **

And that started with finding out if Josh was even alive.   ****  
** **

His phone rung, and he winced, more than tired of looking at the bloodied device.  ****  
** **

He let it fizzle out into silence. It started ringing again.  ****  
** **

He picked it up.  ****  
** **

“Tyler?” The voice said, worried.  ****  
** **

“Yeah?” His voice broke. “What’s up, Zack?” ****  
** **

“Are you okay? You sound like you’re crying.” ****  
** **

“Why are you calling me?” He asked instead of answering. “It’s like, four in the morning.” ****  
** **

“Mom is freaking the hell out.” ****  
** **

“What for, dude?” He ran a hand across his face. ****  
** **

“She apparently went to check on you because she heard the car in the driveway or something, and then she found your room empty. Josh wasn’t there either, so she figured you guys went out of something. Then we waited a bit, and you’re still not home. Now she’s losing her shit because no one knows where you are.” He explained. “You’re okay, right? If you’re feeling  _ that way  _ again, Tyler, we can come get you, no judgement.” ****  
** **

Tyler said nothing.  ****  
** **

“Dude, we’re all scared, where are you?” ****  
** **

“Josh.” He whispered, trying to take deep breaths. ****  
** **

“Tyler.” Zack repeated. ****  
** **

“Hospital.” ****  
** **

The line went dead. 

****

*** ****  
** **

 

The pain that once burned like fire in Josh’s head faded into numbness.  ****  
** **

A dark emptiness filled his vision, and his eyelids weighed a hundred pounds. He could only hear his own heartbeat, and the ECD matching it. His breaths came in gasps. Something was on his face. ****  
** **

Voices. ****  
** **

He heard voices.  ****  
** **

People swarmed all over him, like bees, trying to help save him. If everything wasn’t so painful and simultaneously sluggish, he would’ve laughed. Surely they could tell that it was far too late for him to be saved. He couldn’t even register his own conscious thoughts. The despair and suffering of the world, he was so close to escaping. He would be able to leave all the pain behind.  ****  
** **

He let himself slip. 

****

***

****

The automatic door shut with a whirr, and the two people rushed towards him.  ****  
** **

No sooner had the door clicked shut, Tyler stood, knees almost immediately giving out. He was suddenly ten years younger and he just said, "Mom," before collapsed into a heap. ****  
** **

His mom scooped him up in her arms, stroking his hair as his breathing slowed. She didn’t say anything, and just held him with no questions. No tears slipped from his eyes, but his cheeks flushed warm. She could soothe him like no-one else, even her own breaths were deep and even. She stroked his hair and pulled him into her chest. She dragged him into a chair, and they sat down.  ****  
** **

He sniffled with the emotional restraint, patting at his face. Zack sat down next to them, his face creased with concern.  ****  
** **

“He- I don't know, mom.” He started.  ****  
** **

“Honey,” She continued to thread his hair. “You have to tell me what happened. Zack just told me we had to go to the hospital. Why are we here?” ****  
** **

“Josh, he-” Tyler took a breath. “I got a phone call, in the middle of the night and it woke me up and then Josh was gone. I figured out where he was, and he… god, mom.” ****  
** **

“What did he do, Tyler?” Zack asked. ****  
** **

“He… He shot himself.” Tyler took a breath. “And now we're here.” ****  
** **

“Oh, honey.” His mom whispered softly, hugging him tighter.  ****  
** **

She continued to stroke his back, instructing him to breathe, as he barely held himself together. He was trying desperately to glue the fragments of his heart together, but they kept breaking and breaking. So he just buried his face in his mother’s arms and tried to keep his sanity. ****  
** **

“Where’s dad?” He asked in a small voice. ****  
** **

“He didn’t want to come.” He could hear the grimace in her voice.  ****  
** **

“Figured you’d tried to off yourself again, and in his own intuitive words, ‘didn’t want to deal with that mental-fuck up shit.’” Zack scoffed.  ****  
** **

Tyler nodded, finally sitting up, rubbing at his eyes. His mom gave him a pitiful look, taking his hand in her own. ****  
** **

“Thanks, mom.” ****  
** **

She said nothing, instead giving the back of his hand a small kiss. He retrieved his almost dead phone out of his pocket, looking for anything to jumble his mind out of its destructive spiral. He scrolled through his texts, surfed through facebook, but eventually settled on sifting through his gallery, deleting unnecessary photos. He kept swiping until suddenly, his heart stopped and his thumb froze.  ****  
** **

It was an innocent picture, only taken two weeks or so before. Before all went to shit with argument after argument, worsened by tragedies falling upon them like spears.  ****  
** **

He remembered it clearly. Josh had just done his first dose of chemo, leaving him simultaneously exasperated and ravenously hungry. He also had been incredibly picky, turning his nose up at coffee and even taco bell. At Tyler’s offended expression, the other had merely laughed, placing a loving kiss on his lips and promising that the weird cravings would pass.  ****  
** **

They had made it a date; Tyler dressing in a short sleeve floral shirt and Josh snazzing it up with an orange button up and cream tie. His beard had been unshaven for the first time in weeks, thick and framing his face.  ****  
** **

They ended up heading to this weird restaurant, a small, cozy building, with faint overhanging lights and seats with patterned cushions. They had taken a booth, trying some type of soup at Josh’s adorable insistence. Tyler had snapped the photo when Josh had taken his first slurp, eyes wide with amusement and brown curls hanging in a mess of his head.  ****  
** **

A photograph, that was all it took for his restraint to dissolve. He clutched at his hair, pulling  _ hard _ . He took labored breaths through a clenched jaw. He felt a hand on his back. He looked past his own cloudy eyes and stared upon the boy’s face in the photo, caught in a moment of perfection. It was the happiest memories that hurt the worst. He focused in on Josh’s eyes, which were glistening with the twinkle of laughter that had been missing for so long. Now, they ridiculed him. They reminded him of what he could lose. He clutched the phone tight, pressing it hard to his chest, wishing that it was Josh’s head resting there.  ****  
** **

He was numb, but in agony. He wanted him back more than he’d ever wanted anything.   ****  
** **

“Uh… Mr. Joseph?” ****  
** **

Tyler shot up, immediately righting himself and fixing his posture. He tucked his phone into his pocket, almost dropping it, and if the situation hadn’t been so grim, Zack probably would’ve snorted at him.  ****  
** **

“Yes, any news, Lewis?” The man stood towering over him, wrinkles accentuated by the dark bags of tiredness forming underneath his soft gaze.  ****  
** **

“The receptionist told me that when you dropped Josh off, you had complaints of a sprained ankle?” ****  
** **

“Well yes- but how’s Josh? My ankle can wait, how is he?”  ****  
** **

“Josh is-” The doctor took a breath. “Josh is okay. He just came out of emergency surgery and we’re placing him in the ICU.” ****  
** **

The three of them all exhaled, the air filling with their quiet murmurs of their relief. ****  
** **

“But-” The air grew quiet again. “Actually, how about I take a look at your ankle and then we’ll talk about Josh in private, okay?” ****  
** **

Tyler gulped. ****  
** **

“Yeah… okay.”

****

***

****

The room Lewis had taken Tyler and his mother to was small, but spacious. It appeared as if someone had purposefully placed the furniture as of to maximize the space while still giving it a homey feel. The room seemed to be utilized only for bone sprains and breakages, if the numerous x-rays hanging in the walls were anything to go by.  ****  
** **

Tyler was sitting on a hard navy blue slab, his hurting ankle dangling off the ‘bed’ and occasionally grazing a small stool underneath it. Dr. Lewis was making casual small talk with Tyler’s mother, who was sitting behind him, half-heartedly engaging in the conversation.  ****  
** **

Dr. Lewis scribbled something on a sheet of paper, before tearing it out and handing it to Tyler.  ****  
** **

“Fortunately, the sprain is minor, so you don't be needing casting. You should rest it and keep it elevated above the level of your heart. If the swelling gets too bad or it hurts too much, you can go ahead and ice it. Just show that paper to your PE instructor so you don't have to participate for the week. Other than that, just be careful.”

“Thank you, sir. But-” ****  
** **

“You want to know how Josh is doing, right?” Lewis took off his glasses, massaging his closed eyes.  ****  
** **

“Yes.  _ Please. _ ” ****  
** **

“We have reports from our paramedics and police who were already in the area. You found him on public property?” ****  
** **

“Yes, but-” He could feel his mother's eyes boring into the back of his head. “My father's on good terms with the owner.” ****  
** **

“That makes sense.” The man nodded. “Apparently, about half an hour earlier, the owner had spotted a young man with a handgun at the location and called the cops, as he feared the young man, who we now know was Josh, might be a danger to himself. Do you know why the mortality rate of gunshots is so high?” ****  
** **

“He shot himself in the head. The brain. It’s an important organ.”

“No, it's blood loss. The likelihood of self inflicted gunshot wound to the head killing the person instantly is actually very low. Only about ninety percent.” ****  
** **

“That still seems pretty high-” ****  
** **

“What's really fatal is the  _ blood loss _ from the wound. If the victim does not die immediately, they have about two minutes before they lose too much blood. Your quick thinking to cover the wound without placing too much pressure and the paramedics being the vicinity, all played together to help Josh stay alive.” ****  
** **

Tyler sat back, slouching a bit. His head swam and rocked back and forth, veins pulsating. ****  
** **

“It seems as if Josh has never shot a gun before, and was not prepared for the mechanics and recoil of shooting a point blank range. When a gun is shot, air comes rushing out of it before the bullet leaves the barrel. The air pushed back against Josh's temple, ever so slightly shifting his already wobbly aim. The path of the bullet went through the tip of the frontal lobe on his right side, and exited the top of his head. I guess what I'm trying to say, Tyler, is that you did everything you could, which also helped Josh be alive as we speak.” ****  
** **

Tyler pressed his palms against his eyes until his vision turned fiery. His mother sniffed from behind him, and he turned to look at her, her face twisted with grief.  ****  
** **

“He's alive, that's good.” Tyler turned back to the doctor. “But this is his brain we're talking about here. His brain. How is this gonna affect him for the rest of his life? Just because he survived doesn’t mean that he’s going to have a high quality of life. Is he going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life?” His voice went quiet at the end. ****  
** **

“That's the thing, Tyler. We're not sure.”  ****  
** **

“What?” Tyler asked, bewildered. “What do you mean, you’re ‘not sure’?”  ****  
** **

His mother hissed behind him, poison on her lips, quickly apologizing to the doctor for Tyler’s tone.  ****  
** **

The man took a breath. “Josh is in a coma.” ****  
** **

Tyler sputtered on his tongue.  ****  
** **

HIs brain tripped over itself for a second, and his jaw dropped without his command. Every part of him paused while his thoughts struggled to get themselves together. The word bounced around in his skull. 

“C-coma?”  ****  
** **

“Yes. We have nurses finding out its severity as we speak.” ****  
** **

“But I thought you said-” ****  
** **

The door flung open violently before Tyler could finish his sentence. ****  
** **

Emerging from it were two new people Tyler was positive he'd never seen in his life, but somehow rung a bell in his mind. The girl, maybe a few years younger than himself, had her hair drawn back tightly into a low ponytail. Her face was stern and lips pursed, but her eyes carried a tiredness in them. Right behind her was a boy, only a year or two younger than her at most. His dark hair was a gnarled mess atop his head, and furled even more the farther back it went. His eyes were hard, black, carrying a deep hatred, but were creased with the worry of apprehension.  ****  
** **

“You're Dr. Lewis, right?” The boy panted, taking a couple deep breaths as if he'd run there. ****  
** **

“Yes,” Lewis turned to face them, “And you would be?” ****  
** **

“My name's Jordan, and this is Ashley. We're Josh's siblings.” ****  
** **

If all of the air hadn't been knocked out of Tyler's lungs before, they certainly had been now, as he struggled to inhale.  ****  
** **

Josh's siblings?  ****  
** **

The same ones who had stolen away with his disbelieving mother in the middle of night? Leaving Josh to bear the brunt of his father's rage? ****  
** **

Tyler should have been furious. ****  
** **

He should've screamed at them, berated them, blamed them for Josh’s cancer. Because obviously if they had accepted Josh for his sexuality, and taken him with them on their flight, then  _ obviously  _ Josh wouldn't have been as anxious as he was. And if he wasn't super anxious, he wouldn't have started smoking and wouldn't have developed such a severe cancer. ****  
** **

Not to even mention the renunciation. ****  
** **

Not once did they try to reach out to their older brother, not a phone call or otherwise. Josh never hesitated to mention how much he loved his family, and how much he missed his siblings. How he never blamed them for anything that happened, and how he wished they were happy and safe with their mother. But they  _ obviously  _ didn't feel the same, because, if they did, they might have tried to call him. ****  
** **

Tyler wanted to let them know all of these thoughts bouncing around in his head. His clenched fist by his side was more than ready to connect with one of their faces. ****  
** **

But then he looked up, and he saw their expressions. ****  
** **

Pain, worry, dread, exhaustion; the same sickening emotions swimming around in his own gut.  ****  
** **

One look was all it took for all the fighting spirit to drain from him.  ****  
** **

He sighed. ****  
** **

“Ah, Mr. Dun-” Lewis started.  ****  
** **

“Please, just call me Jordan. Mr. Dun is my… late father's name.”

“My apologies, Jordan.”  The man nodded understandingly. “And I assume you two came for for information about Josh?” ****  
** **

“Yes, please tell us how he's doing.” The other one, Ashley, piped up. “We've asked so many other nurses and no one will tell us anything about him.” ****  
** **

He turned away as Dr. Lewis began to recap the same information to the two.  ****  
** **

The resemblance between them was uncanny, sickeningly so. From the messy deep brown curls on Jordan's head, to the light freckles on Ashley's nose, there was no doubt they were family. No mistaking it. It hurt to see so much of Josh in them. The resemblance stung because the next time he could see his boyfriend’s face could be in a casket. He almost wondered how Josh would react upon seeing them. Would he be happy, relieved, or perhaps angry and closed off? After all, he hadn't seen them in years. Four dark, lonely, abuse-filled years.  ****  
** **

Tyler was jolted back into awareness when he caught the gaze of two teary, broken eyes, looking straight into his soul. Jordan spoke slowly, evidently trying to keep is voice even, but it cracked every few words.  ****  
** **

“Thank you so much.” ****  
** **

“What for?” Tyler responded quickly. “I haven’t done anything ” ****  
** **

“You-” He took a breath, the tears pooling in his eyes finally falling down his cheeks. “You saved my brother's life.” ****  
** **

“No, uh,” He shook his head, looking back down at his laces. “I don't think I saved-” ****  
** **

“Just-” Jordan interrupted, sighing quietly.  ****  
** **

He walked up to Tyler slowly and hesitantly pulled them together, awkwardly wrapping his arms around Tyler’s body. It was awkward and unplanned, with him sitting and Jordan standing, and Tyler’s face being pushed into a practical stranger’s chest. But Jordan’s embrace was warm, and when Tyler eventually returned it, Tyler knew it was way more than just perfunctory gesture.  ****  
** **

Jordan understood.  ****  
** **

Jordan understood the emptiness in his heart, a shear nothingness that was eating away at him.  The hole in heart even though Josh wasn’t gone for sure, but just the fear that he might be soon. It was like this hug split the weight on Tyler’s shoulders, and suddenly the unknown of the future wasn’t so scary. He no longer felt the need to wipe away the non-existent tears that he wanted, but couldn’t form.  ****  
** **

He felt like he wasn’t alone.

****

***

****

After a long, difficult night the sight of daybreak brought tingles of warmth across Tyler’s skin. The golden, rosy light softly brushed the neighborhood and stirred the melodies of the first few wandering birds.  ****  
** **

Tyler sat down on the edge of his empty bed, running a hand through his hair. It was still wet from his shower.  ****  
** **

Just seven hours before, his life turned upside down.  ****  
** **

He didn’t want to think.  ****  
** **

He picked up his cell phone, dialing a number and pressing it to his ear.  ****  
** **

_ “Tyler?” _ ****  
** **

“Yeah. Hey, Jordan, it’s me. Did you guys get to the hotel safe?” ****  
** **

_ “Yeah, just checked in.” _ ****  
** **

“And it’s nice?” ****  
** **

_ “Just a small one. But it’s not too shabby.” _ ****  
** **

Tyler’s ability to create small talk had died out, so he just took a breath for courage and stopped beating around the bush. ****  
** **

“How’re you holding up? We’re just kinda waiting for him to wake up at this point.” ****  
** **

_ “Yeah… we’re just trying to get through the rest of this day. It’s just… I’ve missed him so much over these years, y’know? And after dad died and we got the news, we decided that we would sneak away from my mom and come down here and see him. Then we were part way through the drive, we got the call that he was in the hospital. It’s hard to get news like that.” _ ****  
** **

“Yeah, I can imagine.” Tyler massaged the back of his neck.  ****  
** **

_ “You found him though. Thank you for that, again.” _ ****  
** **

“I didn’t save him. He’s still in the hospital. There’s no reason to thank-” ****  
** **

_ “I want to thank you though, Tyler. Ashley and I both. You can’t beat yourself up, there’s no way you could have seen this coming.” _ ****  
** **

“Seriously, it’s no-” Tyler stopped, just letting it go. “Where’s your mom? She didn’t want to come?” ****  
** **

_ “Not in the slightest.”  _ He huffed, almost sarcastically in a way.  _ “She still hates him. She even thinks he somehow caused our dad’s suicide.” _ ****  
** **

“Why didn’t you ever come to visit? Like, you all of sudden decided that the death of your dad was a good reason to come see him?” ****  
** **

_ “I’m assuming you know what my dad was like.”  _ Jordan sighed, probably for the twentieth time that night.  _ “When we all lived together when our parents started fighting, Josh always protected us. He always put himself in the way to make sure we never got hurt by our father, or yelled at by my mom.”  _ He sniffled.  _ “But honestly, I never came down here because… well, I was scared. It’s extremely selfish, I know. My dad scared me shitless. I think he scared everyone shitless. I went with my mom because I was young, and impressionable, and felt safer with her than my dad. I hated her everyday for leaving Josh behind. And now that my dad is dead, I feel a little better about coming back.” _ ****  
** **

“Wait, so,” Tyler pushed his tired brain to at least try to connect dots. “You didn’t hate Josh for being bi?” ****  
** **

_ “Of course not.”  _ Jordan gave a weak chuckle.  _ “Yeah, sure, my parents did, but all three of us kids thought Josh was a hero. And who he spends his life doesn’t really bother me, guy or girl. It doesn’t change the amount of respect I have for him either way.” _

“Wow, I just… this doesn’t even feel real right now. And not it that good, high-out-of-my-mind kind of way.” ****  
** **

_ “Tell me about it, man.”  _ Jordan snorted.  _ “But you're Josh’s boyfriend, right?” _ ****  
** **

Tyler hesitated. Would Josh want to tell his brother? In truth, it was always Tyler who was extremely cautious about who knew about their relationship. Josh was never overly secretive about them, only respectful of Tyler’s wishes and boundaries. Except, Jordan wasn’t a passing stranger or a random kid at school. He was Josh’s brother, one who he hadn’t seen in  _ years,  _ so maybe in this instance, Josh would want to keep his private life, well, private.  ****  
** **

_ “Yeah, okay, so you totally are.”  _ Jordan laughed, picking up on Tyler’s lack of a response. The light sound made Tyler’s chest feel a little less heavy.  _ “I’m happy for him. And you, to be honest, Josh is a catch.” _ ****  
** **

“Yeah, he is.” Tyler chuckled.  ****  
** **

_ “I just wished I could’ve told him that earlier.”  _ He whispered in an exhale, almost as if he didn’t really intend to say it.  ****  
** **

“He's still alive. You'll have your chance to tell him.” ****  
** **

_ “Will he even want to see me? I mean, we pretty much abandoned him.” _ ****  
** **

“Josh loves you guys. So much. He’s told me that more time than I can count, and trust me, he doesn’t blame you guys a bit for going with your mom. He’ll be so happy to see you guys  _ when _ he wakes up.” ****  
** **

_ “When?” _ ****  
** **

“Yeah. When.” ****  
** **

_ “You’re so fucking hopeful, dude. I really wish it does end up being a ‘when’ and not an ‘if.’”  _ Jordan sighed again, slower, more tiredly this time.  _ “Well, I’m going to go catch up on some long overdue sleep. You should probably do the same. It’s been a long night.” _ ****  
** **

“I’ll try.” ****  
** **

They said their goodbyes and Tyler hung up the phone, placing it on his nightstand and plugging it into the wall. He rolled back on his bed, finally allowing his muscles to relax, and only then did he realize how tense they had been for the past seven hours. He pulled the comforter over his body, not really planning on getting any sleep.  ****  
** **

The first orange hued rays of sunrise danced across the smudged glass of the window, barely seeping into the room. The orange creeped on the hardwood like hellfire, slowly but deliberately spreading to all of the surfaces in the room. The soft rays should have brought him warmth and hope, as if he were turning over a new leaf. Instead, they sent a jarring fear through his bones, because the birth of a new day was not an opportunity to restart in spite of yesterday’s misfortune, it was the knowledge that all of the tragedy of today would resume as soon as his brain blinked back into consciousness.   ****  
** **

It was grimness, desolation, and lifelessness blooming inside of him as the sun rose, just as the blood-red chrysanthemums outside bloomed in its rays.  ****  
** **

It was a new day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like apologize for this chapter, it's not one of my favorites. It was shoddy and kind of rushed at the end, but I felt like I had to get this out for you guys. It was kind of a transition into the next little 'arc' and I hope you guys liked it. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me.


	25. Unintended Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> life's hard.

“I love you.” ****  
** **

The words were on Tyler's lips as he woke.  ****  
** **

He turned over and, of course, found his bed cold and lonely. It had been a regular occurrence every morning over the last five days since the attempt

to wake up, and immediately yearn for the warm body that was supposed to be next to him. He missed the muscular arm that he dreamed was wrapped tightly around him, hugging him close. The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the very marrow of Tyler's bones. ****  
** **

He stopped to dwell for just a fraction of a second, not quite willing to get out of bed yet, only to have the sides of his eyes sting with the onslaught of uncried tears. He could never understand why God would give him someone so good only to try snatch him away again, leaving his chest raw and bleeding. It was cruel that the sun continued to rise, to sprout in each new day, yet devoid of his love’s laughter or even his grumpy complaints and sarcasm.   ****  
** **

He never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of his being. It was like he was just a wet towel, wrung over and over, until there was nothing left in him. It was a torment he was unprepared for. ****  
** **

He rolled out of bed, shutting off his alarm clock before it rang, and crawled to his bathroom. ****  
** **

Staring blankly at his reflection in the wide bathroom mirror, he was a bit taken aback. He looked okay, maybe even normal was passable. He was presentable, and maybe with a couple lies here and there no one would notice his soul flatlining. Inside of him, the ache for  _ Josh  _ gnawed at his stupidly beating heart, liking a worm burrowing into the core of a rotten apple. He pulled his lips into a smile, watching his reflection mirror, and let out a shaky sigh upon realizing that anyone could easily mistake this lackluster grin for real happiness. ****  
** **

It was okay though, he supposed, because his happiness wasn't supposed to depend on the longevity of another person. He could be sad, terrified, that Josh was in a coma, with no signs of waking up anytime soon, but he couldn't let it push him back into another episode. ****  
** **

But the truth was he would go through ten thousand more depressive episodes if it meant that Josh would be okay. A million, if Josh would end up being happy. ****  
** **

He trudged downstairs to find something to eat, even though his stomach felt like the waters of a raging sea. ****  
** **

As it turned out, he was late, as every member of his family (except his dad, of course) was seated at the table, already eating. They glanced up at him with dark, pity filled eyes, and he scoffed, sinking into his seat and ignoring their cautious greetings. He picked up his fork reluctantly and began working on some eggs.  ****  
** **

His eyes wandered to the empty seat next to him. Suddenly it was hard to swallow.  ****  
** **

Every food tasted of cardboard. No amount of chewing made it more palpable to eat.  His mouth was drier that the Sahara in the summer. ****  
** **

He pushed his plate back, choking back tears and maybe a bit of vomit, and slinked upstairs.  ****  
** **

The memories were suffocating him.

****

*** ****  
** **

 

Tyler was picking at his lunch lamely when he heard his name being called. ****  
** **

“Tyler? Are you good, man?” Dallon was looking at him, eyebrow raised.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.” He waved his hand vaguely in the air. “What were you saying?” ****  
** **

“We were just asking about Josh. Like you said he got hospitalized for something but hasn't answered mine of Brendon's texts for a month. We're just worried.” ****  
** **

He might as well come clean.  ****  
** **

“Josh…” His voice faded into quiet as he failed to muster the courage. ****  
** **

“Yeah?” Brendon said, his eyes narrowing. ****  
** **

“He has cancer.” ****  
** **

Neither of the boys sitting across from him said anything. Like all of the oxygen got sucked out of the air.  ****  
** **

“Also,” Tyler continued, just hoping to get some of the weight off his chest. “Five days ago he tried to kill himself and he's been a coma ever since.” ****  
** **

At this, Brendon stood up, standing over Tyler. ****  
** **

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” He asked quietly. ****  
** **

“Dead serious.” Tyler confirmed. ****  
** **

“What the actual  _ fuck,  _ Tyler?” His tone turned deadly, louder. ****  
** **

“What?” Tyler cocked his head to the side, mockingly. ****  
** **

“Josh has cancer, just tried to kill himself, and is  _ fucking  _ coma right now and you didn't think to tell us?” ****  
** **

“It isn't really any of your business though. I don't think Josh would appreciate me telling his private life to just anybody, especially at this school.” ****  
** **

“Dallon and I aren't just anyone. We're his friends for God's sake!” ****  
** **

“Yeah, well,” Tyler shrugged. “What's done is done. Sorry for not telling you, I guess.” ****  
** **

“Sorry won't cut it.” Brendon scoffed, fists clenching by his sides.  ****  
** **

“Why not? Look, dude I'm tired, okay? It's been a long night with-” ****  
** **

“My friend is dying. God, I can't believe this is really happening.” Brendon ran a hand over his face. “How long have you known?” ****  
** **

“A month.” ****  
** **

“How… how long does he have left?” ****  
** **

“A little under two.” ****  
** **

“God,” He said again. “To think, all this time, he's been dying and I haven't known. Because of you, Tyler, I didn't get the chance to make these last few months with him mean anything.  What if he had died I never even got the chance to say goodbye? Would you have told me then even though it was too late?” ****  
** **

Tyler couldn't find the words to argue back, for once. ****  
** **

Brendon scoffed, picking up his backpack and storming out of the cafeteria.  ****  
** **

Dallon gave him an almost unnoticeable, disappointed shake of his head, before getting up and chasing after his boyfriend.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s appetite was gone. 

****

*** ****  
** **

 

Tyler really needed to stop coming to the roof.  ****  
** **

The leaves skidded over the ground and took small flights into the air, twirling slightly right before floating gently to the ground. As he tossed his head back and raised his eyes to the sky, a small smile formed in his mind but failed to play on his lips. ****  
** **

But it was nice, to feel the spring breeze push and pull at the locks of his hair. Up there, it was like looking down at the world. He could see the trees, the flowers, the cars, and the many busy people going on about the day. Up there, he could be out of touch with reality for a moment, he could take a step back and simply just observe the happenings of the world below him.  ****  
** **

Part of him wanted to try to write something. Part of him wanted to finish the song he'd written for Josh. Yet another part of him wanted to collapse into a heap on the damp ground and cry till his voice was raw.  ****  
** **

He couldn't decide so, instead he continued blankly staring at the moving people on the sidewalk. They looked like spots from up there. ****  
** **

It was weird to think that every passerby he saw, had their own lives and dreams and struggles. each person was living a life as vivid and complex as his own, formed by their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness. It was an epic story that continued invisibly around him.  ****  
** **

He wasn't the only one suffering. ****  
** **

Tyler jumped a bit when the door to the roof burst open. ****  
** **

“Jenna,” He shifted, sitting on his palms. “What are you doing up here?” ****  
** **

“Oh,” She walked up to him. “I just saw you come up here and you looked upset. Decided to come check on you.” She took a seat next to him, criss-cross. “Prom’s coming up y’know. Like in three weeks or something like that.”  ****  
** **

“Jenna, look-” ****  
** **

“I’m not here to try to… ‘get with you’ you.” ****  
** **

“What?” Tyler wasn’t sure he was hearing things right.  ****  
** **

“Way to be humble, Tyler.” She snorted, but it was endearing. “But no, I’m not. I was just trying to make casual conversation.” ****  
** **

“Jenna, I'm sorry.” He said, looking back down at the sidewalk. “I never told you I didn’t feel the same. It was cowardly… and I think I led you on. It wasn’t right, and it really isn’t right for me to be asking you to forgive me.” He looked back up. “The thing is, I hope we can end up being friends. You were one of my best ones. You were always there for me when I needed. And now, I really need somebody.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, I figured you didn't like me. Last time I kissed you at the party, you threw up.” She laughed it off, but Tyler felt his ears go red. ****  
** **

“Yeah, uh, sorry about that.” ****  
** **

“No worries.” She smiled warmly. “But… I wanted to apologize for something too.” ****  
** **

“What for?” ****  
** **

“The handjob.” She blurted. “I'm sorry I didn't ask first. Everyone kinda just thought we were perfect for one another, so I just assumed you wanted it and I'm sorry. I felt so guilty after doing it because you obviously didn’t enjoy it and I wanted to apologize but then you quit SC and I thought you would never forgive me. At the party, it was stupid of me to kiss you, but I think a small part of me still hoped you liked me. It's just that-” ****  
** **

“Jenna.” He cut off her rambling. Her apologetic ranting was so reminiscent of a habit of Josh's, it hurt. “Apology accepted.” ****  
** **

“Really?” Her eyes twinkled.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, it's not your fault. You're not a mind reader, I should've more clear in telling you to stop. And it seems you got the message anyway. Seriously, it's all in the past now.” ****  
** **

“Thanks, Tyler. You're so sweet. No wonder you swept ten girls off their feet without even trying.” ****  
** **

He laughed awkwardly to fill the space in the air. His phone rang in his pocket and he muted it, trying to enjoy a few more moments of tranquility before returning to the real world. ****  
** **

“Why are you up here anyway?”  ****  
** **

“I don't really know.” Came his response.  ****  
** **

“You're sad.” She pointed out. “You only come up here when you're sad.” ****  
** **

“I guess.” ****  
** **

“What are you sad about?” ****  
** **

Tyler stiffened militarily and cleared his throat. “Jenna, you don't have to-” ****  
** **

“I  _ want  _ to, Tyler. And in the spirit of our new friendship, let me help you.” ****  
** **

He broke down. ****  
** **

Everything came rushing out of him like waves crashing down to shore. Every pent up emotion he'd been pushing down bubbled up, in the torrent of words clambering out his mouth. The regret usually would come to him in quiet moments, such as when he was going to sleep or took a break to think about his assignments. It would seep to the foreground of his mind, and demand his attention over and over again. But now it was pouring out of him ceaselessly. ****  
** **

He hadn't actually cried since the attempt, but with all of the regret and worries finally coming to the surface, he couldn't help the few tears that pooled in his eyes.  ****  
** **

He was just so fucking drained, and no matter how much his heart hurt and wanted to bawl, his body simply wouldn't allow it. None of the tears would fall, and it only made him choke more on his own weak, tearless sobs.  ****  
** **

He eventually was able to calm his gasping breaths, turning them into quiet, uneven shudders accompanying his trembling. Even though his body was trying to shake the pain out of his bones, he felt lighter. It was like back when they were friends and she had always been there for him, before all of the confusing feelings, or rather, lack thereof.  ****  
** **

He sniffled, and Jenna rubbed small circles into his back. The simple touch sent a wave of birds coursing through his veins, their fluttering wings easing the dread that had settled inside him. His phone started vibrating in his pocket and he groaned, causing her to chuckle softly. He picked it up this time.  ****  
** **

“Hello?” ****  
** **

_ “Tyler! It’s me, Lewis. Jesus, I have trying to get in touch with you for God knows how long.” _ ****  
** **

“Why?” He briefly made eye contact with Jenna. “Is something wrong?” ****  
** **

_ “We think Josh is waking up.” _

****

*** ****  
** **

 

Tyler ran through the hospital doors. ****  
** **

His mother wasn't that far behind him, having had to stay behind a bit to lock the car and such. ****  
** **

Truly, Tyler would have preferred to go alone, but after his car had refused to start a couple of days ago, he had no choice but to wait until his mom got off work to take him.  ****  
** **

It had been hours since he'd gotten that phone call on the roof, and twined fear, desperation, and hope were snaking up his spine and pulling at his heartstrings. ****  
** **

He stumbled up to the front desk. ****  
** **

“Josh Dun.” ****  
** **

The receptionist barely looked up from her computer. “Is that your name or the person you're here to see?” She asked flatly.  ****  
** **

“Look-” He growled, but his mother put a firm hand on his shoulder, silencing him.  ****  
** **

“We're here to see him.” She said for him.  ****  
** **

The nurse’s eyes scanned across the screen before she looked back up at them. ****  
** **

“Mr. Dun has visitors at the moment, and they are his family, so of course they get priority. Visiting ends in a couple of hours anyway.” ****  
** **

“Is there anyway Tyler can see him before then?” ****  
** **

“I don't think there-” She took one look at him and sighed. “I'm not sure,  _ but  _ I can ask one of the nurses to ask the visitors if they have room for one more.” ****  
** **

“Thank you.” His mom filled in, and the nurse nodded. ****  
** **

They walked back to the waiting room, taking two adjacent chairs, and Tyler buried his head in his hands.  ****  
** **

How could he be so selfish? ****  
** **

In his haste to finally see Josh, to be with him, he’d forgotten that there were others more important than himself. Josh had a family, one who had been waiting years simply to meet him again. He'd forgotten all of heartfelt and tearful conversations he’d shared with Jordan, simply blinded by a probably misplaced hope. ****  
** **

So he sat, his leg bouncing, eyes trained on the floor. ****  
** **

Would he even be happy to see Josh awake? ****  
** **

It had been too much over the last few months. All of the emotions and repressed reactions were climbing up his throat like bile, and he’d just been swallowing them down. And in spite of the feelings clogged in chest, he couldn’t force anything out on paper. He’d been in some sort creative funk, some weird form of writer’s block. Since the cancer diagnosis, he’d had no short of depressing thoughts for fuel but they wouldn’t translate onto paper. Smoke was in his lungs and fog in his mind.  ****  
** **

He was beginning to think that he maybe made a huge mistake rejecting that scholarship.  ****  
** **

If he couldn’t write when Josh was alive, he couldn’t fathom even picking up pen ever again. He was just so fucking drained of trying, and the one single thing he was good at, his mind simply wasn’t letting him do it. He was tired, and he was numb. And he was so sick of existing in a world where tragedy stuck to him like a leech, and instead of blood, it sucked his will to live away. ****  
** **

A hand on his shoulder brought him back.  ****  
** **

“You wanted to see Josh?” A brown haired boy was standing over him, his drooping locks matted and dull. Jordan’s skin was so pale it had a waxy appearance that, at first, Tyler thought he might’ve been dead.  ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “But you guys are family, of course. Take as much time as you need.” ****  
** **

“No, it’s-” He took a breath. “It’s fine. We’ve been here since we got the call at noon. You’re practically family at this point, so yeah… you should go see him.” ****  
** **

“Is he… is he awake yet?” ****  
** **

“Yeah, a couple hours ago.” ****  
** **

“How is he?” Tyler squeaked out.  ****  
** **

“He’s fine.” Jordan nodded a few times, exaggerated, affirming nobody in particular. ****  
** **

“You sure?” Tyler perked an eyebrow.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah. But-” Jordan’s grip got tight on his arm. “He can’t speak.”

****

***

****

Tyler rested his head on the cool blue of the room’s door.  ****  
** **

He clasped the notepad and pen tighter in his hand.  ****  
** **

He pushed into the room. ****  
** **

Josh lay in the hospital bed, eyes fixed on the window directly beside his bed.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s heart fell right through his sneakers. ****  
** **

Her eyes walked from one injury to another, taking in the gore that was this boy in front of him. His face was framed by thick bandages that wrapped all the way around his head, from his chin to the top of his now peach-fuzz head. His skull wasn’t exactly smooth anymore, it had a small, almost unnoticeable depression, like a valley. It was slightly obscured by gauze. His right eye was swollen to the point where he couldn’t be seeing a thing out of it, and he probably wouldn’t be for a long while. His face still bore congealed blood, and the hospital gown, speckled with baby blue spots, surely hid the rest of the marks.  ****  
** **

Josh’s eyes were still trained on the window, his heavy eyelids too slow to blink. It had to be some spectacular view.  ****  
** **

It was as if his brain was suffering some kind of short circuit, and was shutting down, only to reboot again shortly. Tyler moved into his line of sight, touching his cheek with the side of his thumb, his lips forming a pensive grimace. Josh’s head tilted upward to his face, his eyes sliding into focus.  ****  
** **

“I’m here." Tyler said, once in a quiet tone.  ****  
** **

Josh’s eyes got that wide look, his bottom lip trembling and Tyler relaxed to sit by his bedside. Then Josh tried to say something, his cracked lips failing at the first syllable, and it came out as just gasp and a salad of sound.  ****  
** **

He looked away, eyes wetting within a matter of seconds. ****  
** **

“Hey.” Tyler gave a weak smile, but Josh refused to meet his eyes again. “Look at me.” ****  
** **

His eyes were hickory, as they always were, but the playful, mischievous glint that usually hid was gone altogether.  ****  
** **

Tyler sighed, pushing the notepad and pad into Josh’s lap.  ****  
** **

He picked them up, jotting something down, before passing it back to Tyler.  ****  
** **

_ I'm sorry. _ ****  
** **

The shapes of the letters were strong, written with expertise and practice, but there was a strange lack of confidence in those symmetrical lines. ****  
** **

“It’s okay.” Tyler rushed out before he could stop himself. It wasn’t okay. It was so damn far from okay. “How do you feel?” ****  
** **

Tyler noted his hands shaking as he wrote. ****  
** **

_ Stoned.  _ ****  
** **

Tyler snorted, and Josh leaned back into his bed a little, the atmosphere lightening.  ****  
** **

“Does your head hurt?” ****  
** **

_ Surprisingly, for having a damn bullet jammed up there, it doesn’t. _ ****  
** **

Tyler hummed. Their fingers intertwined wordlessly on the blanket. His palms were callused and raw, like he'd had a difficult life and worked twice as hard for everything he had. Fitting. ****  
** **

“Why can’t you speak?” Tyler spoke gently, not knowing if it could be a trigger of some sort.  ****  
** **

_ Not sure. The words form fine in my brain but they come out like messed up. Sometimes they don't even come out at all.  _ ****  
** **

Tyler nodded. “How was seeing Jordan?” ****  
** **

_ Oh, you’ve met? But yeah, it was great. I’ve missed him and Ash a lot. _ ****  
** **

“And, if your attempt worked, you would have never seen them.” Tyler played with his free hand. It had a clip hooked on it, linked to the monstrous machine next to the bed. ****  
** **

_ I don’t regret it though. _ ****  
** **

“I don’t blame you, strangely.” Tyler stayed silent for a bit. “We could’ve lost everything. I could have lost you. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.” ****  
** **

_ It’s not your fault. I would never hurt you. I love you.  _ ****  
** **

“No, you don’t.” Tyler sighed again, slower this time. “No, you don’t.” ****  
** **

_ I’ve waited so long to be able say it. I love you.  _ The pen almost tore the paper. ****  
** **

“You can’t love me if you hate yourself enough to put a bullet through your skull.” There. It was out. ****  
** **

Josh didn’t even make a move to pick up the pen, so Tyler continued.  ****  
** **

“You have needs, so many of them. For the most part I've always worked hard to make you happy. But I can’t do it anymore, Josh. I saw you were struggling, and what did I do? I swept it under the rug because it’s easier than facing the fact that you wanted to die and I knew it.” Tyler broke eye contact. “It was stupid and foolish of me to think you would magically get better or that I could love your mental illness away.” ****  
** **

Josh’s face twisted in protest but Tyler cut him off.  ****  
** **

“No, Josh. You’re suffering, and there’s no shame in that. I just… wish you’d told me.” ****  
** **

He eventually picked up the pen again.  ****  
** **

_ I don’t need a shrink. You’re enough. _ ****  
** **

“No, stop. I know I’m not.” ****  
** **

_ They’ve got me locked up like some kind of crazy person. My feet chained to the damn bed railing, Ty, like I’m gonna break out start killing people. I’m not crazy, I don’t need help. I’m fine.  _ ****  
** **

“For the love of God!” Tyler shrieked, his temper escaping him. “You are not fine! Stop lying to me, I’m sick of it. You aren’t fine, you have to let people help you.” ****  
** **

Tyler regretted making Josh cry as soon as the words had leapt from him lips but the anger lingered regardless. It needed to be said.  ****  
** **

“You just tried to fucking kill yourself, and you’re really gonna try and bullshit me again. I was stupid enough to fall for it once. You need help, Josh. From someone who knows what they’re doing. Please, I love you too much to let you continue to deal with your mind alone.” ****  
** **

_ I don’t deserve it. You.  _ ****  
** **

The words were a little off kilter this time, but it was to write with teary eyes.  ****  
** **

“I can’t take it.” Tyler muttered. “I can’t bear the fact that this world fucked you up so bad you can’t believe someone loves you." ****  
** **

_ I can’t believe someone like you can love me, because I don’t deserve it. _ ****  
** **

“Let’s make things clear here and now: the one that doesn't deserve being lucky here is me. With you I hit the fucking jackpot, so don’t tell me again that you can’t believe me. You’re a fucking miracle and I thank the universe everyday not only for having you in my life, but for letting you keep going with the shit you had to face all alone.” Tyler sucked in a huge breath.  "You're not alone anymore. And you'll never be again." ****  
** **

Josh took his lip into his mouth, his dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears. His hand clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle with his own thoughts. ****  
** **

Tyler squeezed his hand back, waiting patiently as Josh began to write again.  ****  
** **

_ Okay.  _ ****  
** **

Tyler pulled Josh into his chest, resting his chin on the top of his head. The bandages pricked his chin but it didn’t matter. He felt a stinging in his nose and his throat started to tighten. He opened his mouth to let in a small breath as tears welled in his eyes. ****  
** **

It felt so good to cry. 

****

***

****

Lewis burst through the door.  ****  
** **

Josh was lying back down, as crying had taken a lot out of him. Tyler just watched over him as he had groaned softly, the meds apparently wearing off. His eyelids had been drooping slightly until the door opened.  ****  
** **

“Gentlemen,” He greeted them both, eyes scanning over his clipboard. “We have to talk.” ****  
** **

“Is something wrong?” Tyler asked. Josh started to sit up in his bed.  ****  
** **

“Very.” Lewis said, no sugarcoating, taking both of them by surprise.  ****  
** **

“Well,” Tyler’s brain struggled to keep up. “What is it?” ****  
** **

“In light of recent events,” Lewis’ eyes briefly locked on Josh. “My team and I are worried about the treatment plan from here on out. Or lack of one.” ****  
** **

“What?” ****  
** **

“Let me try to sum this up as best I can: Josh wasn’t in very good physical state before… um, his admission a few days ago. Josh tested positive for high doses of many drugs over the last month, and the effects of them are really apparent on your body. Because of the now added strain, we can’t logically or morally continue with chemotherapy or radiation. Your body’s too weak, Josh.”

****

Tyler removed his hand from Josh’s.  ****  
** **

“My team and I are completely at a loss for a plan of action to combat the cancer. We have no idea what we could do that your body could handle without shutting down. Chemotherapy was working, Josh; your liver is completely cancer free. But, as for your lung, we have no idea on what to do.” ****  
** **

After the announcement Josh's eyes were as immobile as the rest of his face, as if news like that was impossible to absorb. He was frozen for maybe three whole seconds before the corners of his mouth resumed their usual indifference and his gaze wandered down. ****  
** **

Lewis sighed. “I would love to stay and work out the details with you, but I have to go. I am needed elsewhere. But know that my team is going to work tirelessly until we find a solution. You will get through this.” ****  
** **

And with that, he left.  ****  
** **

“Unintended consequences, huh?” Tyler spat. Josh passed the notepad to him.  ****  
** **

_ Yeah. _ ****  
** **

“That’s all you have to say?” Tyler stood. “You just threw away your only fucking chance to get better! To live, and that’s all you have to say? We could have had something, Josh. Look, I’ve been trying so  _ fucking  _ hard to be positive and shit, but fuck it, you’re going to die. In two months.This cancer is going to kill you. It’s your own fucking fault too. Nobody’s but your own. You should’ve known that shooting yourself, putting a damn bullet  _ in your brain _ could have caused something like this. You had a chance to live past these last 59 days. We had a chance to maybe pursue a future together. But now guess what? You just… You just-” He sighed. “You know what? Forget it.” ****  
** **

He began to walk away, but he felt a wrist snake around his own. He turned around, venom and anger in his heart, tearing his hand out of Josh’s grip.  ****  
** **

He slammed the door shut. He fell to his knees.  ****  
** **

Tyler cried as if the ferocity of it might change the past; as if by the sheer force of his grief, the news would be undone. ****  
** **

It just was not so. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for posting this chapter so late, but life's really been kicking my ass lately. I also apologize for the poorer than usual quality of this and the last few chapters. i'm really having doubts about the pacing, so i would really, really, appreciate feedback and stuff. thanks for sticking with me.


	26. Whisper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late on updating, sorry you guys. I hope this chapter (it's a longer one) is enough to make up for the delay. It's definitely one of my favorites. Enjoy!

Josh delicately ran his fingers along the silken mattress.  ****  
** **

He pressed his cheek to the cool, velvet pillows, sighing into it. The comforter was thick and irresistibly soft, like a billowing cloud, nothing like the hospital bed he'd been sleeping on for God knows how long. Warmth and darkness enveloped him.  ****  
** **

The afternoon sun, which was at the peak of its brightness, prevented the room from being completely dark, but it didn't really bother Josh. Even though he was completely alone in a house that was not his, at was at least ten steps up from the hospital’s quarters. ****  
** **

It was his first day out of the hospital since waking up from the coma two weeks ago, and he was loving every second of it. Jordan and Ashley had already left back to Chicago, so he had not other obligations than to just stay in bed. It was freeing to be home, since every day had been spent relearning how to use his body. ****  
** **

Since the day he'd woken up, it was appointment after appointment, one after the next. From speech, to physical therapy, to actual mental therapy, his life had been one hectic mudslide into recovery.  ****  
** **

Tyler had been with him through all of it. ****  
** **

Josh hadn't said a word to him, with the exception a couple necessary messages scribbled on a notepad. Tyler would come everyday after school, and simply sit in the chair beside Josh's bed. Josh, too tired to even move his eyes, would blink under heavy lashes, simply watching the other boy moving around, adjusting blankets and fixing wires. They wouldn't communicate, in any fashion, and Tyler would just hold his hand and stare out the window, eyebrows furrowed and deep in thought. Tyler would stay by Josh's side until he fell into a drug-induced sleep, and when he woke up in the morning, Tyler was gone, only to return again that evening.  ****  
** **

These last weeks had been equivalent to an uphill battle during an avalanche, and Josh couldn't express how happy he was to just be home. ****  
** **

It was his “off day,” and lethargy had settled into every one of his muscles.  ****  
** **

He ran a hand over the top of his head, half expecting to feel his hair, sighing when he felt the peach fuzz on his head. The doctors had to shave it off while doing the ER surgery. He kind of missed his curls.  ****  
** **

He wished the surgery hadn't worked. He really didn't deserve to- ****  
** **

_ Wait.  _ Josh stopped himself.  _ Counter your bad thoughts.  _ ****  
** **

He was trying to do as his therapist was telling him. Counter his negative and self destructive thoughts. It was exhausting to police his own thoughts and correct them.  ****  
** **

No one warned him about how hard recovery was going to be.  ****  
** **

Instead of continuing to wallow in his own self-pity, he reached for his cell phone, which was lying on the nightstand next to him.  ****  
** **

He dialed Debby’s number. She picked up on the second ring. ****  
** **

_ “Hello?”  _ Her voice had a hint of surprise in it.  _ “Josh?” _ ****  
** **

“Yeah. H-hey.” He cursed his stutter, putting all of his focus into moving his tongue correctly. ****  
** **

_ “I'm not going to give you any more weed.”  _ She rushed out.  ****  
** **

Josh laughed, but he couldn't tell if it was real. “Y-yeah, I figured. But I'm n-not calling about t-that. Just wanted to catch up.” ****  
** **

_ “It's been a month or something since we last spoke.”  _ Something in her tone told him it wasn't meant to be condescending. Like she was agreeing with him. _ “What's up with your voice, dude?  Sounds different or something.“ _ ****  
** **

He took time forming the words in his mind, and pushing them slowly out of his mouth.  ****  
** **

“Well, like two and a half weeks ago I tried to off myself. O-obviously didn't work. The bullet f-fucked up something in my brain so now my tongue is all screwed up.” ****  
** **

Good. Only two mistakes.  ****  
** **

_ “Oh.” _ Was all Debby said in response. ****  
** **

“Yeah…” He gulped. “S-sorry. Was that too blunt-” ****  
** **

_ “Are you okay? Like physically.” _ She interrupted. ****  
** **

“I guess.” Josh shrugged, even though she couldn't see him. “Other than the t-tongue thing, my body just hurts. But that's about it.” ****  
** **

_ “Did you need a blood or organ donor? You know, after…”  _ Debby let the question hang in the air. ****  
** **

“No. Not like they could find one either.” ****  
** **

She laughed, but it was tight.  _ “Yeah, I bet it would be hard to find your type. But you know if they really needed a donor they could have called-” _ ****  
** **

Josh heard the front door open.  ****  
** **

“Sorry for interrupting but I think Tyler's home.” ****  
** **

_ “Okay, go run off to your boo.” _ ****  
** **

Josh snorted. “Yeah, thanks. Bye, Debby.” ****  
** **

He hung up feeling a bit lighter.  ****  
** **

Slowly Josh tried to get up but quickly realized how futile it was when he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. Sharp pain stabbed through his head and colorful spots flashed in front of his eyes

It felt like his whole body had been beaten and every movement caused some muscle to ache.  ****  
** **

He settled back down on the mattress, feeling sorry for himself.  ****  
** **

The door opened seconds later, and Tyler peeked his head through the gap.  ****  
** **

“Hey.” He said, tentatively. He had a shy, mature look softly radiating off of him, like a soothing aura. Josh felt his muscles relax.  ****  
** **

Josh nodded, giving a small grin, and watching the other boy’s face light up and split into a sunshine grin. Tyler walked in and settled on the bed beside him, lying on his side to face him. Josh kept his eyes on the ceiling. ****  
** **

“It’s your therapy thing today, right?” ****  
** **

Josh shook his head, furiously.  ****  
** **

“Can you respond verbally for me?” ****  
** **

Josh paused for a moment, before shaking his head again.  ****  
** **

Tyler sighed. “Okay, well, if it’s not today, you can just go today and get it out of the way? Your choice. I’ll even take you.” ****  
** **

Josh turned his head to the side to look at Tyler, mouthing  _ ‘tired’  _ and rolling his eyes. ****  
** **

“Okay.” Tyler held his breath momentarily.  ****  
** **

Josh mouthed a  _ ‘why?’  _ into the air without turning his head, knowing that Tyler was still watching him. ****  
** **

“There's a talent show at lunch tomorrow, and… I was hoping you could come and watch me perform.” Josh gave him a skeptical look, eyebrows raised, and Tyler groaned in response. “I just miss having you in my classes, y'know? Finals are coming up too. It's been a hard month- or like a month and half since it's like early-May now- but you get the point. Of course though, you don't have to go if you don't feel comfortable.” ****  
** **

Josh appreciated Tyler trying to be understanding, he really did. But everyone was just nagging him about speech therapy and psychotherapy and all he wanted to do was sleep and never wake up. He had given it all every single fucking day but nothing was happening and nothing was improving. He was just as crazy as before and just as mute as he'd been since the coma. ****  
** **

He needed to get his mind off of this, and unfortunately this time, he couldn’t get high to do it. For one, Debby had refused to give him anything. A small part of him did want to get clean, and enjoy these last few weeks with Tyler uncontrolled by his withdrawals. He wanted to be free of everything, his worries, his regrets, and die happy and loved. He already had the latter in the bag, thanks to Tyler, but he had to become happy.  ****  
** **

Except he didn’t want to think about the fact that he was going to leave everything behind soon.  ****  
** **

Fuck, he really didn’t want to think about it.  ****  
** **

Tyler stroking his cheek caused him to blink back some of the tears forming in his eyes. He bit his lip, taking a deep breath. ****  
** **

“You okay? For real.” Tyler asked softly. ****  
** **

The next thing Josh knew, he had slammed his lips to Tyler’s, and nearly knocked all wind from his lungs. ****  
** **

Tyler hardly had a moment to react before Josh pressed his tongue to the seam of his closed lips. Tyler's hands flew to his chest, as if to push him off, only to grasp the cloth of his shirt and pull him closer. Tyler quickly granted Josh's tongue access, and delved inside his mouth, their lips becoming wetter with the action. ****  
** **

Josh's fingers snagged onto the belt loops of Tyler’s jeans, and pulled him onto his lap. They never broke the kiss, even as the other was straddling his hips. Tyler rolled his hips down, causing Josh to whine, strained and high pitched, into his mouth. ****  
** **

His hands worked their way around Tyler’s body, sneaking under his shirt, fingertips spreading electricity to each crevasse and dip. He ran his fingers over each blossoming goosebump along his perfect and toned physique. He wanted to memorize the patterns in his heated skin, touch them until the two were one in the same. ****  
** **

Josh lay on his back, gently tracing the curves of Tyler's ass, squeezing and prodding and emitting just the right low groans from the other boy.  Tyler’s hands ventured over his body too, exploring blindly and sending shivers where they wandered. They pulled apart and opened their eyes.  ****  
** **

Tyler smiled. His hair was tousled, sticking up in few directions, and his lips were swollen and puffy. ****  
** **

He looked beautiful. ****  
** **

Josh leaned up and softly kissed up and down Tyler’s neck, careful not to leave a bruise as he sucked and nibbled on the sensitive skin there. The brunette let out little gasps, his warm breath ghosting over Josh's ear. He worked his way back to the other's slack jaw, taking his lips into his mouth, slowly.  ****  
** **

Teasingly. ****  
** **

Tyler returned the favor quickly enough though, breaking the kiss to run his tongue up his neck, nipping slightly when he reached his jaw. Josh's eyes rolled back into his head as he cried out, his hips bucking up without permission. Josh smiled woozily, in a daze, his teeth bumping against Tyler's cheek.  ****  
** **

Then something changed. ****  
** **

Something went wrong because, oh god, he didn’t want this anymore. But he was the one who started this, he was the one who kissed Tyler first, he initiated it, he couldn't back down. He couldn’t say no to Tyler. He craved this like oxygen even though he didn’t want it. His mind screamed at him not to let Tyler down. Part of him was numb. ****  
** **

Fuck, he was hard. And Tyler was too. ****  
** **

“Josh,” Tyler caught his breath. “Are you okay to keep going?” ****  
** **

_ Don’t say no, keep going, don’t say no.  _ It repeated like a mantra in his head.  ****  
** **

He hesitantly looked up at Tyler. The swirls of lust and desire swimming in his blown pupils made all of air leave his lungs. ****  
** **

He wanted to say no.  ****  
** **

However, before Josh could think about it longer, he yanked their bodies together and locked Tyler’s mouth with his own in a hungry kiss. It obliterated every one of his coherent thoughts and for the first time in so long, Josh’s mind was locked into the present.  ****  
** **

Drunk on endorphins his only need was to feel him, to move his hands under Tyler’s shirt and to feel his perfect softness. In the moment, he savoured the other’s lips and the quickening of breaths that matched his own. The only thing that mattered was touching him more, kissing his mouth, eliciting more moans from the chambers of his chest. ****  
** **

“Fuck me.” Josh whispered into the brunette’s lips. The first words he’d spoken to him since his attempt on his own life. ****  
** **

Tyler’s eyes widened, the shock either from the fact that Josh had actually spoken, or what he had actually said. Tyler's lips opened and closed confusedly with no words leaving them.  ****  
** **

Josh held him, his face with one hand. He craned up and softly kissed the tender area at the base of his neck. Tyler’s body went rigid once more, and he was breathless as Josh showered him with gentle, soft kisses.  ****  
** **

Tyler pulled back suddenly, gazing down at him, eyes dark and hooded. Josh felt a blush warm his cheeks under the scrutiny, averting his eyes slightly before nervously returning his gaze again. Tyler still gazed at him lovingly, his eyes softening with tenderness before sparking with something else. ****  
** **

“I can’t.” ****  
** **

Josh craned his neck up again to initiate the another kiss, but Tyler moved away once more, fully dismounting him and getting off the bed. ****  
** **

“Josh, listen-” ****  
** **

“Why not?” Josh snarled. Now that he had found the confidence to speak, there were shortage of words to be said. “Am I not up to your standards? T-too used and abused for you, Tyler? Damaged goods? Are you s-scared you're going to hurt me? No one's e-ever cared before so why should you be the first?!”  ****  
** **

“I-” He cleared his throat. “i don't think you're in the right headspace to be giving consent. Of any sort.” ****  
** **

“Who are you to decide that for me? I consent!  _ Fuck me,  _ Tyler. I'm giv-giving you an easy lay. I…” The fight drained out Josh as quickly as it had come, and he instead hiccuped on a sob and he just collapsed flat onto the bed. “Whatever.” ****  
** **

Josh didn't know why he was acting like this. He wasn't mad, of course, Tyler hadn't done anything wrong. He didn’t want it. Or maybe he did. He didn't know what he was feeling though, his emotions in a knot in his chest. Maybe he was mad. It would certainly make more sense.  ****  
** **

Tyler seemed to somehow know this, and made no move to comfort Josh, other than wrapping him in a firm hug. Josh didn’t know if this was supposed to be some sort of apology, or not, but either way he wrapped his arms around the other’s middle, burying his face in his stomach. Tyler ran his fingers over the single bandage covering the bullet's exit wound, until Josh's suppressed maybe-anger had dissipated into quiet pouting.  ****  
** **

Tyler pulled away. ****  
** **

“How about…” He stroked his chin in a mock-thoughtful manner. “Okay. How about we go to your appointment today, and I'll make it up to you after, I promise. Okay?” ****  
** **

Josh waited a bit before nodding. ****  
** **

“Cool. Take a nap till I come back?” Tyler perked an eyebrow. ****  
** **

“Where are y-you going?” ****  
** **

“To take a really,  _ really,  _ cold shower.”

****

***

****

Tyler was playing a very heated game of tetris in the hospital waiting room when someone tapped his shoulder. ****  
** **

Josh stood over him, gazing down at him through his lashes, his facial expression flat. He didn’t have a bandage covering the bullet wound anymore. ****  
** **

“Ready to go?” Tyler pocketed his phone.  ****  
** **

Josh nodded curtly, rolling his eyes, but jabbed his thumb behind him to point to Dr. Lewis who was standing a bit farther back, observing them. ****  
** **

“Okay.” Tyler mumbled, getting up follow the doctor as he led them out of the waiting area. ****  
** **

Tyler found himself in the doctor's office again, and sauntered in as Josh took a seat and the man shut the door behind them. ****  
** **

“Good evening, gentlemen. I'm rather sorry for this somewhat impromptu meeting, I hope I didn't interrupt any of your plans.” Lewis said, sitting in his own executive office chair, facing the two of them. ****  
** **

“No, it's fine.” Tyler spoke after realizing Josh wasn't going to. “If I may ask though, why did you want to speak with us?” ****  
** **

He tried not to get too hopeful. ****  
** **

“Ah, yes.” Lewis smiled, an expression Tyler didn't think he'd seen before. “I would like to discuss new developments in Josh’s treatment plan.” ****  
** **

At this, said boy perked up, suddenly sitting up in his seat from where he was slumped before. ****  
** **

“Yeah?” Tyler pressed, pushing the excitement out of his voice. ****  
** **

“We feel as if- my team and I, we have devised a plan that just might work.” ****  
** **

Tyler felt like crying. Happy tears, for the first time in months. ****  
** **

“Now,” Lewis continued, the smile gone from his face in an instant. “This is the only pathway that we were able to construct with a decent chance of working, with the state of Josh's body. It's risky.” ****  
** **

“Well,“ Tyler gulped. “What is it?” ****  
** **

“Surgery.” ****  
** **

Tyler's heart plummeted in his chest. ****  
** **

“...surgery?” ****  
** **

Lewis nodded slowly. “Yes. More or less, we were hoping to find a donor, someone who could lend Joshua a portion of their lung. A lobectomy. The procedure entails that we would make an incision on Josh's side, and replace his lung lobe with that of the donor. Then after the surgery, Josh’s body will be strong enough to withstand three rounds of chemotherapy with little ill effects. We estimate that just one more round will be more than enough to kick the cancer.” ****  
** **

Tyler casted a look at Josh, who simply met his eyes with same paralyzing fear and dread that had formed in Tyler’s chest.  ****  
** **

Surgery.  ****  
** **

They were going to cut Josh’s chest open and replace a section of his cancer infected lung with some from a random donor who had to be willing to give up their lung in the first place. It was so farfetched to think that Josh would even be able to find a donor in time.  ****  
** **

Josh piped up, his voice no louder than the rumble of the AC. “Risks?” ****  
** **

“With any surgery, of any kind, no matter how small, there are risks.” The man rubbed at his eyelids. “In your situation, your body’s too weak to even do the surgery right now. If you decided to even go through with it, you wouldn’t be physically able to withstand surgery until your can get strength back in your heart and muscles. Additionally, there will be challenges in even finding a suitable donor, like finding one with the appropriate blood and tissue types.”  ****  
** **

Josh no longer sat up straight in his chair, hanging onto every one of Lewis' words. He stared at his feet, nodding along.  ****  
** **

“Josh has a very rare blood type and tissue type ‘combination’. The specifics really aren't important, but know that it will be very hard to even find a suitable donor in the first place. Even then, there are risks like rejection, which is major risk of transplant. The medicines used to prevent or treat rejection have a lot of side effects as well. If I would give you prospects for Josh likelihood of surviving the surgery and beating the cancer, I'd give you anywhere from sixty to sixty-five percent.” ****  
** **

The room went silent for a bit, with both boys stunned into silence. ****  
** **

“That's…” Tyler started, his voice weak. “That's not very high.” ****  
** **

“I know. And I'm sorry, but we're doing everything we can. We are trying to put Josh on the list for the living donors, which will shorten wait times and requiring less legal consent from the donor's party. With the time constraint because of the severity of the cancer, there are no guarantees with anything. And… before I forget, there's one more thing.” The man's voice dropped, suddenly twice as serious. ****  
** **

Tyler ran a slow hand over his face before giving the doctor a vague wave of his hand as a go-ahead. ****  
** **

“Josh, you said you could cover the cost of the completed rounds of chemo. Is that still the case?” ****  
** **

Josh nodded.  ****  
** **

“And you still don’t have insurance?” ****  
** **

He nodded again.  ****  
** **

“Okay.” Lewis took off his glasses. “The thing is, the surgery would be expensive. The actual procedure, the doctors’ time, the materials, and the anesthesia are just a few of the costs you’ll have to cover. In addition, you would also have to cover the cost of your two-week hospital stay over your attempt.” He took a small breath. “We have taken initiative and contacted nonprofits such as the United Network for Organ Sharing and made a fundraising campaign at this hospital. We were able to estimate the new cost for your surgery to about fifty-eight thousand dollars.” ****  
** **

Josh blanched.  ****  
** **

Tyler could almost see the white in his cheeks. Blood drained from his face and he became still. What little hope they had walking into the room had vanished. ****  
** **

It was over.

****

***

****

They decided to go to the studio.  ****  
** **

The glowing of the moonlight caved in through the dusty windows, serving as the only source of light, other than the dim auras from the fake candles everywhere in the room. Josh sat on one of the office chair, legs resting on the control panel. Tyler sat, directly across from him, criss-cross applesauce, strumming the ukulele the moon shone upon. He was twisting his fingers in all sorts of odd shapes to form chords around the maple wood fretboard and once or twice, would slide his hand up across the higher frets. ****  
** **

In the candlelight, Tyler’s cheekbones were sharp, yet his skin was mellow and smooth. In the dimness, his eyes turned from their usual soft brown to almost deep black, with only the reflection of the light visible in his pupils.  ****  
** **

The sweet refrain of the ukulele spoke a musical language to Josh’s soul. The strumming sound had a hypnotic soothing quality, and he could imagine losing himself in its melody for the rest of his life.  ****  
** **

The strumming suddenly stopped and Tyler cleared his throat.  ****  
** **

“I wrote you a song.”  ****  
** **

He obviously hadn't meant to say it, evident by the look of mild shock on his face and by his cheeks that slightly flushed pink. ****  
** **

It felt like someone had suddenly turned on an internal heater inside Josh’s system, as his pale skin slowly heated into what would be the shade of a ripe strawberry.  ****  
** **

They stared back at each other for what seemed like hours until Tyler finally dropped his gaze. ****  
** **

“No, nevermind, it’s stupid-” ****  
** **

“No,” Josh cut him off. “It’s… sweet.” ****  
** **

“You think?” Tyler’s eyes twinkled.  ****  
** **

“Yeah.” Josh nodded for good measure. “Well? Don't keep me waiting all night.” ****  
** **

“Right- uh, right.” Tyler cleared his throat for dramatic effect. “Here we go.” ****  
** **

His thin fingers began to move across the string, picking and strumming as soft notes filled the air.  ****  
** **

_ “A brave man said, ‘You put a name to a song, and it won't change no matter what goes wrong,’”  _ He started, softly.  _ “I'll try my best to find a face and a name, I'll sing until we are both one in the same.” _ ****  
** **

The lyrics swam through his brain like a dream, the notes unstitching his muscles, enabling the song to move through entire being. It was his medicine delivered in the most heavenly way.

_ “Didn't have much time to see why I was found, had to say goodbye as time ran out. Sail across the world, just to find a pearl on the other side. Hope the pearl won't forget this song, and won't forget the sky.” _

They locked eyes, and Josh felt himself getting pulled in, every part of him falling. His eyes were the sweet silence before dawn and coffee beans. Josh only caught a glimpse of them before they slipped back underneath his eyelids. 

_ “I don't know what I should give, or what I'm to sing, all I can do is give you this, let my heart play. I know your face,” _ He took a slow breath, voice almost cracking.  _ “Let this song whisper your name.” _

He took a little interlude, playing around on the uke, fingers sliding up and down the fretboard. His voice was music and grace, carrying the haunting feeling of knowing it was brought out of pain. “A _ song is not much time to show, how beautiful you are, but I will sing a song to your heart. I don't know what I should give, or what I'm to sing, all I can do is give you this, let my heart play. I know your face,”  _ His hand went to his heart and his head rose as he belted out the final notes.  _ “Let this song whisper your name.” _

Tyler leaned forward, his warm breath in Josh’s ear, then he hummed the final notes again. Josh’s lips, the ones that really didn't want to smile that night, creeped into a grin. He kept on humming until Josh took him in a bear hug and kissed him.  ****  
** **

They dissolved into a fit of giggles. ****  
** **

Josh pulled Tyler into another chaste kiss, laughing into his mouth.  ****  
** **

“So… I’m guessing you liked it?” Tyler asked when they had calmed down a bit. His hand still rested on Josh’s knee.  ****  
** **

“Loved it. Honestly.” ****  
** **

“Sick.” Tyler’s face split into a grin, and he started to put the ukulele back in its case. “What do you wanna do now?” ****  
** **

Josh looked up at the ceiling, spinning around in his chair a few times. “I don’t know, dude. Talk, m-maybe?” ****  
** **

“Are you sure? If you don’t wanna talk you don’t have to.” Tyler was still fiddling with the clips of the case. “It took you like a week and a half to say anything to me. Which is fine, by the way, take your time.” ****  
** **

“Yeah. I w-want to talk.” He giggled a bit, maybe just from the pure euphoria erupting in his chest.  ****  
** **

“What do you want to talk about?” Tyler had a vague look of amusement on his face as he watched Josh dick around in the spinny chair. ****  
** **

“You’re performing at a talent s-show? W-willingly?” Josh finally looked at him seriously.  ****  
** **

“Yeah. Come to school tomorrow, I promise, it’ll be worth it.” Tyler made puppy-dog eyes at him.  ****  
** **

“You s-sure do promise a lot, Joseph. Like with the necklaces, what happened to that?” ****  
** **

“I lost mine.” Tyler said sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. “I tried to get the jeweler to make another, but he wouldn’t so… but that promise still stands! Like this one. Come with me to school, please.” ****  
** **

“Fine.” ****  
** **

Tyler fist pumped. “I promise you, Mr. Dun, it will be worth it.” ****  
** **

“Dude, you sound like some kind of businessman.”  ****  
** **

“Oh yeah? What kind? The sexy kind?” Tyler wiggled his eyebrows.  ****  
** **

Josh snickered. “Nah, more like the receptionist on like two hours of sleep.” ****  
** **

Tyler gasped, a hand over his heart, before they burst into laughter again. Josh had even almost calmed down when Tyler accidentally snorted, sending them into another frenzy. They couldn’t stop laughing like madmen, and Josh would never get sick of seeing Tyler wheeze from giggling. ****  
** **

Until Josh felt something sear into his chest. A blinding white knife drilling into his lung. ****  
** **

“Are you okay?” Tyler’s hand was on his knee again, voice concerned.  ****  
** **

“Yeah, don’t w-worry about it.” The stabbing pain began to subside. “Sorry for ruining the moment.” ****  
** **

“Dude, no.” Tyler smacked him gently. “Your body’s not in tip top shape right now and guess what?  _ That’s okay. _ ” ****  
** **

“Is…” Josh wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask this. “Is that why you didn’t want to have sex this morning? Because you were scared you were gonna hurt me?” ****  
** **

“This waiting to have sex with you, it's just a self-preservation thing... because once we go there, once we are that intimate, I'll be in love with you.” He backtracked. “I already am- wait, shit, that’s not what I meant.” For a boy so good with words, he certainly looked flustered when he didn’t say the right ones. “Like, my love will be ‘confirmed’ if that makes sense. There’s no going back from something like that.  So, for my own sake, I need you to be able feel the same, that it is something you want, that you'll keep me, that you want me to keep you. That's all it is. I want you to be well enough to love me back.” ****  
** **

Josh stayed silent for a bit. “So when will that be?” ****  
** **

“Whenever you decide that you want to keep living, and you know what it is to love someone who won't hurt you, then we can… y’know. Get busy.” ****  
** **

Josh barely snorted, just a small smile crossing his lips. ****  
** **

“Did you wanna… y’know,” Tyler flushed, trying to find the words. “This morning… um-” ****  
** **

Josh started snickering, watching as Tyler turned an even deeper shape of red. ****  
** **

“C’mon, dude.” Tyler mumbled, clearly put off. “Did you?” ****  
** **

“No.” He settled on. “I don’t think I did. Like, a part of me wanted to just be ruined… and d-degraded. I don't really know if  _ I  _ wanted that. I w-wanted to say no, Tyler, to you, can you believe that? I started it and then I…” He didn’t know what to say to he just let the sentence fill the air.  ****  
** **

“So,” Tyler spoke slowly. “If I hadn’t stopped, you would’ve… just gone along with it?” ****  
** **

“I think it was just the trauma talking.” It was enough of an answer. ****  
** **

“Trauma? You just called  _ it _ trauma.” Tyler’s eyes lit up. “You’ve never done that.” ****  
** **

Josh rolled his eyes. “Acknowledging he traumatized me is progress, right?” ****  
** **

“Huge progress.” Tyler smiled, and they fell into a comfortable silence again. “Can I ask you a weird question? You don’t have to answer.” ****  
** **

“Go for it.” ****  
** **

“Why didn’t you talk to me before?” ****  
** **

He should’ve known this question would come.  ****  
** **

“Honestly?” ****  
** **

“Honestly.” ****  
** **

“I think I was just s-scared, Tyler.” He admitted, the words sounding pathetic coming out of his mouth. “With th-therapies and just recovery in general, I feel so… incompetent. Like I’m starting back at square one, learning how to s-sp-speak, and use my body, even how to think. It’s crazy.” A weight came off his shoulders. “I picked up control of my t-tongue again pretty quickly, but I didn’t want to tell you, or Zack, or Maddy, or Jay, or Mrs. Joseph, be-because you’ve all done so much for me. I felt like if you knew I could speak, you’d start expecting me to get better in other areas too. It doesn’t make sense. I know that’s not an excuse, I should’ve spoken earlier, I know.” ****  
** **

Tyler stared at Josh for a moment, and sighed. “I just missed your voice, is all.” He didn’t quite smile, but the air around him change. It became lighter, almost unnoticeably. “And what about school?” ****  
** **

“People haven’t seen me in like a month and a half. What are they gonna say when I can’t talk right anymore and have a bullet wound on my head?” ****  
** **

“Well they can just mind their business.” Tyler sassed, making Josh crack a small grin. Tyler took his hand in his own. “Seriously though, I’ll be right there with you the whole day, baby.” He paused, clearly ready to go back on his words. “Can I call you that?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He answered, a bit breathless, from all of the amazement coursing through his veins. And maybe that was just what Josh needed to hear, that Tyler was his for now and into the future. A future, maybe one he could can survive. ****  
** **

In a moment his insecurity came back for another bite, and so Josh turned to him, "Are you okay with me, really?"   


He turned with that serious look but still had his trademark warm eyes, "So long as you're by my side…” His voice trailed off. ****  
** **

“Yeah?” ****  
** **

“The rest of the world can go fuck themselves."

****

*** ****  
** **

 

The clocks had just struck midnight. ****  
** **

Tyler led Josh into his bathroom, supporting most of his body weight. ****  
** **

The other had just said ‘something hurt’, before collapsing in a heap, too pained to stand.  ****  
** **

He sat Josh on the toilet as he clutched at his chest, eyes screwed shut.  ****  
** **

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” Tyler found himself asking.  ****  
** **

“No.” ****  
** **

“Are you sure?” ****  
** **

“Y-yes.” ****  
** **

“Do you want me to run you a bath or something? God, Josh, just tell me what to do.” ****  
** **

“A-actually,” Josh panted. “Please.” ****  
** **

Josh was in so much pain, his complexion was ashen. His natural light golden skin had sunken into something so lifeless, it scared Tyler just to look at him.  ****  
** **

Tyler plugged the drain and started filling the tub up with water. ****  
** **

He waited until the water got warm, before squeezing some bath soap inside that filled the room with the scent of lavender. It took him awhile to get everything done, and he turned around, quite proud of himself, to get Josh's attention.   ****  
** **

He opened a single eye slightly to look at Tyler. ****  
** **

“Can you undress by yourself? I can wait outside till you're done if you'd like.” ****  
** **

“It h-hurts.” He squeaked out. ****  
** **

“I know, baby.” Tyler cooed. “Do you need my help? I won't take it personally if you don't.” ****  
** **

Josh didn’t say anything for a while, his cheeks reddening. ****  
** **

“H-help, please.” He heaved eventually, tears beading at his eyelids. ****  
** **

Tyler nodded, pressing a featherlight kiss to his forehead and gathering himself before beginning. He started with Josh's shirt, lifting the hem slowly, surely, checking on the other's face every step of the way. He discarded it on the floor once it was off, and took a breath.  ****  
** **

He had to be careful removing Josh's pants, as it one wrong move could easily set him off. It was like walking through a field of trauma landmines with untied shoelaces.  ****  
** **

He took off his belt and his khakis quickly enough, with no movement from Josh. It seemed as if he was in too much pain to be a hundred-percent attentive. As soon as Tyler rested his fingers on the hem of his boxers, Josh whimpered however, either out of pain or fear. Tyler moved his hand to clasp one of Josh's, and moved the boxers further down, watching every hitched breath or tensed muscles with cautious eyes, until they were completely off. ****  
** **

The tension in the room lightened. ****  
** **

Tyler carried him over to the tub now, and Josh didn't fight him even though his flesh was already covered in goosebumps. He helped Josh into the tub, lowering him slowly until he was almost fully submerged in the water. He grabbed a washcloth, starting with his face and hair before going down his chest and back. He tried to be as gentle as he could, washing in smooth, repetitive motions. His backside covered in thin lashes, and his thighs, a multitude of scars. They looked like someone had dripped candle wax all across his thighs and arm, and they stood out flagrantly against his skin. ****  
** **

Tyler pretended not to see them. ****  
** **

Josh began to cry as Tyler washed over the raised skin, different from before, higher pitched and his hand extended to grab Tylers free hand. Josh's eyes closed and he sucked himself into a deeper place to cope. All Tyler could do was stroke his bandage-less hair, and continue to hold his hand as he trembled. It barely seemed enough, yet he began to take calmer, deeper breaths and open his eyes. From time to time, Tyler's eyes dropped to the bubbles floating atop the water, but mostly they were fixed on Josh's face in a soft stare. ****  
** **

Tyler kissed his nose, watching as his face scrunched up in that way it always did. ****  
** **

They were going to be okay.

****

*** ****  
** **

 

Tyler stood around backstage, clutching his ukulele to his chest.  ****  
** **

He could hear the person before him on the cafeteria stage, showcasing their talent by playing one of Chopin’s hardest pieces, their fingers creating sonorous chords.  ****  
** **

He felt so out of place.  ****  
** **

Should he be here? ****  
** **

His phone dinged in his hand and the piercing light in the darkness of the backstage made him squint.  ****  
** **

_ Jen: stop freaking out _ ****  
** **

Of course.  ****  
** **

_ Ty: howd you know _ ****  
** **

_ Jen: had a feeling :) _ ****  
** **

_ Jen: anyway you’ll do fine _ ****  
** **

_ Jen: Josh will love it, trust me _ ****  
** **

_ Ty: if it goes bad i'm blaming you _ ****  
** **

_ Ty: this was your idea so… _ ****  
** **

_ Jen: shut up and go wow everybody with your voice _ ****  
** **

Tyler clutched his phone to his chest before putting it away and fixing the microphone/headset thing around his ear and the one on his instrument too.  ****  
** **

Someone came up to him, wearing all black and with stress pulling at all of their feature.  ****  
** **

“Tyler?” ****  
** **

“That’s me.” ****  
** **

“You’re up, the final act. Good luck.” ****  
** **

“Thanks.” He gulped, taking a breath, and climbed up the short flight of stairs and rounded the curtain.  ****  
** **

Barely anyone was even looking at the stage, more concerned with their food and talking to their friends, and strangely Tyler found that relieving. He caught Josh’s eye, and the other boy gave him a smile.  ****  
** **

Tyler found his confidence. ****  
** **

“Uh… hey.” He cleared his throat, and the speakers on the stage made a high pitched screech. A few heads turned towards him. “I...  you guys know that prom is in two weeks, right? Yeah, there’s someone in this room, and I really wanted to ask them to go with me, but I’ve been too scared. I’ve been scared for too long and recently, I realized: I don’t need to be scared. This person will be by me no matter what happens, and so, nothing can stand in my way, because they’re sweet, and brave, and so freaking beautiful.” He took another slow breath. “Anyway, if you know the words, help me out.” ****  
** **

He started gently strumming the uke, setting the mood, but he made sure to send out a prayer to whatever God was listening before starting to sing. ****  
** **

_ “Wise men say…”  _ He began, his voice a bit raspy.  _ “Only fools rush in, but I can’t help, falling in love with you.”  _ ****  
** **

He dismounted the stage, going down the center walkway of the cafeteria, and more and more people began to turn their heads.  ****  
** **

_ “Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you?” _ ****  
** **

Tyler looked over the crowd. There must have been at least one hundred people watching him, scorching under the yellow light of the cafeteria. Nerves were trying to take over his body, but it only improved his  performance. His heart kept time with his ukulele, pumping the music through his veins as he lost all sense of everything except for the music. ****  
** **

This was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

_ “Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be.” _

The music soared through the air like an eagle on an sudden updraft, taking the souls of the listening audience with it, who watched him intently.

_ “Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you.” _

A few voices were singing with him as he approached the table he sat, looking the boy he loved right in the eye. His strong, beautiful boy. 

_ “For I can't help falling in love with you.” _ ****  
** **

He strummed the final chord and the applause rolled forward like a tsunami, but Tyler put his hand up to silence them.  ****  
** **

“Joshua Dun,” He was sure people were talking but his ears were filled with cotton. His mind was occupied by one person. “Will you go to prom with me?” His voice echoed throughout the cafeteria. ****  
** **

The room was pin-drop silent. ****  
** **

Next thing he knew, Josh kissed him and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting and reassuring, with no words. His hand rested below Tyler’s ear, his thumb caressing his cheek. ****  
** **

Josh’s eyes were wet as he pulled back, the students in the cafeteria continued to clap and cheer wildly.  ****  
** **

Tyler placed his hand on the other’s waist and drew him even closer, kissing him once more. It only lasted about two seconds however as they fell into laughter, too smiley to even hold the kiss for any longer. As they parted finally, Tyler saw his eyes sparkle and lips curve up into a smile, and he couldn't help but smile back.

They were going to be okay. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all love a good promposal. 
> 
> I would like to take a second (as I do pretty often) to thank every person who has left a kudo or a comment, because I swear, they give me life. They make my whole month. Thanks again!


	27. As long as that may be (Prom)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boys in love, it's gonna be a good chapter, trust me. the timeline though, is pretty confusing so let me break it down really quick. 
> 
> the very first part takes place on the very same Friday as the promposal (which is two weeks before prom itself) from the last chapter. after that, the next part takes place on the Monday after that (3 days later). the next couple events happen in that first week. THEN there is one Denny's scene that occurs on Wednesday the next week, and then prom is three days after THAT.
> 
> Cool? Cool. 
> 
> Anyway there is some sexual content so prepare yourselves for that. 
> 
> thanks.

Tyler was waiting in the hospital parking lot. ****  
** **

He was sitting in the driver's seat of Josh's Audi, which they had just been able to recover from impound. The car was off, and he was just noodling around on his phone. ****  
** **

He had dropped Josh off right after school, and was now here to pick him up, but his therapy sessions seemed to be taking longer and longer. ****  
** **

Speaking of, school was pretty great. ****  
** **

After the promposal (which spread around the school like wildfire), things had been light. He'd been expecting name calling and bullying like Josh had struggled with at the beginning of the year. Instead, all he got were a couple passing weird looks, people asking if the rumors were true, and supportive texts and pats on the back from friends. ****  
** **

Icing on the cake: it was freeing not to have to hide their relationship anymore. They could kiss and hold hands and flirt shamelessly without so much as batting an eye at whoever was watching. ****  
** **

Not to mention, it was the most he'd seen Josh smile at school, which was a huge fucking plus. ****  
** **

He felt on top of the world. ****  
** **

He continued to relish in the pure contentment blossoming in his heart until his phone vibrated with a notification. ****  
** **

_Bren: hey I didn't know u were a romantic like that_ ****  
** **

Oh. Right. ****  
** **

_Tyjo: hey dude_ ****  
** **

_Tyjo: first before I say anything to fuck this up, im  really sorry. you and dal really deserved to know ab the cancer and I should have told you right away._ ****  
** **

_Tyjo: I'm sorry fr and don't know how to get across that i really mean it_ ****  
** **

_Bren: ffs Tyler stop being such a sap_ ****  
** **

_Tyjo: what_ ****  
** **

_Bren: I let my emotions get the better of me instead of listening to you and why you didn't tell us_ ****  
** **

_Bren: it's been really awkward at lunch anyway so_ ****  
** **

_Bren: trust me it's water under the bridge_ ****  
** **

Tyler let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. ****  
** **

_Tyjo: thanks dude_ ****  
** **

_Bren: okay now for more important matters_ ****  
** **

_Bren: who bottoms_ ****  
** **

Tyler shut his phone off, rolling his eyes. ****  
** **

At that moment, the passenger door opened, and Josh slid into the seat. From the way his lips pursed and his head hung low, Tyler could tell something was wrong.  ****  
** **

Josh buckled in, and rested his head on the passenger side window. Tyler started the car and started to pull out of the lot. ****  
** **

“Hey, dude. How was your appointment?” Tyler chirped, reaching over to turn on the radio. ****  
** **

Josh didn't stir, except extending his arm to punch the radio into silence again. ****  
** **

“Josh?” He asked, again quietly, worried. ****  
** **

“Fine.” Josh huffed. “It went fine.” ****  
** **

Tyler tried not to take it personally. ****  
** **

 

***  ****  
** **

 

The next weekday, Monday, Tyler was right on time to pick Josh up.  ****  
** **

He was marveling at the surround sound speaker system when the other hopped in. ****  
** **

“Dude,” Tyler fiddled with some more of the car's controls. “You have a _really_ nice car.” ****  
** **

“Why aren't you mean to me anymore?”  ****  
** **

“What?” He had to do a double take. “What do you- I was never mean to you, Josh. Not intentionally, anyway.” ****  
** **

“Okay, maybe. Yeah, nevermind.” Josh was wringing his fingers. ****  
** **

Tyler started the car before settling back in his seat.  ****  
** **

“Is something wrong?” ****  
** **

“No.” ****  
** **

“Josh.” ****  
** **

“It's j-just that-” He sighed. “I don't really know how to explain this, but just hear me out.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” Tyler nodded, unsure of what to expect. ****  
** **

“You used to not care.” Josh blurted. “You used to be the biggest dick out there, caring more about your ego than anyone else.  When we hung out, we'd just make out and shit then I'd leave. You used to ignore me in classes-” ****  
** **

“I'm really waiting for this to turn into a compliment.” Tyler huffed under his breath. Josh sent him a look before continuing.  ****  
** **

“I used to hate myself for liking you.” Josh took a breath. “But then you changed. You take me to all my appointments, you respect me when I don't want to do… anything, and you're right by side when I have off days. Not to mention, you ran like- what? 5 miles to stop me from killing myself.” Josh huffed a laugh. “So what changed? Why are you so nice now?” ****  
** **

Tyler twined his fingers together, taking a moment to think about it for a moment.  ****  
** **

“I think I'm just scared.” He tightened his grip of the steering wheel. “You know that saying? Like the one that's like, ‘you never know what you have until you lose it?’ Yeah that one. That's how I feel right now. I'm losing you, Josh. I know I used to be the embodiment of assholitude and I'm trying to be better, so we can make these last few weeks mean something.” ****  
** **

“I… I'm scared too.” Josh mumbled, his lips barely moving. ****  
** **

“We're only seventeen.” Tyler sighed. “We're supposed to be out partying and living life, and stressed out about college, but instead we're dealing with depression and cancer. Life's already a bitch, and we haven't even started it yet.” ****  
** **

Josh hummed quietly in agreement.  ****  
** **

“This cancer is ruining everything.” ****  
** **

Tyler snorted. “Yeah, fuck cancer.” ****  
** **

Josh laughed for a moment before looking down.  “Do you want me to do the surgery? I'll find a way to p-pay for it if you do.” ****  
** **

“It's not my choice, J.” He said, slowly. “Whatever you pick though, I'll support you no matter what.” ****  
** **

“I think…” Josh gulped. “I think I want to do the surgery.” ****  
** **

Tyler smiled. “Then, I support you no matter what.” ****  
** **

Josh pulled him into a quick kiss, sighing, relieved, against his lips.  ****  
** **

“Let's go home.”

****

***

****

It was nighttime.  ****  
** **

Josh watched emptily in bed as the minute hand ticked by, and hours passed. His mind was blank, his head filled with a heavy blackness. The curtains were drawn tight, blocking out the orange glow from the streetlights, making the room just as dark as his mind. His eyes flickered from point to point across the room, resting on the spinning ceiling fan before bouncing to the silhouette of the bedside lamp. He closed his eyes momentarily and they stung a bit.  ****  
** **

Maybe they’d been open too long. ****  
** **

He drifted into consciousness, and then back out. Everything was a blur, and random images and memories floated on the surface of his mind. Some were thrown around as if by the violent winds of a hurricane, and his head began to throb. He shifted onto his back, careful not to jostle the other body on the bed with him. Sweat rolled down his bare chest in a bead and he sighed.  ****  
** **

A tap on his shoulder brought him back to the outside world.  ****  
** **

Eyes in earthy hues bore into his.  ****  
** **

Tyler took Josh’s hand into his own.  ****  
** **

“Why are you up?” Josh asked him, voice airy. He removed his earbuds for his ears.  ****  
** **

“I could ask the same of you.” Tyler chuckled, just as quiet. “My bladder’s about to explode though.” ****  
** **

“Go pee then.” Josh rolled his eyes. ****  
** **

“Why are you still awake? It’s-” He glanced at the clock momentarily. “-like two o’clock, and we have school tomorrow. Is something on your mind?” ****  
** **

Josh cleared his throat. “No.” ****  
** **

“You’d be a terrible poker player.” ****  
** **

“Okay, fine.” Josh clenched Tyler’s hand just a bit tighter. “My… my therapist s-says I should open up to others more.” ****  
** **

“Do you think it would help?” Tyler scooted a bit closer, tangling their ankles together.  ****  
** **

“I don’t know.” Josh sighed. “People say it helps, but what is just opens trauma’s floodgates?” ****  
** **

“It might.” He yawned. “But- okay. Just try telling me something right now. If it gets uncomfortable or something, we can stop, right away, okay?” ****  
** **

“Right away?” ****  
** **

“The second.” Tyler assured. “Just tell me anything you feel comfortable sharing. Is there anything in particular you're thinking about?” ****  
** **

Josh pondered for a moment, Tyler rubbing his arm soothingly.  ****  
** **

“He apologized once.” Josh decided to start with, staring up at the fan. He couldn’t look Tyler in the eye. “My dad. Almost a year ago. Before we moved here.” ****  
** **

Josh thought he might throw up.  ****  
** **

“He was s-sober for once, and my mom hadn’t yet left with my siblings but it was just the two of us.” It came out weak and shaky. “He sat me down and he apologized for all of the fights with my mom, the drinking, and the divorce. He seemed so sincere. I believed him.” He scoffed, brain spinning. “The next night, he raped me for the first time.” ****  
** **

Tyler’s breath hitched, and he breathed out slowly. He didn’t say a word.  ****  
** **

“I felt so unclean. I _feel_ so unclean. I felt betrayed.” His tears dripped off the side of his face and onto his mattress. “I promised never to let anyone get to me like that ever again. I never wanted to be the w-weak one, the gullible one, ever again.”  ****  
** **

He sniffed, but it got lost in the silence. ****  
** **

“I wanted to be the strong one.” Josh continued. “I wanted to be the rock everyone comes to. I wanted to be the listener, because when you never talk, no one can trick you. I stopped trusting. I started getting high. I became the dirty words he called me. I didn’t want anyone to get to know me because, once they know me, they would know how to hurt me too.”  ****  
** **

He was numb.  ****  
** **

Tyler still hadn’t said anything, and the silence was flooding his ears.  ****  
** **

“I don’t want to be that way anymore.” ****  
** **

He sighed. His chest got a little lighter.

“I don’t want to be strong anymore, but I don't know how.” He admitted quietly. “I tell myself again and again that you’re not tired of me, and that I’m wrong, but I’m a fucking mess and I can hear it in your voice when you say m-my name.” His breathing was all wrong. “I can’t be tricked again. I just- God… I can’t-” He heaved.  ****  
** **

“Josh.” Tyler finally spoke, hushing him gently. His fingers moved quickly, rubbing the tears off his cheek.  ****  
** **

Their hands were still linked.  ****  
** **

Air was stuck at the back of his throat.  ****  
** **

Tyler’s hand was on his sticky chest, over his racing heart. He breathed slow, watching the hand rise with his own lungs.  ****  
** **

Soon, everything was quiet again.  ****  
** **

“How do you feel?” Tyler questioned, his voice light with concern.  ****  
** **

“Better.” He really meant it. “Better.” ****  
** **

“Do… do you want me to hold you? If you want.  Just for tonight.” ****  
** **

He let out a shaky breath, nodding, and letting himself be shifted over. A warm chest pressed against his back. He could feel Tyler’s heart against his skin.  ****  
** **

As a tear slipped out, Josh let himself break. Just for a moment.  ****  
** **

A breath in. ****  
** **

A breath out.  ****  
** **

Pulling himself together.  ****  
** **

“You’re okay.” Tyler whispered. His arms wrapped around his waist.  ****  
** **

Soothing. ****  
** **

Comforting. ****  
** **

He could feel the other's chest rising and falling against his back. Their breaths were one.  ****  
** **

“You don’t have to be strong anymore.” He spoke against Josh’s skull. “You’re okay.” He said one more time.  ****  
** **

He was going to be okay.

****

***

****

It was Friday, eight days before prom. ****  
** **

Tyler was at the hospital, waiting in the parking lot for Josh, as he always did. ****  
** **

Josh hopped in silently, without so much as a greeting, and buckled in, still facing the window. He slouched in his seat, and Tyler waited patiently for their gazes to meet. Josh didn't turn his head, so Tyler sighed quietly to himself and pulled out of the lot. ****  
** **

Minutes passed with no noise filling the car, other than the humming of the tires underneath it. ****  
** **

They stopped at a red light. ****  
** **

Suddenly, Tyler felt Josh's hand take his, and as he turned to look at the other boy, Josh’s lips were pressed against his own, softly, delicately, and just long enough that Tyler could inhale his breath. ****  
** **

“I think I love you.” Josh said, so quietly Tyler almost missed it. “So much.” ****  
** **

For once, Tyler believed him.

****

***

****

Tyler held him again that night. ****  
** **

Josh realized that, just maybe, recovery and therapy were worth it. ****  
** **

Because it was nice, being able to know he trusted someone.

****

***

****

It was Sunday, six days before prom, and Tyler was about to lose his shit. ****  
** **

He was out suit shopping with just his mom, and no one else. Josh had decided to go shopping with Brendon and Dallon, to keep that element of surprise, but now Tyler was stuck in a room with some tailor explaining how his ass size didn't correlate with his leg height. ****  
** **

He nodded politely, hoping that Josh was having more fun than he was. ****  
** **

After learning about suit pants and whatnot, the tailor went on picking apart each section of a suit and its function. It was then that Tyler decided that he would gladly walk in front of a moving car. ****  
** **

But his mom was looking at him with such a gleam in her eye, that he scoffed at himself, and directed his attention back to the difference between brown and burgundy dress shoes, and the ‘effect’ they had on a suit.

He was going to die here.

****

*** ****  
** **

 

“Mom?” Tyler suddenly asked, hands gripping the steer tightly. ****  
** **

They were driving back home from the mall, the chosen suit hanging in the backseat after four painstakingly long hours. ****  
** **

“Yes, sweetie?” ****  
** **

“You know that money Dad saved for me for college? I'm still not going but-” ****  
** **

“You still have to tell him that you're not going, by the way.” She interjected. “You can't run away from it forever.” ****  
** **

_I can try._ ****  
** **

He bit his lip. “Yeah, I know. But I have a question.” ****  
** **

“Okay.” She turned to face him. ****  
** **

“So you that money he saved for me, I'm the beneficiary, right? So, legally, the money belongs to me and I can do whatever I want with it, right?“ ****  
** **

“Technically, yes, you have the rights to the money.” She quirked an eyebrow. “Why do you ask?” ****  
** **

“I-” He stopped himself. “No reason.” ****  
** **

Thankfully, the conversation ended there.

****

***

****

On that Wednesday, Tyler took Josh to Denny's. ****  
** **

They were supposed to be at school, as it was still relatively early in the morning, but Tyler just didn't care. He would certainly get an earful from his mother about skipping school, but he just didn't care. ****  
** **

They had been sitting in that very booth for hours, just talking and smiling and laughing. Tyler was probably making heart eyes at Josh the whole time but, guess what? _He just didn't care._ ****  
** **

He felt content. Happy, even. ****  
** **

It was like they were in their own little bubble, and tragedies of their lives couldn't touch them there, as long as they were surrounded by mountains of pancakes and mounds of whipped cream. ****  
** **

Suddenly Josh stood up, the happy mood darkening a bit. “I'm going to make the call. To Dr. Lewis.” ****  
** **

Tyler scanned over his facial expression carefully, but all he could find was authenticity and pure excitement. Tyler found himself smiling. ****  
** **

“Are you sure?” Tyler asked, just to be completely positive.  ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He grinned. “I want to live again, and trust again, play music again, and have a million more dates like this. So yeah, I'm sure.” ****  
** **

Tyler sent him one last smile, before Josh exited the store to make the call. ****  
** **

Tyler sat comfortably for a while, simply poking at and finishing up his last pancake.  ****  
** **

Out of nowhere, a hand snagged onto his sleeve, pulling out of his seat and past the ordering counter, all the way to a dark area in between the bathrooms. ****  
** **

“What the hell, Debby?” He growled, patting out his sleeves and swatting her hand off of him.  ****  
** **

Her eyes darted around nervously before they settled on him. “I need to talk to you, Tyler.” ****  
** **

“What do you want?” ****  
** **

“Josh. How is he? I've hit him up a few times and asked him how things were going, but all I've gotten were really vague answers or a weak ‘I'm fine.’ So honestly, how is he doing?” ****  
** **

Tyler’s eyebrows shot up, and he leaned back slightly and crossed his arms. “So you _do_ care about him?” ****  
** **

“Yes!” She threw her hands up, exasperated. “He's been my friend for ages. Look, I know what I said in April, but I'm telling you now it was all bullshit. I just said it so you wouldn't come back, but now I see that you really do care for Josh, and you're not just fucking with him for fun. Just _please,_ I want to know what's going on with him.” ****  
** **

Tyler knew the feeling, knowing that Josh was struggling but being completely in the dark about what he was facing. ****  
** **

“Well…” He scratched at the back of his head. “I don't think Josh would appreciate-” ****  
** **

_“Please.”_ She begged. ****  
** **

Tyler hesitated. “Okay.” ****  
** **

“Okay?” Her face lit up. “Thanks so much, Tyler.” ****  
** **

“Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes, before getting serious. “Josh is actually… he's doing pretty good.” ****  
** **

“Really?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” He smiled absentmindedly. “He has been going to speech and actual therapy almost daily and I think it's really helping. He's a lot more open, he's not getting high, to my knowledge,” He sent Debby a look before continuing. “and he's becoming more okay with not being so large and in charge. None of that dubious consent anymore. It's great, really, he looks so happy.” ****  
** **

“I'm happy for him.” Debby rubbed at her eyes, breathing out quietly. “What about the cancer?” ****  
** **

“About that,” Tyler chewed on his cheek. “He decided to do a surgery to remove a part of his lung and replace it, I think. It’s really complicated.” He sighed. “But Josh has a really complex tissue texture, so they will need a lot of help finding a donor… I already asked but, I don’t match. It’s taken him so long and so much self-appreciation to even decide to do this surgery and it would suck dick if he couldn’t even get to save his own life. H-he’s only got a couple of weeks left, y’know? I just wish there was something I could do. ” At the end of his little ramble, Tyler’s eyes were stinging.  ****  
** **

A few tears were already leaking out of Debby’s eyes. “Y-yeah.”  ****  
** **

She took him in her arms, placing his head on her shoulder, rubbing his back. “It’ll all work itself out.” She whispered. ****  
** **

“I just-” He coughed. “I don't want to lose him.” ****  
** **

“I know, me neither.” She assured.  ****  
** **

They pulled apart from the hug, and Tyler started to get himself together.  ****  
** **

“Thanks.” He laughed, short but genuine. “You know, you’re not so bad, Debby.” ****  
** **

She snorted. “You’re not too bad yourself, Tyler.” ****  
** **

He wiped at his face one more time before turning to walk away.  ****  
** **

“Tyler?” ****  
** **

“Yeah?” He looked back over his shoulder.  ****  
** **

“Things will work themselves out. I promise.”

****

*** ****  
** **

 

It was the night of prom.  ****  
** **

The long shadows of the evening had long ago dissolved into the darkness of the night.  The air was cooling and the crickets, singing. ****  
** **

Soft panic blossomed in Tyler's chest, spreading throughout his muscles, and he took a slow breath. ****  
** **

He straightened out his bowtie one last time, running his hand through his hair and making sure it looked smooth. He left a bit of stubble on his chin because of Brendon’s recommendation and now he was wondering whether he should have listened. Maybe he should shave it real quick. Or maybe he was just nervous.  ****  
** **

Fuck.  ****  
** **

He shook his head free of the nerves, and checked himself out in the mirror one last time.  ****  
** **

He was clad in mostly light grey, as that was the color of both his blazer and the dress pants hugging his legs. Underneath, he had on a white button-down, and to tie it to their color scheme, a burgundy bow tie. The suit was sharp, and it had that freshly cut, tactile appearance. Tyler let himself watch how the fabric moved, the soft crinkles shifting with each movement he made.  ****  
** **

He felt kinda cute.  ****  
** **

He walked out of the bathroom and checked his phone. It was currently seven thirty, and prom itself started at eight. He was going with his normal group, and meeting Jenna at the venue. They were going to head out to eat first, because in Brendon’s words, they had to be ‘fashionably late.’ They weren’t even going to get a limo, because of that loser, and how he wanted their prom experience to be unique and not so cliché. So thanks to him, they were all going to cram into the back of his four seat Hyundai.  ****  
** **

But, God, he couldn’t wait to see Josh.  ****  
** **

For the past couple of days, his friends had treated the nights leading up to prom like a wedding. He had barely been allowed to see Josh, except when they went out to eat a few times and went to bed. He hadn’t yet seen Josh’s suit, and vice versa, and it had been driving him _nuts._ ****  
** **

Then he got a text.  ****  
** **

He didn’t even have to check who sent it, and just gathered his things, spritzing himself with a bit of cologne, before heading downstairs.  ****  
** **

“Mom!” He shouted. “I’m leaving.” ****  
** **

“Already?” She rounded the corner, carrying the family’s camera. “I wanted to get some good pictures of you and Josh.” ****  
** **

“Mom,” He groaned. “I have to-” ****  
** **

There was a knock at the door, soft and curt.  ****  
** **

“Ah!” His mom smiled wide. “That must be him.” ****  
** **

“Mom, you don't have you let him in. I’ll just go out, okay?” ****  
** **

“Jesus, Tyler, be a bit more courteous.” She huffed, walking over to the door. “I raised a gentleman.” ****  
** **

Then she opened the door.  ****  
** **

Josh stepped inside, in all his grandeur.  ****  
** **

He was wearing a navy blue blazer, with a similar white dress shirt, except he had a black suit vest over the button-up. The shirt was tucked in, revealing a shiny belt, which revealed his equally tight black dress pants. To match the color scheme, his bowtie was burgundy to match Tyler’s.  ****  
** **

His chiseled jaw was lifted with a proud, pleasant smile. His eyes were a feathery brown, and his curls already starting to grow out again, draping over his face but brushed away from his brow. He had a single cherry rose in his hand.  ****  
** **

There was no breath in Tyler’s lungs.  ****  
** **

The boy standing across from was standing frozen as well, his eyes walking from Tyler’s hairline to his feet and back up again. He was staring and staring with no end in sight.  ****  
** **

Until, of course, he realized what he was doing and cleared his throat. Hesitantly, Josh approached him.  ****  
** **

“Hey.” ****  
** **

“Hey yourself.” Tyler’s ears were hot.    ****  
** **

“I got you a… thing. Here.” He handed the thornless flower to Tyler, who clipped it to the corner of his suit pocket.  ****  
** **

“So,” He struck a dramatic pose, like all those men in model magazines. “How do I look?” ****  
** **

They fell into a short fit of giggles, and when they stopped, Josh stepped a bit closer.  ****  
** **

“You look great.” He said. ****  
** **

“You’re one to talk.” Tyler scoffed, placing his hands on the other’s hips.  ****  
** **

“I am.” Josh whispered, bringing their lips together. Tyler dug his fingers into Josh’s waist as the space between them grew even smaller. ****  
** **

The sound of a camera clicking reached Tyler’s ears, and Josh buried his face in his shoulder.  ****  
** **

“Mom!”

****

***

****

The venue was beautiful. The ceiling must’ve been at least twenty feet high. ****  
** **

Designs of fruit and flowers were carved into the moulding and strobe lights were dancing hypnotically on the wall. Vases of blossoming flowers sprinkled throughout the room gave off a honeyed scent only added to the vibe of the atmosphere.  ****  
** **

It was a grand space, in short.  ****  
** **

There was a huge mahogany table that took up most of the space the room offered, but also tens of polished white tables built for small groups.  Two tall, silver candelabras attracted attention from the center of the table.  ****  
** **

This had to have cost a fortune.  ****  
** **

Their tickets were already paid for, so they waltzed in, embracing the scents of fruit and teenage perspirance.  ****  
** **

Tyler had his hand clasped in Josh's and he whispered into the other’s ear, listening to him laugh softly at his stupid jokes.  ****  
** **

God, he was so fucking in love.  ****  
** **

He could feel the eyes of other students on their backs, but he stood tall, pressing a light kiss to the back of Josh’s hand. This was their night.  ****  
** **

Once the group was all inside, they split up, some heading to the photo booth or for the catering tables lining the room. Josh dragged Tyler over to the punch, who watched with dreamy eyes as the other insisted that they get some before it got spiked. So they drank some punch, and grabbed some ice cream sandwiches while they were at it, listening to the loud thud of the music. They laughed into each other’s shoulders and held each other’s hands, with light blushes on their cheeks and lips sweeter than sugar.  ****  
** **

It was like a fairytale.  ****  
** **

They stood in the unbelievably long line for pictures soon afterward, which came out blurry on the strips because they were moving too much from laughter. Tyler pocketed them, knowing he would cherish them forever.  ****  
** **

The music was all nineties, with a couple sprinkled in modern day stuff. Tyler joined Jenna, who looked absolutely stunning, dancing a jive. They twisted, turned, holding hands as they changed sides. They probably looked like idiots, but they were all grins and laughter. When the song ended, the whole group had reconvened, clapping and cheering stupidly, and Tyler was just happy and more alive than he’d ever been. Josh was among those clapping too, and for that Tyler could never be more grateful.  ****  
** **

Ever since he’d come out, hell, since he'd started dating Josh, a part of him he’d never known had really come out to play. He wouldn’t have dared to do this nine months ago, to feel the vibe of the music and let his body go free. Yeah, sure, he was still the same person, but he was _happy_ and _in love_ and he was okay with that.  ****  
** **

In ten years he would probably still remember this night, probably for the rest of his life. Music, friends, good times, dance.  ****  
** **

In the venue, good vibes flowed like an airborne virus. There was love in the air, hyping them all up and giving them the time of their lives.   ****  
** **

He danced like no one was watching, even though they all surely were. He even danced with Brendon (the fucker) acting silly and moving to the bassed-up beat. He didn’t care.  ****  
** **

Eventually, he had managed to pull in a very reluctant Josh, dragging him to the dance floor to jive and boogie to rave music and stupid throw backs like the cha-cha slide. They were feeding off each other’s energy and smiles, and honestly, Tyler couldn’t get enough.  ****  
** **

Sometime later, the mood settled down as they were all overcome with hunger (again) and they headed to the catering tables for some food. They were eating together, stuck in each their own separate conversations, when the DJ spoke.  ****  
** **

_“I think we should slow it down a bit, what do y’all think?”_ ****  
** **

A chorus of pregamed students replied with cheers, and the atmosphere began to shift to one of romance.  ****  
** **

Josh snickered softly, picking at the last of the pizza on his plate. Tyler just stared, so transfixed the simple way the light hit his eyes and darkened certain parts of his face.  ****  
** **

“May I have this dance, handsome?” Tyler stood up, fixing his bowtie and holding his hand out for Josh to take.  ****  
** **

“What?” Josh asked, beginning to wipe his hands off of food grease. “...with just me?” ****  
** **

“Of course, dippy.” He gave his most charming smile. “Dance with me, Josh.”

Tyler was pretty sure what unfolded over the next five minutes or so was something to be filed away in his memory forever.

The two boys ended up in the center of the dance floor, sharing soft glances and tender touches. Tyler‘s hands were settled around Josh’s hips, and the other’s hands draped around his neck. Josh was smiling a little shyly, and Tyler was looking down at him trying to refrain from bursting out in tears right then and there.

They were pulling some surprisingly extravagant and advanced moves, and it was all so surreal. Tyler also had to wonder how in the hell Josh knew how to dance so well, it was almost breathtaking. Even though they were in a room with hundreds of other people, the moment still felt close and so romantic.

True (by the Spandau Ballet) started echoing throughout the hall and the two swayed back and forth, foreheads pressed together, to the soft rhythm.

“Hey, Josh?” His nervousness seeped into his voice. “Can I say something?”

Josh hummed quietly, pulling back and giving him the okay to continue.

“Josh…” He took a small breath, averting his gaze down to the floor. “I don’t know if this is the right time to say this, but I’m so freaking in love you, and I think I have been since I first kissed you on that rooftop. I don’t think I had realised it yet, because it felt so natural and easy to fall for you.”

He sighed shakily.

“I never thought love was for me. I kept thinking that I would never be lucky enough to meet someone who would make me- _me_ feel that way. Then suddenly I was with you and I knew what I felt, it was love.” His eyes were filling with tears. “You’ve given me a reason to succeed, a reason to better myself, a reason work for my dreams. You’ve taught me the importance of knowing and-and accepting myself, and not caring what others think. Even when I see you all day, I still miss you the second you’re gone. I want to shout it from the rooftops that you’re mine and that I’m the luckiest man alive because of that. I don’t feel like my life is a rollercoaster anymore, or that my world is going to fall apart at any second. Because, Josh… you are my world. You are my best friend, the one person I can’t imagine living without, the absolute love of my life.”

Tyler’s face flushed and he still stared at the ground.

“I don’t want to overwhelm you or anything, but this is _it_ for me. I know we’re only eighteen and stuff, but… you’re _it._ The one. Mine. In that kind of way where I don’t think I’ll ever feel this way about anyone else. Ever. And I want to be with you and just you. Forever. As long as that may be.”

He barely had a second to process Josh’s tear-stained face, because as soon as the last syllable escaped his lips, he discovered hands gripping tightly onto his collar and found himself interlocked in a kiss. Tyler’s eyes widened and it took a second for him to realize Josh was kissing him, but only half of one for him to start kissing Josh back.

His eyes fluttered shut and in the darkness of his eyelids, lights exploded and fireworks went off. Josh’s lips were chapped and the fresh taste of fruit punch was on his lips, because Tyler didn’t care because all he could focus on was the warmth spreading through his body like liquid metal. All he could focus on was Josh. All he could feel was Josh.

His warmth, his touch, his being.

Tyler’s hand slid up from his hips, all the way up to gently cup his cheek, just to bring him closer.

It was agony, knowing that this was the last time in a long time they would be able to feel each other’s souls like this. Tyler’s heart ached when his Josh’s hands pulled his collar even closer, like this might be their last kiss. His body, his being craved for Josh, but the tragic universe wouldn’t allow them many more moments like this.

It was just for now, and Tyler couldn't take it. Soon he could feel tears stinging in his eyes, and when Josh pulled away for air, Tyler pulled him back in.  

He just couldn’t let go.

 

***

****

The silver moon was high in the sky giving off the only decent light, apart from the lampposts inked with dirty tungsten bulbs. ****  
** **

Josh watched wordlessly as Tyler placed the keys into the lock, something stirring within him that caused his tongue to lie listless in his mouth.  ****  
** **

They headed upstairs, careful with their feet, not wanting to wake anyone in the sleeping house. By the time they finally found themselves in Tyler’s room, Josh had already loosened his bowtie and undone the first button on his shirt. He ran his fingers in his hair, watching amusedly as Tyler turned, only to do the same. They laughed in whispers.  ****  
** **

Tyler removed the suit jacket, draping over his desk chair and took off his bowtie as well. The ambiance had changed.  ****  
** **

“I had fun. A lot.” Tyler bit his lip. “Like a lot, a lot.” ****  
** **

“Even though Brendon wouldn’t shut his trap?” ****  
** **

“Biggest drag of the night.” Tyler snickered. “But yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.” ****  
** **

“Was that worth the overpriced ticket?” Josh offered him a small smile.  ****  
** **

“Definitely.” Tyler stepped closer to him, pushing him back with his chest, until Josh was pressed gently up against the wall. “It was worth six. Maybe even seven.” ****  
** **

“Yeah?” ****  
** **

“Yeah.” ****  
** **

Their bodies were so close, their chests barely parted. There was enough room for Josh to push him away. In the gap between them fluttered a respect for boundaries and the confirmation of consent, and Tyler waited patiently for an answer.  ****  
** **

There was this swirling, insatiable emptiness that sat right below his rib cage. Josh nodded.

Tyler leaned in, and when their lips met, it felt so different. It was slow and deep, and Josh could feel it in the bottom of his stomach. Tyler’s hands were holding his weight against the wall, and with his legs slightly parted, a tingling began in his thighs.

Nothing felt forced or rehearsed. Anything that happened in the moment was part of the moment. Tyler was never awkward, never nervous, never unsure. He was just there. With him. For as long as they saw fit.

With a laugh Tyler lifted him right off his feet, carrying him toward the bed, letting him fall with a soft bounce on the mattress. Tyler knelt between his legs, and they locked eyes for moment.

“Josh,” His voice was low. “Are you okay doing this? It’s okay if you’re not.”

Josh hurried to nod. “Yeah.” There was a burning in his chest.

“Are you sure?”

“Just… nothing penetrative.” He flushed, face heating up along with his whole body.

Tyler gave him a chaste peck on the lips, eyes sparkling with understanding. “Of course.”

The world seemed dreamlike as he pulled back from Tyler, the moonlight setting his face aglow. Without speaking, Josh started to undo the buttons on his shirt. Tyler watched, mouth slightly agape, as he made his way downward, to the last button. With each one, his fingers would brush against his heated skin, and Josh smiled softly at him when he finally finished.  
  
Tyler pulled off the piece of clothing and discarded it somewhere on the floor. "One more time," His voice was gravely, dripping with honey. "Give me your full and honest consent. No hard feelings if you want to back out."  
  
"Tyler." Was all he could say. His brain was short circuiting.  
  
The other boy didn't move.  
  
"Yes, I want this, Tyler. I want you."  
  
He felt short of breath as he managed to get that out, but his air was stolen once again as Tyler lowered his head and peppered ghost kisses all over his chest and slowly ran his tongue up his neck. Tyler's hands gently caressed his back, his arms, his shoulders, and their heated bodies pressed together, skin to skin.  
  
Josh breathed in his scent and felt like he was falling all over again.  
  
"Again, please."  
  
Tyler rolled his hips down accordingly and a whimper swelled in Josh’s throat.  
  
Tyler's forehead lowered to his, and he whispered, “I want to make you feel good. What can I do? To make it easier on you, You know... I don't really know what to do from here on."  
  
"Take the lead." Josh mumbled, his hands fiddling with the fly of the other's pants. "I'm right here with you."  
  
This seemed to be enough of an answer, as Tyler's mouth took his in a soft, smoldering kiss. Releasing his hand Josh hadn’t noticed he’d been holding, Tyler gathered his body closer, pressing and rubbing, keeping him grounded. Josh's body started to tremble, and Tyler knew from one look that it was from anticipation, not fear.  
  
Josh's hands feverently tugged at his pants once more, and Tyler laughed, feathery and beautiful.  
  
He stood up off the bed after a breath, removed his pants and tossing them somewhere else.  
  
There was something so disarming about seeing Tyler naked. There was a vulnerability in his eyes that made Josh back arch a little and his eyes stung. His gaze traveled from his face to his collar bone to his toes, just taking him all in.  
  
Tyler stood dumbly in the middle on the room, eyes anywhere but Josh.  
  
"Dude, I've seen your dick before." He beckoned Tyler with, though his voice cracked a bit. The small chuckle Tyler let out caused his chest to tingle again.  
  
He climbed back onto the bed, rocking it with his movement. "What about you?" His voice had that soft tone again. "You want me to help you or you wanna keep them on?"  
  
"Help me." Josh swooned, and Tyler made a sound of acknowledgement. He grabbed Josh by the waist, pulling him up close against his chest. His hand gently flowed through Josh's hair, as he looked at him in a way he had never looked at him before. As a small, teasing smile crept upon his face, raising goosebumps on Josh's skin. Nothing else mattered except right here, right now.  
  
Tyler's fingertips were electric, they had to be, for wherever they touched, his skin tingled in a static. As his hands moved over Josh's skin, his body was paralyzed, mind unable to process everything so fast.  
  
Before Josh knew it, his own pants were being tossed aside, and Tyler's hands hovered over the hem of his boxers.

"Josh," Tyler's length was flat against his stomach. "You're in control here, remember. The second anything hurts physically or... or emotionally, say something, and we'll stop right away, okay?"  
  
"Yeah." Josh's voice wavered.  
  
"Right away, okay?" He gave a small chaste kiss to his forehead.  
  
Then he was all business, lifting Josh’s hips slightly to pull the fabric off of him. With no clothes to hide himself with, nothing to mask his arousal, or to shield his scars from a harsh gaze, he felt rejected and accepted in the same moment. He was overwhelmed by the powerlessness, the love, radiating from the boy who hovered above, scanning over his body like he was watching the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Josh’s mind was suspended between being strong or surrendering his vanity, trying to find the ground beneath his feet.  

Soon Tyler was kissing from his stomach upward, slowly, his hands holding his hips down. Josh’s head rocked back against the pillow as he felt Tyler’s frozen fingertips trace his skin, the first moan escaping his lips.

Tyler pressed his lips like butterfly wings against the scars on his thighs. Josh choked on his own breath, his lip slipping inside his mouth.

There was something about him that lit Josh up from the inside, something about the gentle care and slight nervousness he exuded. Josh couldn't stop caressing his sides and gently thumbing at his nipples because, god, touching Tyler was like being handed the holy grail. His heart was mending even though he never knew it was broken.  
  
His toes curled.  
  
“Tyler…” Josh moaned out, struggling to keep quiet. He reached for Tyler's dick but the other boy grabbed his wrist, stopping his wandering hand.  
  
"Be vulnerable with me, Josh." Tyler hummed, replying gently and suddenly, _finally_ slipping his fist down Josh’s length, slowly, carefully.  
  
He squeezed it and dragged his hand back up, never once breaking eye contact. His eyes were so different in that moment, more soft than Josh knew eyes could be. If it were anyone else, Josh would’ve dropped his gaze by now, but instead with him Josh was drawn in closer, always wanting more.

Josh groaned quietly, and he noted when Tyler’s dick jumped at the sound, yet the boy refused to lay a finger on himself. He didn’t even seem to paying attention to himself, even though the head of his dick was turning a rosy pink from the pressure, matching the flushing in his cheeks. Instead though, he only touched Josh, perfectly in tune with each soft gasp that escaped his lips.

Eventually, his motions picked up but they weren’t rushed, even as Josh keened high into the silence. They were both covered in sweat, and a bit even dripped from Tyler onto Josh’s hips, but it never even crossed his mind. There was no self-consciousness, of his scars, his body, his past. Just pure, in the moment, joy.

He felt like a vagrant turned homebody, emanating from the fact that he just felt so safe with Tyler. He was coming home, into his own body. Tyler’s lips unraveled all of his insecurities, stopping time and space. He could surrender his walls so deeply, and Josh melted into nothingness.

He leaned down, pressing his mouth to Josh’s nipple, tongue circling the nubs. Josh arched into him, the whine that left his mouth, high pitched and concerningly loud. Tyler didn’t let up, moving back to Josh’s lips, even as his chest stuttered and swelled. His cheeks burned and his body went fuzzy as his mind tried to memorize every single detail. It was driving him crazy not to touch him, even though he knew Tyler was waiting for his approval, his final confirmation, putting his own pleasure aside to make sure Josh was okay. He was more than okay. Way, way more okay.

“Wait,” Josh murmured against Tyler’s lips, no longer wanting to swallow his own words. Tyler’s hands left his body a half a second later, concern filling his gaze as he moved to look at Josh.

“Do you need to stop?”

Josh couldn’t help but move his head to taste Tyler’s panting, in a slow, messy kiss. He rubbed his thumb in circles on Tyler’s nape, before moving his own arm down to reach Tyler’s length, taking it in his palm. Tyler exhaled, just as silky as the bedsheets, and his mouth was close enough to Josh that the warm breath ghosted over his lips. Josh sucked Tyler’s bottom lip into his mouth momentarily before lightly letting their lips brush. Tyler was shaking, probably from prolonged lack of touch, Josh didn’t stop running his fist soothingly up and down Tyler’s length, cooing softly to him, listening to his growing pants and soft whines.

They weren’t fucking.

Josh didn’t think ‘fucking’ even began to encapsulate the range of emotions warping in his chest.

It wasn’t quick, or rough and all of the touches were gentle, leaving no mark other than a lingering amazement with one another. There was no music other than the quiet gritting of the bedsheets and the soft sounds they made against the other’s skin.

They were kissing and touching, respecting and admiring each other’s bodies.

An entire ocean of ink wouldn’t be enough to describe how it felt. It was a burst of light in dwindling stars. It was the darkness itself in the breath before sunrise. It was everything and nothing at the same time.

It was love.

Josh tried to keep himself together, but with the way Tyler lured him into kisses and moaned against his mouth, with his calloused hands running all over his back and chest, with how his hair caught the lackluster light just right, with how vulnerable they were both acting, he couldn’t help as tears began to slip down his cheeks.

Tyler didn’t tease him for crying either, mostly because Josh watched in awe as his eyes began to gloss over as well.

Two arms moving at different speeds and in different directions, while their foreheads were pressed against one another, as romantic as it was, was difficult to keep up for much longer. It wasn’t enough for either of them. They needed to be closer.  

Josh moved his hips, feeling himself slip from Tyler’s grasp, and just when Tyler was about to take him in his hand again, Josh brushed his length against Tyler’s, listening to the chorus that escaped their throats.

“Josh, wh-what-” He started, hips still. Josh scooted down, burying his forehead in the curve of Tyler’s shoulder, and stretched his hand as far around both them as he could. Tyler’s jaw dropped, forming a perfect ‘o’, before his chest flushed red and he moaned breathily, soulfully. Their foreheads met again as Tyler’s hand gripped Josh’s forearm, his lips turning red from biting to hard on them to hold back his faint moans. Josh moved his hands faster, wanting to feel the other’s uncontrolled breaths, only to feel Tyler hand clasp around his own, working the two of them closer and closer.

A thrumming started at his ankles, burning into his back and flowing out of the top of his head. He could see Tyler's soul, his own so bare it pained him, but it was liberating.

In the twilight room their palms caressed each other's skin as if a heavier touch would break the heady euphoria coursing through their veins. There was an explosion of the best flavors in the universe all at once mingling together, between them. There was no division between them. It was just pure, unfiltered and coursing through every vein, cell, and thought in their bodies. They became one, one mind with a purpose, both completely high on love for one another.

One moment, _their_ moment, a brilliant feeling of togetherness suspended in time. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! but now the real news, this fic is coming to an end pretty soon. like in a month and a half (tops) soon, which means I gotta decide if I want this to have a happy ending or not... 
> 
> We only have about 3 or 4 more chapters left. yikes.
> 
> p.s. thank you guys so much for the 200 kudos!!


	28. Donor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, what's good? small announcement incoming:
> 
> So on my last chapter, Kuki24 (btw, thank you for all your supportive comments, I read them all) commented something about doing a version of this fic from Brendon's and Dallon's perspectives. Reading that, I was like, dang, that's a really good idea. I'm seriously considering it. Would you guys like to see something like that?
> 
> Although, I have some other story/plot ideas I've been developing behind the scenes, so if I do decide to pursue that idea, it won't be in the super near future. 
> 
> It is a really good idea. Thanks, Kuki24.

They went to the hospital the day after prom.

Tyler decided that it would be better for them to walk there since they could barely keep their eyes open.

Fucking around all night, though worth it, made them too sleepy to do much of anything, and so it was probably too dangerous to drive. So there they were, sleepily and giddily wandering down to the hospital parking lot.

When they reached the entrance, Tyler grabbed Josh by the waist, pulled him into a kiss, smiling at the small sound of surprise he let out. 

“I love you.” He whispered, already grinning too much to keep kissing. 

“I... love you too.” Josh replied, slight confusion in his voice.

They walked through the doors, hand in hand, and checked in at the reception desk. Lewis came out to greet them shortly thereafter, leading them back to his office.

“Good morning, gentlemen.” He continued after they both responded back in unison. “No time for beating around the bush, I suppose.”

“Pardon me for asking, but w-why did you call us in?” Josh asked hesitantly, his voice rumbling like a storm deep inside of him. It was low and soft, but powerful enough to send chills, and Tyler found himself enthralled.

“It's no problem, Josh, I guess I should get to it.” He cleared his throat. “More or less, I wanted to discuss the surgery risks to ensure you made the right choice.”

Tyler and Josh exchanged looks before Lewis continued.

“You haven't been smoking or using any other non-prescription substance, right, Joshua?”

“No, I have been trying to get better, sir.” He had a gleam in his eye.

“No need for such formalities, Josh.” The man smiled. “But it is good that you've stopped using. Quite admirable, actually. It's going to make this a lot easier.”

Tyler offered his fist for Josh to bump, which he did, which was followed up by both making an explosion sound with their mouths. 

Lewis laughed. “Yes, the prospects of the surgery are much better now that you're not smoking.” 

“Why?”

"Since you aren't smoking anymore, like I said, it's probably going to reduce the risk of anything happening during the surgery." He looked at their likely puzzled expressions before continuing. "Smoking weakens your lungs and coats them with ash. The more you smoke, the more of your lung we have to operate on. More or less, some of the outcomes we are not hoping for are, one, your body goes into shock and we have to end the surgery before any progress it made, or two, your body reacts badly or rejects the new lung lobe after the surgery. Worst case scenario, complications occur during the actual procedure and... well, you die."   
  
"Oh." Josh paused. "And on top of that, f-finding a donor for me is extra difficult, right?"   
  
"Yes." Lewis sighed. "I wish there was some other way we could fight of this cancer, but there isn't, since your body isn't strong enough to withstand a long term, steady-attack plan, like solely chemotherapy."   
  
"When the latest you could do the surgery? Like the latest date, if you know when that is."    
  
"Absolute latest date was what we planned actually, and that would set the operation on June 17th."   
  
Josh paled.   
  
"Why? Is that a problem for you, Josh?"   
  
"No, It's just... that's the day before my birthday."   
  
"Oh." Lewis grimaced.   
  
"So either I turn eighteen..." Josh gulped. "Or I don't."   
  
"So we need to decide if this is really worth it?" Tyler interjected. "I mean- it's Josh's decision."   
  
"So what do you say, son?" The man turned to face him. "It's your life, so it's your decision."   
  
"I'll do it." Josh didn't even hesitate.   
  
"Are you sure? Josh, you know you don't have to. There are very high chances that... y'know." Tyler was a bit taken aback.   
  
"Yeah, I'm positive." Josh smiled big, sitting back in his chair. "It's either I might die a little bit earlier than expected, or I die for sure like a day or two later. It's an easy decision for me."   
  
"Alright then." Lewis nodded. "That settles it."

  
  
***

  
  
"I wish it wasn't like this." Tyler blurted.   
  
They were driving back home, well into the afternoon, after discussing the nuts and bolts with Lewis, and placing Josh on the living donor list. Surgery costs had lowered slightly as more fundraised money appeared, but it was not nearly enough to bring down the cost to an affordable level. Lewis promised that they could go on with the procedure, and deal with costs later.   
  
Josh couldn't afford it, and Tyler didn't know how to help.   
  
"Like what?" Josh cocked his head to the side.   
  
"This. You don't deserve any of this bullshit."   
  
"The cancer?"    
  
"That. The expensive surgeries and your abuse that caused all of this-"   
  
Josh flinched. "Yeah, sure, my dad wasn't the greatest in the world, but I shouldn't have smoked to cope."   
  
"You shouldn't have been abused in the first place."    
  
"Fair." Josh shrugged. "But it is what it is now, right? Wishing isn't going to ch-change anything now, it's just going to make us unnecessarily bitter."   
  
"Unnecessarily?" Tyler scoffed. "It's a pretty fucked up universe if you of all people should have to deal with this. I would have even understood if it had been me. In fact, I  _ wish  _ it was me instead-"   
  
"C'mon, Tyler." Josh huffed. "I have cancer. I'm probably going to die. It is what the fuck it is."   
  
"What if I never find someone like you?"

The question escaped Tyler's mouth before he had a chance to stop himself. He clamped a hand over his mouth as soon as the words clambered out, training his eyes on the road ahead.   
  
"W-what?" Josh's voice was weak when it reached Tyler's ears. "Tyler-"   
  
"I'm sorry." He rushed out. "I didn't mean to make it all about me- I'm sorry. I know you're struggling and shit, Josh, but it's hurting me to see you like this. I can't help. Again, I know this isn't all about me, it's about you, but you need someone and I'm not sure if I'm good enough to be there for you."   
  
"Tyler-" Josh started to object, but Tyler was quick to cut him off.   
  
"No." Tyler shook his head to emphasize it. "You're gonna be doing surgery in a couple of weeks, Josh. Weeks. And it has a high fucking chance of killing you. You've made me so happy over these last nine months, and holy shit, you seem so... nonchalant about possibly dying."   
  
"Worrying about the procedure isn't going to make it any less dangerous."   
  
"I know, but- damn!" Tyler growled, more at himself. "You could be dead in a matter of weeks and I don't know what to do to make this time together count, because it might be our last, and that's just so fucking scary. I don't know if we should do more, or less, or if it's okay right now- because in like three weeks you could be dead. I could lose everything that makes life worth living for me."   
  
"You made it about yourself again." Josh exhaled.   
  
"Well, shit. I don't know what you think about any of this since you don't tell me, so who the fuck else do you expect me to talk about?"   
  
"You want to know how I feel?" Josh finally turned to him.   
  
"I'd love to." He rolled his eyes.   
  
"I'm fucking terrified. But not of the surgery." Josh said, obviously trying to keep his voice level. "I kind of want to live now, and that might be taken away from me. This surgery could save me, or it could speed up my death. That’s a really hard decision to even go and think about, but this would have been a way easier decision if I still wanted to die. I just started getting better, but what if that's just because I'm dying? What if as soon as I get better, I start to regress? Is it the fear of death that's making me recover? Who  _ am _ I without my trauma?" There was something in the desperation of his tone that stopped Tyler from trying to answer him. "I wish I never fucking started recovering so that at least I would've died the same way I lived."   
  
Tyler swallowed slowly. "Is that... how you really feel? Terrified, of getting to live again?   
  
"Not everything's about you, Tyler." He said, instead of answering.    
  
"You seem so much happier now." The car pulled into park. "Fewer panic attacks, you're so smiley and I know they're genuine now. You're gaining control of your own life. You don't want a chance to continue with this?"   
  
"So you want me to do the surgery?"   
  
"Not exactly. I... I want to you to make your decision clear headed."   
  
"I'm not crazy."   
  
"I didn't say you were." Tyler sighed. "But you do have a history of holding your tongue when you have to speak up. So I just want to make sure you know how many people it's going to affect before-"   
  
Josh got out of the car, heading towards the house before Tyler could even finish.

  
  
***

  
  
They were lying in bed, a noticeable gap between their bodies.   
  
Nighttime had long fallen, and Josh found himself awake as can be, unable to rest his eyes. He wasn't sure if Tyler was awake, but he didn't want to risk it by turning over to check. They weren’t cuddling like usual, and lying on the bed in between them were hundreds of fears and unanswered questions. 

He guessed one couldn't really go to sleep angry.   
  
"Hey, Josh?" The voice was whisper quiet. "Are you still up?"   
  
Josh said nothing, waiting for a few seconds, hoping that Tyler would go back to bed.   
  
"Josh?"   
  
"Yeah... I'm up." His own mouth betrayed him. "What's up?"   
  
"I'm sorry if I went too far today."

“You’re sorry?”

There was a small intake of breath. 

"I shouldn't have said anything. I'm trying to be better. Y'know, more supportive and kinder but every single day I find a way to fuck it up. I'm trying, Josh, I swear, to try to deserve you but I'm so fucking  _ scared. _ I wish I knew how to not talk about m-myself all the time, and I'm working on it, but it's all I know. I'm just so fucking _ stupid _ and self important, and I want to be better for you. I know I'm supposed to be the strong one, because... you're struggling, and I have to be there. It's killing me to not be able to help you, but I'm giving my all and I have nothing more to give. I'm not enough for you, Josh. Fuck, that's what I meant when I said I wish it was different.  I wish I could as good to you as you've been to me but I can't."   
  
Josh exhaled, turning over to face him, only to find his eyes filled to the brim with tears, nose red from restraint.   
  
"I should be apologizing-"   
  
"No, you haven't done anything wrong. This is all on me."   
  
"You're in pain, and I didn't have to invalidate your feelings by calling you egotistical."   
  
"I'm not in pain-"   
  
"So you're telling me, that me possibly dying, is having no effect on you?"   
  
Tyler winced. "That's not what I'm saying, but-"   
  
"No buts." Josh said, firmly. "This relationship is not all about me, if you feel some type of way about anything, you should be able to come to me about it. I know this cancer thing is big, and I'm becoming... more trusting and stuff, but that doesn't mean you have to be a stoic protector of me. I need you, and okay if you still need me sometimes."   
  
"But... when I needed you really bad with… my depression and shit, you were there, no questions asked. No struggling to keep your emotions in check."   
  
"Yeah, well, I was a lot more emotionally constipated back then." Tyler chuckled a bit at that. "In all seriousness though, I just kept my shit bottled up, and obviously it didn't do me any good. All I'm saying is that you don't have to keep your stuff to yourself just because you're scared of overwhelming me. I'm here for you, like you're here for me."   
  
Tyler smiled.

“Now,” Josh gave him a peck on the lips. “Go to bed, you cheeky bastard.”

 

***

 

Tyler was walking from Music Theory to Study Hall, with Josh on his arm. He sneered mockingly as students gave them wary looks in the hallway. 

Josh was telling him about some stupid thing his Chemistry teacher said earlier that day, and Tyler listened, kind of half-assedly. He was nodding along, laughing at all the right times, but also on high alert, to send death glares to anyone who looked at them twice. 

A tug on his jumper got him to look back down at Josh. 

“You don’t have to be so guarded, Tyler. Everyone knows about us by now, so who cares if they give us a nasty look?”

“It doesn't really matter to me, truly.” Tyler shrugged. “But I know this wouldn’t be happening if I were straight, and that’s lowkey pissing me off.”

“So, whatcha going to do about it? Stare at everyone till they fuck off? That’s gonna give you wrinkles, y’know.”

“If I have to look like a three day old prune to ensure that no one gives us a side eye, then so be it.”

Josh snickered, and Tyler felt accomplished. 

They continued walking and talking casually, exchanging a couple more laughs, before Tyler felt a hand shove his shoulder. 

He sighed. 

“Long time, no see, Joseph.”

“Alex,” Tyler snarled. “It’s a pleasure to see you.”

The boy smirked, making Tyler’s hair stand on end.  

“As always.” Alex raked a hand through his ratty hair. “I see the rumors are true.”

“What rumors?”

“That you’re screwing Dun, over there.” Josh’s body tensed at the mention of his name. 

Tyler huffed a sarcastic laugh, turning to lift his boyfriend’s chin, pressing a slow kiss to lips. He pulled off slowly, watching as anger darkened Alex’s features. 

“Well, you’re about three weeks too late.”

“It’s people like you-”

“People like me?”

“Yeah, fags-”

Tyler took a step forward, but felt a hand snake around his bicep, holding him back. 

“Tyler,” Josh’s voice was taut. “Let’s just go.”

“Weak.” Alex spat, as Tyler started to turn. 

Tyler rolled his eyes, taking a breath to keep himself from pouncing on Alex. 

“Keep rolling your eyes, Joseph.” He sneered. “Maybe you’ll find your brain back there. Maybe you’re still worth salvation.”

“My name must taste really fucking good if it’s always in your mouth.”

Alex’s face turned red and he began to follow the two of them down the hall. 

“Fucking test me, Tyler, I dare you-”

“You don’t like me, fuck off. Problem solved.” Tyler concluded by giving Alex the bird, pushing it high into the air. He watched, smiling, when Josh decided to join him, just for a split second though. 

They raced off to their class before Alex could react. 

They collapsed into their seats, high fiving and laughing uncontrollably. 

Fuck everyone else. 

***

The rest of the school week passed by without much event, and on Saturday night, they escaped to the studio. 

Tyler was slamming his fingers against the keyboard, screaming into the mic, watching as Josh drummed with just as much passion from across the room. 

The instrumentals concluded, and Tyler perked up, glancing over at the sweat-glazed boy across from him. 

“Want to be part of my band?"   
  
The question made Josh turn, eyebrow raised, but eyes crinkled in a small smile.   
  
"Is this like... an official ask?"   
  
Tyler reached for his water, taking a long, slow gulp before answering him.   
  
"I guess. I can't be a band with only one person."   
  
"And you chose me, why?"   
  
"You play with the same intensity that I sing with, and that stage energy is gonna be unparalleled. You understand the dream, the meaning behind the words. And plus, you're incredible to watch play."   
  
Josh gave him a small smirk. "So you chose me because I'm a pretty face?"   
  
"Yes." Tyler deadpanned, earning a giggle from the other boy. "So what's it gonna be? You want to be in this with me?"   
  
"I'd be the lead drummer, right?"   
  
"Of course."   
  
"Then... I think I'll take you up on that offer. It's a yes from me."   
  
"Alright then," Tyler grinned. "Welcome to twenty one pilots."

  
  
***

  
  
Later that day, when the sun had dipped below the horizon, Tyler returned to the studio.

He settled in one of the chairs, spinning around in it, and just taking in the surrounding room.

There were so many memories in this building, stemming from the very first day, when Josh had handed him the keys. Ever since then, this studio was the only thing that made his dream tangible; his farfetched goals in life, they actually seemed achievable. He'd spent hours in here, recording and tweaking his own original songs. He made his own music, and each time he pressed the final keys to let the song conclude, he nearly burst out in tears.   
  
His whole life, he'd lived thinking that he would eventually join the 9 to 5 workforce, working till he burned out and had no life left in him. Now, though, holding poor quality recordings of his own songs, he had a feeling this could work.   
  
An inkling, that he could do this.   
  
And that thought alone filled him up with more hope than possibly imaginable.   
  
He owed that all to Josh.   
  
A knock at the door, a loud one at that, had him scrambling to go pull apart the huge metal doors.   
  
Brendon pulled his earbuds out of his ears, his eyebrows stitching together.   
  
"You best have a damn good reason for hitting me up at twelve in the fucking morning, Joseph."   
  
"Good, you're up." Tyler moved away from the door, letting the other boy in.   
  
Brendon stood in one place for a bit, glancing around the room.   
  
"Wow, you two have definitely spruced up the place." He eventually said. "I haven't been back, since I helped Josh set this up."   
  
Tyler hummed, acknowledging what he said, and settled down in one of the chairs.   
  
"I need a huge fucking favor."   
  
"Yeah?" Brendon hustled over him, going to take the seat across from Tyler, when he paused. "You guys haven't fucked on this chair right?"   
  
Tyler snorted. "Sit."   
  
Brendon hesitantly lowered himself onto the seat, grimacing the whole way down. He looked so uncomfortable sitting there, Tyler had to let out a little chuckle.   
  
"So what do you need? That couldn't wait till tomorrow." He yawned.   
  
"Well, first, I need you to help me empty out this place."   
  
"For real?"   
  
"I'm not done." Tyler held up two fingers. "Second, I need you to use that weird ass visionary talent of yours and help me take the best damn pictures of this place."   
  
"And, third," He held up another finger. "You absolutely cannot tell Josh."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Because."   
  
Brendon huffed, which led into a tired shrug. "Okay."   
  
"Okay?"   
  
"Sure. It seems like a pretty big deal to you so I'll help. And plus it's not too much work. But I have a question."   
  
"Go for it.”   
  
"Why didn't you ask Dallon instead?" He groaned.   
  
"Get over it." Tyler stood, straightening out the crinkles in his clothes. "But I didn't ask Dal instead because I knew he'd try to talk me out of this. And he'd probably succeed."   
  
Brendon laughed, seemingly agreeing. "Yep, that's my boyfriend."

  
  
***

  
  
It was midday, the first of June.  
  
"This movie is dumb." Tyler whined for the third time.

They’d skipped out on school to hang out and mess around. Enjoy each other’s presence, and all that sappy shit. 

"Pansy." Josh wrapped his arms around the other’s torso and hugged him close. "Tired?" 

They were fighting for some sort of dominance, kind of like wrestling each other to be the big spoon. One moment, Josh would be grasping on tightly to Tyler's hips, and the next, when he let his guard down, Tyler would have flipped him over.

"Maybe." He murmured, sighing.   
  
The said brunette was currently trying to turn him over, but Josh continued to hug him tightly to his chest, laughing as Tyler grumbled in defeat.   
  
"Let me spoon you, Josh." He whined, and Josh help the little laugh he let out.    
  
"But I want to spoon you, Ty." He whined back, mocking Tyler a bit.   
  
"Yeah, but I want to spoon you more."   
  
"Not possible. No way."   
  
"Yes, way." Tyler started pouting, and Josh just had to lean in to give him a peck on the lips.   
  
Tyler grabbed his nape though, pulling him closer and preventing him from pulling back. The boy’s hands held gently onto Josh’s hair. It was magic, and each time their lips met, Josh would swear up and down that it was better than the last. 

Tyler pushed his lips in more firmly and the wave that ran through Josh was intoxicating, making his head swim when he pulled back, eyes still shut and he struggled to process everything.   
  
He smirked when Josh finally opened his eyes, breathing heavily. "Does that mean I get to spoon you?"   
  
Josh steadied his vision. "No."    
  
Tyler threw a pillow at him.

Josh laughed.   
  
Just then, his phone started ringing, and he rolled over to get it.    
  
_ "Hello?"  _   
  
"Yes, how can I help you, Dr. Lewis?" Tyler propped up on one elbow at this, mouthing 'put it on speaker.' Josh complied, laying the phone between them.   
  
_ "We need you to come to the hospital right away." _   
  
"Why? Is something wrong?" His voice started to crack a bit.   
  
_ "No, Josh." _ The man sniffed, sighing, but not discontentedly.  _ "We found a donor." _

  
  
***

  
  
The walls of this particular consultation room were simply cream, not peeling or dirty. 

It was bland and distasteful, but it clean, and that was all that could be asked for. There was no decoration at all, save for a limp curtain draped over a window that felt too small. The curtain seemed like it was once the kind of green that reminded people of summer and hope, but now it had faded to the point of bleakness.   
  
Their hands were clasped tight between them as Josh lay his head on Tyler's shoulder.   
  
Each sound made them jump, with anticipation and nervousness, as they waited for Lewis to join them in the room. 

Josh’s hand was trembling in Tyler’s grasp, and he couldn’t help but to take the terrified boy in his arms. His face was ashen, sweating and he placed a peck on Josh’s forehead, before the boy let out a small squeak. 

“Is everything okay?” Tyler asked as Josh stood up from the bed. 

His glossy skin had lost its color, looking almost anemic, and a cold sweat trailed down his forehead and over his recessed cheeks. His deep brown hair appeared so black against his skin, it created a contrast that only served to make him look that much more haunted. He looked tired, sickly.

“I-” He took a shaky step forward. “I-I need w-water.”

He lifted his legs as if to take another step, but instead he staggered backward, breaths shallow, until he began to fall. 

Tyler wrapped his arms around the other’s waist right before he hit the floor, helping him sit back onto the bed. Tyler placed a hand on Josh’s thigh, and the other on his cheek, forcing eye contact. 

“Josh? Can you hear me?” He moved a thumb across the boy’s stubble. “You need to breathe, C’mon, a deep, slow breath, can you do that for me?”

Josh was nodding, which Tyler took as a good sign, even as his eyes began to water, and tears trailed down his pale, sweaty skin. 

“It’s too r-real.” He coughed out in between breaths. “Too much. Too-”

“Breathe.” Tyler instructed. “What’s too real?”

“I’m going to be taking another part of another person’s body. They’re giving it to me even though they don’t know me or what I’ve been through. A random person I’ve never met is giving me a chance to live again. What makes me deserve that? And then I have to go through surgery, like someone’s literally gonna cut me the fuck open and take out a part of my lung, so I can  _ live.”  _ He gasped, choking in his inhale. “I can’t- It’s just-”

Tyler took Josh’s hand and put it over his own heart, kissing Josh lightly on the forehead. 

“Listen, I know it’s a lot. But, I'm right here, okay? We can meet the donor today, and we’ll decide everything later, alright? One step at a time.”

“But what if-”

“No.” Tyler cut him off. “No buts. Right now, your biggest concern is getting some of that oxygen. I’ve heard some pretty good reviews about it. You should try it.”

Josh chuckled but started taking larger gulps of air nevertheless. Color returned to his skin when Tyler left the room (returning as quickly as possible) and brought back some tepid, plastic-tasting water. 

Tyler smiled when Josh buried his face in his chest, muttering a quiet ‘thank you’ against his stomach. He was just about to respond with some snarky quip when the door opened and Lewis stepped in. 

Josh tensed again. 

“Gentlemen.” He greeted, smiling. “I’m glad that we meet under positive circumstances for once.”

“Yeah, definitely.” Tyler agreed. 

The man chuckled. “But, getting to business; the donor.” His face turned serious. “It was complete luck that we were able to find an individual that matches so many aspects of your lung tissue and blood type. After going through the database for living donors for the past month and a half, and no one has come as remotely close as this particular donor. Although this is a one in a million chance, this donor isn’t perfect. She has a history of smoking-”

“She?” Josh perked up, before covering his mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. 

“It’s not a problem.” Lewis hurried to assure. “Is it an issue that your possible donor is female?”

“No, no,” He flushed. “I just th-thought that you said that my ideal donor would be male, my height, my age, and with a similar lifestyle. I just… want the fewest chances for complications.”

“Yes, but an ideal donor is almost impossible. For anyone. She—the possible donor—is about your height and age, and lives more or less a normal lifestyle. Her lungs are much healthier than yours, and her health would be strong enough to withstand the loss of a lung lobe, despite her habit of recreational smoking.”

Silence fell upon the room, and Lewis sighed, looking between the two of them. 

“She came to the hospital specifically to donate, to save somebody. She came in two weeks ago, and we just got here tests back a couple of days ago. She was ecstatic to have a match, and we really can’t wait for you two to meet today. It’s typically better when the receiver and donor know each other, in my opinion.”

Josh took a shaky breath. His voice was quiet as he spoke, “Y-you want me… to meet the person who’s going to save my life  _ today? _ ”

“Yes, ideally. It’s better to decide if you two are a match, personality wise, as soon as possible.”

“I… I don't know. I’m not ready.”

The doctor gave him a sympathetic look, frowning gently, and shifted his feet where he stood, looking down. “It’s okay, Josh.”

Tyler squeezed his hand, chiming in. “We don’t have to meet her today, but if we do, that’s  _ all  _ you have to do. We just meet her, talk, get to know each other.”

“I’m taking her  _ lung,  _ Tyler.”

“And obviously she’s okay giving it to you.”

Josh scoffed, mumbling something saltily under his breath. His expression softened with nervousness once more, and he finally nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Lewis double-checked. 

“Yeah. Let’s meet her.”

Lewis ducked back through the door, and Tyler turned to Josh, kissing him softly on his slightly-chapped lips. 

“You’re so brave. I hope you know that.”

Josh smiled. “I’m so lucky to have you. I hope  _ you  _ know that.”

“I think you’ve got it backwards, buddy.”

“I love you. I haven’t said in a while.”

“Sap.” Tyler rolled his eyes, but chuckled. “I love you too. We got this, okay?”

Josh started to reply but suddenly the door swung open, with a sharp intake of breath from the two of them. 

Her dress was a primrose color and styled in a way that reflected forethought and consideration. Her mid-length now chestnut hair was waved, curling naturally over her shoulders. When she caught Josh's eye, she smiled shyly, giving a small wave, seemingly to combat his bewildered, open jaw. There was a diffidence to her, a hesitation in her movements and softness in her voice.

“Hey, you two.” She gave another blushing smile.

“Debby?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do y'all still hate Debby? Let me know! Thoughts, predictions? We only have two more chapters left...


	29. Wordless Goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo,
> 
> we're picking up right where we left off.

Debby gave them a nervous smile, as if she was unsure how this would unfold.  
  
Lewis glanced between them. "Oh, do you two know each other?"  
  
"You're my d-donor?" Josh's voice was soft, weak. Lewis’ question was ignored.  
  
"You deserve this, and I can actually help you for once."  
  
"I'm not doing it." He hissed. "No way in hell I'm doing the surgery."  
  
"I'm your only chance to live Josh. You know that. Why won’t you do the surgery?"  
  
"I'm not taking your lung, Debby."

"You're not going to find another donor."  
  
"It's true." Lewis stepped in now. "Ms. Ryan is a chance donor for you. If you don't take it, the likelihood of you finding another suitable match in the next sixteen days is extremely low."  
  
"Yeah." Tyler placed a hand on his shoulder. "It shouldn't matter if you know her. She's willing to give you the organ, even though she knows you."  
  
"I do want to give my lung, Josh." She stepped up and placed a hand on his other shoulder. "I love you and-"  
  
"No, you don't."  
  
"I do, and you know that better than anyone."  
  
"You're n-not doing this because you love me."  
  
"I am-"  
  
"You're doing this because you think it's your fault that I have cancer." He spat.  
  
The room fell silent, and Debby looked down at her heels.  
  
"I..." She tried to say, but she was struggling to find words.  
  
"Debby," Tyler's tone was hesitant. "You're very... brave to offer to be Josh's donor, but you definitely shouldn't do it out of guilt. You should do this because you want to."  
  
She was chewing on one of her acrylic nails, refusing to make eye contact.  
  
"That's right." Lewis finally spoke up again. "You both have to do a psych evaluation before the surgery is performed, and if you are doing this out of guilt over personal matters, you will be deemed unfit as a donor."  
  
"I'm..." She started. "I'm not doing it out of guilt. But I do owe you at least this."  
  
"You don't owe me a damn thing!" Josh threw his hands up in frustration.  
  
"I do, Josh, please understand." She started rubbing at her eyes. "I... I'm going back to school. I don't want to deal anymore."  
  
She shot Lewis a quick glance, but there was no visible change in his expression.  
  
"This cancer... god, it _is_ my fault." She continued. "I was the one who introduced you to all this shit, and at first I didn't care what happened to anyone who bought from me. We even used to be close as fuck before you started going through shit and I started dealing to you. I just ruined... you, and whatever friendship we had over a quick buck. But this cancer... it made me realize that you mean so much to me. You were my best fucking friend, and I practically _gave_ you cancer. I don't want to deal drugs anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone else. You made me realize that. I've known that our blood matches for a while now but I can't just sit and pretend like you're gonna find another donor. You're not. And guess what, if I can give you a chance to live, then you best bet your ass that I'm going to."  
  
Josh sank his teeth into his cuticle, and tears were falling from both his eyes and hers.  
  
"I guess..." Tyler felt out of place talking. "It's time for confessions?"  
  
Josh sent him a wide eyed look, watching him carefully. “Tyler, what do you-”

“I sold the studio to pay for the surgery.”

Josh turned to fully face him, too slowly to be normal. When he spoke, his voice dragged on and on, like his words didn’t want to leave the comfort of his throat. There was a despair in his eyes.

“I- You what? No, no, Tyler! You sold the studio?” Josh shot to his feet, grabbing Tyler’s collar. “What the fuck, why would you do that?”

“To pay for the surgery, dumbass.” Tyler tried to stay calm, tried to slip into his joking demeanor, but Josh’s eyes conveyed such an enraged terror that it caused him to close his eyes for a split second.

“Let go of him, Josh.” Lewis started to approach them, but Josh acted first, unhanding Tyler.

“I can’t- God, fuck you, Tyler.”

“Fuck me?” Tyler scoffed half-heartedly. “What did I do wrong?”

“This was your dream!” He exclaimed, voice breaking. “You’ve wanted to do music your whole life. You’ve even written your own songs, Tyler! How could you just… throw it all away like that?”

“This was _our_ dream.” Tyler corrected, closing the distance between them and placing a hand on the other’s cheek. “I don’t think I’ll ever become successful as an songwriter if I don’t have the other half of my band. Not having a studio isn’t a big deal. Trust me, it really isn’t. Not having you, however, that’s a thought I can’t even entertain.”

Tyler moved his hand to run his fingers through Josh’s hair, before pulling him into his chest. They were not alone and they had been through all of this together, since day one. Tyler hoped the boy in his arms knew as much. The hug encapsulated their fear, apprehension, but also the small twinkle of hope rising in their chests.

Josh’s face was smushed against Tyler’s chest when he spoke again, voice wrecked.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

 

***

  
  
Two weeks before the surgery, they slipped away in the middle of the night to observe the emptiness of a Walmart parking lot together.

It was eerie, almost melancholy, as they sat in the Audi, simply watching the few passersby who didn’t notice them back.

“Tyler,” Josh spoke for the first time when the car next to them pulled out of its spot. Its red rear lights burned into Tyler’s eyes. “What d-did you do w-with all the instruments?”

Tyler wished Josh didn’t stutter as much.

“I kept them. Brendon helped. They’re in the trunk.”

Josh hummed. “If I die, I think I’m going to miss you the most.”

“Good to know.” Tyler watched as someone discarded their cart in the wrong spot. He almost felt annoyed and generous enough to go move it himself. “If you die, I’ll die, so it won’t be long before you see me again.”

“But you don’t want m-me to die?”

“Of course not.” Tyler muted the radio, fidgeting with his fingers. “I’d rather just keep going with what we have on earth right now.”

“What _do_ we have?”

“Dreams.”

Josh ran a hand through his hair, which had grown out since he’d shot himself and they’d had to shave it. It was awkwardly half draping over his face now, even as he thumbed the scarred bullet wounds at the top and side of his head.

“Dreams are all we have, though.”

“Maybe they’re all we need.” Tyler supplied slowly. “We have dreams, and those dreams are tangible enough to chase after, but not so easy that we reach them before we realize. Maybe they’re enough to give us something to live for.”

“Do you need s-something to live for?” Josh’s voice was nearly inaudible, but screaming at the back of Tyler’s mind.

He toyed with his answer before settling on: “Sometimes.”

Josh took his hand, and the world seemed less far away.

“What are your dreams?” Josh asked as if he didn’t already know.

“Music, I don’t need a huge fanbase to know I've made it. That’s probably the most far fetched one.”

“Anything else?”

“I want to be engaged to you when we're both thirty. It's a nice number. So we can plan some beautiful, cliché spring wedding.”

“I’d like that.” The corners of Josh’s lips turned up.

“What are your dreams?”

“I’d like to survive this surgery. Music maybe, to make it with you. And maybe… a sleeve tattoo, to cover up the scars on my arm.”

“The ones from your dad?”

“Yeah. It’d be like turning over a new leaf.”

Tyler finally met the other’s eyes, which were wet and peering right back at him.

They kissed, fleetingly, and like they were doing it for the first time.

“Progress.” Tyler said, when they pulled apart.

“Progress.”

 

***

 

That night, they had sex again.

Josh called the shots, and everything was within his boundaries.

He could swear up and down that it was the most appreciated, loved, and respected he’d ever felt.

 

***

 

Finals’ week kicked Tyler’s ass, and he was halfway through his pre-calc final before he considered having a mental breakdown.

At the end of the day, he met up with Brendon and Dallon, as well as Josh (but that was a given) to celebrate the end of senior finals. They walked to the taco bell near the school to relax and eat and be absolutely stupid.

And that’s what they did.

Tyler hoped the other boys knew it could be last time the four of them would hang out like this.

 

***

 

Tyler was sitting at the breakfast table with the rest of his family on the Saturday a week before the surgery.

The seat next to him was empty, only because Josh had a closed-door appointment with Lewis and a psychiatrist, which meant that Tyler couldn’t come. He was chewing dryly on his cereal when his mother suddenly spoke to him.

“Tyler?”

“Yes, mom?”

“The church wants you to do liturgy and take care of the homily.”

“Your mom and I,” His father spoke up. Tyler didn’t know the last time he saw the man. “We think it would be a great opportunity for you, now that you’re reaching adulthood and going to college.”

Tyler cringed as his mother glanced at him. He had to tell his dad soon. “Sure, it’s not a big deal, I guess.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo.” His father kept talking, no matter how much Tyler wished he didn’t. “This is your first time speaking to the church, the entire congregation. You better not mess this up.”

“No pressure.” He rolled his eyes. “When?”

“The 17th. School will be out for you by then, so it should work out.”

Tyler snorted. “The 17th? Fucking rich.”

“Language!” His mother yelled, seemingly taken aback.

“Yeah, whatever.”

He stormed upstairs, ignoring the shouts of frustration from his parents downstairs.

When Tyler got to his room, he threw himself onto his bed. He didn’t even give himself the opportunity to think, to dwell on the stabbing in his chest, because he knew where that train of thought would lead. Instead, he pulled out his phone, attending to matters he’d been meaning to deal with for a while.

He dialed Brendon’s number.

 _“Hey man. What’s up?”_ His friend’s deep voice came through on the second ring.

“Nothing much, to be honest.”

_“Then why the fuck are you calling, dude.”_

Tyler giggled for a second. “Fair.”

 _“So what’s the problem?”_ Tyler could hear the smile in his voice.

“I need somewhere to stay. In about two weeks. For a couple months. And-”

_“Let me guess, you want to come stay at my house.”_

“Yeah.” Tyler scratched at the back of his head. “Is… is that okay?”

_“Is Josh coming too?”_

“I just need somewhere to sleep after the 17th, and then Josh will be there with me.”

_“Will?”_

“No fucking clue, but I hope he _will_ be with me.”

_“Why do you only need to be here for a few months?”_

“I just need time to plant my feet before I can rent my own flat.”

Brendon snorted. _“With what money?”_

“College fund. I got the rights to it and everything.”

_“Damn, go Tyler. My man’s on top of his shit.”_

Tyler chuckled.

_“Sure, I guess you could come stay over, but I have to check a few things with my mom first. Why do you even need a place to stay?”_

“Josh has a either life-saving or life-ending surgery on the 17th, and I have a homily to give on that day.”

_“But why do you need to leave your house?”_

“I’m going to come clean to my church—about everything— on that day, and I _know_ not everyone’s gonna like it.”

 

***

 

It was June 17th. More specifically, the morning of.

Tyler was glancing in the mirror, straightening out the last of his appearance, trying to look as comely as possible. The dress shirt he had chosen to give the homily in was loose with a trimmed edge. There was no suit, which his parents would surely get on him for. The fabric had that linen look with a red checkered pattern, masculine and feminine all at once, and he left the first button undone, just to seal in that look.

Even with the amount of thought he put into the outfit, he still felt naked.

Josh was at the hospital, prepping for surgery, while Tyler was fretting over his damn shirt.

They’d held each other that morning, simultaneously crying and soothing each other.

Then Josh had left.

He tucked the shirt into grey pants, and joined his family downstairs.

The ride to the church was filled with his parents prattling on and on about how proud they were, but Tyler couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything, so he nodded along while his mind was occupied.

His rehearsed speech lay on a crumpled piece of paper, and he squeezed it tighter in his fist.

The church always shocked him as he walked in, and he scanned it, trying to memorize it in case he never came back.

The building was beautiful, with old stone and stained glass, and muted lamps that hung from the slanted ceilings. His eyes grazed over the bricks that enclosed the space, musing lightly that those bricks were laid one at a time, hundreds of years ago.

As the service started, Tyler drifted into a state of semi-consciousness.

He stood, and sang, and clapped along at the right times, even as his mind spun around thoughts of Josh.

He blinked, and suddenly he was standing in front of the congregation, smoothing out his speech notes on the wood of the podium, and leading the church through a prayer.

When he was finished, all eyes were on him. He spotted his family across the room, his father giving him a thumbs-up.

He sighed. It was now or never.

"It...” He gulped. “It says countless times in the bible that God has ‘steadfast love’ for all of his children. Love is everything to God and Christianity, because it is what connects him to us, and us to each other. Church is where we can do that.”

He took a breath, glancing around to see all of the nodding heads, people hanging onto his words.

“Then, if our creator is love, then my church is my family and friends. Church is a huge family dinner or a really bad pun that makes my nose crinkle. Church for me, is a home cooked meal after a long day. Church for me is making the winning shot of a basketball game and being carried off the court by all my teammates. Church for me is listening to music, and even more so, playing it. And if church is love, then my loveliest church is in a boy I fell in love with nine months ago.”

There were a few hushed gasps and widened eyes, but Tyler only gripped the podium tighter, to give him the strength to continue.

“His name is Josh.” His voice shook. “He’s not here right now to hear me come out to all of you, but I know he’d be all smiles, so supportive, patting me on the back and everything. Right now, he's in the hospital, preparing for surgery.” A shuddering breath. “He’s been through so much over the course of his life. Being a child of divorce, he moved here, struggling to break free of his abusive father. He picked up a habit of smoking, among other things, to cope with the crippling anxiety that kind of life can cause. From that, he got cancer, and later, tried but failed to kill himself upon the death of his father. And now, this surgery could be the only thing that could save him.” His knuckles were white. “Throughout the course of these events, however, he never lost his kindness, nor did he become bitter. He remained soft and empathetic, affecting and improving the lives of those around him, even at his own expense. He always put others before himself, and he was almost always selfless, and equal amounts brave. I don’t even question why I fell in love with him. He’s incredible.”

He wouldn’t dare look at his family.

“I’ve lived this whole year in fear.” He sighed. “Fear of God, fear of my identity, fear of my sexuality, fear of how people would react; I’ve practically been afraid of myself. And I’ve been miserable, and I made people’s lives around me miserable as well. I spent nights begging God _not_ to feel this way about another boy. I don’t want to feel alienated. I don’t want to be treated like an outsider by those in the church and in my family, who I love. I would love to keep this under wraps, my sexuality and such, but I… I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if Josh died today and I-”

He choked on the emotions crawling up his throat.  

“Salvation… the thing we talk about all the time here, it lives in the way we love. It is in the kindness we give freely, and in hoping for the wellbeing of one another. It is in hurting when another hurts, in choosing empathy over judgement. So because of that, I ask of all of you, respect my decisions. I didn’t decide to love Josh, but I decided to continue to do so, through the good and the bad. Right now, I’m in the bad- _we’re_ in the bad, but we’ll get through it. I know we will. I have faith.”

He smiled.

“Don't tell me who I can and can’t love. Don't shackle me to what you think is appropriate. Emancipate love. It does not know long distances, or religion, nor can it be confined in one race or culture. I could love the whole world if I wanted to, I can love any person of any gender or background. My love for Josh cannot be trained, and I feel blessed that it creates reason for my heart to beat.” He paused, catching the breath that had escaped him. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a surgery to crash.”

He crumpled up the sheet of paper, and began to dismount the stage, walking toward the double doors that led to the road.

There was applause, but it was buoyant in his clogged ears.

He had exited the building, after giving his goodbyes to the steeples, and was about to start down the street when a hand gripped his shoulder.

He turned.

“Dad?”

“You’re gay?” He barely spoke.

“I think so at least.”

The man ran a hand through the greyed hairs on his forehead. “And… you didn’t tell me?”

“I was scared of how you'd take it.” He puffed out his chest and tensed himself, a semblance of confidence.

“Tyler, I-”

“I'm not going to college either.”

His father barely paled, before crossing his arms across his chest.

“Is that so?”

“Yep. I'm doing music instead.” He shrugged. “This probably isn't sitting well with you. Don't worry, I'll spare you the hassle of throwing me out. My stuff will be out of the house by tonight.”

“Why?”

“I know you won’t support me. I don’t want to stay with you if all you’re going to do is hate me and my boyfriend. I’m going to be eighteen soon, and I know how things work. I can live on my own. And I don’t need college to get there.”

His father huffed, gesturing vaguely with his hand before answering. “Well if that’s how it’s going to be, then I don’t want to see your face again.”

Tyler expected this. It didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Okay.”

Then there was a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me rephrase that; I don’t want to see your face until you make me proud. Until you achieve your dreams. This is your decision to refuse the scholarship and to skip college. It’s… not what I always dreamed of, a non-straight musician son, but I think I can handle it. I'm not helping you with money or anything, since you're practically an adult. You are old enough to deal with the consequences of your decisions, so don’t come back until you become a world famous musician. Then, we’ll welcome you with open arms.”

Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek.

“You being gay, or whatever, doesn’t bother me as much as you think it does. It does change a lot of what I planned with your life, but that’s okay. I haven’t been the best father, I know that, and I’m sorry. I know I don’t come across as open-minded or accepting, but I try. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for our family, and if you think music will be best for you and _your_ family, then so be it.”

The man held his hand out, and Tyler met it in a firm handshake. He smiled, when his father then pulled him into a brief hug.

“Now,” His father nodded, handing him the jumble that was the car keys. “I think the Joseph family could use some exercise.”

He perked an eyebrow at him. His father rolled his eyes.

“Go be with Josh, you need each other.”

 

***

 

The hospital was stuffy when Tyler burst in. He hoped he wasn’t too late.

When he walked up to the reception desk, someone was pulling on his sleeve and leading him elsewhere.

He guessed he’d been recognized.

He let himself be dragged by the cuff of his shirt as the nurse began filling him in.

“We haven’t been able to start the surgery.”

“Why?”

“Josh won’t calm down enough. We were initially just going to put him under anesthesia but he’s moving too much for us to put him on anything. Dr. Hughes, or Lewis as you might know him, just ordered for me to call you when you arrived, to see if Josh would listen to you better.”

“Where’s Debby? Debby Ryan?”

The nurse was young, but her features seemed to be dragged by tiredness. “She’s in there with him, but he won’t calm down.”

The prep room’s door swung open with a movement of Tyler’s hand, and many pairs of eyes were suddenly on him.

He moved through the bustling of nurse’s bodies, and tool carts scattered around the too-big room, his eyes darting around until they landed on Debby’s hunched figure, which was beckoning him. She was standing by Josh’s bed.

When he arrived by her side, he pulled her into a hug, a final gesture to put their differences aside. She was wearing nothing but a hospital gown, but it didn’t bother him, and it seemingly didn’t bother her either as she returned the embrace with just as much vigor.

“Thank you.” Tyler muttered, trying to make sure none of the words got lost in the air. “For everything.”

She said nothing back, only pulling apart to place his hand on the railing of Josh’s bed.

Then she left.

He turned back to the matter at hand, a few hesitant fingers tracing the skin of Josh’s arm.

The other was also dressed in a gown, so interested in the clamor around him that he jumped at Tyler’s contact. Be that as it may, on his face, there was no anger, no sadness, no shock, or joy. He didn’t even appear to be bored as his eyes searched through Tyler’s, that at least would have been something.

“The surgeon came to introduce himself.” Josh abruptly spoke, quieting all other noise in Tyler’s ears. “I think that was supposed to make me feel better, but all I could think of was if he'd feel remorse if I died on the table, or if that was all in a day’s work for him.”

Tyler pressed a kiss to the hand in his. “We’re going to be stars, Josh. Living life from city to city, venue to venue, and show to show. It’s our future, you tell me.”

“I know. But I can’t help to feel as if I’m making a mistake.” He began hacking continuously for a while, and at the end of every few coughs, he made a whistling sound as if his airways were closing up. “I just really wanted you to be here, Ty.”

“I’m here now, okay?” Tyler watched as the other fell back further into the bed. “I had some things to take care of, but I’m here now. I won’t leave, alright? Not unless you want me to.”

“Never.” Josh didn’t hesitate. “Can I kiss you?”

Tyler hummed, feigning contemplation. “That's kind of gay.”

But they kissed anyway, because that was okay. The touch of their lips was soft rain on an August evening.

When they had said their wordless goodbyes, Lewis was beside them, latex gloves and blue mask in all.

“Are you ready, Josh?”

A squeeze of his hand. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Lewis patted his shoulder, nodding to Tyler, as three other nurses came up to begin pushing Josh’s bed out of the room.

Tyler wouldn’t let go of his hand.

Both the boys’ eyes were trained ahead, watching as they approached another pair of doors.

The operating room.

The bed stopped rolling on its wheels, and Josh turned to Tyler, pulling him close.

“I love you, Tyler. So much.” He knew full well these words could be his last.

“I love you too, Josh. Even more.” Tyler didn’t miss a beat.

“You’ve changed me forever, and I’ll never forget you. I will see you again.”

“On the other side of recovery.” Tyler rushed out before he could stop himself. Hoping was dangerous.

Josh just offered him a puerile smile.

Another wordless goodbye.

The bed’s wheels started to roll again.

Josh looked away first.

And by the work of whatever god was in the sky, their hands were forced apart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are y'all ready for the last chapter? bc I'm not


	30. Eleven Years (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! 
> 
> alright to clarify some stuff, this chapter takes place right after the hiatus starts.
> 
> I hope you're ready...

Tyler woke with a start.  
  
There was no apparent source of noise or light that could've jolted him awake, and he glanced over at the searing-red alarm clock on the nightstand.  
  
4:26 in the morning.  
  
He burrowed himself into the warm, soft sheets, but quickly realized there was no way he could fall asleep in an empty bed. So he rubbed the remainders of drowsiness from his eyes and listened to the patter of rain on the window, trying to find the motivation to get out of bed.  
  
Eventually, when he found it, he clambered from the sheets, almost tripping over a stray suitcase on his way to the kitchen.  
  
Tyler winced as he sipped his coffee.  
  
It was quick to prepare, but tepid, overly bitter and lacking real cream. It was a source of caffeine though that could help make this morning more bearable, so he drank like a sailor with whiskey.  
  
The flat was too quiet.  
  
Aside from the hum of powered-down electronics and the ticking of the hall clock, the apartment was practically ghostly.  
  
Tyler tried to distract himself with the coffee, and honestly he was just trying to find something to keep him awake for just a bit longer. He had a vague idea of what he was waiting up for, but his sleep-drenched mind couldn’t connect the vacancy in his chest into a coherent thought. He sauntered over to the window, after a while of being hunched over the counter, and watched as little flakes of snow fluttered down to the ground, coating the street.  
  
_You're on a break from tour,_ he kept reminding himself. _Relax._  
  
So he stood and watched the world be enveloped by winter.  
  
***  
  
It was nearly two hours after Tyler had been startled awake by silence when the front door opened.  
  
He'd passed out on the couch after his third cup of coffee, and had been scared awake yet again when the door was unlocked.  
  
The man who entered winced as Tyler started to stir. "I'm so sorry, did I wake you? I was- I didn't mean to, I swear. I just- I figured I might be a little busy later, so I decided I would- I thought I could just go and-"  
  
"It's fine." Tyler interrupted. "I was waiting up for you anyway. Where have you been?"  
  
The man shed his shirt, which was practically glued to his skin. "Out for a run."  
  
"At ass o'clock in the morning? In this weather?" Tyler huffed, as the man chuckled to himself.  
  
"Nice to know you've kept your eloquence for all these years, Tyler."  
  
"And it's nice you've kept your sense of humor, _Josh_ ." Tyler retorted. "But seriously, it's almost inhuman to get up at four to go for a run, of all things."  
  
"Yeah... uh," Josh shifted from foot to foot. "Yeah. I think- maybe I’ll gonna go play my drums now, y'know, gotta- um, work on that new music, so... see you soon, babe."  
  
"You're really going to drum at this hour? It's barely 6. You're gonna wake up all the neighbors."  
  
"Yeah," Josh grimaced, his gaze falling to his feet. "I guess you're right."  
  
Tyler got up from the couch (no matter how much his body protested) and placed his hands on each of Josh's shoulders.  
  
"What's wrong, hm? You seem... anxious."  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
"Nothing my ass. Is this about Columbus?"  
  
During the break for this tour, which had taken them all around the globe, they'd made a pact to go back to Columbus to meet up with old friends, to almost get back down to earth and connect with their roots. They hadn't been back there for a significant period of time since they were no older than 24, when this music thing was first starting to kick off. That was about 5 years ago. They'd been on break for about 5 months now after this previous tour, and had decided winter would be a good time to head back. Tyler was excited, and up till now, he thought Josh was too.  
  
Josh met his eyes momentarily. "Not really."  
  
"Josh."  
  
"What?"  
  
_"Josh."_  
  
"Fine!" He huffed suddenly. "It's about Columbus."  
  
Tyler's eyebrows furrowed. "What's wrong?"

Tyler stepped back and settled in the sofa, gesturing for Josh to sit next to him.  
  
"I'm sweaty." Josh mentioned, still standing by the door.  
  
"I don't mind." Tyler assured him gently.  
  
Hesitantly, Josh took a seat next to him crossing his arms and legs.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tyler finally asked in a small voice.  
  
"Talk about what?" Josh looked down, fiddling with a loose thread on the couch.

"There's nothing- I mean, it's-" He sighed, frustrated. "There's nothing really to talk about."  
  
Tyler looked at him softly, reaching an arm around him and squeezing his shoulder. That was when he realized that Josh was shaking. "It's okay, Josh."  
  
In the blink of an eye, the Josh curled up in his lap, panting and shuddering breathily as he quietly began to cry.  
  
"Josh, it’s going to be okay." Tyler said tens of times, wrapping his arms even tighter around him and trying to hold himself together even though the sight of Josh heaving from anxiety like this broke his heart.

He needed to be the strong one right now.  
  
So, he held his boyfriend for as long as he needed him to, gently rubbing his back and murmuring soft encouragements, mixed in with soft ‘I love you’s.  
  
They would get through this, just like they’d gone through these hardships countless times before.

  
  
***

  
  
The flight had taken off an hour late, due to weather issues and the incessant fall of snow.  
  
This airplane, like any other, felt like home to Tyler, probably because he'd flown them hundreds of times to cross-continental shows. He could curl up and sleep on the turbulence as easily as dozing on the couch.  
  
The engines roared and churned, buffeting the wind that was surely racing by them at thousands of miles an hour. His brain relaxed into a day-dreaming mode, as there were thousands of miles to go and all he had to do was let the plane take him there.  
  
As the plane dipped in the barrier between the sky and the clouds, Tyler listened to the hum of the rotors. He yawned, somewhat loudly, as the stress from his muscles began to unwind.

From his chest, a man stirred.  
  
Josh's chocolate brown eyes opened and closed from the light of the TV hooked up to the seat in front of them, and Tyler cooed at him with his smile. Josh stared at him in confusion, blinking, his eyelashes brushing against Tyler's cheek.  
  
"Sorry, babe, it's nothing. Go back to sleep."  
  
He rolled his eyes and nuzzled into Tyler's shoulder, Josh's dark brown hair inches from his nose. After a few agonizing minutes, Tyler felt him go limp and he smiled huge and big, cradling the man into his chest.  
  
He was in heaven.

  
  
***

  
  
"That felt like I was meeting your family for the first time all over again." Josh commented as they clambered into their Columbus rental car.  
  
"Yeah, lunch with the all of the Joseph's can be a little overwhelming.” Tyler definitely agreed. “But you had fun?"  
  
"As always."  
  
Tyler put the key in the ignition, and pulled out of the driveway, startling on the route back to their hotel room.  
  
Even though his mom had insisted the two boys stay in the basement of or a guest room in his childhood home, Tyler had maintained that it was okay, and they needed the space and privacy in case they 'got up to anything.'  
  
"So what's the plan for today?" Tyler piped up, after turning on the radio. It was on some dumb talk show so lowered the volume to background noise.  
  
"It's your birthday, shouldn't you be choosing?" Josh raised an eyebrow, somewhat smugly.  
  
Tyler scoffed. "Yeah, and as the birthday boy, I have decided to let you choose. Obviously."  
  
"This isn't because nowadays you're as indecisive as the weather?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
Josh barked a small laugh, rolling his eyes in a half-hearted manner.

But then the air changed, darkening slightly, but it was so miniscule Tyler thought he’d just imagined it for a moment. He gulped as he could feel a hand starting at his knee, creeping up his thigh.  
  
"I was thinking..." Josh's voice dropped. "We could head back to the hotel room first. Maybe just to burn time."  
  
Tyler let out a nervous chuckle. "I think-" He paused to let out a strained sigh as Josh tightened his grip on his leg.  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"I think it's unfair how after eleven years of being together, you still have this effect on me."  
  
Josh laughed.

  
  
***

 

The two men were cuddled up on the hotel’s futon, watching reruns of The Office when Tyler spoke.

“Dude, can you like… move? My arm’s asleep.”

Josh huffed. “Nope.”

“What?”

“You knew getting into this relationship that I’m as lazy as a sack of flour, so you had to have expected this at some point.”

Tyler snorted, pressing a kiss into the other man’s deep brown curls. He loved him.

Eventually, Josh did allow him to switch positions, and when they did, Tyler piped up again.

“You wanna actually do something today?”

“It’s almost five, dude. If we’re gonna go out, we have to do it soon. We both know we gotta be back before ten.”

“God, when did we get so old?” Tyler scoffed, a little disbelievingly, and Josh gave him a small chuckle. “But yeah, we should go to dinner or something.”

“Did I pack a suit?” Josh mumbled, getting up.

“Why would I know?” Tyler smacked him on the arm. “I don’t know if I packed one either.”

“Shit, man,” Josh shrugged. “Guess I’m gonna be wined and dined in my boxers.”

“Not complaining.” Tyler laughed as Josh threw something at him.

They cleaned up well, and Tyler even took the time to shave the beginnings of a stringy beard. Josh looked fabulous no matter what he wore, but they’d both decided that dress pants in this case were better than sweats. Tyler even took the time to actually tie his tie, instead of just looking for one of those five dollar clip on ones.

It was all so domestic, considering the lives they’d lived as stupid and confused teenagers.

Even as Josh buttoned up the shirt he was wearing that night, Tyler couldn’t tear his eyes away from the long trail of thick skin that ran up his side, from all those years ago.

They’d been through so much.

And from under the cuff links, Tyler could see the roots of the other’s tattoo. It was a melding sleeve tattoo of sunsets and galaxies, bespeckled by sprinkled stars that only shone of triumph.  Tyler had encouraged him to get it time and time again before he actually went through with getting the beginnings of it, the first steps in burying the hatchet of his trauma, and his unwanted scars. The tattoo meant just as much to Tyler, as he had to shoulder half the burden and baggage, on all those cold, shaky nights, from all those years ago.

They’d been through so much.

Their gazes met.

Tyler couldn’t look away, but it was more than that he didn’t want to. He wanted to bask in the glory that they were alive, and they were together, and Josh was better, and Tyler was happier. They’d accomplished almost all their teenage goals hand in hand, and in the turmoil of life, Tyler’s only anchor had been those eyes. He wanted them painted to the back of his eyelids.

 _I love you,_ he wanted to scream. _I love you more than you know._

“Ready?”

Tyler clutched the ring box in his pocket. “As I’ll ever be.”

 

***

 

Their hands were linked over the restaurant table.

The restaurant, as fancy as they could find, was lit by candlelight instead of regular bulbs, which made everything a whole heck of a lot more romantic.

They held hands till the wick blackened and the wax slowly turned to liquid, running down the side of the centerpiece candle and onto the glass plate.

There was a lot of chatter in the restaurant that night, from angry businessmen on the phone to flowery couples on their first date.

The waitress who came to take their order had tired eyes, yet there was a glimmer, a give away of her good heart. Tyler saw that same glimmer in Josh’s eyes when he was completely nerding out about how good their new songs sounded, and how he was sort of nervous about the fans would react.

Tyler agreed, but all he could do was nod along and be so transfixed by the other’s movements.

He was so fucking in love.

“Want to get out of here?” Tyler blurted out suddenly.

Josh perked up. “Yeah. I have a little surprise for you.”

Tyler called the waitress over to pay the tab.

“You know,” Josh started as Tyler sifted through his wallet. “You don’t have to pay every time we go out. You’ve already won me over.”

“I have no money.” Tyler mumbled, with a small chuckle. “But I still wanna treat you from time to time. ‘Cause I love you and shit.”

“Sap.” Josh scoffed, pressing a kiss to the back of Tyler’s hand. “I love you too.”

It never got any less rewarding to hear those genuine words come out of Josh’s mouth.

As they left the restaurant that was way too fancy for comfort, Josh placed his arm around Tyler who obliged, and leaned closer to him. The softness and gentle touch of his arm against Tyler’s neck made his back tingle, even after eleven years. When they hopped in the car, Josh in the driver’s, Tyler’s heart felt full, and he called upon the gods to give him strength to do what he had to do. They sat in the car with the sunroof open, despite the bitter December 1st cold, just so that they could see the stars overhead, to paint the inside of their brains with wonder. They didn't speak because in their own way, they were already communicating.

Tyler curled his fingers into the palm of his hand, not even feeling them dig in.

 

***

 

“Are you ready?” Josh asked.

“Yeah,” Tyler replied, unable to help the bit of impatience in his voice. “Let me see already.”

Josh took his hands off Tyler’s face, so that he wasn’t blindfolded anymore.

The fence they were standing in front looked so flimsy and almost non-existent; it was made of thin linked strands of wire, that couldn’t be visible on a misty day. It towered no more than 7 feet total, but at its height, it almost toppled over. After all, it had been put up over 11 years before.

“Josh…” Tyler couldn’t believe his eyes. “Are we even allowed to be back here?”

“No, but,” Josh shrugged. “I thought a drinking champagne in front of a midnight lake would be great for both of us. And romantic as hell.”

“Champagne?”

“I’ve got some Chardonnay in a cooler in the trunk.”

Tyler spun around to plant a sloppy kiss on Josh’s awaiting lips. “You’re the best. I’m so fucking lucky to have you.”

“Happy birthday.” Josh smiled, his tongue peeking out between his teeth like old times. “Now, we gotta climb this thing. I know you won’t have a problem with that.”

“Of course not.” Tyler laughed. “You?”

“I’ll try and keep up.”

 

***

 

That night the moon was playing peek-a-boo, dipping in and out of ribbons of black clouds floating among the stars.

Looking through the waters of the lake was like peering through perfect glass, unsmudged by the sticky fingerprints. The stones at the bottom near the dock were as many hues of brown and grey as had ever existed. After a few minutes of looking, Tyler noticed some were redder than others and others were as pale as alabaster.

Their toes just barely broke the surface of the water.

And they just talked.

Talked, and listened, and laughed, and talked.

After each passing minute, Tyler got closer and closer to pulling that ring box out of his pocket.

But he just waited for the right opportunity.

After a period of comfortable silence, Tyler felt okay enough to say something that had swimming around in his mind since they got here.

“We haven’t back here since-”

“I know.” Josh stopped him. He got up to stretch. “Is it closure?”

“Not really. I feel like we’ve moved past that. After a lot hard work, we can leave that part of our lives behind.”

“I definitely feel better than I did then.”

“I would hope so.” Tyler hummed.

“Today- tonight is for happy memories only, no sad talk.”

“It’s gonna be a night to remember.”

“I mean,” Josh turned toward him and shrugged. “You’re going to have a million more birthdays like this. I promise.”

“I don't know about that.”

It was now or never.

“What do you mean?”

It was now or never.

Tyer shifted from his sitting position to one where he was on one knee, watching in awe as Josh slowly realized what was happening.

Tyler chuckled. “I don’t really know what to say. Ridiculous, I know, since I’ve played this moment over and over again in my mind over these last 11 years. But if nothing else, know that I love you with every ounce of my being.”

He could hear Brendon’s words in his mind. _He’s gonna say yes, dude. Y’all are almost as in love as me and Dal. Just fucking do it._

Jenna’s. _He’ll love it! That ring is gorgeous. He’ll definitely say yes._

His mother’s. _Propose, Tyler, you’ve been waiting for this since you were ready to elope at eighteen. He’ll say yes._

Even Debby's.  _You two have been thristing for a ring for as long as I can remember. Marry that bastard, I know he'll say yes._

He hoped.

“I honestly don't know why I waited so long. I think I kept thinking that this was some kind of dream, and I'd wake up and you wouldn't be there. But this is real, and I thank God every day for that. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You're the love of my life. I am head over heels in love with you. And I know I’m a sap and I’m rambling but I’m trying to figure out how to tell you that I want to spend forever with you. I love you with all my heart. You are a beautiful and caring person and have always been there for me through the bad times. Life has kicked our asses at times, but I’ve always had you; through everything. I can't imagine my life without you in it. So, I hope you’ll say yes and make me the happiest man alive. Joshua William Dun, will you marry me?”

Josh wouldn’t look at him.

“Josh?”

“You know, Tyler,” Josh’s voice cracked. “This is just like you to ruin this for me.”

_Ruin?_

Tyler’s mind was spinning, twirling, trying to make sense of what had just been said to him. Did Josh not want this? Maybe marriage was too real? Should he have asked the Dun family for approval?

_Ruin?_

What did he do wrong? Was he wrong about how Josh felt about him? Maybe this relationship-

Tyler watched in abject terror as Josh sank down to meet him on eye level, getting down on knee. From his own pocket, Josh pulled out a ring box.

“You kind of stole everything I had to say. But I'll try and propose on the fly. ” He took a breath to stave off more tears. “I'm not as perfect as you describe me to be, but I'd follow you into hell if that's what it took to keep you safe. I love you, and I promise to never go a day without reminding you. That means I would defend you with my life even if the odds were insurmountable. It means I will comfort you during difficult times. It means I will dance with you when times are good. It means I will never betray you, or ever give up on you, because I love you. Love says I forgive you when you screw up. I want to be by your side, even in the afterlife. I wake up everyday and have to convince myself that the life I have isn’t a dream. You’re wonderful, _my_ dream, I thank God every day for the gift of spending my life with you. So Tyler Robert Joseph, will you marry _me?”_ ****  
** **

Tyler was sniffling into his sleeves, but they were tears of joy, and he was crying with sheer happiness and relief.

“Who goes first?”

“You asked first.”

“But you asked just now.”

“I’ll go.”

“Should I stand up?”

“No wait-”

“Should _you_ stand up?”

They burst out laughing, teary-eyed with big smiles.

“So?” Tyler asked one final time.

“Yes, yes, I’ll marry you.” Another tear came from his eye. “You?”

“Yes. Of course.”

Tyler placed, with shaky hands, the ring on Josh’s finger, watching as the other did the same for him.

It was a night to remember.

Later that night they laid in each other’s arms, unable to get enough of one another.

Tyler pressed a kiss to Josh’s forehead.

He ran his fingers along the scars on his fiance's body, tracing them, as the other did the same to him. His throat closed like he was about to cry again.

“I love you.” Tyler smiled. “I wish I could go back and tell eighteen-year-old us that things really do get better.”

Josh leaned in, so his forehead rested against Tyler’s. They closed their eyes. Both their breaths are shaking.

They both knew it was coming.

A shy look before Tyler pulled his face closer and their lips met.

Then Josh linked their hands together. There was a small sound from their engagement rings clinking together.

"Yeah. They really do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> … and we're done. wow. 
> 
> This story will hold a special place in my heart, mainly because it's my first one and also because it's based so closely on my life (with a few obvious exceptions, of course). Thanks to all of you reading for sticking with me through this journey and my terrible English, and I'm sorry that this final chapter was a bit on the short side (I kinda ran out of time). It's been a rollercoaster of emotions writing this, and then receiving comments from all of you guys that were just so sweet and positive. It blows my mind that people actually read my work and like it, and I hope you know that I appreciate each and every one of you guys so much. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> -uku

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! How do you like the fic so far? Tell me if you see any mistakes or anything!


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